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Old 06-30-2005, 11:54 PM   #1
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Unhappy Being close to my husband is making me ill

Hello I am posting for the first time here so please excuse me if my etiq. is not correct. I am pregnant My husband and I tried for over a year to concieve this child and were thrilled. Problem is I am extremely sensitive to smells and my husband has just been letting himself go. His personal hygiene has taken a dive. I am lucky if he will bath once a week occassionally twice. His breath is just awful and tartar is starting to cake up on his teeth. He wants to lay underneathe me and wants to try to kiss me and talk about the baby and I am repulsed. I have spoken to him about my extreme sensitivity to smell and he promises to do better but does not carry through. It has been a month and a half since we have been intimate and i will not kiss him or get close to him. I get extremely nauseated around him because of his body odor. I will not even sleep in the same bed with him. It seems to hurt his feelings but it is either force myself to be near him and be extremely nauseated or avoid him. We use to be so close. We had issue with this in the past but had not had not had this problem in over a year. I do not know how to handle this. his feelings appear to be hurt I feel like he does not care that he makes me ill. I have even cried over this because i do not know if my marriage can take five more months of this. I miss being with him and I want to be enjoying this pregnancy with him but what else can i do to encourage him to change this filthy behavior? Any advice?

 
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Old 07-01-2005, 12:27 AM   #2
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Re: Being close to my husband is making me ill

You are avoiding getting close to him because it makes you physically ILL, not that you don't want to be near him.

Why is he avoiding being near to you? HE is the one who can make it happen, but is choosing not to.

It's unfortunate that his feelings are hurt but it's not your fault. Who's fault is it that YOUR feelings are hurt because he doesn't care enough to have a shower?

Actions speak louder than words. If he loves you he will shower. Tell him.

 
Old 07-01-2005, 05:15 AM   #3
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Re: Being close to my husband is making me ill

You say he was like this before you got pregnant? How did or could you handle it them-----im mean.....being intimate with him. Did it disgust you then? I know what you mean about the smell sensitivity when pregnant. I was too. Showering once or twice a week...just isnt proper hygene. This is a sensitive topic to bring up to someone....BUT....he has to know, or you will continue feeling the way you do, and start building resentment. Ask if you can shower togehter.....or, just come out and tell him. Good Luck....

 
Old 07-01-2005, 06:34 AM   #4
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Re: Being close to my husband is making me ill

It could be a sign of depression.Since this issue is so very important to you and he knows that and he seems to really care about you,the only thing that I could think of that would possibly make him continue to do this despite the fact that he knows how strongly you feel about it would be some sort of a possible depressive disorder.In any normal healthy relationship people will try and do things to better attract themselves to thier partners,do you know what I am trying to say?i would sit down with him and really discuss why he continues to do this.Ask him how he really truely has been feeling.It wont go away til you can find the reasons.Good luck.FB
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Old 07-01-2005, 08:01 AM   #5
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Re: Being close to my husband is making me ill

We had issues with this in the past and my husband had seemed to correct these issues. It had been well over a year ago that we had tackled this problem. He had taken such an interest in his appearence we had even purchased new clothing togather. He was taking great pride in himself. Some of his old habits seemed to be issues from not been properly taught as a child and just bachlor living. It seemed we had gotton beyond any minor isssues I had with him. If he is depressed this is the only sign because nothing else has changed. He waits on me hand and foot and wants to talk about the baby and buy things for the baby all the time. He seems to feel like bathing more than once or twice a week is a chore. I have bought him new toothbrushes manual and electric, I keep toothpaste and mouth wash and of course I make it a ritual to brush my teeth in either eyeshot or earshot. I just dont get it but he is not touching me so long as he smells and i can not imagine him suffocating our baby with this hiddeous ordor. I want to be intimate with my husband he tries to initiate sex with me but I get up and walk away. I will not subject my self to misery and nausea. I just do not know how we are going to make it through this pregnancy.
He always seems to be offended any time I bring up the subject so i just am not anymore. I guess only time will tell as the only solution is one that he has to decide to make and so far has not.

 
Old 07-01-2005, 09:01 AM   #6
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Re: Being close to my husband is making me ill

Maybe deep down, he really doesn't want to have sex while your pregant so he keeps being dirty on purpose.Maybe everything will go back to normal once you have the baby.

