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Old 01-06-2006, 10:11 PM   #1
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jody1983 HB User
is it even worth waiting these days?

hi im 22 male and im a virgin ive decided to wait for the right one but i have those days when i think maybe i shouldnt be so pickey you know get it if you can its getting tough and i feel like giving in everybody regrets their first anyways what should i do?

 
Old 01-07-2006, 10:35 AM   #2
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Re: is it even worth waiting these days?

You should do it before you get married but not with a random person, at least wait until you have a girlfriend you care about.

 
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Old 01-07-2006, 11:10 AM   #3
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Re: is it even worth waiting these days?

Quote:
Originally Posted by jody1983
hi im 22 male and im a virgin ive decided to wait for the right one but i have those days when i think maybe i shouldnt be so pickey you know get it if you can its getting tough and i feel like giving in everybody regrets their first anyways what should i do?
You should do what YOU want to do. Don't worry about what society or anyone else thinks you should you. It's a very personal decision.

 
Old 01-10-2006, 06:39 PM   #4
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Re: is it even worth waiting these days?

READ ALL OF MY POST..I THINK YOU WILL FIND MY INFO. MOST VALUABLE.


why the should you have sex before you get married hoyt?
I was going to wait to have sex before marriage but with my highschool boyfriend that I dated for 4 years we ended up having sex. ...after we broke up I decided to wait again till I married.
I am 21 and have been married for over a year now.
My husband was a virgin when we married.
Our religion played a part in our decision to wait.
I am a very sexual person and so it was not easy to wait...as with my husband. But we did it. he obviously better than I.

And the fact that we didn't want to have sex till marriage was not because we were unattractive.... to the contrary, we are very blessed physically.
If I could take anything back in my life I would take back having had sex before I met my husband.
I wish he had been the only one I had given myself to. He, in a way feels betrayed that I did not wait for him as he did I.
I can't help but at times compare one partner to the other...I know I wouldn't want him to do that. I have visions and memories in my mind from my first partner, that I wish I could erase. I can't.

Also without the bonds of marriage how can there be a security there...there can't, isn't.

One big negative of having sex before marriage I would like to go into is... after a breakup where the couple was sexually intimate....the two will be incredibly, emotionally devastated.

Why?

Because when two people engage in sexual intercourse a chemical is released from the body called (Oxytocin) that is meant to bond a husband and wife together....in the bounds of marriage...now-a-days sex is had so casually. Breakups happen..and they are so hard..one or both people are left to feel empty inside ... they feel as though they have lost a part of themselves.the pain seems never ending..that couple might even get back together again... only to breakup yet again...a seeming, never ending cycle..they think it is love....IT IS NOT.. Love is often mistook for Attachment..because of that chemical that was released .... And that bond that was created between the two,lasts up to two years after the last time that couple engaged in intercourse.
A big mess huh? and because people in intimate relationships don't know this,they mistake that empty feeling of attachment,for love...thus continuing that never ending cycle....

I just think how it would suck for some permiscuous guys and girls, especially girls, how empty they feel inside to have multiple one night stands ..to give themselves over and over, to release that chemical and then to not have it recipricated. How sad that is...and is hapenning more and more as time goes on.

In closing there are many other reasons why it might be a good thing to wait to have sex ie..std's being another big one...1 in 4 people this year will become infected with an STD!!!! but for the reason I stated alone up there. Might that one be enough?I know for me it would be...just to spare myself from that pain..at least in a marriage where there are those bounds, the commitment between the two..there is a less likely chance to go though all that mess that I listed.

Last edited by pradasweets1983; 01-13-2006 at 09:56 PM.

 
Old 01-13-2006, 04:23 AM   #5
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Re: is it even worth waiting these days?

In my honest opinion, do whatever feels right to you. My theory is like another posters. I think people should have sex before marriage, its not uncommon to be completely sexual incompatible with someone, and that puts a ton of unwaited stress on a relationship.

