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Old 08-16-2005, 01:22 PM   #1
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Fear Of Oral Sex

Hey everyone, I'm 20 years old and I've been dating someone for 5 months this Saturday and I'm very happy with her and this is not a defining issue and certainly not anything I would ever consider ending our relationship over; but my girlfriend has an intense phobia of oral sex.
She said she only did it only a couple times with her first boyfriend and hated it. Just recently while we were intimate I asked her if she would try it- it was the perfect mood, the perfect setting, I'd just showered, I thought maybe it would be fine this time. She said yes and tried it, but stoped after barely ten seconds and said that she couldn't- I said okay and let it go but was dissapointed.

I know that some girls are more comfterable with it than others and I can understand why some may feel demeaned or just simply uncomfterable when their boyfriend is forceful about it- but I really don't feel that has been my attitude at all.

When she's tried it I haven't physically pressured her at all, held her head, ect and told her that I didn't even need to climax in her.
When I've asked her why it bothers her I've never gotten any answer more specific than "I just don't like it."

I've gone down on her a few times and I have some minor issues with pubic hair and taste in that area, but my focus has been her pleasure and have never said or shown any negativity while doing it. However she's not even very comfterable with me doing this, says it's never pleased her much anyway, and that since she's not doing it, I shouldn't have to either. And I sure don't enjoy if she doesn't, so I stopped trying.

She loves intercourse and I do as well, but I'd like to feel less inhibited with her and include oral sex- giving and receiving in our lovemaking.

She once said to me, "I don't like it and I shouldn't have to do it if I don't want to." I saw her point and it made me feel guilty and got me to shut up about it for a couple months. But I can't make myself forget about it and nearly every time we start to get intimate it crosses my mind.

Why does she have this fear of oral sex, I want to understand?
Is there anything I can do differently to make her more relaxed?
Or should I just shut up, take no as no, and respect her inhibitions?

I'm just looking for some answers, especially from any female members here that can relate. Thankyou.

 
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Old 08-16-2005, 01:52 PM   #2
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Cinemagic HB User
Re: Fear Of Oral Sex

I had a g/f just like that. She couldn't explain it and I didn't pressure her either to do it or explain it. She's not longer my g/f, but not because of that. Sorry I don't have answers, just sympathy and understanding.

 
Old 08-16-2005, 02:29 PM   #3
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Re: Fear Of Oral Sex

Quote:
Why does she have this fear of oral sex, I want to understand?
Hi guitaraddict. Welcome to the boards. It doesn't sound like she has a fear of oral. I can't read anything in your post that would indicate otherwise. Sounds like it's just a preference. She simply doesn't like it, for whatever reasons. Not everyone does.

Quote:
She once said to me, "I don't like it and I shouldn't have to do it if I don't want to." I saw her point and it made me feel guilty and got me to shut up about it for a couple months.
Believe her when she says she doesn't like it and doesn't want to do it. You've tried enough times.

Quote:
Or should I just shut up, take no as no, and respect her inhibitions?
Is she really 'inhibited' or does she just not like oral? Yes, you should take 'no' as 'no'.

I know it's hard when one partner has different sexual preferences than the other. I wish I could offer you some words of encouragement but I don't know of anything you could possibly do to make her like it.

 
Old 08-16-2005, 02:33 PM   #4
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Re: Fear Of Oral Sex

I just wanted to add one more thing. If it turns out that she actually is inhibited, there could be many reasons for that. Molestation, rape, moral beliefs, bad past experiences, jut to name a few. You didn't mention any of those but I thought I would just throw it out there.

Last edited by cookiepls; 08-16-2005 at 02:34 PM.

 
Old 08-16-2005, 04:50 PM   #5
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Re: Fear Of Oral Sex

So she's never liked it, no matter who she's been with, right? Well, at least you know it's nothing about you in particular that turns her off doing that. I don't know either if it's so much a fear of doing as much as just a disliking of it, that she'd just rather not do it. Some women like it and some don't. So it's basically either: 1) You concede and forget about it and accept the fact that you won't be getting that from her if you think you can be happy with that; 2) You continue trying to persuade her to do it and her probably getting resentful about your persistance; or 3) If it's really an important thing to you, break up with her and find someone who WILL do it. I wish you luck with this. It's almost impossible to convince someone to change his/her preferences.

Last edited by comeonnow; 07-16-2008 at 01:49 AM.

 
Old 08-16-2005, 06:58 PM   #6
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Re: Fear Of Oral Sex

Some girls just think it is gross. I can see the point, though I will perform oral sex on my partner. I don't mind doing it, I like making him happy, so its ok. There very well may be some underlying reason why, or it may just be that she just doesn't like it. It is probably because she is not particularly adventursome. I have a good friend like that - she just couldn't bring herself to perform oral sex. Her solution: learn the perfect hand job.

 
Old 08-16-2005, 08:33 PM   #7
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Re: Fear Of Oral Sex

First of all if a woman doesn't like giving oral sex or isn't sure about it do not hold their head. It can make them feel forced. Woman do not like to have their head pushed down either in an attempt to get us to give oral.

