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Is my husband gay/bisexual? Worried :-(


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Old 08-27-2004, 10:58 AM   #1
Kyrstyna
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Question Questioning Husband's Sexual Orientation?

Hi..I am new here but I am very concerned about my husband's sexual orientation as there are unanswered questions on his "secret practices" so please bear with me.

I have been married for almost 14 years and have 2 wonderful kids..Things in my marriage haven't always been a bed of roses so I won't bore with details..However, some of my husband's behavior disturbs me.

He locks himself up in our upstairs bathroom for an hour at a time supposedly "taking a shower" BUT..I found a ***** underneath our bathroom sink..Apparently, his "showers" consist of him pleasing himself with a ***** or other anal toys. This is a secret thing that he has been doing for quite sometime and he has NOT shared any part of this with me. I am finding baby oil, anal numbing creams, etc..that he has forgotten to put away or whatever..He also surfs the net while I am asleep looking up various porn sites
which most of what I have seen is heterosexual, threesomes, etc..(didn't have enough time to thoroughly investigate all sites) 4 years into our marriage, he confessed of a gay sexual experience that he had when he was 13 or 14 with some other man..He made it appear as though it was "experimentation" so I just sloughed it off. He is also becoming increasing obsessed with having anal sex with me which I don't want to do..I have told him this. This IS where I am confused!!!

1. He is VERY Macho or tries to appear so
2. He is VERY homophobic
3. He makes it CLEAR that he is a "man" and goes out of his way to make everyone else think so too.
4. He's more interested in cologne lately
5. He wants sex maybe once a month.
6. He enjoys masturbating by himself more than actual sex with me.
7. He is preoccupied with porn!

I have no clue what to think..I mean I thought I knew him but the evidence/details over the years do NOT look good in his favor...What the heck do I do or say? Thanks so much if you got through this thread..I am grateful for any opinions.

Last edited by Kyrstyna; 08-27-2004 at 11:11 AM. Reason: title edit

 
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Old 08-27-2004, 11:50 AM   #2
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Re: Is my husband gay/bisexual? Worried :-(

It's possible your husband is just curious about anal sex. I also had an experience with a non-woman when i was 14. I'm neither proud of it, nor have I ever wanted to repeat it. Your husband is lucky to have found someone who has been so accepting of it.

I guess the real question here is, is your husband 100% committed to you and the family you have made together? You'll just have to ask him and trust he is being honest. If he's willing, maybe talk openly about why he's curious about this? Though it sounds like he's not yet, based on the whole homophopic/Machismo thing.

 
Old 08-27-2004, 03:50 PM   #3
reni
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Re: Questioning Husband's Sexual Orientation?

You haven't said anything that makes it sound like your husband is gay or bisexual. Plenty of straight men are curious about/like anal stimulation for themselves and desire anal intercourse. It is fine that you don't want to engage in anal intercourse, but could you indulge his interest in anal stimulation by using "toys" on him? If you don't want to do that, I don't see what harm him using the toys on himself does.

 
Old 08-27-2004, 04:37 PM   #4
yomamab
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Re: Questioning Husband's Sexual Orientation?