But ultimately the choice is yours, and your the one whose going to have to live with it.

 
Old 01-13-2006, 09:50 PM   #6
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Re: is it even worth waiting these days?

Jenna, obviously if you are going to marry a person, you will have some intimate talks about sex many times before you marry right? ... And so in those talks, you are going to bring up what your expectations are for sex after you marry, as sex is a VERY important part of a marriage.
Besides, usually you marry a person because there is a certain sexual chemistry about them that mixes with yours. Right?

My husband and I waited to have sex before I got married like I said in my other post and my sex life is great..we are very compatiable sexually. I know that that is not the case in every relationship..but most of those people that have incompatiable sex drives, had sex before they married and then lost their sex drive for one other reason or another.

So please not to be rude, but maybe give a better reason for not waiting.
And also everyone has their own opinion on the matter. This world has changed drastically on what is considered right and wrong...Sex is such a "CASUAL" matter these days and taken so lightly.
It's sad.
A person has to make his or her own decision, and do what is in their best interest. Bottom line.
----Charly

P.S. With everyone having sex before they marry nowadays where is the honeymoon period? Ok, from experience, the first year of marriage can be an adjustment, so what do you do without that honeymoon phase at the beginning,where you have that newness of sex to bring you closer when you hit those hard moments. What then? Don't you think that could be why couples are getting divorced their first year of marriage more and more, because they don't have that glue to hold them together when they start to come apart. Just something to think about.

 
Old 01-13-2006, 10:32 PM   #7
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Re: is it even worth waiting these days?

With me you are asking the wrong person. I have been married over 47 of the most wonderful years of my life. My husband is still my best friend and my lover.

For me the waiting was real hard. But I was born in a different time and a different place. I knew my husband had many women before me but we waited. No, I will put it different. I waited. If it would have been for him it would have been different. At least I think so. We never really put that to the test. He knew what my feelings were and never pressed the issue. Oh, even though those were the older days we knew the facts of life with the best of them. We loved and we loved well. But saying this our daughter was born 9 months and 19 days after we married.

He often told me that I was the first woman that ever made him wait. That does make me happy as I had a doctor as well as a Russian interpeter who asked me to marry them. But I loved him so much and still do.

I would make him wait all over again...........at least I think so. Whatever your decision it will be the right one. Have a great life. I have..

 
Old 01-14-2006, 01:00 AM   #8
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Re: is it even worth waiting these days?

It is a very personal decision, and I don't think anyone can really tell you what to do. No one can decide for you if it's worth waiting. I think it's wonderful that at least you are willing to wait for love, if not for marriage. But there are no guarantees that you won't get hurt or that you won't hurt someone else. I'm going on 41 and am still a virgin, and was almost 31 when I first kissed someone, mainly by choice, I guess. I just never met any men that struck my fancy that liked me back. Anyway, I fell in love, and though we didn't ever actually do the "deed" but we were physically intimate. I thought he cared about me, but later found out he didn't, and it was something I just was never able to heal from, it scarred and altered me forever. So I know it's a hard line to walk. On the one hand I'm angry and frustrated so much of the time that I never got to know love at all, that I was hurt, that I would rather have never trusted anyone and gladly have forgone the experience because it just wasn't worth the pain it caused, but if the only way I will ever have intimacy and physical pleasure with someone is to have it outside the confines of love or holy wedlock, then which do I choose? It's hard, something I struggle with every day of my life, but now that I'm at an age where it's more likely I will be killed by a bolt of lightening or a terrorist than it is for me to get married, If I wait for love, then I will never have sex. But you know, even though I'm not really ok with that, for me it's better than having empty, hollow casual sex with someone I don't love and who I know doesn't love me and feel awful and empty and hollow afterward. If that's what has been planned for me, then I accept it. The act alone, for me, isn't worth compromising my values. Lovers bore, lovers leave, and who and what you are, and what you stand for, is really all you have at the end of the day. They're the only things that can't be taken away from you without your permission.

