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Old 04-13-2004, 10:18 AM   #1
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My wife is a very selfish lover

My wife has turned into a very selfish lover. Almost every lovemaking session is the same...I perform oral sex on her until she orgasms, then intercourse. Rarely do I get to see her naked, and sheíd rather I didnít touch her breasts. I can literally count on one hand the number of times in the last 12 months that sheís even touched me.

I am aware of some identifiable issues:
- She has a very poor self image. Her weight causes her much grief, which is why she wonít let me see her naked.
- Even with her weight, her breasts were always a source of great pride for her. After the kids, however, she feels they arenít what they used to be and would rather just leave them out of the equation all together.
- Ever since the birth of our second child (whoís now 6), sheís been somewhat less than interested in sex. The usual problem is tiredness, but I suspect itís more than that. We rarely have sex more than once a monthÖsometimes less.
- Sheís never been happy with the fact that Iím unable to achieve orgasm from oral sex. She has seen this as a reflection on her. I assure her that itís not and that I still enjoy the process, but to no avail. I think maybe sheís done this twice in the last year.

She used to be extremely sexual. When we were dating, it was the best Iíd ever had. We experimented, explored and enjoyed. Now, if I want to be touched, I have to do it myself. If I want to see her naked, I look at the pictures she let me take of her eight years ago. And if I want experimentation, I use my imagination.

Iíve tried talking about this with her several times. It usually results in some effort from her to touch me, but that is typically only good for one time and is forgotten until I bring it up again 6 months later. Iíve pleaded with her to see a therapist about her self esteem issues, but to no avail. Sheís seen doctors about her weight, but is unable to stick to a diet. The weight isnít an issue for me, aside from what itís doing to our sex lives.

This past weekend was particularly bad. She had a procedure done a couple of weeks ago and the doctor told us to avoid intercourse. Last week, I suggested that sex doesnít always have to involve intercourse and that we could just use our imaginations to come up with different ways to please each other. We talked about it a little and she seemed amenable, so on Saturday morning (the kids had a sleepover), I tried to initiate some things. She wouldnít let me touch her breasts, so I moved downward and performed oral on her. After her orgasm, we talked a little, and then she got up and went downstairs to start the day. That was it. Now, usually I have no problem forgoing orgasm because I enjoy making her happy. But the fact that we even discussed it a few days earlier kind of upset me.

Aside from sex, we have a wonderful relationship. We are the best of friends and are truly each otherís soul-mate. But Iím just at a loss on this.

-tom

 
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Old 04-13-2004, 11:15 AM   #2
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Re: My wife is a very selfish lover

Hmmm....That's really sad on your part. And it's not right for her to do that. Her body belongs to you and yours belongs to her. That's what happens when you get married. I would just tell her flat out that she is being selfish. Confront her about it. Everything you told us, tell her. You need to communicate more about your sexual life. I'm glad you guys are best friends. That's great! But she isn't being that good of a friend to you by doing this. Let her know how much you love her and her body and how it hurts you that you can't see her or touch her. And that she doesn't seem interested in pleasing you. I think the best thing to do is to just be straight with her. Hope everything goes well and you rekindle that awesome relationship you used to have!

 
Old 04-13-2004, 09:41 PM   #3
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Re: My wife is a very selfish lover

I'm sorry, this can't be easy for either of you. You seem like a really caring husband, almost too forgiving. I know if my SO let me pleasure him, then left me hot and bothered there would be hell to pay! Especially after waiting so long in the first place! Maybe you need to get a little more stern about this. Have you told her she's being selfish? Are you walking on eggshells because her self-esteem is so fragile and you're afraid to tell her how much this is bothering you? Has this been going on for six years, or gradually worked up to this? Sex is an important part of marriage, I think you need to lay the law down. Tell her get counceling, go to the doctor, do something pronto! Your feelings are important too!

Last edited by desertdweller; 04-13-2004 at 09:42 PM.

 
Old 04-14-2004, 03:17 AM   #4
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Re: My wife is a very selfish lover

We talked about it again last night. She said she knew it was coming and is completely aware of her selfishness...she just doesn't know what to do about it. I really wanted to just grab her and say "apply some effort!" but, yes, I do walk on eggshells around her.

She said that she believes the problem is that she often fantisizes during sex and that it's hard to do things physically when you have to leave the fantasy to do it. I suggested that she let me be part of the fantasy, but she said she's not really fond of a lot of them...they just get her off.

Yes, this has been going on for about six years. There are times when it's not as bad, but usually it's just like this. Because of our talk, I can expect an effort on her part next time, but that will be it.

I've tried to get her to counceling, but her argument (and a valid one it is) is that we don't have the money for that.