Second I do like to give oral sex to my husband but I like it to be my choice. Very early on in my sexual life I didn't care for it. The reason was due to trauma. I was kidnapped and sexually assaulted at the age of 4. Most boyfriends early in a relationship are not going to be told if we have been victimized. We have to feel very safe and loved to tell someone.

 
Old 08-17-2005, 10:15 AM   #8
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Re: Fear Of Oral Sex

I agree that it doesn't sound like a fear but a personal preference.
Looks like you lost the oral sex lottery, because you never know if your partner is going to (really) be into it or not (and not just pretending at the beginning).
You're in a tough situation. One thing I've heard/read/experienced is that practice and experience actually makes it easier to do, and she'll never get that if she just refuses. But there's NO WAY you can make her, pressure her, beg her, whatever. Maybe when she matures a bit? You can always hope...

 
Old 08-17-2005, 12:36 PM   #9
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guitaraddict4 HB User
Re: Fear Of Oral Sex

Well there’s a lot I’d like to respond to, but I want to start by saying thanks for your responses so far, it feels like I’ve gained a little more perspective on this.

“There’s worse things than having an unhappy sex life”

Well I do believe that’s true, even at 20, lol, thanks, but I will still aspire to better it for both of us. I enjoyed being with her long before we started having sex though.

“You're in a tough situation. One thing I've heard/read/experienced is that practice and experience actually makes it easier to do, and she'll never get that if she just refuses.”

Exactly, so I was hoping if she’d be willing to try it (for more than 10 seconds). Just like you said, most people have told me that it’s usually unpleasant at first, but gets easier and maybe even enjoyable- not that it’s ever physically enjoyable, it’s the enjoyment of pleasing the one you love.

“It is probably because she is not particularly adventuresome.”

Well this particular issue aside, that’s actually very true, from eating, to traveling, to conversing, and a variety of activities she’s only happy with the familiar with few exceptions, whereas I’ll try just about anything once, and if I hate it I’ll try it again just to make sure- total opposites. I didn’t like cunnilingus the first time I did it, but that wasn’t my focus, pleasing her was.

“I have a good friend like that - she just couldn't bring herself to perform oral sex. Her solution: learn the perfect hand job.”

Well to get good at even that constructive criticism is needed, but no matter how it’s phrased, she’ll take it negatively as straight criticism. So I’ve learned my lesson there. But it seems to me helpful communication like that is necessary to give your partner more pleasure because, to paraphrase Elaine on "Seinfeld," “How can I have the same expertise as people who OWN this equipment and have access to it twenty-four hours a day?”

“First of all if a woman doesn't like giving oral sex or isn't sure about it do not hold their head. It can make them feel forced. Woman do not like to have their head pushed down either in an attempt to get us to give oral.”

I know, I stated that I had never done that; and I wouldn’t start either.

“Second I do like to give oral sex to my husband but I like it to be my choice. Very early on in my sexual life I didn't care for it. The reason was due to trauma. I was kidnapped and sexually assaulted at the age of 4.”

I’m very sorry to hear that.

“Most boyfriends early in a relationship are not going to be told if we have been victimized. We have to feel very safe and loved to tell someone.”

That’s occurred to me, but I’m quite certain nothing like that has ever happened to her though, from all I’ve learned she’s lived happily and very well-protected- true I can’t be absolutely certain, but it’s not something I’d ever be comfortable asking especially with no grounds for it. I’ve really stressed that I want an open relationship with her and it feels like we can already share everything at this point.

“I agree that it doesn't sound like a fear but a personal preference.”

But this is a “preference,” like someone with arachnophobia “prefers” to cower from even harmless spiders or someone with acrophobia “prefers” not to be near thick, solid windows on tall buildings. And treatment for most phobias is graded exposure therapy.
But regardless of the terms chosen, I can understand what you all mean. Personally one sexual thing I am dead set against is engaging in anal sex. Though my distaste for it is extreme, I don’t consider it a phobia (irrational fear) because if someone asks me why, I can easily give my reasons- rationalize it. She apparently doesn’t know why she can’t perform oral sex and can’t rationalize it- that’s why I’ve thought of it as more of a phobia than a preference- she actually has coulrophobia (fear of clowns) too but I know the origin of that one- she saw the movie “IT” when she was young, lol not a good thing for children. And though I like the circus and all I think I can more easily do without it than a comfterable and fufilled sex life with my girlfriend. Looks like I rambled...