Last edited by Hiya; 01-14-2006 at 01:02 AM.

 
Old 01-14-2006, 09:30 AM   #9
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Re: is it even worth waiting these days?

Beautifully said people!

 
Old 01-18-2006, 06:25 PM   #10
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Re: is it even worth waiting these days?

Hiya ,


You really do not know how much I like reading posts with people who have something very rare today...called "convictions", and more importantlty "character".

I am a married 49 year old male (26 years, first marriage) and know many of the ups and downs of marriage. What I will tell you is this///There is a difference between just "having sex" and experiencing something called "intimacy". Intimacy is the "bond" that can make one weather those storms in life that undoubtabley will come in marriage. In time some couples can become so intimate that in later years they can actually begin to look like one another physically. Perhaps I can mentiion this here but "faith" in a higher power is also a type of "glue" that bonds in an intimate way and this leads into a more joyful sexual relationship as well.

I just simply cannot imagine couples having sex long before they marry. I mean, what is a honeymoon then? What honeymoon?
If the forum would allow it one could get into a real theological discussion on this topic...


Hiya, perhaps you are in the wrong place at the wrong time...try considering going to some churches somewhere...perhaps you will meet someone there who you will like.

But as to the original poster...Is it worth waiting for? Yes...definately.


Good luck !

Last edited by Stumper; 01-18-2006 at 06:32 PM.

 
Old 01-21-2006, 02:25 AM   #11
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Re: is it even worth waiting these days?

Quote:
Originally Posted by pradasweets1983
Jenna, obviously if you are going to marry a person, you will have some intimate talks about sex many times before you marry right? ... And so in those talks, you are going to bring up what your expectations are for sex after you marry, as sex is a VERY important part of a marriage. Besides, usually you marry a person because there is a certain sexual chemistry about them that mixes with yours. Right? My husband and I waited to have sex before I got married like I said in my other post and my sex life is great..we are very compatiable sexually. I know that that is not the case in every relationship..but most of those people that have incompatiable sex drives, had sex before they married and then lost their sex drive for one other reason or another. So please not to be rude, but maybe give a better reason for not waiting. And also everyone has their own opinion on the matter. This world has changed drastically on what is considered right and wrong...Sex is such a "CASUAL" matter these days and taken so lightly. It's sad. A person has to make his or her own decision, and do what is in their best interest. Bottom line.
----Charly

P.S. With everyone having sex before they marry nowadays where is the honeymoon period? Ok, from experience, the first year of marriage can be an adjustment, so what do you do without that honeymoon phase at the beginning,where you have that newness of sex to bring you closer when you hit those hard moments. What then? Don't you think that could be why couples are getting divorced their first year of marriage more and more, because they don't have that glue to hold them together when they start to come apart. Just something to think about.
I think it's great that this individual has had a positive experience waiting for sex until marriage, but I don't think it's generally a good idea nor does it make much sense to extrapolate this one experience and assume it will hold true for many other people. Most educated people, for instance, aren't nearly ready to settle down for good with one person at such a young age, as being older and having a lot more dating and life experience makes a marriage more likely to last. I hope that the above poster's marriage lasts, but only time will tell, and I think that not having sex before marriage is probably more likely to break a couple up in the long run than keep them together. The curiousity factor alone eventually drives many people to want to experiment with more than one partner, which I think is an extremely common, normal, and healthy urge. But even if someone doesn't agree that it's beneficial to sleep with multiple partners before choosing a spouse, it's undeniable that the vast majority of people aren't naturally monogamous, and that even the most happily married couples experience attraction to other people at times throughout their relationships. Also, few people are sexually skilled after having only one partner, not to mention seldom mature and fortunate enough to find someone they can be happy with for a lifetime on one of their first few attempts at relationships.

