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Old 11-07-2005, 05:09 PM   #1
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Am I a "healthy hetereosexual male," or not so much? Confused?

Please help me better understand my sexuality.

1. I was "molested" by my babysitter when I was 5 or 6 years old. I remember that moment as if it happened yesterday. She was just goofing around cuz she saw that whenever she touched my "pee-pee," I would go crazy because it tickled so much. She tickled me "there" one time and I felt like a wild deer, desperately trying to escape from a room full of hungry wolves... but I was laughing hysterically as she kept grabbing at my "wee-wee." Even though I didn't like it or hate it, I do remember it as madness, I just wanted to escape that situation in the absolute worst way.

2. I've had sex with almost 10 women, but they were all 1-night stands. Never had sex with the same woman twice until I met my current girlfriend (3 times).

3. I don't achieve a full-blown erection in the few instances when a woman is performing oral sex on me. In fact, I've never climaxed from oral sex (less than a half dozen opportunities). Not sure if it's because oral sex is still a new concept to me or if it's because I'm self-conscious of my smaller physical "quality," or if it's because I'm just not fully "turned on" with a woman's lips wrapped around my you-know-what.

4. I achieve an erection (at 50-85% strength) with ease whenever I'm with my girlfriend (i.e., lying next to her in bed). Almost all the time. But I'm rarely "rock-hard/throbbing." In fact, after the couple times I had sex with my girlfriend, when I "came" with the condom on, she asked why it didn't feel like my penis was pumping as I ejaculated. And after hand-jobs, she asked why I was only "kinda hard" instead of "ROCK hard." And why my "discharge" is so small in volume. And I usually don't try to initiate "Round 2" upon our completion of "Round 1."

5. With all that said, I'm usually the one who wants to engage in sexual activity. Her little warm body feels good when it's wrapped around mine.

6. She stopped having sex with me after our third instance (about a year ago) due to her "fear" of "getting pregnant." I've long suspected it was because I'm "too small," or because I don't get "hard enough," or because I last for about 2 minutes, or because I really didn't know how to please a woman. We havent had sex since then, and I really don't push the issue because even though I want to have sex with her, I know it would probably result in more embarrassment/frustration than it would in sexual/emotional gratification. I do know I love her, for what it's worth.

7. When we engage in physical acts of affection, I oftentimes display inconsistent physical responses to the sexual situation. Even though I have a semi-erection, my mind is sometimes distracted. We don't get very sexual very often, and in the rare instances when we do, I sometimes find myself aimlessly looking at the television while I'm rubbing her clitoris in the moment of passion. When she's on top of me and completely naked with her warm reproductive unit lined up on top of mine, I may not even have much of a an erection at all. But more than half the time, I do have a solid erection. That seems like a strange reaction given the rare opportunities when I'm invited to engage in the very activities I've always desired.

8. I don't have sexual dreams.

9. At the same time, I do feel as though I've become much more skilled at pleasing her physically in the last year that we've been rounding all the bases without touching home plate (we don't do oral, either). When I touch her breasts, well, when I first got with her, it was like, "okay, I'm touching a nipple, that's pretty cool I guess." But now when I touch her nipple, I feel the "energy" behind her nipple, as an extremely soft spot, like I understand the electricty that the sensation triggers in her body. In a way, I feel it too... like we're two people combined into one. But not all the time.

10. For my age (mid-20's), I am pretty inexperienced in relationships and sexual encounters with the ladies.

11. I think this is beause I was by far the latest bloomer in my HS class (the last guy to grow grass on the field). So I always had to be the goofy kid in HS who never spent quality time in a quality relationship.

