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Old 07-11-2005, 09:02 AM   #1
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tracerr77 HB User
Avoiding intimacy

I need a little bit of help here knowing what is ok and what is not.

My husband and I have been married for almost a year now. The more time goes on the less interested I am in any kind of intimacy. I really do not have a concrete reason to feel this way, and to be honest I have no idea what my problem is. In my previous marriage this was also an issue.

Lately when I am asked by my husband I seem to always have an excuse to avoid intimacy. I don't make an excuse on purpose, but I do feel like my reason for not wanting to have sex at the time is valid.

Recently he has started to get very upset with my behavior to the point that he spends days mad at me. He tells me that it is not ok for me to have this sexual phobia and that it is hurting our relationship. He tries to make me feel guilty about it in a million different ways.

Honestly the more he acts like this the less I want to be near him. When he is finished being mad at me he assumes that we can go run and have sex. I see it as the opposite, why should I reward his days of mean behavior at me with sex the minute he feels better. Perhaps if he spent a little while understanding me, I would be more willing to work with him.

I need help. Am I the one who is wrong and as a wife is it my duty to please my husband regardless of how it makes me feel.

 
Old 07-11-2005, 01:49 PM   #2
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Lance2 HB UserLance2 HB UserLance2 HB User
Re: Avoiding intimacy

Sounds like he's being a real jerk about it for sure....and no, it isn't your "wifely duty" to "reward" him....especially when he's acting that way. I'd never have any if I acted that way with my spouse. There certainly seems to be something going on here that is making sex "unattractive" to you and it is something for you to take a look it. Is it painful, do you enjoy it, is your husband not ensuring that you are "taken care of" with the intimacy, have you ever been abused or raped? Lots of questions that I don't want you to answer...but you should at least consider them in some form. If you truly think this is a phobia or there is some reason that you discover, please see a qualified counselor in sexual matters who can help you. As to your husband...take him along, it doesn't sound like he's being fair or understanding at all. Good luck!

 
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Old 07-11-2005, 03:13 PM   #3
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ScruffyGuy HB User
Re: Avoiding intimacy

While I do agree that no one is ever duty-bound and obligated to have sex at the whim of a partner, it is clear that this situation is extreme and doesn't fit into the "average" category of one person being "in the mood" or not.

I DO disagree that hubby is being a "jerk." MAYBE he is -- maybe he isn't. There's no details in this post that tell us EXACTLY what his behavior is, and quite frankly, the perception of this man that we are reading about is coming from his wife who, by her own admission, hasn't a clue what is going on inside HER own head -- so it is not wise to take her word for HIS behavior at face value alone.

I think there's certainly some validity to her statements, but...

Let's look at it from her husband's point of view:

He's married less than a year -- still in the "honeymoon" phase -- or at least what he had HOPED would be the "honeymoon" phase.

He gets no intimacy and as time goes by, her desire becomes less and less.

She makes excuses and admits freely that she has NO idea why she is doing this.

Hubby no doubt has questions -- but he gets NO answers.

He is left alone with his thoughts and emotions: "Am I unattractive? Is she frigid? Did I do something to her? Did I do anything in general? Do I deserve this? Am I bad in bed? Am I too fat, ugly, skinny, small, smelly -- whatever? Why can't she even at least communicate with me? What's the big secret here? I thought marriage included sex. I didn't agree to be celibate after marriage! I'm frustrated beyond belief -- not only sexually but mentally and emotionally, too. Ever time I try to talk to her about it, she blows me off and makes up an excuse. Why bother anymore? You know... I think I'll just get ANGRY about it instead. After all, there doesn't seem to be ANY way of getting through to her -- maybe if I give her the cold shoulder for a few days she'll see JUST how much this is upsetting me."

But, alas -- she does not.

Instead, she uses his own anger against him and creates yet ANOTHER excuse to avoid intimacy.

In HER mind, any attempt at intimacy is a direct violation of her personal "rights." Withholding sex gives her POWER in her relationship, even if this is not her primary motivation, it IS the end-result. SHE is in control now. She's got what HE wants -- and he's not going to get it!

So hubby gets even MORE angry when she uses his anger against him and withholds sex.

Now he REALLY has no clue what is going on. He EXPECTED at least SOME intimacy in his marriage -- and gets NONE at all. He's wondering why he married this woman. He's wondering if he made a HUGE mistake. He's wondering what in the world he's going to do. He can't just call his Mommy and start a conversation about this, can he? If he tells his friends, he'll be mocked. When he tells his wife -- she ignores his pleas for an answer. He's all alone and NOT just sexually. Mentally, he's spinning like mad looking for an answer but he knows that any compromise he suggests is going to be knocked down by his wife.

Lady -- you are going to end your marriage for sure if you do not make an effort to seek counseling.

I'm telling you like it is.

I also believe you KNOW this or you wouldn't have posted.

You have a history of this -- your previous marriage was the same.

Did your new husband know about this? Was this at least part of the reason why your first marriage failed? You somehow didn't mention these two important facts...

What you are doing is sublimating your own sexual fears and making this an issue of BLAME now. You are asking is hubby is wrong to be mad at you -- NO, he's not "wrong." He's frustrated beyond your comprehension. He is SO extremely disappointed you have no idea. His new wife, new marriage, only one year together -- and he is being forced to live a life of sexual frustration.

YES, he can handle it differently -- but to be honest, his behavior is normal, natural and COMPLETELY expected given the circumstances.

At the same time, it is pointless to blame YOURSELF, too. The honest truth is: YOU HAVE A PROBLEM. That does not mean you are "bad" or that you must be "blamed."

But you DO have a choice: seek qualified and professional help NOW and try to save your marriage -- or continue on with this charade and watch it all go down the tubes again.

Hubby's not a bad guy for being upset and angry. YOU are not a bad woman because you have a sexual problem. BOTH of you are responding UNFAIRLY, though. HE doesn't realize that anger will not solve this problem -- YOU are picking at straws looking for more and more excuses to distance yourself from your own sexual issues. NOT FAIR.

Fix it -- or forget it.

At most, I'd give the guy another year before he packs his bags and leaves.

WHAT do you WANT? Want to fix it? It's going to take a lot of EFFORT on your part. Want to forget it? Fine -- you can keep your sexual dysfunction -- but you can't expect or REQUIRE another human being to live with that. Again... NOT FAIR.

Please seek marriage and sexual counseling ASAP.

Good luck.

 
Old 07-11-2005, 04:22 PM   #4
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Pianoman1959 HB User
Avoiding intimacy

Avoiding intimacy is a one way ticket to divorce.

Last edited by Pianoman1959; 01-25-2006 at 05:42 PM. Reason: Reword

 
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