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Old 01-27-2006, 10:35 PM   #1
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Honest question.. Re: older male virgins

I first posted I was a virgin over a year ago.... Now 26 and still a virgin.

I've heard people say that being an older virgin can be commendable... I've heard others say that it's not a big deal.

Why is it that I find this hard to believe? Wouldn't a woman want to be with a guy, that had at least 'some' experience in bed? I mean c'mon what would be the point of being with someone, who's clueless as clueless gets from a sexual standpoint?

My question is as follows.. is being a virgin at this age 'really' nothing to be ashamed of?

Hell I don't know it might be my extreme depression that I simply can't shake (and to make matters worse I was wanting to get involved with therapy, but it won't happen... my roommate got a better job out of town and I can't afford to pay rent and utilities myself and then pay for therapy... yay for feeling hopeless!) May be any number of other things, but I'm so close to accepting my virginity, that it's not even funny.

Do you know how much that hurts to even think about?

You constantly hear about this wonderful thing between two people.. can't walk in the magazine section of a grocery store... can't watch movies... can't watch tv, can't do much anything, without this constant reminder of what you 'can't' have take place, but everyone else seems to have little to no problem with.

Heck could be the fact that I lack social skills.. either alone, or in tandem with the afermentioned extreme depression... doesn't really matter in the long run and the last thing I want to do is sound like a broken record (IE: I've talked about this on here ad nauseum)

Either way I'm screwed and I feel it's naive for me to pretend a girl won't care I'm still a virgin... the notable exception might be the religious type that 'saved' herself. but I'm athiest.. so there goes that!

I feel like just breaking down and crying. Granted this isn't the 'lone' issue... I've got many issues, that again I'm stuck with not being able to afford therapy.... but this is a biggie and eats at me each and every day of my life.

It's to the point that I feel vindictive and hate filled, toward those that 'are' capable of relationships and 'do' have semi regular sex lives. I don't even have to know the person, and hate them by default.. for having what I crave and that's not right.

I suppose the sooner I accept my situation the better and while I apolgize for being long winded, by the same token I'm frustrated... confused... and most importantly hurt, to the point of not knowing what to do.

On another note I recently watched the "40 year old virgin" encouraging it would be, if it were based on realism.... as it stands it's crap in that regard.

No way no how is there a woman who would accept a 40 year old virgin and again I doubt there's any non ultra relgious girls, that would accept a 26 year old virgin... and ultra relgious types are out, based on compatibility alone

Last edited by SomeRandomDude; 01-27-2006 at 10:41 PM.

 
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Old 01-27-2006, 11:07 PM   #2
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Re: Honest question.. Re: older male virgins

I don't think it's anything to be ashamed of. I saved myself for marriage, due to religion and because I just think that's the right thing to do (though my husband was not and I don't judge others who feel differently about this). My spouse didn't mind that I was a virgin...I think he actually thought of it as a positive.

I think if you know the girl really well first then she won't care if you are inexperienced. I agree that a lot of women might think that it's odd, but I don't think it would be a big deal if the women likes you. It's probably something I would not bring up when you first get to know someone, but once you get to know the person, I really think that it won't matter.

I'm curious as to what your issues are and the cause of your depression...Maybe if you get this resolved, you will feel better about yourself and you won't be as worried about your status. I would think that having depression might make everything (including your virginity) seem much worse to you than it actually is. If you get your issues in check, you probably will be better able to realize that most women won't judge you for being a virgin, (and those who do, you probably don't want to have anything to do with them anyway).

Well, this is just my humble opinion. Hope this helps

 
Old 01-27-2006, 11:16 PM   #3
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Re: Honest question.. Re: older male virgins

Wish I could say what caused my depression, to be truthful though.... I don't know!

Just something I've dealt with for most of my life. I'm not a confident person, think of myself as being hideous in fact... am horriibly shy and self esteem is non existent.

Wish I could seek therapy, as it might help me to understand my feelings, but again can't afford it. No roommate to help shoulder the load= no therapy simple as that.

I guess I could hope to come across an open minded girl like you eventually, though I would be lying, if I said that I don't feel less and less hopeful of ever finding someone at all.... let alone someone understanding of my situation, by the day.


