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Old 08-13-2004, 08:50 PM   #1
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What Happened To My Husband's Sex Drive?!

Hi Everyone,
I have a problem and I don't really know what to do about it...My husband and I have been together now for about six years and gradually, over time HE has totally lost all interest in sex!! I know he is not gay or having an affair, we totally trust one another and have a great friendship. I have always had a very healthy sex drive and have NEVER had to deal with this sort of thing before!! I have discussed it with him numerous times and he always emphasizes the fact that it isn't me or anything I am doing wrong, but that he is always too tired after working so much. He says he has also acquired a lot of insecurities about the way he looks now. He has gained a lot of weight since we have been together. But I try to tell him it doesn't bother me, that I think he is sexy and that I need him, and I NEED SEX!! But he never wants it! Is this normal??!! Are there any other couples experiencing this??? I always thought that men were the ones who always wanted sex, not women! I haven't gained any weight, I exercise every day, and am in great shape! Blond hair, blue eyes, etc., etc.. I always try to look good for him...But he just is sooo not sexually interested! HELP! What can I do???
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Last edited by Pamela12; 08-13-2004 at 09:20 PM.

 
Old 08-14-2004, 04:45 AM   #2
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Re: What Happened To My Husband's Sex Drive?!

Could be many things, is he working many hours and may be tired? could he be having erection problems? from a guys point of view i dont know....I know I am readdy to go anytime but if i'm tired or under stress i dont want it as much.

 
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Old 08-14-2004, 06:00 AM   #3
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reni HB User
Re: What Happened To My Husband's Sex Drive?!

He told you what happened to his sex drive. He's overweight, tired, and doesn't feel good about himself. It isn't you. He needs to work on his health... can you help him to eat right and exercise?

 
Old 08-15-2004, 06:40 AM   #4
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Re: What Happened To My Husband's Sex Drive?!

Overweight & fat guys tend to produce too much Estrogen, then they grow breasts, then the ratio of testosterone to estrogen is out of balance.
The older they get the less testosterone they produce thus the Testosterone/Estrogen ratio get worse.

He needs to see an Endocrinologist & get a complete male/female hormone work-up. He may need testosterone supplements. Some Men need HRT the same as women. but is is a taboo subject for men.

If he doesn't have any hormone problems the he may have action somewhere else.

One more thing, did you get fat also? He may find you too different from who he married.

Good luck,

 
Old 08-16-2004, 12:41 PM   #5
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Re: What Happened To My Husband's Sex Drive?!

No, I didn't...Not at all, if anything I am in better shape than before!!
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Old 08-16-2004, 12:47 PM   #6
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Re: What Happened To My Husband's Sex Drive?!

My husband and I have good friends who are married and they think they have gained weight over the years. The man in this relationship has said that his sex drive has weakened due to the weight gain. He says he loves his wife, but sex is just not all that important anymore. Whether it's from not feeling good about himself or being too tired, it's just not the big of a deal. He also told us that when they do have sex, it's over pretty quick! Sorry I am not much help, but at least you know you're not alone.

 
Old 08-16-2004, 08:18 PM   #7
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Re: What Happened To My Husband's Sex Drive?!

Wow, that sound's like us! Thank's for sharing because for months now I have been getting more and more worried. You know we always hear of the men being the sexual dynamos and the women are usually the ones saying, "Not tonight, I have a headache." Well that's a bunch of nonsense as far as I'm concerned. Also I have always heard that "If your not getting sex from your husband, someone else is!" Etc., etc.. It can make a gal paranoid after awhile, ya know? Anyway, thanks again for everyones input, and it DOES help to know we aren't alone!!!
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Old 08-17-2004, 10:16 AM   #8
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Re: What Happened To My Husband's Sex Drive?!

Pam, I suggest that you two should look further than just weight and exercise as major factors for your husbandís condition.

I am in my fifties and was about 60 pounds overweight two years ago but my weight never decreased my desire. I am now about 30 pounds overweight; the weight loss is mostly due to lots of exercise that reduces health concerns. I have much more energy than before but my weight loss hasnít increased my desire. Risking TMI, I have always desired daily relations as a minimum. In summary, weight and exercise have never affected my sex drive. (My weight loss may have affected my wife's drive some. )

My point is that since weight loss seems unattainable for many, I am concerned that you two might accept his physical condition as unchangeable and the sole cause of your problem. Donít just settle for the status quo. Like Gin2C suggested, seek medical help.

 
Old 08-21-2004, 10:14 AM   #9
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Re: What Happened To My Husband's Sex Drive?!

Hi Pamela, have you suggested counceling to your husband? He may need a full physical. He may need thyroid or something. Encourage him to get a physical first, then if nothing shows up, he may need to see a councelor. You might suggest going together. This is an important issue, don't let up on it.