 
Old 07-01-2005, 10:12 AM   #7
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Re: Being close to my husband is making me ill

I had a boyfriend that was like this once. He basically enjoyed being dirty, at least thats the only thing I could figure from it. I dealt with it as much as I could, and I kept telling myself that he would eventually change for me, or I could make him change. The bottom line is you can't make people change. They have to want to change for themselves. This subject is so sensitive though, its hard to bring it up. What I use to do is wash his clothes all the time, I'd walk in and be like I'm doing laundry, give me those clothes you have on, I need a full load. Then I'd go and pick something new out for him. Another way I use to trick him into things is by taking him out somewhere nice, I would pick out his clothes, and lay them in the bathroom along with his shampoo and a fresh towel.

Anyway, I got tired of it all, he didn't want to change for himself or me, and I eventually had to leave the relationship. You have a baby coming, and you are going to have a lot to deal with, does he clean up after himself house wise? Or do you have to do all the dishes and all the house work and anything else? It might hurt to think about it now, but I would say unless hes willing to change his ways, you might need to get out of there. I know right now it doesn't seem like a big deal, but babies need a home, not a dumpster, and they need a father, not a bum.

Cleaniness is very important to me, so I hold this in high regard now. You really need to sit down and talk to him, and explain that its putting your marriage at risk, and if he don't change, for your sake and for the babies you might have to leave.

If you aren't willing to go that far with it then at least let him know exactly how you feel, don't care whether or not you hurt his feelings. He needs to know.

 
Old 07-01-2005, 11:29 AM   #8
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Unhappy Re: Being close to my husband is making me ill

thanks jenny for being so candid. He does help around the house reasonably but things pertaining to taking care of his physical self is an issue. I do not fell he cares enough about his health or cleanliness and if we can not maintain a level of intimacy the choices may be grim at this point. Some days I feel like I wish i were here alone. We have been togather for almost nine years although we have not been married but a year and a half. We have a five year old son togather. For the most part i have lived alone and was alone during my pregnancy with my son so this is the first time I have had him around 24/7 during a pregnancy. Since my son has always lived with me he has my habits about personal hygiene. As an infant he was not around my son much because of the distance as well as the fact that we had broken up. We have been in the process of trying to buy our first home and now i feel like such a small issue is going to kill our marriage. It is a small thing but the impact is so big on this marriage. I am going to have to get nasty about it, if he gets upset enough to leave then so be it because this is starting to stress me so bad. I want to be able to enjoy my pregnancy and be close to my husband, he acts like he finds me desirable, I'm constantly shucking off his advances. If it were minor that would be one thing I am too tired to fight this battle and plays games with him about cleaning his body. Last night I laid out fresh clean clothes for him underwear and all along with wash cloth etc. HE STILL CHOSE TO WARE DIRTY CLOTHES TO WORK THIS MORNING. The first thing he is going to wanna do when he walks in the door is try to hug and rub on me I can not take anymore. I am telling him today that he can not touch me period if he has not showered and brushed his teeth and he may not sleep in the bed room. If this behavior does not change before the baby gets here here then I am going to have to decide the next appropriate action because I can not imagine our baby having to endure the odor even our five year old avoids him, I think it is because he smells. So I laying all the cards on the table today either he changes or i am going to have to make some drastic decisions about this marriage I just can not live like this.

Last edited by frematt; 07-01-2005 at 11:36 AM.

 
Old 07-01-2005, 12:51 PM   #9
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Re: Being close to my husband is making me ill

You said he's been like this before. Was he like that when you first got together and has actually always been like that?

If he's always been like that and just managed to pull it together for you and is now slacking off again, I'd say you've got one heck of a battle in front of you. If it's a pattern he slipped into out of laziness but wasn't always like that, then it should be easier.

In either case, it's a matter of motivation for him. One will just be harder. He has to understand what his behavior is getting him, and what the benefits will be if he cleans up. Anyone can change if they are properly motivated.

It could also be some kind of passive-aggressive thing, in which case you'll have to try to find out what it is he's rebelling about.
In the meantime, why dont you suggest you will have sex with him IN the shower?

 
Old 07-01-2005, 02:00 PM   #10
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Re: Being close to my husband is making me ill

Oh... no, no, no...