As for your personal situation I understand where you're coming from, though by the same token I don't feel females who are older virgins, are looked at the same way as males... at least not typically.

One of the many double standards in this world (and to be fair they go both ways.... females have alot of unfair balances themselves) I think if an older female virgin were to talk to some of her female friends about her issue, she would get care and understanding and thus it might help her through it.

If a male were to mention the same thing to his group of guy friends, he would be likely be laughed at and taunted... "haha you're a virgin? What kind of loser are you?" and that sort of thing is only the tip of the iceberg...

simply one of the many difference between the sexes and in large part why I've never mentioned my virginity to my roommate or any other guys I might know, even though it would help to be able to talk about it with someone

Quote:
Originally Posted by nancy30
I don't think it's anything to be ashamed of. I saved myself for marriage, due to religion and because I just think that's the right thing to do (though my husband was not and I don't judge others who feel differently about this). My spouse didn't mind that I was a virgin...I think he actually thought of it as a positive.

I think if you know the girl really well first then she won't care if you are inexperienced. I agree that a lot of women might think that it's odd, but I don't think it would be a big deal if the women likes you. It's probably something I would not bring up when you first get to know someone, but once you get to know the person, I really think that it won't matter.

I'm curious as to what your issues are and the cause of your depression...Maybe if you get this resolved, you will feel better about yourself and you won't be as worried about your status. I would think that having depression might make everything (including your virginity) seem much worse to you than it actually is. If you get your issues in check, you probably will be better able to realize that most women won't judge you for being a virgin, (and those who do, you probably don't want to have anything to do with them anyway).

Well, this is just my humble opinion. Hope this helps

Last edited by SomeRandomDude; 01-27-2006 at 11:29 PM.

 
Old 01-28-2006, 01:03 AM   #4
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Re: Honest question.. Re: older male virgins

I do feel your pain. I'm a 40 year old female virgin and deal with a lot of the same things you mention, but just a few points:
I really don't think 26 is that old, at least not compared to me. Even though I do believe in God and all, I wouldn't really classify myself as "ultra" religious, and I would not be put off by the fact that someone was a virgin if he was a really great guy in all other respects. In fact, it would be a very big selling point because I'd know he wasn't a dog or player, I'd be more inclined to trust him and believe he could be faithful, and I wouldn't have to worry about the hundreds of sexually transmitted diseases out there, some of which are incurable, and one of which is fatal. I really don't believe a woman would turn away a really great guy just because of his lack of sexual experience. There are things a woman can teach. Andeven if a guy does have "experience," everyone's different, and there is a learning curve with every new lover you have anyway.

Chin up. It doesn't have to be the end of everything. It hurts, and it sucks, but it won't necessarily always be this way.

 
Old 01-28-2006, 04:09 PM   #5
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Re: Honest question.. Re: older male virgins

While most women would find it unusual to find a male virgin of your age, I don't think that many would decide to break up with you for that reason. Sure, a few women are out there looking for one night stands and if they find you are a virgin they might possibly decline to have sex as they want some fun from an experienced guy, but most will be thrilled to be a guy's first, I would think.

So, I think you are making a big deal out of it. Society makes sex seem more than what it really is, I think, and it leads to a lot of frustration and even ruined lives. If you really think that having sex once will change your life, go to Reno and visit a legal brothel. If you find that idea nonsense, then so is the idea that having sex will make you a better or even different person.

The bigger problem might simply be that you have not been able to find a girl to date and socialize with. That is really the bigger issue I think.

 
Old 01-29-2006, 04:15 AM   #6
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Re: Honest question.. Re: older male virgins

We were all virgins at one time

When your time comes with the woman that you have fallen for,everything will work out fine

Sex is like riding a bike
You have those butterflies and fears

But practice practice practice

Builds your confidense

Maybe waiting is a good thing,


Good Luck to you

 
Old 01-29-2006, 05:17 AM   #7
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Re: Honest question.. Re: older male virgins

