not sure what I am
I just want to lay it all out here. I'm a 33yo male, who's never had a serious relationship with anyone, still a virgin, was sexually-abused by my older gay brother when I was 7 (10 year difference in our ages), and I've suffered from bouts of depression for as long as I can remember.
here's the deal. I notice and look at women all the time and will think and feel that they're sexy or pretty, etc. but the moment I think of ME being with these women (romantically, sexually, or in any manner)...there's just nothing there. there's like a void. in fact, it sometimes makes me feel pain in my heart or depressed. it also makes me feel like a wimp, like I'm not a "real man".
now, I never look at men that way. I mean I know a good-looking dude when I see one, you know, just normal standards of what is handsome, etc. BUT- there are times when I think about being close to a man. not just sexually, but as really close companions. doing things together, being close, even being affectionate and flirty. this type of fantasy and thinking makes me feel good...but also confused, guilty, and not very masculine.
whenever I fantasize and masturbate, women are normally involved. but it's never ME having sex with these women, it's always some faceless, anonymous man. but I do get off on this fantasy. perhaps I connect with the women in these fantasies, and their passive position (so to speak)?
The thing is I don't know if I'm gay, straight, or bi? I tell myself that there is nothing black & white about human sexuality, but this doesn't make me any feel better. it certainly doesn't give me any clarity or strength.
I'm not sure if I should look into a psychologist? can they really help in this area?