ScruffyGuy

Hubby should probably be encouraged (though he cannot be forced) to visit your counselor with you -- or both of you see a NEW marriage counselor together -- or he can see a counselor alone.

His passing the buck to you and stating that it is up to YOU to "retrain" him is likely to be little more than lazy behavior. Yet we can't say this for certain, just hearing your side of the story, of course. But it is worth keeping in mind.

He be sexually lazy as well, which is linked to being lazy in general, though not always. It is EASY for someone to receive oral sex and not have to perform. OF COURSE he likes it -- he gets to lay there and you do the work and he's not obligated to do anything else.

It's probably not entirely his fault, naturally. You say providing oral sex doesn't make you feel sexy at all. IT SHOULD. But it also should not be the ONLY thing you guys do together. And the fact of the matter is -- if you feel undesirable, it's going to show in your attitude and personality. That's going to turn him off.

You asked US here to tell you if you are undesirable now. We can't know that. ARE you much different now as compared to several years ago when you were newly married? Did you let yourself go? Be honest -- it matters. If you have an unhappy sexual attitude and it is also reflected in your appearance -- if you don't care about yourself at all -- you have to give him some slack here. Why would you expect him to be turned on by this, assuming that maybe it is true?

There could be dozens of reasons for his lack of sexual attention. Money, stress, work, you name it. We need to know more about your situation.

Without knowing more, the only thing I can personally tell you right now is:

See about mutual counseling -- YOUR personal counselor can recommend if he or she thinks marriage counseling together is a good idea -- or a sex therapist -- or individual counseling or whatever.

Meanwhile, work with your counselor about getting over your feelings of undesirability. You should feel "dirty" providing oral -- it should be an intimate and loving act. But it should NOT be the ONLY sex you ever have! You DESERVE to be made love to yourself.

It is always going to be up to hubby to retrain HIMSELF.

You can, however, help him out. Since he seems to WANT you to help him get "retrained," why not have some sex wherein YOU are "on top" and do more of the work? At least to start. Make sure he knows this is on a provisional basis and that you will want to transition to other positions and styles of intercourse. If you give him oral -- he should reciprocate for you, too.

TALK to the man. If he's reluctant to speak -- talk to your counselor until he is ready.

This will take time -- if you try to rush it, it could blow up in your face. He may start to feel sexual performance anxiety and use his "excuse" about being retrained to make YOU feel like the guilty party. Watch for this behavior and recognize it when it happens, so he knows he won't be able to get away with it for long. DO NOT "accuse" and "confront" him, though. Just keep your eyes open and pay attention to what he says and does or does not do -- then try to see it from his perspective and play your cards accordingly.

Doubtful that this is something that is the result of either of you ENTIRELY alone. It's a mutual kind of thing that happened here.

It doesn't sound like YOU are blaming either JUST him or JUST yourself. That's good -- try not to do that. Sex does take two, of course.

And certainly your previous history of sexual abuse plays a huge part here -- but that's something you need to seriously detail with your counselor.

This will take time and it will not always be easy. But it IS worth a try to resolve.

Be patient, be proud of yourself, take CARE of yourself -- and work this through, bit by bit.

Good luck.