Hey there SRD,

Is there any way you can investigate therapy options that are offered for free or reduced rates, perhaps at neighborhood clinics? At the very least, why not call a free or low cost health clinic in your area and ask them if they know of any therapy options that are available for less than the usual cost. There are a lot more of these sort of services out there than most people realize; it's just a matter of finding out exactly what is available where and how to get started with an initial appointment. I suffer from chronic pain and have seen dozens of the best doctors in the nation over the past several years trying to find an effective treatment, but the best medical care I've gotten hands down, every time, is at my local Planned Parenthood, where I choose to get my birth control and take care of my sexual health. They charge significantly reduced rates for those with lower incomes, and they also recommend a variety of other medical facilities in the area that do the same. I would be really surprised if there isn't some free or cheap counseling available in your area unless you live in a really small town, and often, the medical professionals who donate their time are especially skilled, so the quality of care is unlikely to suffer just because you don't have to pay as much for therapy. It's worth a phone call or two to see if you can find any mental health resources for those without much money...please don't give up on yourself and resign yourself to being miserable and lonely, without getting the help you need and take back control over your anxiety and depression.

As far as being a virgin goes, you are still quite young, and most women aren't going to hold this against you unless they are really insecure, repressed, and/or uptight about sex. Women with little sexual experience will be happy that you don't pose a risk of transmitting STDs or that you're so experienced that you won't find them satisfying, and women with lots of sexual experience (like me) are knowledgeable, confident, and skillful enough that they can teach any partner to please them. Hiya is right that every new couple goes through a learning curve in bed, so all that really matters is that you have an open mind, are willing to speak up to communicate your needs, desires, and questions, and don't act judgmental or repressed. Sex is all about letting go, being free, and indulging passion, and as long as you are open to all of the pleasurable possibilities it presents, I have no doubt that you can learn to become a talented lover who pleases your partner considerably. For guys, it's most important to realize that every woman is different and encourage her to teach you what she likes rather than assuming you know already because of porn or past experience. Your virginity will actually help you keep an open mind and want to learn, which are great qualities that all women will appreciate in a partner, not to mention that it is likely to make women feel especially safe and comfortable in bed with you and extra willing to open up to you about how you can best please her sexually. Most guys your age aren't that great in bed unless they've been lucky enough to have very skillful teachers in their past, but this is rare, and otherwise, you are not at all far behind many men in their twenties on the sexual learning curve.

Effort, enthusiasm, and an eagerness to experiment and unselfishly try and satisfy your partner count for SOOO much more than experience, which a lot of girls find shady or risky anyway. I really don't think that your virginity will cause problems for you, either with girls who are virgins or close to it themselves or with more experienced women, who are wise enough to understand that each new partner will benefit from some general coaching and encouragement. My first few serious, long term boyfriends were all virgins when we first slept together even though I was not, and after the first few times we had sex, they had already learned more than enough to fully satisfy me sexually. I actually found it kind of a turn on that they were virgins and blank slates for me to teach everything I've learned through the years and through considerable experimentation so they will be able to please me and have a great foundation for pleasing any ladies they set their sights on in the future. So to recap, being a virgin isn't weird, abnormal, or a turnoff in the view of any woman who doesn't have major issues and hangups about sex, and in fact, for most women, it will actually be endearing and make them want to pay you special attention and give you extra affection.

The tricky part is not making a big deal out of it when you announce your virginity--you don't want to make it seem like you're really worried about it or that you think it's a big deal, and you also want to avoid seeming defeated, depressed, and down about the situation rather than upbeat and enthusiastic about the exciting future opportunities that await you. Just say that while you've dated in the past, sex is important to you, and you're still waiting to meet someone with whom you truly want to make love. The more relaxed, confident, self-assured, positive, fun-loving, and optimstic you can be, both when it comes to sex and to dealing with the opposite gender in general. As long as you are willing to be an eager pupil and let you partner show you how to maximize her pleasure, I have no doubt that she'll be fully satisfied. And finally, you should check out the book "The Multi-Orgasmic Man" if you want to get more pleasure from sex than most men realize is possible, with the added bonus of being one of the best lover any female partner has ever had before. There is also a product that is designed for scalp massage called "The Tingler" that I would advice buying whether you have a GF or not, because it will definitely rock your world! If you enjoy the benefits of the book's techniques and are lucky enough to find that one special lady who becomes your regular sexual partner, I can't recommend "The Multi-Orgasmic Couple" which has helped me perfect my natural inclination not to confine my pleasure to just one or just a few orgasms. I know several friends of mine who all claim that the book did wonders for their relationships. I know it probably had a role in why my long term relationships are always deliriously happy, with us both eager to spend as much time alone as possible . So please, do yourself a favor and start learning "The Multi-Orgasmic Man" techniques ASAP so you'll be ahead of the game and really blowing women away with the amount of pleasure you are able to give and receive by the time you find a worthy partner who will be patient and understanding, as well as hopefully a very good teacher! Good luck!