 
Old 08-24-2004, 09:47 PM   #10
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Re: What Happened To My Husband's Sex Drive?!

Hi Pamela,
It's sad to say, but your story is almost identical to mine. My husband and I will be married 4 years in September. We have a great relationship as friends and partners, but when it comes to sex--there just isn't any. We got married 6 months after we met. I was 36, he was 37 at the time. Before marriage we were physically intimate, but since we were living in different states, we only saw each other a few times a month. We did have sex when he would come to visit, but looking back, I was the one who almost always initiated it. But at least he responded and seemed to enjoy it then! I wouldn't say it was the best sex I've ever had, but I figured it would only get better once we were together and had more time with each other. I loved his personality and thought that was far more important at the time than having great sex. Almost immediately after marriage (I mean like 1 week after), the sex decreased to once every few weeks then once every few months--and always at my insistence. Then after 2 years of marriage we had a baby (got pregnant immediately). We didn't have sex through the entire pregnancy or for 9 months afterwards. I have tried to talk to him/write to him/leave voicemails about it and tell him how our lack of physical intimacy affects me, but he always finds a way to get out of answering me properly or had some excuse or promise of changing. The one time he finally did agree to talk, he said some incredibly hurtful things that just didn't make any sense. I know he loves me, and he shows it in a million ways...just not in the bedroom, although he will be affectionate--but, it just never leads to sex. I am dumbfounded about what to do about it. I'm attractive, slim (a size 0), in good shape (I lost a lot of weight after the pregnancy so I now weigh even less than before I met him, which he's happy about and compliments me for). But even when he says I look hot and I dress up for him (it sometimes seems pointless to take the time and trouble with a 1 year old when he doesn't respond to it anyway), he still never wants to have sex. He's able to 'perform' when he decides to--and he's good at it, but it's never spontaneous and seems to lack the depth of emotion I would expect from someone who loves you. He has an excuse for not having sex no matter what--he says he's attracted to me, but he still comes up with ways to avoid it--not the right time, the baby, he's gained weight, too tired, etc. For goodness' sake--it just takes two minutes! Anyway, I try not to think about it most of the time, but then it eventually catches up with me and I feel a gamut of emotions ranging from depression to anger. I know he won't see a sex therapist, but I think I will try to convince him to see an endocrinologist. I am exhausted and feel hopeless and helpless--I am a very sensual, affectionate person and I feel that my life (and body) are being wasted away. Even guys who don't like their wives have the urge--my husband doesn't seem to even have an urge, nor will he do it to at least fill mine. I won't give up on my marriage, but it's really hard to live like this--it's such an incomplete way of life.
I could go on and on, but it won't help. Please let me know if you come up with any strategy or cure! Thanks and my heart goes out to you--I know EXACTLY what you're going through.
Good Luck,
Proton

 
Old 08-25-2004, 08:50 PM   #11
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Re: What Happened To My Husband's Sex Drive?!

Yeah I sort of have that problem. My BF (of 16 years) comes on to me when he is drinking and all he has in mind is ORAL Sex. It is great oral to! I LOVE IT, DON'T GET ME WRONG. It does leave me with the doubt, why doesn't he want to have SEX, although he talks about having sex with me and we will have a quickie here and there, but that is it on the sex life. I have asked many times is it me doing something wrong or what? I have literally went down on him and I know I do that good and he didn't get hard, but I thought he was asleep and I was playing with myself (cause he left me with no orgasm, I wasn't mad though) and he ended up getting hard and he was totally turned on. Sometimes I think sex is a head game (really it is) you have to be into whatever may turn him on, and you have to figure out what turnes men on! See men wwon't tell us what turns them on, they make us figure it out, hmmm kind of like we make them figure it out on what makes us happy. Ok I have said enogh, Just wanted tos ay that I feel foryou!!!!!!!
HAVE A GREAT NITE

 
Old 08-26-2004, 07:25 PM   #12
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Re: What Happened To My Husband's Sex Drive?!

im a guy, i have a normal sex drive, but when im stressed the last thing i want is sex... just me though...

 
Old 09-01-2004, 08:45 PM   #13
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Re: What Happened To My Husband's Sex Drive?!

Wow girlfriend! Just finished reading your post...I believe your situation is more extreme and my heart goes out to you!! It was so ironic but the weekend afterI posted in this area (sexual health), my husband and I had a GREAT weekend together. We were both off work and it was, well, wonderful! But even after saying that, I am still not completely happy with just having sex once or twice amonth, which is about all it is right now! I am so thankful for all of the helpful suggestions though and will look into some of them soon...Keep me posted with how your situation goes and I wish you lots of luck!! Thank's so much for sharing!!
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