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Old 11-15-2005, 01:46 PM   #1
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Unhappy DH masterbates more than he has sex with me, is this a problem?

I'm 26 and DH is 33. I'm pretty sexualky active but he isn't quite as active as me. I've discovered he has a liking to masterbation, ALOT. And even before we met, he always favored masterbation over sex, Or so It seemed.
We have a great relationship all together. But sometimes I feel threatened by the porn. We could go days without having sex, and the second I leave the house, he's on websites masterbating. Should this be something to really be concerned about? we do still have sex, sometimes 3 times a week, sometimes skip a week. He always had a fetish for webcams, adn though I'm aware he isn't chatting with girls he looks at, I feel aakward because he's still pleasuring himself to the visual of someone else, which makes me feel like I can't do it right, or I'm not enough, though he assures me I'm very good at what I do. He has different fetishes, and I do all of them with him to help things along, even the ones I don't too much care for, but I do with no problem because I enjoy his level of happiness.
The problem is, everytime I leave him at home alone, I'm deathly afraid for some reason that he is masterbating on the computer. He did indeed leave the webcams alone for me, knowing how much it bothered me, but he still downloads "webcam" type porn. I think my biggest problem is he is ready and willing to masterbate to porn on the net at any time, but not have sex with me..

what on earth should I do? any suggestion or explinations for all this?
I'm well aware he will never give up the porn. And maybe if I could have sex a little more I wouldn't feel so uptight about it.
He explained he's not really a "sexual" person, as much as I am, but when it comes to the porn it seems that statement is false, so is it me?

 
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Old 11-15-2005, 03:49 PM   #2
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Re: DH masterbates more than he has sex with me, is this a problem?

If he were not a sexual person, he wouldn't go to the computer to look at porn the minute you leave. I believe you have to have a chat with him and let him know very seriously that this can't go on, he has to know that your very disturbed about this and realize that you must be first for him and not porn.

 
Old 11-15-2005, 04:03 PM   #3
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Re: DH masterbates more than he has sex with me, is this a problem?

you must be my long lost twin!!!!!! haha..... i was seriously struggling a lot with this just 2-3 weeks ago.

my boyfriend and i live in the same dormitory. we've been dating for over 9 months, but have been having sex for close to 3 years. we've never done it with any frequency, but about a month ago, it felt like we hadn't had sex in weeks. i will give him oral as often as it feels appropriate, but he never seems to [want to?] return the favor. he masturbates routinely, like 1-2 times per day. i feel like i'm in competition with his hands!!!!

there were some other relationship issues i was struggling with him, so i finally had a talk with him, and he was the one to bring up the fact that we weren't very sexually active, but happy otherwise. i told him i felt like i was competing with his hands, and that he'd rather masturbate than have sex. he said he could have sex 3 times in a day and still masturbate- i think the conclusion we came to is that we've gotten into the pattern of being too tired when we're together to do anything. this still doesn't change the fact that he still masturbates to porn and we aren't as active as i would like to be (and i think he feels the same.) he's always masturbated a lot, even before we officially started dating.

the only real thing you can do is talk it over with him. let him know you feel like you're competing with his hands/porn stars. as far as him claiming to not be very sexual, maybe he's self-conscious- do you orgasm when you have sex with him? some guys get really discouraged when they can't fully pleasure their woman (even though it could feel amazing) and then therefore withdraw from the act. i've read other responses to my posts on this subject, suggesting to watch porn together, or maybe even make some!! as everyone keeps saying, guys are very "visual creatures." i think some just really like their porn, and since he's been like this before yet met him, then just leave it at that- he has your LOVE, not theirs

 
Old 11-15-2005, 05:49 PM   #4
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Talking Re: DH masterbates more than he has sex with me, is this a problem?

Alot of women suffer from this, I read about it everywhere, and alot of what you said your lover says, he has actually said the same EXACT thing to me today. Men will never stop looking at porn, and I don't mind it, I look at it from time to time too. But at the same time, I'm also ready to please him sexually whenever. This statement is very true..Men need visual and women need touching to complete sex, usually. I guess think of it this way,
It could be so much more worse, he could be sexually exploring with other women instead of just masterbating..

Idea: We should start masterbasting more and denying them sex when wanted.

 
Old 11-20-2005, 09:42 AM   #5
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Re: DH masterbates more than he has sex with me, is this a problem?

Hi There, You are right as far as this being a some what common problem in alot of marriages. I also think that you will recieve alot of different opinions as many woman feel differently about the issue at hand! (lol no pun intended)

I have been with my hubby for 15 1/2 years and i can say that i have NEVER caught him masturbating. He does NOT look at porn on the internet either. As a matter of fact, porn on the internet disgusts him. We had this guy who was working for us and hubby would stop by his house in the morning to pick him up for work, every morning my hubby went in this guy would be looking at porn on the comp while drinking his coffee. My hubby would get so mad!!!!!

I am soooo glad that my hubby feels that way. I just COULD NOT and WOULD NOT put up with him watching porn as well as i have told him that if he decides to masturbate i had better never catch him doing it!!!!!!!!

