Hard time finding wife attractive to have sex - Sexual Health - General Message Board

eat2na · 01-02-2006, 09:11 AM

We have been married for 13 years. I am 39 and she is 35. We have a great time together and take good care of our two girls but since about the first 2 or 3 years we were together I totally lost interest in sex. My wife is 5'6 and weights 213 pounds. I am also about 30 pounds overweight. At the start of the relashionship it was good since she was only 21 and even though she was still around 180 pounds I didn't mind it too much. But now at 35 with two breastfed kids I am actually quite disturbed and saddened when she takes her clothes off that all I want to do is leave the room. This has put a big stress on the relashionship. We went to a counselor and it was of very little help. We only have sex about once or twice a year but she wants it about once or twice a week. But I also wonder is there is something wrong with me because I never really get what all the fuzz about sex is. As long as I masturbate once or twice a month I am good. I feel like I have the woman role in this marriage because she wants sex all the time and I am the one with a "headache". I went to the doctors and my testosterone level is normal. I see my wife more like a mother figure or a sister or a nun and thinking about sex with her would be as bizarre and wrong as thinking about having sex with a family member. The counselor told me to just stay married no matter what and that is what I want to do. He also said to fake liking sex and tell her how sexy she is even though I feel the opposite in my head. This works as I am able to get an erection but I never orgasm when we have sex and the whole time I am thinking and hoping she has her orgasm quickly so I can stop feeling miserable.
I should also mention that I was a virgin when we got married. I still think that even though she is overweight the weight is not the main problem because how about when we both be in our 50's or 60's what about then. We can loose weight but we can't stop the aging process. I also look at porn but it has very little effect. I can look at porn and movies but no erection unless I manually stimulate myself. I have also never liked getting or giving oral sex. All this have left my wife totally depressed and lonely even though I say is me who has the problem. Also something else. I am constantly looking at other women every time I go out and desiring them but they are usually between 17-26 and very fit and comparing them to my wife.

Halls · 01-02-2006, 09:55 AM

First, stop looking at porn!!

Second, pray often with your wife together

Third, schedule sex like an appointment 2x a week and do it regardless of how you feel.

Fourth, start working out and lose weight, and ask your wife to join you in excersising. Take walks together, join a health club together that has a day care to put your kids into. Go together a couple nights a week and weekends and walk on treadmills together, do weights together. Anything, but do it together.

My husband is a personal fitness trainer at a very elite hotel/resort and has trained many celebrities. My husband is in perfect shape and health. I on the other hand have to work very hard to stay fit and I am not in the best shape. I have had the 2 kids, breastfed, and gained some pounds, and yes my husband saw me as a mother as well. So, I know a bit of what I am talking about in this area.

If you spend more time making yourself have sex the more you will want it and grow closer to your wife. The more time you pray together the more you grow closer in your friendship it will boost your sexual intimacy as well lots!

Stop looking at the porn! All it does is give you a view of what you want your wife to look like rather than enjoying who she is! It isn't fair to you or your wife for you to be seeking something else regardless of if you get off on it or not.

Getting fit together will increase your sex drives, make you both look better and become more attractive together, and grow together. This is a must!

Love is a choice, not a feeling. You chose your wife, for better or worse. And sometimes worse is overweight and not in great shape. You think she sees you as the man she married? Probably not, but she loves you. Love her back and do the things I suggested and I promise you things will get better.

kaff · 01-02-2006, 12:45 PM

I would also stop masturbating. You must be getting sexual urges if you need to masturbate.
Make love to your wife when you get a sexual urge.

Halls · 01-02-2006, 04:45 PM

GREAT IDEA as well.

neflin · 01-02-2006, 06:41 PM

Boy do you have a problem. I wish I could say pray together but I think you could pray until the cows come home and still be miserable.

You are overweight and she is overweight. Yet you do not look at yourself at being overweight but only her. For about 35 of the 47 years we have been married I have been overweight. Started out at 127 5' 8" and hotter than the devil. Yet he stayed with me. And loved me. At one time I got up to 245 pounds and he stayed. I weighed a lot and he gained some but not as much as I did. He was my lover, football captain and best friend. Our sex life was great. Oh as great as it could be with three kids and an occasional quickie but he still loved me to death. Sometime I wonder why when he was so good looking but he stayed. Your wife sounds like she loves you so much and is a wonderful sexual woman. Probably ten times better than the fake women you are seeing on your porn. They are not women. They are machines. Showing their fake bodies in any position you desire to do one thing and that is to turn you on. They are accomplishing it too.

As for me I went on that diet. Lost nearly 75 pounds so far. I am 68 but do not tell him that. I am his child bride. Do not ever say that when you get older that you do not have half of the sexual powers or are going to wonder what you look like. That is a slap in the face to me and every woman around. He stayed with me because he loved me and I adore him and always will. Now it is up to you to get your wife on that diet. Talk to her. Have her get down to 160 pounds. That would be a weight that she could handle and not make her think she could never do it. How do you know that when she gets down to a sexy weight again and looks good that you would not be turned on? How many men would trade places with you to have a wife as wanting as yours is of you? Oh, and what is wrong with oral sex. Even though you may not like it should not she be given a chance.

You have set your mind so definitely on what you want and what you think and are thinking nothing of anyone but yourself on this. The grass is always greener on the other side. You just have no idea of the pleasures in life that you are missing by closing your mind to so much and being so sure that you do not love her. The more porn you watch the worse it is getting.

I do not think a consoler can help you. The only one that can help you is YOU.