12. Never spent much time in the guy's locker room, so when I first discovered porn on the internet (a couple years ago), I felt "strange" seeing the guys in porn (maybe because it was unusual to see, maybe not?). I never masurbated to it or anything, but I felt a puzzling uncomfortable curiousity to look.
It didnt take long to get over the newness of seeing guys in porn, so whenever I do searches for porn now, I don't really look at any of the pictures with guys (although I do envy the areas where they excel and where I "fall short"). But when I look for porn on the internet these days, I sometimes become obsessed with finding animated .gifs of cartoon characters, like the Flintstones and the Jetsons. Is that weird???

13. 3 or 4 years ago, I was sleeping in the same vacation room with a very attractive girl and her male friend one night... well, in the middle of the night, he quietly snuck over to my bed and put his hand up my leg. Breathing heavy, I pretended I was asleep. But my mind was racing, and I allowed him to move his hand up near my crotch area. He eventually got there and noticed that my shaft was hard (it was extremely hard and throbbing like never before). I didn't like the fact that I was responding that way, so I pretended to "wake up" and acted like I didn't know what was going on, and asked him why he moved.

14. I engaged in a sexual encounter with my girlfriend last night. It was the first time we had done that in a good long while. It was pretty satisfying, but there was still a moment when she was on top of me and completely naked with her genitalia lined up on top of mine, and I wasn't responding much. But there were also moments when we humped with my penis lined up on her vagina (we were both wearing underwear), and it kinda felt almost like we were having sex, and I was very much into it. Still, I never achieved a full-blown 100% rock-hard erection... at most, I probably achieved a 90% erection, and that ranged from 35-90% throughout this episode. When we were done, I was happy that we both climaxed, but after it was over, I didn't feel any closer to her. I didn't feel like we bonded. I didn't feel like we had a breakthrough of any type. We held each other, which was nice, but I don't think the sensation was similar to what most people feel after they have a sexual experience when both people climax.



If my sexual preference isn't what I "hope" it is, I don't want to waste these precious ripe years that my girlfriend is in. Can somebody please help me understand why I'm not "rock-hard" and "throbbing" when I'm with her, and why I WAS rock-hard and throbbing in that encounter with the... I can't even say it, but with the "other person?"
For the life of me, I hope I'm not living a lie? I don't think I am, but I'm puzzled and confused about my responses to these situations with my girlfriend and I'm wondering if I'll ever have "normal" responses with her??? I don't know whether or not this is normal, whether or not I'm being paranoid, whether or not whatever...???
Please help me, please offer any appropriate thoughts or reflections that you can based on your personal experiences in life. Thank you so very much in advance.

- D.T.

Last edited by moderator2; 11-07-2005 at 05:33 PM. Reason: please do not post multiple boards - follow your topic here

 
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Old 11-07-2005, 06:51 PM   #2
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Re: Am I a "healthy hetereosexual male," or not so much? Confused?

I'm not giving you any assurance because it's what you want to hear. I will tell you my honest opinions. I sense that your are an honest, straightforward man. You are not gay. You are not bisexual, or if you are, it's way down around 5-10%, way less than the average man or woman. What I am basing this on, is your reaction to the guy feeling your leg. Who, straight or gay, wouldn't get erect with a hand running up your thigh in the middle of the night? You did not allow him to go any further. I think many, or even most men, would have let him service them. I think the reason that you got more erect in that situation were:
1. it was a novelty.
2. it carried no baggage. it was something you had never encountered before, and you didn't have preconceived thoughts and feelings about it.

I have a feeling that the reason you are not so erect with your girlfriend, is that some part of you is still the little boy trying desperately to escape the babysitter. I think that is why you avoided intimacy, and just had one night stands for so long. It is also likely why there is so much distance between you and your girl.
The premature ejaculation can be worked. Get some information on the net, and practice, both alone, and with your girl. I'm sure she will be happy to help.
The cartoons, I think, are a safe place for you. You don't have to worry, because they are not real...and not a threat. Why you and your girl don't like oral, I don't know. It is just not in some people's orientation. It might be worth revisiting later, but it doesn't seem important now. The babysitter stuff is *very* important. A good therapist could be of great help. This is a heavy load for someone to carry. I know. I have had some very serious stuff ease up greatly with help.
I wish you the best, and hope things get better for you soon.