Gosh, your situation sounds similar to mine! For one thing, I like to have sex a lot more than my husband wants to have it. I would do it every day, whereas once or twice a week is enough for him. Since I don't want to have an affair, I went and bought some toys to give myself orgasms since our sexual needs differ so much.
I don't know how old your husband is. Mine is 52 and I think going through some mid-life crisis or something, as he has been acting so differently the past year or so. He's been buying shirts that I think look on the feminine side, although they are guy's shirts, and it's always black and white ones. He's been trying to act so cool and hip and has been hanging out with other guys and go out to bars with them some Saturday nights. I get upset when he's gone from 9pm until 4 or 5 in the morning, but I don't say anything. I just hope that I'm not being naive and that he might be having an affair!
My husband has been always been into cologne, so that hasn't really changed any, but for the past year or more he's been putting lotion on himself. At first it was just on his hands; now he does it to his whole body. I'm wondering if any other guys do that?
My husband got his ears pierced a little over a year ago. I thought one set was bad enough, but now he has two sets of earrings and is talking about getting the cartilage at the top of his ears pierced. Some guys look okay with earrings...he does NOT! But of course, when I tell him this, we just end up fighting, so I've shut up about it.
About the anal stimulations, mine is into that too, although he's never asked me to have anal intercourse. I even had to take him to the emergency room one time because he had taken a perfume/cologne bottle of mine and shoved it up his butt and couldn't get it back out. I guess he learned from that not to use that again! I can imagine how embarrassed he must have felt having to have a doctor remove that from his anus! He said it hurt like you-know-what!
I know that my husband looks at porn on the internet, but I wouldn't say that he's preoccupied with it. I don't know what to tell you about that. It's just that some guys like to look at that stuff more than others, I guess, but I don't think it should replace a man's having sex with his wife.
Perhaps your husband is like mine and maybe has a feminine side that's trying to get out in a way. Maybe he feels that feminism about himself and so tries to overcompensate by trying to act real macho. My psychologist, who knows both my husband and I, had even said that mine has a strong feminine side. Yeah, I believe that!
My husband is not a homophobe. As a matter of fact, we have a son who is gay. He doesn't live with us though. He lives several states away, but we get along with him just fine.
As far as your husband being gay, I kind of doubt it, although I'm no expert. I just know that our situations sound somewhat similar and I'm 99% sure that he's not gay. It even got the best of me one day, so I just came right out and asked him if he was. He told me that he's not. So there's my story, for what it's worth. I hope you get some resolution to this issue.

 
Old 09-03-2004, 07:39 PM   #5
liza
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Re: Is my husband gay/bisexual? Worried :-(

Based apon what you said, I would say he is gay and in the "closet" so to speak. He has a gay sexual experience in the past. He uses a ***** on himself, and especially the list you wrote:
These are signs of a closet homosexual.

1. He is VERY Macho or tries to appear so
2. He is VERY homophobic
3. He makes it CLEAR that he is a "man" and goes out of his way to make everyone else think so too.

I remember seeing a documentary about it which also had real interviews.

I mean he could be bi-sexual, but he is no way straight.

If it was just an issue of the *****, I would say maybe there is no problem
but based on the other factors you wrote in the post, I say that there is a problem and he is hiding his true sexuality.

I think you need to have a serious talk with him.

Last edited by liza; 09-03-2004 at 07:50 PM.

 
Old 09-03-2004, 07:51 PM   #6
justhangnout
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Re: Is my husband gay/bisexual? Worried :-(

How would things change for you if you found out your husband was Gay? Would you want to stay in the relationship?

 
Old 09-03-2004, 10:18 PM   #7
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Re: Is my husband gay/bisexual? Worried :-(

Quote:
Originally Posted by liza
Based apon what you said, I would say he is gay and in the "closet" so to speak. He has a gay sexual experience in the past. He uses a ***** on himself, and especially the list you wrote:
These are signs of a closet homosexual.

1. He is VERY Macho or tries to appear so
2. He is VERY homophobic
3. He makes it CLEAR that he is a "man" and goes out of his way to make everyone else think so too.

I remember seeing a documentary about it which also had real interviews.

I mean he could be bi-sexual, but he is no way straight.

If it was just an issue of the *****, I would say maybe there is no problem
but based on the other factors you wrote in the post, I say that there is a problem and he is hiding his true sexuality.

I think you need to have a serious talk with him.
Could you talk about that documentary more? and are you a psychologist or sexologist? Based on your knowledgeany one who is 1-homophobic-2-Macho-3 and makes it clear that he is a man he is Gay or Bi-sexual? usually we hear such stuff from gay people themselves

 
Old 09-03-2004, 10:53 PM   #8
sensibleshoes
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Re: Is my husband gay/bisexual? Worried :-(

I agree that it's possible he's just very into anal stimulation. Lots of men are, and aren't gay.