Something is seriously wrong here.

Whatever triggered his behavior before is happening again. Whatever caused him to clean up his act that last time he went through this -- that motivation has left. He needs to find it again.

This is NOT a "little thing." This is a HUGE problem. There's a whole lot of good reasons for proper personal hygiene -- I don't think we need to list them all here, they are fairly obvious.

You can't ignore this. In fact, dear poster, for many of us here -- this is a relationship KILLER. I don't care what ties I had with someone, how many children, how wonderful that person was ASIDE from the slovenly habits -- NOT bathing would be the END for me.

Clearly this is HIGHLY distressing for you -- and with good cause. I almost never recommend ultimatums -- yet in this case... it is time to put your foot down.

Now, I am quite certain there is some psychological issue at play here. Something is triggering this. He is uncaring about his own cleanliness -- there's a reason why -- but there is nothing in your post to indicate WHY he might be doing this right now. It is possible the impending child has something to do with it, but there's still not enough information to get to the bottom of WHY he's behaving this way.

You need to discuss it, that's all there is to it. It hurts his feelings -- yeah, well... it's literally making YOU sick! It's bad for the home, it's bad for your kid, it's bad for your unborn baby, it's bad for your marriage, it's killed your sex life -- it has to END now.

This doesn't mean you have to be hateful or rude to him -- but you DO have to be honest. HINTING by brushing your teeth in front of him or laying out clothing is clearly NOT working. It's time to face the situation head-on: time to sit him down and tell him the COMPLETE truth.

You say he's a good husband otherwise. I'd guess this means that if you were to tell him the whole truth he would not lash out and cause you any physical harm. If you think he would cause you some harm -- LEAVE NOW. If you are sure he will not -- gear yourself up for a painful talk. It has to happen.

You know best how to discuss this with him, in terms of how to appeal to his personality. But I'd still give him a bottom line scenario: "Honey, you have to shower EVERY single day, you have to brush your teeth after every meal, and you have to wear clean clothes every day -- or our marriage will end."

It's just that simple.

Unless, of course, you are actually willing to tolerate this for the rest of your life.

Waiting until the baby is born is NOT an option, in my opinion. This is something that must be handled NOW.

This is between you and him -- it may embarrass him at first, but that's just TOUGH. Make sure he knows you will NEVER discuss it with anyone else -- this is a private matter.

My ultimate advice is to get him to see a psychologist -- but based on your post and the fact that this has not been discussed here, I'm guessing this would be nearly impossible at this point. It IS valid for you to suggest this to him if he refuses to comply with your request, though.

And though I know it is difficult and painful to consider -- if it were me... I'd actually LEAVE if he didn't bathe. Go to a friend, a family member, anywhere at all... Let him see that you mean business.

This is completely unacceptable behavior and it is rooted in SOMETHING that is making him rebel. Against WHAT, I don't know. Do YOU?

Best of luck to you... this is simply one of the most shocking things I've ever heard.

 
Old 07-01-2005, 03:25 PM   #11
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Unhappy Re: Being close to my husband is making me ill

I know that it is shocking I do not know any one else who does not take bathes on a regular basis. Anytime I try to point out something such as babe why put on dirty clothes if you have just taken a bath or babe you need to brush you teeth he gets upset and says stuff like "oh you my mama now" or "I am grown i do not need you telling me what to do", or the thing I hate the most "yes mother". He does not like the idea of anyone telling him what he should do or needs to do. He would never put his hands on me this I am sure of and you hit the nail on the head when you said this is a relationship killer. I am getting very resentful of my husband because he is making me miserable. I am waiting for him to get home as we speak praying that he will not try to climb all over me when he walks in the door . I am going to have to have that dreaded conversation with him as far as me leaving I am a house wife I have not worked in almost a year. I have some money but not nearly enough to just pick up and leave completely. I guess I better start figuring some things out I did not think I would be facing something like this so soon in our marriage. Some one suggested I take a shower with him in between vomiting from the sheer smell of him with his clothes off it is enough to deal with him with his clothes on. I am not going to make myself sick just to have sex with my husband. He's either gonna have to get it or we are going to have to decide the fate of this marriage.

 
Old 07-01-2005, 04:05 PM   #12
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Re: Being close to my husband is making me ill

You do understand that I was suggesting you have sex with him in the shower AFTER he's washed, right?