To me, it's a pretty silly idea that sex is this sacred thing that only married people should share--that's actually a societal construct that relatively few societies have adopted, and in all that did, infidelity and sex outside marriage was incredibly common, just like in modern American society. The drive to have sex is one of the most primal instincts we have, and nothing about it is limited to marriage...plus, sex is by far the most awesome, pleasurable experience humans can have, so to me it seems totally ludicrous to want to restrict it, especially since there is no guarantee that anyone will even meet someone they want to marry. As long as people are honest, responsible, and careful, the idea that sex outside marriage is somehow bad or immoral seems ridiculous to me, and many people agree in terms of what they do, if not what they claim and preach. I don't want to get married, though I do want to have kids, and I think it would be horrible to have denied myself sex because of this, just like it would be horrible for those who never marry to
never experience the best thing about life.

To the original poster, my advice is that it's really admirable and great that you want to wait and make your first time be with someone special. I wouldn't settle for less, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with holding out and waiting for longer than most people. But I also believe that you'd be doing yourself a disservice if you avoid sex until you are sure that you have found the one or especially if you wait until marriage. In the first case, every good relationship produces such thoughts in its participants, especially when it is their first serious love, as it sounds like would be the case for you, but in reality, no one can be sure that their love will last until it actually plays out in real time. As for waiting until marriage, I think it's a really unhealthy and artificial idea, as is the notion that there is anything desirable or noble about maintaining one's virginity. That presumes that there is something bad or wrong about sex, which is simply untrue...besides, many people are increasingly feeling like marriage is an outdated institution and choose not to get involved, which doesn't bar them from forming families and permanent romantic partnerships. So I would wait as long as you feel is right, but I also wouldn't hold back once you meet a woman with whom you want to be intimate...if you wait for someone you truly care about it, I highly doubt that you will regret having slept with her, though ultimately you can't control how things work out.

Also, I think the poster above has absolutely no foundation for claiming that most married couples who are unsatisfied with each other sexually had premarital sexÖI think common sense and logic dictates that in fact, the opposite is much more likely to be true. If a couple who intends on marrying doesnít have sex before they tie the knot, theyíre a lot more likely to realize only once itís too late that they arenít sexually compatible, whether itís in terms of how often they want it, the degree of sexual chemistry between them, what positions they enjoy, how kinky they like to get, and even if they are a good physical fit for each other. Itís a huge gamble to get married to someone before you know for sure that you will have a good sex life with them, and from the stories we hear here, it doesnít seem like one that is at all likely to pay off. When marriages fail so often nowadays, I highly doubt it has ANYTHING to do with premarital sex; itís just that most relationships arenít designed to last forever, and anyway, I think divorce would have been a lot more common when couples didnít regularly have sex before marriage if women were financially independent back then and thus able to leave unhappy marriages. Again, to me it just seems like a really forced, artificial ideal that sex should be confined to marriage, and I find it impossible to understand why people think that casual sex or a sexual relationship that doesnít lead to marriage is sad, wrong, or immoral in any way. I just couldnít disagree more with people who take the view of Pradasweets, but thatís merely my personal view, and unlike most people who want to restrict sex to married couples, I donít think that anyone else should live according to my personal beliefs, but instead make whatever choices feel natural and right to them without letting outsiders dictate their decisions. Good luck and best wishes, regardless of what you decide to do in the future!

 
Old 01-21-2006, 07:50 PM   #12
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Re: is it even worth waiting these days?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Veronica_Mars
I think it's great that this individual has had a positive experience waiting for sex until marriage, but I don't think it's generally a good idea nor does it make much sense to extrapolate this one experience and assume it will hold true for many other people. Most educated people, for instance, aren't nearly ready to settle down for good with one person at such a young age, as being older and having a lot more dating and life experience makes a marriage more likely to last. I hope that the above poster's marriage lasts, but only time will tell, and I think that not having sex before marriage is probably more likely to break a couple up in the long run than keep them together. The curiousity factor alone eventually drives many people to want to experiment with more than one partner, which I think is an extremely common, normal, and healthy urge. But even if someone doesn't agree that it's beneficial to sleep with multiple partners before choosing a spouse, it's undeniable that the vast majority of people aren't naturally monogamous, and that even the most happily married couples experience attraction to other people at times throughout their relationships. Also, few people are sexually skilled after having only one partner, not to mention seldom mature and fortunate enough to find someone they can be happy with for a lifetime on one of their first few attempts at relationships.