 
Old 11-07-2005, 07:12 PM   #3
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Re: Am I a "healthy hetereosexual male," or not so much? Confused?



u had a great insightful response, of which i am greatly appreciative of, but i havent the ability to truly comprehend your information with the way i feel... i am so in-and-out-of-touch with my emotions...

thank you

hopefully i can look at this later and better understand how it relates to me

but again, thank u so much for your words

 
Old 11-07-2005, 07:34 PM   #4
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Re: Am I a "healthy hetereosexual male," or not so much? Confused?

I have to say that I was with a guy who did not get fully erect alot and it was not satisfying to me at all. I did like this guy alot and was attracted to him and wanted to be intimate but the thought of wasting my self on him sexually felt more like a chore and it was fake. Sexually I was not pleased. I don't think you are gay by your response either. I think you need to play a bit more. Watch more porn with your girl, watch one's with girls on girls, guys on guys and girls on guys...get some toys...Your in your 20's and if your comfortable with your girl then you should experiment and find that sexual part in you. I personally think you are uncomfortable still sexually. Almost like you don't really know what to do. There are lots of toys that can please her that you can use on her and maybe by seeing her reaction you may get that "full" erection that your looking for.
Your baby sitter has serious issues but it's a thing of the past. You know this woman loves you and is in it for the long haul. Good luck finding that sexual man in you.

 
Old 11-07-2005, 07:35 PM   #5
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Re: Am I a "healthy hetereosexual male," or not so much? Confused?

OH and for god's sakes......TURN OFF THE TV!!

 
Old 11-07-2005, 08:27 PM   #6
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Re: Am I a "healthy hetereosexual male," or not so much? Confused?

Quote:
I'm not giving you any assurance because it's what you want to hear. I will tell you my honest opinions. I sense that your are an honest, straightforward man.
Much appreciated. More than you know, my friend.


Quote:
You are not gay. You are not bisexual, or if you are, it's way down around 5-10%, way less than the average man or woman.
I feel this is my deep-seeded/seated fear. Since I'm in a totally open and honest relationship, I'm not sure if I should be sharing these concerns with my girlfriend. I feel like if I do, it will haunt our relationship for as long as we're together. I feel like if I don't, then it will be unfounded worry and concern under the bridge, but I'd risk compromising a big chunk of her trust in me, not to mention, the "ripest" period of her relationship-forming life.


Quote:
What I am basing this on, is your reaction to the guy feeling your leg. Who, straight or gay, wouldn't get erect with a hand running up your thigh in the middle of the night? You did not allow him to go any further.
But I DID allow him to feel my penis, and he noticed how it was erect, and he went up and down my shaft for 30 seconds before I cut it off. I feel so dirty and ashamed! Knowing how it was a GUY'S hand, isn't there something VERY WRONG with me???

Quote:
I think many, or even most men, would have let him service them.
You really think this is true? My girlfriend has referenced a study called "the Kinsey Report," which suggested back in the 50's or 60's that 50%+ of married men had secret homosexual relationships on the side. I'm sure that number was blown way out of proportion (I mean, c'mon, 50%+??? no way, right?). But I still feel like I must be wired wrong because I was rock-hard and throbbing and breathing real heavy and apparently enjoying this very disgusting weird and unusual confrontation with another MALE (yech!). I havent ever been that rock-hard around her, so that's gotta be a problem, right? I'm scared about this. And I'll have to tell her about this eventually, right??? What's the best way to do this without sounding off every alarm in her mind/heart/soul???? I'm still freaked out about that entire incident.


Quote:
I think the reason that you got more erect in that situation were:
1. it was a novelty.
2. it carried no baggage. it was something you had never encountered before, and you didn't have preconceived thoughts and feelings about it.
As much as I'd LOVE to believe these rationalizations, it's impossible for me to view them as nothing more than exactly that -- rationalizations.