Our society (particularly the internet) is making information about all kinds of sexual behavior easily accessible - and making what used to be considered deviant, commonplace. I won't judge that, you can think it's the fall of society or whatever, but the fact it people are expressing desires they never would admit to before, feeling that their desires are more mainstream than they used to think.

Here's a suggestion. Try and participate in his experimentation. If you can show him you're at least tolerent and understanding of his desires, he might be very receptive, and your sex life will move to a new level. Who knows, you might benefit too!

But if he rejects your attempts to participate in this fantasy, I think you need to do some straight talking with him. (no pun intended)

Something like this just broke up my marriage - we simply could not talk about what we wanted. And our expectations grew farther and farther apart. So tackle this head on NOW before it gets out of control.

 
Old 09-06-2004, 12:41 AM   #9
vesuvius
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Re: Is my husband gay/bisexual? Worried :-(

I'm a straight man, and I've never stuck anything in my anus, let alone spend an hour doing it, never used anal numbing creams, and never had any sexual experience with a man. In fact, you say he confessed to having a sexual experience with another "man" at 13? Did you mean to say another boy, or was it really a man? That might be where your answers lie. Molestation can have an effect on sexuality

 
Old 09-06-2004, 10:28 AM   #10
jamie17
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Re: Is my husband gay/bisexual? Worried :-(

Yikes, so much going on here.

First off: sexual experiences when you are 13 are not the same as adult sexual experiences --- they can often just be chalked up to normal experimentation and curiosity and most likely have no impact on adult sexuality. So just throw that one out the window and forget about it.

Second, enjoying anal stimulation is not a gay thing. All men have prostates and many men enjoy having their prostates stimulated --- a quick perusal of these boards will turn up many posts from straight men who enjoy anal activities.

But, anything anal often gets labeled as gay --- and if your husband is so macho and homophobic, he may have a hard time admitting to anyone, even his wife, that he enjoys anal stimulation, and that could be why he is doing all this in secret and hasn't brought you in on it. (Or is he? I'm sorry, but if you *really* want to keep something a secret, you don't *accidentally* leave your lube, anal numbing cream, and dildos out in the open --- and you probably don't store them in as public a place as right under the bathroom sink! Sounds to me like he wanted to get caught.)

His viewing porn means nothing. I don't know why women have such a hard time with wrapping their minds around this one, but men like porn. It doesn't mean anything. Period. At least he's viewing straight porn!

So: porn means nothing (in and of itself), a 13-year old gay sex experience doesn't really count, and liking anal sex is totally normal for a straight man. So far, what we have is a straight man with a rather unfortunate habit of hiding his sex life instead of living it openly and sharing it with his wife.

But, as you said, this situation is not without some warning signals. To me, the biggest sign that he might be gay? That he's so anti-gay and macho acting. It seems to me that anyone who takes such great pains to appear a certain way, must be very afraid inside himself that they really are or might appear to be exactly the way they are trying so hard to cover up. Think about it: if you are not interested in or worried about something, you don't ever think about it, do you? You pay it no mind, it's not part of your life, it doesn't even register on your radar. I'm not talking about the anal sex here --- I'm talking about the homophobia and extreme macho-man act. If you know you're straight and you're not worried about it, then you never think about it and you don't have to try so hard to prove it to everyone. See where I'm going with this?

But what's inside a person is bound to come out. It always does, everytime. Secrets will eat away at you from the inside, until you start acting out and eventually do stupid things out of desperation to expose yourself. Like leaving your ***** in plain view under the bathroom sink.

Thing is, he might not be gay --- he might just be into anal stuff and so repressed he can't admit it to anyone --- maybe not even himself, so he tries as hard as possible to direct attention the other way --- but so turned on by it he can't give it up, either, and he's getting sloppy.

Or he could be gay, and again, unable to accept it and so freaked out by it that he's desperately trying to give people the completely opposite idea --- but it's almost impossible to keep up such a diligent facade forever, so again, he's starting to get sloppy.