 
Old 01-29-2006, 06:24 AM   #8
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Re: Honest question.. Re: older male virgins

Veronica great advise

Communications is always a big plus, but hard to acheive at an early stage in a relationship
And none of us are too old to learn when it comes to sex , variety is what keeps it fresh.

I agree with letting the person know your saving yourself for the right person.
That opens up communications lines that will enable her to take the lead

Great Advise


Women prefer men that exude confidense in voice,action and everthing they do

 
Old 01-29-2006, 09:26 AM   #9
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Re: Honest question.. Re: older male virgins

what is the issue here, just out of curiousity?

are you wishing you had someone to love, a relationship with a woman?

or are you wishing you had someone to have sex with?

It concerns me that you are so hung up on having sex, and the focus is on that rather than developing a relationship with a woman first. If you did that, a lot of your worries about being a virgin would go away because you'd have a specific person in mind, could judge her personality, and, let's face it: if you're in a relationship with her and she cares enough to be with you, she's not going to run away just because you're a virgin.

If it's just sex you want, there are plenty of places you could find someone to have a one night stand with, or prostitutes even. You don't even have to tell these people you're a virgin. Because, basically, if you suck in bed, you won't have to see them beyond the next morning anyway, so who cares.

 
Old 01-29-2006, 03:43 PM   #10
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Re: Honest question.. Re: older male virgins

I think a guy being a virgin is really hot. It shows that sex obviously isn't his top priority. I mean, I'll be honest, if I were to have a one nite stand, I'd prefer someone with experience. But if I were to meet a guy, his being a virgin would be a very attractive thing to me. Its kinda funny this topic came up...I'm about to go spend a few days with a close friend in Toronto, and he's a virgin. He asked me to be his first, which I'm thrilled about, because this gives me the chance to have a partner who's willing to learn...plus , I kinda get off on the innocence thing. Its hot.

 
Old 01-29-2006, 08:45 PM   #11
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Re: Honest question.. Re: older male virgins

Thanks for the kind words and encouragement everyone. Veronica I must say you seem to have quite the head on your shoulders and I'll look into the book you mentioned and perhaps the therapy options as well.

Now then to answer this question.....

I'm honestly not sure..... I tend to waver back and forth on what I want. I think when it comes right down to it...... I do indeed want the relationship first and formost.... Howver the fact that I am still 'pure' scares me to a degree... when it comes to any potiential future relationships.

Perhaps I'm reading too much into it.. and again keep in mind I have very little in the way of relationships or a dating life to base this on... but I've always understood sex as being an important part of a relationship and from my perspective a girl would be just as likely to want to go into 'friends' mode (yes even a girl who really cared about the guy) after finding out he's a virgin... After all she's bound to find someone else she feels nearly the same way about... can get likely better sex in the process AND still have the 'virgin' as the friend type.

To sum it up as simply as possible.... am I hung up on the sex? You bet! I don't think this is abnormal really though. I mean it's only natural to wonder what you've been missing out on all these years.

Last night my soon to be ex roommate threw a party and this girl was sitting on the couch and he was just like "c'mon" next thing I know he's in his bedroom having sex and makes it look like the easiest thing in the world to set up a sexual encounter.

Taking that into account, along with the fact that people are flooded with sex here... sex there.. from a very young age.... it's frustrating beyond belief to want to know what it's like and not be able to find out.

So yeah the sex is a definite issue.....

BUT........ I would never resort to paying for a prostitute. If you have to pay for sex, then you've got some problems. (no offense to anyone who may have resorted to that... it's not for me) I like to say seeking help screams loser.... and by help I don't mean help as in therapy and the like... I mean help from friends when it comes to meeting girls.. just wanted to clarify that.