To me, it's a pretty silly idea that sex is this sacred thing that only married people should share--that's actually a societal construct that relatively few societies have adopted, and in all that did, infidelity and sex outside marriage was incredibly common, just like in modern American society. The drive to have sex is one of the most primal instincts we have, and nothing about it is limited to marriage...plus, sex is by far the most awesome, pleasurable experience humans can have, so to me it seems totally ludicrous to want to restrict it, especially since there is no guarantee that anyone will even meet someone they want to marry. As long as people are honest, responsible, and careful, the idea that sex outside marriage is somehow bad or immoral seems ridiculous to me, and many people agree in terms of what they do, if not what they claim and preach. I don't want to get married, though I do want to have kids, and I think it would be horrible to have denied myself sex because of this, just like it would be horrible for those who never marry to
never experience the best thing about life.

To the original poster, my advice is that it's really admirable and great that you want to wait and make your first time be with someone special. I wouldn't settle for less, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with holding out and waiting for longer than most people. But I also believe that you'd be doing yourself a disservice if you avoid sex until you are sure that you have found the one or especially if you wait until marriage. In the first case, every good relationship produces such thoughts in its participants, especially when it is their first serious love, as it sounds like would be the case for you, but in reality, no one can be sure that their love will last until it actually plays out in real time. As for waiting until marriage, I think it's a really unhealthy and artificial idea, as is the notion that there is anything desirable or noble about maintaining one's virginity. That presumes that there is something bad or wrong about sex, which is simply untrue...besides, many people are increasingly feeling like marriage is an outdated institution and choose not to get involved, which doesn't bar them from forming families and permanent romantic partnerships. So I would wait as long as you feel is right, but I also wouldn't hold back once you meet a woman with whom you want to be intimate...if you wait for someone you truly care about it, I highly doubt that you will regret having slept with her, though ultimately you can't control how things work out.

Also, I think the poster above has absolutely no foundation for claiming that most married couples who are unsatisfied with each other sexually had premarital sex…I think common sense and logic dictates that in fact, the opposite is much more likely to be true. If a couple who intends on marrying doesn’t have sex before they tie the knot, they’re a lot more likely to realize only once it’s too late that they aren’t sexually compatible, whether it’s in terms of how often they want it, the degree of sexual chemistry between them, what positions they enjoy, how kinky they like to get, and even if they are a good physical fit for each other. It’s a huge gamble to get married to someone before you know for sure that you will have a good sex life with them, and from the stories we hear here, it doesn’t seem like one that is at all likely to pay off. When marriages fail so often nowadays, I highly doubt it has ANYTHING to do with premarital sex; it’s just that most relationships aren’t designed to last forever, and anyway, I think divorce would have been a lot more common when couples didn’t regularly have sex before marriage if women were financially independent back then and thus able to leave unhappy marriages. Again, to me it just seems like a really forced, artificial ideal that sex should be confined to marriage, and I find it impossible to understand why people think that casual sex or a sexual relationship that doesn’t lead to marriage is sad, wrong, or immoral in any way. I just couldn’t disagree more with people who take the view of Pradasweets, but that’s merely my personal view, and unlike most people who want to restrict sex to married couples, I don’t think that anyone else should live according to my personal beliefs, but instead make whatever choices feel natural and right to them without letting outsiders dictate their decisions. Good luck and best wishes, regardless of what you decide to do in the future!



Veronica,

I think that you have to admit that it takes a great deal of fortitude and courage for the original poster to consider waiting until marriage especially in todays world, wouldn't you?

