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Old 11-22-2006, 04:33 AM   #1
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spacemanspoon HB User
Sex life in tatters - please help :(

I am posting up here for some advice about what to do...
I'm sorry this is quite a long post but I hope that someone might be able to give me some advice or reasurance as I am at a loss.

The basic problem is that sexual closeness.. passion... a sex life... seem to have all but disapeared between my wife and I.

We met around 5 years ago and as with many couples our sex life at the beginning was fantastic. We both desired each other a lot (but not excessive). As time passed we explored things in the bedroom - trying roll play and dress up. This was nothing extreme and was more of the lingerie/secretary/school girl/type - definitely more of the 'front of the Anne Summers shop' rather than the more specialized 'rear of the Anne Summers shop' stuff if you know what I mean. I used to dress up for her too sometimes....

We both really enjoyed this. My (now) wife would be more liberated when "playing her role" and in turn it made things more exciting in the bedroom.

However, things started to go wrong. From what she has told me she began to feel "like an object" for my pleasure - that I would ask her to wear something and that made her feel like nothing more than a model for the lingerie. She has told me that she is not able to 'make love' with me if I ask her to wear anything, and that she only makes love when its just our naked bodies.

I hasten to add, we didnt rely on the "dressing up" to have a sex life - we made love just naked as well and I very much desire her just naked too.

Now though it has been around 2 years or more that she has been feeling this way. She now says that if I ever ask her to wear anything its like a bucket of cold water and sex is off the menu.

We got married recently and we thought that 'the baggage' would be left at the altar. Sadly this hasnt happened and things are as bad as ever. We've only made love 3 times since being married, and one of those was our wedding day.

The side effects of my partner feeling this way is that she now thinks that whenever things 'heat up' between us, that she's just waiting for me to ask her to go and wear something. This IS something I did, but we're talking around 3 years ago now and I dont ever do it now. We remain very close as friends and we have physical contact, but there's no passion and sexual contact is rare. I end up feeling like I dont want to make an effort to take her out for a night out, or to look sharp for her and I dont feel that I am attractive to her.

Indeed, the clothing thing has been a problem for years. I often set up rules for myself and promises to her about it. I have read books on how to be a more considerate lover and tried my best to reduce my libido to match hers. Often I break though and think to myself how life is so short and its been years since this started and this is all so crazy and snap myself out of my latest regieme. But this always ends in a big row because I even just suggested that we have an early night (with NO mention of ANYthing sexual)!

I have no idea what to do now. She says that, given time, things will be ok. But it's been more than 2 years now and I just dont know how long she needs. I should be patient but for me its become something which is linked with pain and suffering (in the form of an ugly row). Every time we approach 'sex' now, after our marriage, it will end up turned into a row at some point.

I would really like for this to be gone between us and for my wife to wear sexy lingerie for me, and for herself. I wish for the freedom to just be able to go and buy her something sexy or to enjoy a sex life with her without worrying if I might say something, or if she'll think if I arent 'really hard' with her just naked she'll assume I only get really hard when she's dressed up (something which really worries me).

I know I like looking at sexy dressed women and my wife is the sexiest of them all. I cant tell this though when she's wrapped up in a fluffy dressing gown and is likely to burn me if I even ask to see her naked... I'm just fed up and now look to internet porn to see even a woman with a smile on her face! I worry that if an attractive sexy woman came along and really took an interest in me that "things might become a whole lot more complicated" in my marriage.

Its not something I want - I want an exciting and fullfilling sex life with my wife.

HELP!

 
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Old 11-22-2006, 05:56 AM   #2
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StenoLady1 HB UserStenoLady1 HB User
Re: Sex life in tatters - please help :(

Are there any other possible sexual stressors going on? Possibly hormonal BC, kids, medications she's on, weight gain, depression?

If not, I think you two should consider some professional counseling with a therapist who specializes in sexual issues. Maybe even some solo sessions for her alone to help her deal with whatever hangup she has over lingerie.

 
Old 11-22-2006, 10:28 AM   #3
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desertdweller HB User
Re: Sex life in tatters - please help :(

Is there a possibility that she has had some sort of sexual trauma in her past? I agree that a trip to a counselor would be best in this situation. Usually this type of situation will not get better without help. If she refuses to go, go by yourself.

 
Old 11-22-2006, 10:42 AM   #4
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spacemanspoon HB User
Re: Sex life in tatters - please help :(

Thanks for the replies guys.

In answer to your questions. There's not been any sexual trauma in her past that she's told me about. There's no kids, meds, hormonal BC, weight gain or depression.

If anything I would say she has low self esteeme. She says she hasnt but having delt with it myself in the past I think I can see the signs. I dont know where that comes from but it certainly isnt from me because I shower her with words of encouragement and am always cheering for her.

Counseling is something we have discussed, but really only in the heat of an argument. Personally I am really apprehensive about going as a couple because I think we'll just row or say things which might hurt each other (read: I say something which hurts her). I have suggested that she goes but I am currently waiting on her to decide if she will or not (and I cant push her to do it so I have to just sit back and wait).

 
Old 11-23-2006, 09:36 AM   #5
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Join Date: May 2004
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JinL HB UserJinL HB User
Re: Sex life in tatters - please help :(

Low testosterone can cause loss of sex desire. Her doctor can test it & prescribe a 1% compounded testosterone cream for her to rub a small dab on her clitorus every 3 or 4 days.

That will up the sex disire.

 
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