I am just one of those woman that feels that he married me and that he shouldnt be looking at other woman in that way. Let alone to be looking at them and be sexually attracted and arroused enough to masturbate!

It obviously bothers you, so i would definately have a talk with him about it. You are his wife and he should understand that it bothers you, as well as he should take your feelings into consideration.

Just my 2 cents worth!
Valley

 
Old 12-17-2005, 09:28 PM   #6
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Re: DH masterbates more than he has sex with me, is this a problem?

The masturbating and porn has gotten to be epedemic. I have heard many stories along this line. Wives that can not get their husband away from the porn on the computers. You do have a serious problem and it will not get better unless you get professional help. Cyber Sex is getting to be one of the biggest and worst destroyers of men and marriages there is.

If he loves you he will go with you and seek professional conseling. That is what it will take. It will not be easy and he will need a lot but they get so caught up in the masturbating while watching the girls it is as if he is having sex with her and that is what he is doing. Get on top of it before it is too late. Much luck.

 
Old 12-17-2005, 10:02 PM   #7
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Re: DH masterbates more than he has sex with me, is this a problem?

this is incredible you guys must be single. it all changes when you marry ,the women hardly ever complains that they don't get enough so the guys turn to porn because of that.
confused i would say that you should find out what particular porn he is watching (threesome , anal, etc) that will give you a hint of what he is into and sounds like he really feels like he can't tell you what he wants (something you might of said to him during a conversation).
example
my friend and his girl had a conversation one day after work and she told him that her girlfriend from work boyfriend asked her to put her finger into an area while giving him oral and she replied to him "ISN'T THAT DISGUSTING" we'll as it turns out my buddy really enjoys that and he will never be able to get his girl to do that because of little shame and thought that she will think he is gay or something.
valleygirl
EVERYMAN LOOKS AT PORN
if they say it's disgusting they are lying or they have something in there closet

JUST MY TWO CENTS
no trying to be disrespect just honest
from a guys point of view

 
Old 12-17-2005, 11:05 PM   #8
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Re: DH masterbates more than he has sex with me, is this a problem?

how do you look? are you over weight/to skinny? (no pun intended).
that should not matter but I think it does to a man like your DH.

I'm sure he loves you, but theres something wrong with him masterbateing so much.
its natural for a guy to masterbate they can be in control of the feel and it does feel good to have that grip of the hand applying presure to the penis that a vagina can not/But its not natural he do it so much, it also makes waves in a marrige...bout all you can do is tell him to stop masterbating all toghather and let you satisfy his sexual needs before it wrecks your marrige.....I'm guilty of masterbating but only when she is away for a long time 2 weeks or more...but I prefer the real deal if I had my choice but sometimes we have to compromise.

porn does nothing for me.... but a beautiful real woman can turn me on/and at times have fantatsys....and masterbate...but I don't let her know it

he must look at porn and have his fantasy/and when you do have intercourse with him ....> if it takes him a long time to finish after your finished then the masterbation has all but took over his sexual life.
thats not a good thing dear.
tell him to stop masterbating before it ruins your marrige.

 
Old 12-18-2005, 08:59 AM   #9
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SomewhatConfusd, as to your problem, there is something definitely wrong with your guy or your relationship because it is not good when a guy would rather masturbate to porn over having sex with a partner. (Note the distinction there, mattysoftball.)

I don't know if I could stay with a guy who would chose porn over me. Sure, I know peole look, and there are many circumstances where I think there's absolutely nothing wrong with it, but when it comes to the point where the partner is put second, that's where I personally would draw the line.

Last edited by Mod-S4; 12-18-2005 at 10:03 AM. Reason: Off topic.

 
Old 12-18-2005, 09:40 PM   #10
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Note: Thisby

obviously you live in a dream world and one of those people "mine would never do that" we'll let me tell you he or she most likely has and if not will soon.
bottom line she has to tell him straight out. what's wrong there is more to it then meets the eye.
hell who knows he might be gay, seen that one happen also.
THISBY YOU NEED TO BE A LITTLE MORE OPEN MINDED

 
Old 12-19-2005, 09:03 AM   #11
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Re: Note: Thisby

Quote:
Originally Posted by mattysoftball
obviously you live in a dream world and one of those people "mine would never do that" we'll let me tell you he or she most likely has and if not will soon.
bottom line she has to tell him straight out. what's wrong there is more to it then meets the eye.
hell who knows he might be gay, seen that one happen also.
THISBY YOU NEED TO BE A LITTLE MORE OPEN MINDED
And you need to read my post again, lol. I'm thinking you might still be missing the distinction. Nowhere in my post did I say anything about "mine would never do that". My bf often mastubates to porn and I have no problem with it. The distinction is when it's preferred over sex with a partner. THAT would be crossing my line. And that is what the original poster is having a problem with.

Your suggestion that she find out what kind of porn he's watching is a good one, if it leads her to find out if there's something specific he likes that he isn't getting. But if that has nothing to do with it, and he'd rather just masturbate than have sex with her, then she really has a problem with him.

Somewhatconfused, are you still following this thread?

 
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