Quote:
I have a feeling that the reason you are not so erect with your girlfriend, is that some part of you is still the little boy trying desperately to escape the babysitter. I think that is why you avoided intimacy, and just had one night stands for so long. It is also likely why there is so much distance between you and your girl.
Perhaps you are correct on this point. I've never really felt like this episode has been a 2 thousand-pound gorilla riding on my back, but maybe deep down, subconsciously, maybe it has some merit? I really have no idea? I'd love to write it off to the babysitter, but I fear that I'm not affected nearly as badly as I feel I should be, that this incident really hasn't played any role in my development as a person today. It's almost impossible to know, who's to say? And if it was true, how would I overcome it? I'm not really looking for an answer to an extremely complex potential problem like that, just talking out loud.


Quote:
The premature ejaculation can be worked. Get some information on the net, and practice, both alone, and with your girl. I'm sure she will be happy to help.
Agreed. I made good progress when we were more regular in our sexual encounters. But since that stopped a few months ago, I've reverted to masturbating to achieve the end result, and I can do that real fast. Now I gotta break myself out of that habit and try to train myself to last longer.


Quote:
The cartoons, I think, are a safe place for you. You don't have to worry, because they are not real...and not a threat.
You don't think that's weird at all?


Quote:
Why you and your girl don't like oral, I don't know. It is just not in some people's orientation. It might be worth revisiting later, but it doesn't seem important now.
Hope you're right, but it's strange that I'm a guy who doesn't get off on blowjobs. That's supposed to be our favorite, and I've always failed to "rise" to the occasion.


Quote:
The babysitter stuff is *very* important. A good therapist could be of great help. This is a heavy load for someone to carry. I know. I have had some very serious stuff ease up greatly with help.
Maybe you're right. Maybe I've underestimated the significance of this episode in my life. It'd be one thing if the babysitter was actually hot. Then I could use that as "material" today. *bad joke*

Quote:
I wish you the best, and hope things get better for you soon.
Thank you, once again, so much, for taking the time out of your day to help me better understand myself.

 
Old 11-07-2005, 09:09 PM   #7
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Re: Am I a "healthy hetereosexual male," or not so much? Confused?

I just have to question this....Do you think that the situation with the guy you may have been turned on by the situation more than the fact that it was a guy. Maybe because it was a bit of a thrill for you with someone else in the room or that it was so secretive and forbidden.....I really don't think you are gay but just enjoyed the thrill....who doesn't. But I can't tell you what your prefrences are you are the only one that knows!

 
Old 11-08-2005, 06:53 AM   #8
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Re: Am I a "healthy hetereosexual male," or not so much? Confused?

The Kinsey report was the first attempt to get scientifically based information on human sexuality from interviews. If anything, that large a percentage of men with some homosexual tendencies is lower than reality. I can't imagine men making up imaginary homosexual encounters, and passing them off as real. I can imagine men with real homosexual encounters failing to mention them. Take a second, and reverse the sexes. How many women admit a little attraction to the same sex? It is not nearly so taboo.
Any man, straight, gay, or otherwise, would likely have a rock hard erection if anyone, male or female, was running their hand over their thigh and penis. Does this sound like a rationalization, or the physics of male sexuality to you? My guess is that under 10% of men would not get rock hard under those circumstances. You feel dirty about it, because you are straight, and it wasn't all that pleasurable. There was nothing innately dirty about it. You were both young men exploring a part of your sexuality.
For you, it was very brief, and not to your liking. That is valuble information. You learned the lesson, now it is time to let it go. Is there something very wrong with you because you let a man touch your penis? There isn't a single man around you who hasn't tried something like it. You may see them hiding it, but you won't see most of them feeling guilty about it. It's a normal part of growing up, and finding out who you are.
Talking with your girl might be an excellent place to start. You have all this fear built up inside you. I had these fears, too. I had been sexually assaulted by a priest when I was a boy. My girl had her own molestations to deal with. Communication has only helped. You think you're alone, but you are not. She may have some history, too.
The thing which haunts a relationship is more likely to be the unspoken fear, than the expressed fear. Expressed fears ease the pain and isolation, unspoken fears intensify them.
About the oral sex... some guys get off on breasts. Other men get off on legs, breasts do nothing for them. Most men love to receive oral sex. Some don't care for it. Big deal. If it's not your favorite, something else is. That is part of the great pagent of life. The cartoons..hey, there may be a little bit of warpage there. I wouldn't worry about it. When you start addressing some of the other issues, it will likely fade away. With the faster masturbation, that is leading to a problem. You are training your body to react quickly. This is not a good thing, if you are battling premature ejaculation. Read up on the net about how to delay orgasm when you are by yourself.
About the babysitter affecting other parts of you, you can bet on it. Somewhere inside, that boy is screaming, and needs to be comforted. With help, patience, and persistence, you can learn how.
I hope this helps.

