My husband of 24 years has to have sex in the evening and morning and sometimes in the afternoon and also masturbates. I'm not complaining about that, our sex life is great because I am also multi-orgasmic. He's very healthy, exercises, takes vitamins and generally takes good care of himself. He totally does not look 57. He doesn't always orgasm, but he sure does try and does orgasm more times than not.
For the last year or so, he's gotten into talking dirty when it's his turn to orgasm. He tells me things like "I want to do a young girl" "I want you to be with another man" "I want us to have sex with other couples" etc. but in more vulgar language, all things talking about OTHER people, rarely about how much he enjoys sex with me.
Lately, he's been telling me that he has extremely strong desires to be with different women that he meets and at times stated that it scares him because he knows I don't want him to do it and I've told him I would leave him if he does. Some women have indicated to him that they are willing, but since he knows how strongly I feel about him not doing that, he hasn't put things in motion. He's desperate for my permission and says he would not risk losing me.
This scares me too. What if one day he just can't hold it in? We have sex so often, he's not sex-starved, just different partner-starved, but that he loves me and that's all it would be with these women, nothing but sex, no attachments.
I have an aunt that told me when a man gets older, the more perverted they get. Is this true? Is it normal?
Last edited by Mod-S4; 04-24-2005 at 09:18 AM.
Reason: Please note edits to your post. Use proper terminology.
Wildcat, I agree with JinL, this is not normal for a 57 year old man. My husband is soon to be 55, and has no sex drive at all left (partly due to anti-depressants). I wish a little of your husband would rub off on him! But seriously, it sounds like he has an obsession with sex. This is not normal, wanting sex that much at that age, the wanting to be with other women and swapping etc. He may need counceling. This may be a form form of OCD. I am afraid you probably would have a hard time getting him to counceling though. Good luck with this!
Well, he's certainly not abnormal for having sex that frequently, nor for wanting sex that frequently. People's desires are all over the board... and all are normal. It's also not abnormal to fantasize about other partners.
Generally speaking, people have reasons for the things they do, and sometimes they aren't clear even to them. I would strongly suggest seeing a sex therapist together; s/he will be able to help you get the issue out in the open and help you start working on it openly and honestly together. But even if he won't go, you should go anyway. I think it will really help clarify things for you.
HI...I'm not sure what normal is or is not for a man of 57. I think that you have to set your own standards for intimacy and, since you don't seem to dislike the frequency of sex, I think normal is something you have already established in your relationship.
I would also hesitate to suggest that his new behaviors are abnormal although he probably has been entertaining these thoughts for a while.
What is troubling to me is that he seems to disregard your feelings about the "dirty sex talk," the talk of having multiple partners, his desire for you to be with another man and he with a younger woman. I think that is what I find most disturbing. Assuming that you have told him how deeply these things bother you and that he understands that, and that he still persists in bringing these elements to your sex life, I probably would suggest that you and he need to discuss these issues with a counselor. You have been together for 24 yrs and that's a long time and it doesn't sound like you want to end the relationship, nor do I think you are headed in that direction. But you really have to be frank with him and explain that he is moving into a territory that is unacceptable to you.
First of all, thank you all for your responses. They reiterate to me what I've been suspecting/thinking -- that he is obsessed with sex, mixed in with perversion. I've told him that, but he takes it as a compliment. I do know he has a tendency to be obsessive in everything he does and this is one of many but the only one that bothers me.
JinL, I have told him that I do not want to have sex with another man, woman or anything else he could come up with. I've also told him I don't like the vulgar talk, but it's like he forgets while in the act. He knows it hurts me.
I understand the fantasizing, I'm no angel either, but I do not come close to his obsession and for me, it's a fantasy, that's all. I also understand older men would love to get their hands on younger women to prove to themselves that they still have it. Some do, maybe he thinks he's entitled too. He's always been attractive and attracted to other women, he is handsome, and like I said, does not look his age. He barely has grey hair and that's at the temples.
Litthotwm, I truly wish I could give some of the sex drive over to your hubby, believe me!
Sparkleflower, I've thought about counseling, but you're right, I wouldn't be able to get him to do it. He has a paranoia about people in authority and doesn't trust most people. He does see a psychiatrist because of his PTSD, but even he says, he only tells her what she wants to hear and says they're a bunch of quacks.
Thank you all, I think I will be looking for counseling for myself. In the 24 (really 29) years that I've known him, I don't think he's ever scared me as much. Yes, I do have my insecurities, always have when it comes to seeing other women flirt with him and I have my jealousies. I've told him that I wish I didn't care so much for him so I could let him go. Yes, he apologizes profusely, but a few days later, we're right back to the same thing. The thing that keeps me with him is that I do believe him when he says he's never cheated on me. That's the reason he brings up wanting other people, he wants to be upfront.
My apologies Mod-S4, I will remember the terminology.