Our parents, probably most of them practiced monogomy long before we were born and our society has not suffered at all, for that matter it grew. They built this great country, procreated and produced an entire generation with monogomy, sanctity, and absence of STD's and things like Aids for they did not need to worry of such things.
To that they deserve great tribute and success, wouldn't you think?
What have we done in comparison by choosing to participate in sex outside of marriage?

I think the original poster has, and I hope makes a very wise decision for I personally, at least, feel that sex is worth waiting for and more importantly the one that you will love for the rest of your life.

 
Old 01-21-2006, 08:48 PM   #13
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Re: is it even worth waiting these days?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Veronica_Mars
, sex is by far the most awesome, pleasurable experience humans can have, so to me it seems totally ludicrous to want to restrict it, especially since there is no guarantee that anyone will even meet someone they want to marry. As long as people are honest, responsible, and careful, the idea that sex outside marriage is somehow bad or immoral seems ridiculous to me, and many people agree in terms of what they do, if not what they claim and preach. I don't want to get married, though I do want to have kids, and I think it would be horrible to have denied myself sex because of this, just like it would be horrible for those who never marry to
never experience the best thing about life.
Without a doubt, this is one of the biggest pitfalls of waiting till a serious relationship or marriage. I cry myself to sleep every night because I have never had and most likely will never have this experience. But, when I really think about it, how much of a "choice" is it, really? Although I've never had intercourse, I've been physically intimate with two men, one I loved very much and whom I thought was going to be my husband and the father of my children someday. The other was an experiment that I tried in an effort to get over the first man and "move on" as they say, and I cried in the middle of it and felt awful afterward. I could choose to have premarital sex with someone I didn't love or expect to marry, but I can't choose to fully enjoy it, I can't choose to not allow my heart to break and feel hollow and empty. The only thing I can choose is whether the physical pleasure of the act with someone I don't really love and who doesn't really love me, is worth the emotional hell I experience afterward. I think it's how we each individually process the experience, which is why I started out my first post on this thread saying I don't think anyone can tell you what to do regarding this very private, personal, individual decision, but I hope we've all given the original poster food for thought.

 
Old 01-22-2006, 10:52 AM   #14
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Re: is it even worth waiting these days?

Quote:
Originally Posted by jody1983
hi im 22 male and im a virgin ive decided to wait for the right one but i have those days when i think maybe i shouldnt be so pickey you know get it if you can its getting tough and i feel like giving in everybody regrets their first anyways what should i do?
There will always be people who are glad they waited and people who regret it, the same as there will be people who didn't wait, and are either glad about it or regret it. There is no way you will know what's going to happen in your future, things that will influence how you look back on your first time.

My only word of caution is that if you are waiting for the right one, and you are expecting to find someone who has also waited, the older you get, the less likely it becomes that you will find someone in the same boat. I'm only pointing this out in case it really matters to you that they also be a virgin.

Also, your post implies that you have only 2 choices, wait for "the right one" or throw it away to any girl who agrees. Why not just with someone you're going out with, whom you like, but aren't sure she's the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with? Someone you still respect and actually like?

(btw, it isn't fair to say "everybody regrets their first anyway". I'm sure there are many who don't. I don't, even though he wasn't "mr right".)

 
Old 01-22-2006, 04:11 PM   #15
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Re: is it even worth waiting these days?

Quote:
Originally Posted by JennaLynnK
...its not uncommon to be completely sexual incompatible with someone, and that puts a ton of unwaited stress on a relationship.

.
Actually, it is more common for couples to have steamy, exciting sex before marriage and find out two years later that they have become polar opposites on the question of sex in their marriage. It is well established that using premarital sexual compatibility as a future indicator of married sexual compatibility is not sound.

Married sexual compatibility is primarily a factor of degrees of happiness and love in the relationship in general. Premarital sexual happiness is fueled by chemistry and lust.

 
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