 
Old 11-08-2005, 07:45 AM   #9
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Re: Am I a "healthy hetereosexual male," or not so much? Confused?

If you recall, you were erect when your babysitter played with your penis. You weren't enjoying the experience in the least, but you were erect. Same thing in the scenario with the male friend.

Many people assume an erection to mean that the male is sexually aroused. But as owners of penises, we know they get erect for any number of differing reasons, so of which are unknown.

Sometimes they just pop up for no reason othern than a stretch and some fresh air.

Fear can cause an erection... fear of getting an erection can cause an erection (which can happen when we're standing in front of a group speaking or when we're using the showers at the gym.)

Men who get molested get erections, either from excitement or the prostate stimulation. It doesn't mean they are enjoying the experience, it's just the body's repsonse to stimulus.

By the same token, a male stroking your penis will produce pleasureable sensations. Regardless of your feelings toward the situation, his touch will trigger the nerve receptors in your penis and they will produce sensations of pleasure and will probably trigger the erection mechansims. This does not mean that you are into guys. It does mean your penis is working.

It's a safe bet that you have some anxieties about women, brought on by the experiences with your baby sitter. Perhaps at some level, you are, in fact, more comfortable with men because a man never violated you. This does NOT mean you are attracted to men sexually... you just may be more trusting and therefore comfortable around men, therefore, your erections are stronger as you are not nervous.

The best thing for you to do is see a therapist.. .there's nothing wrong at all about getting some professional advice.

 
Old 11-10-2005, 07:10 AM   #10
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Re: Am I a "healthy hetereosexual male," or not so much? Confused?

Don't worry about the cartoons. The fact that there are many to be found on the internet proves that you're in no way alone in this

As for the oral sex: my boyfriend takes ages to climax when I'm giving him a blow job (that being said, he does enjoy blow jobs). It's not because a stereotypical male loves blow jobs that you should as well. Everybody's different.

Everybody can get distracted during sex, I do too sometimes That's why turning off the tv, etc. is always a good idea

I don't think you're gay. I think the surprise of what that guy did, combined with the above explanation (penises can get erect even when your mind doesn't want it) explains how hard ou got. I think you are (unconsciously) scared of getting close and intimate with your girlfriend, and you need to deal with your "baggage" concerning the babysitter.

Just relax, I get the feeling you are worrying too much Don't overanalyse, you will see things that aren't there.

 
Old 11-12-2005, 05:17 AM   #11
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Re: Am I a "healthy hetereosexual male," or not so much? Confused?

Get your hormones tested. Total testosterone, freee testosterone, FSH, LH, & Estradiol E2.

If the testosterone is too low, and/or the estrogen is too high then that can cause your problem. Both can be corrected by prescription.

Anti-depressants & hair growth meds can also cause the same problem by messing up the hormone balance.

 
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