Anyway, it sounds like he's being passive-aggressive to me. Especially the part where he chose to put on dirty clothes when you'd put out clean ones for him. Since he doesn't like being told what to do, and you're there putting out his clothes, telling him to bathe, etc, and he actually says "yes mother" (I would go ballistic with that one!), he's obviously rebelling in a very child-like manner: he's NOT going to bathe, he's not going to wear what you put out...

I hope you two can have a good talk when he gets home. There's obviously problems on both your sides...
Good luck.

 
Old 07-01-2005, 06:08 PM   #13
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Re: Being close to my husband is making me ill

Oh my God, I think my husband has been going into the history files and going behind me on the internet, He is not computer savvy I did not even think he knew how to, but he has to have. He came straight home today and took a shower and not his usual two, three minute shower he brought home mouth wash and toiletries. He put on clean clothes. I am just floored right now because I am wondering if he is going to say something about me discussing this over the net. I am just thankful that today he is clean and i am not nauseated I know I am still going to have to confront the issue, i just wish i could have sat down with him first as oppose to him reading some of these post. He is out right now getting somethings for me i think that i am going to try and slipped this in tonight by saying see how much better something as simple as a shower can make things we have been this close in a long time and see how he reacts

 
Old 07-02-2005, 01:11 PM   #14
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Re: Being close to my husband is making me ill

Praise him like a puppy dog!

Yep -- he's clean now -- let him know how HAPPY this makes you. And frankly, it's not deceptive or manipulative of you to do that -- it is the TRUTH.

Reward him with some tenderness, closeness, a long kiss and a tight hug, at the very least.

The fact that he brought home personal hygiene supplies would indicate that maybe he is ready to make a change.

I REALLY hope so, for your sake, for his, for your kid, your marriage...

Yes, still have "the talk" with him, but... NOW you can make it MUCH more pleasant: "Honey, I am so happy today. You look GREAT. You SMELL GREAT. You are such a turn-on to me when you are looking good."

THAT'S also true -- and a GREAT way to start a discussion that is not accusatory and not negative.

If he looked at the history on your browser and saw these posts -- hey, that's cool. Now he sees the opinion of other people and knows JUST how you feel, too. You were VERY complimentary to him with everything you wrote, aside from the problem at hand. You made it perfectly clear that he's a good man and that you love him. He may have had to swallow his pride when reading this stuff (if he did), but at least he knows the TRUTH and also knows just how much you CARE.

I'd continue that honesty and tell him everything you told us. Let him know how you feel about him and let him know that future sex will simply NOT happen if he goes back to slovenly ways.

Incidentally, I should have been more clear, I apologize: when I suggested you leave, I meant temporarily, to get your point across -- stay with family or friends for a short time during which the two of you would still meet and discuss the situation. The only problem with that is that you'd have to confess the whoever is letting you stay with them that you have some issue in your relationship, though you don't have to say WHAT it is. This is still an option you can reserve if he stops bathing again, but let's hope it doesn't come to that.

And, yes... perhaps you are approaching him in a manner which puts him on the defensive and makes him "act out" by "disobeying" your requests for him to bathe. He's clearly doing this to make a point that he "answers to no one." Ah, yeah, well... a MAN can still be a MAN and be a CLEAN MAN. He's mistaken -- it is NOT about YOU telling him WHAT to do -- it's JUST about you wanting to have a clean husband and a healthy home and a happy sex life!

I don't think ANY man can reject these desires for too long -- at least not without a HUGE psychological issue that needs addressing. Assuming he's just being stubborn and childish -- well, give him a second chance, as you are doing now. If he stays clean -- then you BOTH win. YOU can stop asking him to bathe -- HE doesn't have to listen to "nagging" anymore and the subject can die a happy death.

PS: I don't think it is REALLY "nagging," what you are doing by asking him to bathe -- but he may SEE it that way. He just needs to understand that you have EVERYONE'S best interests at heart here and that you DO respect his individuality -- in return for that respect, HE needs to respect YOUR desire for a clean husband!

Why don't you two go out together and each buy a few new items of clothes for each other? This could be motivational for you guys -- new clothes, new look, new confidence, etc.

Good luck!

 
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