While that's open for interpretation.... I don't think the prostitute thing would be. Clearly a person is pretty desperate and well sad if a prostitute is their only option. Furthermore I'm not so sure that I could sleep with just anyone, thus the going back and forth thing. I want sex... hell at this point I NEED to know what all the hub bub is about... but if I met a girl and she wanted to have sex, could I go through with it?.... I don't know.....


When it comes down to it I have things I need to work on and I'll acknowledge as much. I'm so bitter and vindictive anymore, that I'm not at all a pleasant person to be around. I lack social skills and am fairly clueless in social situations as a whole... these are things I need to work on.

This can all be summed up in one word... fear. Deep down inside at this point, I want to wait for the right girl. That being said I do sometimes get frustrated to the point, of questioning this decision..... and thus start to stress over the sex thing.

I just fear that the 'right' girl will never come along and while some would say it's bound to happen eventually, the cruel reality is that it doesn't happen for everyone. Relationships.... love... sex these are all big parts of life, that I've yet to take part in.

Life experiences that continue to allude me and it's frustrating... and yes it hurts... big time.

edit:

Reardless this is likely going to be my last thread on the subject... I've beaten my lonliness like a dead horse.

Yes I'm lonely... yes I crave a relationship.... yes I go back and forth on whether or not I could have sex just for the sake of having it and not while in a relationship.

Yes I'm jealous of my brother and sister's happiness.. no I'm not as happy for them as I should be (don't get me wrong still happy... just not happy to the degree that it should reach.... the jealousy won't allow it)

It's to the point of ad nausem right now and I sincerely apolgise for kicking... beating.. and dragging this already dead horse through the mud and back. You guys get it by now.....

In the end I need to look deep within and try to fix these things... as mentioned above love (or sex) doesn't happen for everyone and while I don't want to think of it...... maybe these things won't happen for me, but if ithey don't, perhaps I'll learn to love myself enough for these things not to bother me so much.. don't know what the future holds really, but suppose I need to just take a plunge and see what happens.



Quote:
Originally Posted by redsoxgirl2418
what is the issue here, just out of curiousity?

are you wishing you had someone to love, a relationship with a woman?

or are you wishing you had someone to have sex with?

It concerns me that you are so hung up on having sex, and the focus is on that rather than developing a relationship with a woman first. If you did that, a lot of your worries about being a virgin would go away because you'd have a specific person in mind, could judge her personality, and, let's face it: if you're in a relationship with her and she cares enough to be with you, she's not going to run away just because you're a virgin.

If it's just sex you want, there are plenty of places you could find someone to have a one night stand with, or prostitutes even. You don't even have to tell these people you're a virgin. Because, basically, if you suck in bed, you won't have to see them beyond the next morning anyway, so who cares.

Last edited by SomeRandomDude; 01-29-2006 at 09:15 PM.

 
Old 01-30-2006, 05:28 PM   #12
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Re: Honest question.. Re: older male virgins

Some Random Dude,

I feel that I am reading about myself whenever you post ypur comments about fear, insecurity, and being a virgin. I am a 28 year-old virgin who has never even been on a date or kissed a girl and it eats away at me everyday. I am not ashamed of the way I look or even particularly antisocial but I have a severe form of anticipatory and performance anxiety that has even caused me to stop driving a car. Don't be so sure that therapy is the answer. I have been seeing a therapist for the past two years, and I still have not acted on his advice to get a life and start dating. We know what to do but do not know how to do it so I perfectly understand where you are coming from? Over the past week, I have taken my therapist's advice and posted my pictures and profiles on two online dating sites and while that is helping the anxiety still kicks it when the questions become personal. The sad thing is that I am a well-educated attorney who has tremendous confidence in his views and opinions but little to no confidence in myself. I am not very keen on the prostitute idea either but am maybe willing to compromise with a Craigslist encounter. For me, however, I am my worst enemy and overanalyze everything to death much like you seem to do. If I figure out how to overcome these anxiety issues, I will let you know beacuse then there is hope for all of us out there.