 
Old 08-17-2005, 01:24 PM   #10
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Re: Fear Of Oral Sex

I LOVE giving oral sex to my bf even though sometimes i think i could gag when i swallow I CONCENTRATE ON HIS FEELING AND KNOWING HE LOVES IT MAKES ME LOVE IT. i think you know its not "you" that makes her not want to do it, if she doesnt even like when you do it to her. that right there just says shes sexually shy and not willing to experiment ( and thats ok) i will tell you that it took me a while to want to do it to my bf too but the closer i felt to him and more attracted i became and trusted him then i decided i should atleast try. i think also that maybe she has a fear that youre more experienced and that she may not be doing it right. i thought that at one point too....you guys said you have only been going out 5 mths...theres plenty more time to learn about eachother. good luck i know youre frusterated but youre handeling it well!!! i think the closer you get the more she will give in just remmeber to not ask her in any way!! xoox

 
Old 08-17-2005, 02:54 PM   #11
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Re: Fear Of Oral Sex

I can probably rationalize the reasons why she doesn't like doing it.whether or not she admits it to herself,it probably does feel somewhat demeaning.Maybe it makes her feel more like a tool and feels like it makes her lose control.Does she seem like a very cautious person who has fear of losing control? You said she isn't adventurous at all.She most likely is inhibited do to fear,of the unknown,losing control,being looked at differently like in a dirty used way.Maybe she feels grossed out by it and that after it's all done and over you will look at her that way.This is the way I have felt about some sexual issues when I first started out and I've learned it really is a maturing process.5 months wasn't really a long time for me to completely come out of my shell and be more comfortable with a lot of different sex issues.It took me more like 10 months with my bf who I spent nearly everyday with.After a while maybe the 2 of you will be that comfortable with eachother and lose all inhibitions.Until then be pateint with her and try to get her to take a little control with things in general.It will help her in a lot more ways than one.Sometimes people can change but YOU can't make them change.

 
Old 08-20-2005, 03:24 AM   #12
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Re: Fear Of Oral Sex

Quote:
But this is a “preference,” like someone with arachnophobia “prefers” to cower from even harmless spiders or someone with acrophobia “prefers” not to be near thick, solid windows on tall buildings.
dude, you have to be kidding me. that sounded very ignorant if you ask me. someone with arachnophobia is afraid of spiders, they don't prefer to run as soon as they see one. i'm sort of afraid of spiders, and it's not my "preference", I'm just somewhat afraid of them, I don't prefer to be. I don't see how you can even relate the two together. she isn't afraid of oral sex, she just doesn't like it. it's like not liking a certain food. you don't like it, then you just don't like it. some people like it, some people don't. it doesn't sound like she's uncomfortable doing it to you, it sounds like she just doesn't enjoy it, and it's not something she is able to do.

Quote:
And treatment for most phobias is graded exposure therapy
but it's not a phobia, she doesn't enjoy doing it, and she doesn't need treatment.

Quote:
“You're in a tough situation. One thing I've heard/read/experienced is that practice and experience actually makes it easier to do, and she'll never get that if she just refuses.”
she doesn't want it. she doesn't want it to be "easier to do", she doesn't want to do it at all. the reason she doesn't like it is because it isn't something that she enjoys.

 
Old 08-24-2005, 07:53 AM   #13
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Re: Fear Of Oral Sex

Here's an idea that my wife and I practice. She was also afraid of doing it to me but it wasn't for the reason I had thought. We are very close and our communication is good. We talk about everything, especially our lovemaking.

She told me it wasn't the act, but the taste of the semen that turned her off, even the little bit of seepage that a man is going to ooze out before climax. I can certainly see why a woman wouldn't want to taste the stuff.

Our answer? We bought the thinnest condoms we could find. I put one on before she goes down on me and we have a wonderful time together. As a matter of fact, it is better because it takes me longer to climax and we both enjoy it. She's so thankful that we have found another mutually satisfying way of loving one another and our lovemaking has become more versatile which, in my opinion, is the backbone of a good sex life.

If we hadn't have talked about it and found an alternate way, we wouldn't have known. Maybe it still wouldn't be for her, but how do you know unless you tried or at least brought up the idea to her?

 
Old 08-24-2005, 10:15 AM   #14
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Re: Fear Of Oral Sex

Hi Guitaraddic4,
I understand your sexual feelings as far as wanting the sexual pleasure of oral sex with your partner,.... and her preference" is not oral sex both ways..thats to bad on your part and hers too respectively!

My g/f was and still is like that when we first started dateing, she would do oral on me / just like you it was only 10 seconds at the most and stop! and her excuse was "I just don't like doing that" so I told her thats ok, I don't have to have it/ altho she loves me to go down on her she loves it ...and she does feels guilty not going down on me, but I don't make her or try to make her feel guilty, because I enjoy giving her the oral pleasure and we both come to an agrement that we love each other and when you love each other you respect each other on anything anywhere anytime, me and my g/f have been togather 9 years and she still has not gone down on me, so see you can live without oral sex.....lol....me giving her oral and intercourse is enough satisfaction for me.....heck I may never know what it feels like to have oral perform on me....but I try not to let it get to me I just don't think about it much anymore....maybe you should do the same?
Good Luck!

Last edited by chevyman; 08-24-2005 at 10:19 AM.

 
Old 09-03-2005, 11:06 AM   #15
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Re: Fear Of Oral Sex

I can understand where you both are coming from. I don't HATE giving my husband a bj it's just that I don't have a deep throat and I gag (have you thought of that) and he's penis is rather large and I get a jaw ache because my mouth is opened so wide. I have always swallowed with him, and the taste isn't all that pleasureable and I gag, but I do it. I know that he wishes that I did it more often, he told me that I give him the best bj ever. I'm happy about that, but it's alot of work and I don't feel like doing it all that often.

 
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