At least now, after our talk last night, I have a clue as to what's going on. Hopefully I'll be able to figure a way to work it. But frankly, I don't even want to at the moment. I'm to the point now where I'm just tired of being the only one bringing anything to the bedroom

 
Old 04-21-2004, 04:42 AM   #5
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Re: My wife is a very selfish lover

Your wife isn't SELFISH shes highly SELF CONSCIOUS. She obviously finds you attractive hence the reason you are still enjoying sex. The problem is she finds herself ugly and disgusting and is probably tearing herself up inside over this. She is worried that if you see her in her entirety you will feel as sickened as she does.

Buy her sexy underwear, pay her loads of compliments and tell her no matter, big, small, fat, thin, you think she's just sex on legs as far as you are concerned.

Tell her you appreciate that although the weight doesn't bother you because you have been lucky enough to enjoy a skinny woman and a more voluptous woman in bed (her!), from her aspect this is giving her grief. Tell her you love her so much that you want her to experience the same levels of physical and mental pleasures that you currently do in order to make your marriage it's strongest. So you will try and help her NOT to diet but to eat more sensibly and work out together. Tell her every week how well she's doing and how great she's looking and how much noticable difference there is in her shape (even if you lie!) it will spur her on. And make a big deal of the few lost pounds in bed....tell her, she was gorgeous to you before but just mouth watering now!! She'll love it.

Last edited by MadSkillzGal; 04-21-2004 at 04:45 AM.

 
Old 04-21-2004, 06:45 AM   #6
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Re: My wife is a very selfish lover

Great post MadSkillzGal!

and Very True! I too have felt like the Post's wife and my fiance is always telling me how beautiful I am, I just put on 15 ugly pounds on my small 5 foot frame (due to Paxil) and I don't feel sexy at all! I am working out to shed these pounds so I can go back to feeling myself again.

It's wonderful that my fiance tells me I'm beautiful and sexy to him and how much he loves me but If I'm not feeling sexy no matter what he says to me helps. It's not his fault, but I'm working on myself to feel sexy again.

 
Old 04-21-2004, 10:13 PM   #7
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Re: My wife is a very selfish lover

there is deffinetly something wrong here.
I have to dissagre with what the first poster said. you do not give your body when you get married. its not a wife's "duty" to have sex but she should still be doing more to please you.
I don't agree that she is selfish either. she has some issues going on in her life and maybe she's having a hard time.
have you thought about taking her away for a weekend? even if its just to the motel down the street... that can add some excitement!
something came to my mind with this and I probably shouldnt even say it, but is there any chance she could be cheating on you?

 
Old 04-22-2004, 06:45 PM   #8
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Re: My wife is a very selfish lover

Tough situation and not unique.. When someone is sex starved in a marrige it usually leads to resentment and many other things. Ultimately you can't force anyone to enjoy sex or perform sex. Why would anyone want to anyways? If one person is not into it than why would the other even want it? So..... Your options are pretty limited. You can try different approaches to getting her into feeling and being sexy. Maybe she would be interested in watching some porn..How about if you both masturbate in front of each other..Above all, make her feel sexy and wanted.
I know I would be beside myself if I were in that situation because I need sex so much. Try to get her to understand your needs as well...And yes to the naysayers, she IS being selfish. She has him go down on her until she orgasms and then she leaves?? That is most definetly selfish in every way.

 
Old 04-22-2004, 07:15 PM   #9
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Re: My wife is a very selfish lover

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bill Magic
Tough situation and not unique.. When someone is sex starved in a marrige it usually leads to resentment and many other things. Ultimately you can't force anyone to enjoy sex or perform sex. Why would anyone want to anyways? If one person is not into it than why would the other even want it? So..... Your options are pretty limited. You can try different approaches to getting her into feeling and being sexy. Maybe she would be interested in watching some porn..How about if you both masturbate in front of each other..Above all, make her feel sexy and wanted.
I know I would be beside myself if I were in that situation because I need sex so much. Try to get her to understand your needs as well...And yes to the naysayers, she IS being selfish. She has him go down on her until she orgasms and then she leaves?? That is most definetly selfish in every way.

There is a difference between someone who NEEDS sex and someone who wants to Make love to his wife....Well, it's a good thing your not my fiance because He doesn't find me Selfish...I do make LOVE to him, but I'm not feeling sexy lately (see my post) I'm not saying he understands my issue with me feeling unsexy...BUT he doesn't think I'm selfish because I'm still taking care of him...I'm just not in the mood lately which I'm working on.