mrslots

 
Old 01-31-2006, 09:49 PM   #13
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Re: Honest question.. Re: older male virgins

Quote:
Originally Posted by tanabear6
I'm about to go spend a few days with a close friend in Toronto, and he's a virgin. He asked me to be his first, which I'm thrilled about, because this gives me the chance to have a partner who's willing to learn...plus , I kinda get off on the innocence thing. Its hot.
The words in bold are the difference between your friend and guys like SRD and myself. There is no way in hell I could have the jam to ask a girl something like that. The problem SRD has (again, myself as well), is that we have no social skills, thus we can't even end up in a situation where we could ask such a thing. Although SRD uses the term "virgin", it wouldn't be so bad if we were virgins by choice, rather than complete lack of opportunity.

For the record, I'm going to be 22 in April and I've never held a girl's hand, nevermind have sex. In today's society, I'm a complete loser. It's not an opinion, it's reality. My depression and severe social anxiety are only seen as excuses instead of legitimate reasons as to why I've always been alone and never had any real friends, which doesn't give guys like us much hope for the future.

 
Old 02-01-2006, 04:09 PM   #14
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Re: Honest question.. Re: older male virgins

Wow, I'm home sick today and realizing how awesome this board is....
interesting folks good to know i'm not the only odd duck
ok, random, I'm going to tell you the real honest truth. You really need to lose your precious virginity, the depression and self-loathing are practically oozing out of your post and onto my desk. You ask how a woman would feel about that? Pretty not good. I wouldn't want to deal with that kind of pressure. And you're right, a man usually improves with experience (although that's no guarantee), so getting some mileage on you might make you more attractive to a female looking for fun. You go on and on about it....it's just so obvious you're dying to do it, so what the heck could possibly be holding you back??!! There's no way you're too ugly or terrible socially, b/c lots of people to whom that applies date, have sex, marry, and create loud children that bother me in restaraunts.
Btw, you're wrong about the double standard....if a female friend of mine in my age range (29) told me she was a virg, I'd swallow my gum.
And what's up with knocking guys who visit hookers? They're losers because they can't get a woman for free, well neither can you and at least they have a workable solution. There are many men who prefer to pay occasionally, when they don't feel like going through the whole bar scene, or just as a treat, or they're out of town and don't know anyone. You come off as somewhat jdgemental and naiive. (I'm not trying to be mean)
At some point you will need to jump into the world of sex and love (they go together!!) and grown up fun and games. And you'll get your feelings hurt, and be rejected, and be lied to, and do things you'd never tell your parents, and love people who could care less about you....like everyone else!! That's what it takes to grow and become your true self. It takes time and it's painful, so get started asap.
You suspect that women will not be interested in a sexless relat with a virgin?? Let me confirm your suspicions. I know some people will tell you it's commendable, but they're just glorifying prudish ideas about sex that they probably don't adhere to themselves.
So stop holding out and give it up!! This goes for you too, mrslots and van!
There is only one way out of this situation, you must take immediate action. Get dressed, you're going out! Tonight's the big night
The game plan is simple (this is what most guys do for sex)
go to the bar
talk to, flirt with, proposition every single female you come across. Do not let rejection deter you! Keep it up, undaunted. Say things like, "So, how could your boyfriend let such a beautiful girl go out without him"..."Don't I know you?Is your name Jennifer? I could swear we've met"....and the tried and true, "Buy you a drink?"
Numerous women will snicker and turn away, or roll their eyes at their friends, or loudly tell you to go away.
Their loss!
Do not leave until you have a female. If it's getting close to last call, don't worry, that's usually a bonus round.
Take her home, don't tell her you're a virgin (who cares? It's not important) and do your best to approximate what you've read about in books.
The next morning, I'm sure you will feel dirty, ashamed, and guilty for some vague reason, because you have some complex I don't fully understand.
But you will be a man!!

 
Old 02-01-2006, 06:13 PM   #15
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Re: Honest question.. Re: older male virgins

Last post is pretty damn funny lol but true at the same time.

Random, get started on working out in GYM or stop complaning would ya? You owe it to yourself to start working out at least 3 times a week.

 
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HELP seriouse question pakz101 Sexual Health - Women 3 12-10-2004 05:55 PM




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