Either way, the only way you're ever going to know is if you talk to him. Be prepared for him to not be ready to face whatever it is.

Last edited by jamie17; 09-06-2004 at 10:32 AM. Reason: spelling/grammar

 
Old 09-06-2004, 11:07 AM   #11
sensibleshoes
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Re: Is my husband gay/bisexual? Worried :-(

Quote:
Originally Posted by vesuvius
I'm a straight man, and I've never stuck anything in my anus, let alone spend an hour doing it, never used anal numbing creams, and never had any sexual experience with a man. In fact, you say he confessed to having a sexual experience with another "man" at 13? Did you mean to say another boy, or was it really a man? That might be where your answers lie. Molestation can have an effect on sexuality

So you naturally assume that all other straight men are like you, right?

Well they're not. The simple fact it that your anus has more sexual nerve endings in it than any other spot in your body. So many that the sensation is very intense, and can come off as painful. Some people can handle the intensity, some cannot. But our society has put such a taboo on anything to do with the anus that the guilt that comes with enjoying it is overwhelming.

In fact, when a straight man finds he DOES enjoy anal stimulation - even when it's only with a straight partner - the guilt associated with the assumed "gay" connection can be a total mind bender.

Just remember that this is all PERCEPTION!!!!!! If the two of you decide that you want to enjoy anal play in your relationship, what's wrong with that? With reasonable health precautions, why does anybody need to know, or judge?

Enjoying any part of your body does not mean you are gay. Gay means you prefer being stimulated by one SEX over another. Not what body parts you enjoy being stimulated.

AND - if you decide that you simply don't like being touched there for whatever reason, there's nothing wrong with that EITHER. Just don't judge others who do.

 
Old 09-06-2004, 05:27 PM   #12
uchimama
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Re: Is my husband gay/bisexual? Worried :-(

I have to agree with the 'he's not gay' people. I think you would have known something long before now. They say the man's prostate is the same as the woman's g-spot and many men like to have it stimulated. My husband does and he's definitly not gay.

 
Old 09-06-2004, 08:03 PM   #13
vesuvius
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Re: Is my husband gay/bisexual? Worried :-(

Okay I shouldn;t have inferred that he is gay because he likes the anal fun. But by the way this sounds, it still doesn't seem right. I don't know if its the secret of it or what. I'm also still curoious as to whom his gay encounter at 13 was with, because I think its different whether it was another boy or an adult.

 
Old 09-06-2004, 09:07 PM   #14
sensibleshoes
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Re: Is my husband gay/bisexual? Worried :-(

Sure, and I think that's why she's concerned. And a lot will be answered if he's relieved that she brings it up, or standoffish.

As far as the abuse vs. experimentation issue goes, yes, of course it might have more of an impact if it was an adult, but many people have learned to incorporate something negative that happened once or twice into their current sex lives as a positive. I hate to see somebody head into therapy for something they might really be OK with.

Again, it will all depend if anal play is something he wants to discuss and share with his wife or not.

 
Old 09-07-2004, 01:26 PM   #15
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Re: Is my husband gay/bisexual? Worried :-(

There is a whole lot of history of your relationship that we do not know. You said it hasn't been a bed or roses. His prefering masturbation over sex might have something to do with your relationship. His anal play might be something he discovered and found he liked and if he doesn't share an active sex life with you then he doesn't feel compelled to share this aspect either.Especially if he feels you would'nt approve.My husband went through a period when we were trying anal things,it was something new and newness can be exciting,but eventually it became just an occasional thing,yet lots of straight guys enjoy it alot. As for the macho thing,we don't know your husband. My brother acts all macho and some may think the way some of you do about him, but I grew up with him and know how when he was 8 through 15 years old, other kids would tease him and call him gay because they thought he was girly looking. So he grew up subconsciously trying to prove his manhood. I don't see anything so far, that would make me automatically think your husband was gay. With what you have said so far,I just see a relationship problem.He just seems to be doing his own thing without including you.

 
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