 
Old 04-22-2004, 07:25 PM   #10
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Bill Magic HB User
Re: My wife is a very selfish lover

Quote:
Originally Posted by GirlHarley
There is a difference between someone who NEEDS sex and someone who wants to Make love to his wife....Well, it's a good thing your not my fiance because He doesn't find me Selfish...I do make LOVE to him, but I'm not feeling sexy lately (see my post) I'm not saying he understands my issue with me feeling unsexy...BUT he doesn't think I'm selfish because I'm still taking care of him...I'm just not in the mood lately which I'm working on.
Most guys do NEED sex..You can call it lovemaking or whatever..Its just semantics with words. Of course sex is better with the one you are in love with but to call it specificly "lovemaking" sounds like something you're saying to make yourself happy.
What does your response have to do with the original posters problem? Your situation is completely different.

 
Old 04-22-2004, 09:31 PM   #11
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Re: My wife is a very selfish lover

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bill Magic
Most guys do NEED sex..You can call it lovemaking or whatever..Its just semantics with words. Of course sex is better with the one you are in love with but to call it specificly "lovemaking" sounds like something you're saying to make yourself happy.
What does your response have to do with the original posters problem? Your situation is completely different.
Hi Bill, my response was exactly with keeping with the post's problem. Being Selfish, and as you mentioned in your post she was being selfish, and some of us responded that she is not being selfish, and not to say the husband doesn't have a valid reason for his thoughts. Some of us...Being Women suggested there must be something else going on with his wife.

You have to reread his post again and see if you see any other issues going on here. As far as that one time where the husband did mentioned he performed Oral Sex on his wife then she got up and went downstairs...Well, a wife doesn't just GO downstairs, there could be more to the story.

Also, something that caught my eye on reading his thread again...
"- Sheís never been happy with the fact that Iím unable to achieve orgasm from oral sex. She has seen this as a reflection on her. I assure her that itís not and that I still enjoy the process, but to no avail. I think maybe sheís done this twice in the last year."

So now....the guy is unhappy that his wife won't perform Oral sex on him...
well...I can't blame her either...He can not achieve an orgasm, and well, some woman Pride themselves with this other act of lovemaking with their husbands....I think they could both benifit seeing a therphist..don't you?

I'm hope my repsonse to you was not rude, that was not my intentions...

Ciao

 
Old 04-23-2004, 04:02 PM   #12
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Bill Magic HB User
Cool Re: My wife is a very selfish lover

So now....the guy is unhappy that his wife won't perform Oral sex on him...
well...I can't blame her either...He can not achieve an orgasm, and well, some woman Pride themselves with this other act of lovemaking with their husbands....I think they could both benifit seeing a therphist..don't you?<

Lol... Is it his fault that he can't orgasm from oral? He told her that he still completely enjoys it. Believe me, there are a lot of guys that don't orgasm from oral alone. Shes just making excuses IMO.. She is selfish in every way..
But yes, I do think they should try counseling if they both want to save what they have. Sex is a very big part of any relationship and when someone just lets it die than I'm sure they are aware that the relationship will suffer because of it. If she knows its her problem than she should be seeking help because she loves her husband and wants the marriage to last. Its on her to help the situation..not him.. Shes not trying anything which means she doesn't care which is selfish... Just agree with me OK??

 
Old 04-23-2004, 05:27 PM   #13
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Re: My wife is a very selfish lover

LOL...Ok, Bill...I will agree with you. You stated some good facts on your last post and added some value...

BUT....I will agree that she is not selfish, maybe confused, just isn't turned on to her husband anymore for some reason...And for sake of agruing with her hubby she'll do the act once in a while? Her husband loves her, we don't know what she is feeling because the husband posted on the board and
well, you know how men and woman don't always see eye to eye, just want to believe, hey, I'm a good, loving husband, I tell her she's beautiful, she cooks, takes care of the kids, cleans the house...YEAH, and the wife is exhuasted from carrying the load, maybe he just annoys her...

Come on...now you have to agree with me....

 
Old 04-23-2004, 05:53 PM   #14
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Re: My wife is a very selfish lover

Quote:
Originally Posted by GirlHarley
LOL...Ok, Bill...I will agree with you. You stated some good facts on your last post and added some value...

BUT....I will agree that she is not selfish, maybe confused, just isn't turned on to her husband anymore for some reason...And for sake of agruing with her hubby she'll do the act once in a while? Her husband loves her, we don't know what she is feeling because the husband posted on the board and
well, you know how men and woman don't always see eye to eye, just want to believe, hey, I'm a good, loving husband, I tell her she's beautiful, she cooks, takes care of the kids, cleans the house...YEAH, and the wife is exhuasted from carrying the load, maybe he just annoys her...

Come on...now you have to agree with me....
What you are saying may well be true.. It would be good to hear the other side.. I'm usually of the belief that it does take two to make something break down like that but if what he says is true, than she at least needs to come clean with him and give her true reasons as to why shes lost interest. As we all know, lack of communication is a huge problem with many relationships.
Agreed??

 
Old 04-23-2004, 06:16 PM   #15
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GirlHarley HB User
Re: My wife is a very selfish lover

AGREED!

 
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