When I first started dating my fiancee' (we've been together 3 years now), she was a self-proclaimed nympho. She always started playing with me and was very much into me/sex. She also would openly talk about her past sexual experiences.....I learned that she was much more "wild" then me. She said she had MMF threesomes, and there is a guy at her work that she would be so crazy about, she'd come to work in a skirt and no panties....they'd get together and have sex in a phone closet at work regularly. She said it was the most incredible sex of her life.
At first this didn't bother me at all. And even after I got to know her well, it still didn't bother me because I know all that is in her past and she's with me now. But, for about the past year or so, our sex life has slowed down a lot. I know there are many reasons that can cause this, but for some reason, I seem to keep dwelling on her past sexual relations....in particular with this guy at her work. The thing that keeps coming into my head is that when I met her, she was a nympho and had all this incredible sex with the coworker. Now, she's definitely NOT a nympho and our sex life is mediocre....we average about 2 times a month and I don't think that's a good thing considering we are newly engaged. So what really hits me hard is that while trying to figure out what's wrong, I keep realizing that the difference between now and then is......ME. I know that's not rational, she has assured me she loves me but I just can't help thinking that this guy and others could do something for her that I obviously can't. I've talked to her about this on a few occassions and she has NEVER denied that I can't do for her what he did. Thinking maturely, I know that it shouldn't matter, but as a proud man, I feel so inadequate knowing I'll never give her sex as good as this guy could since he apparently was a more agressive personality than I am. Oh and did I mention that they are still coworkers? LOL I know she is completely in love with me and has nothing to do with him anymore, but man......
I so wish she had never talked to me about those things!
I guess I'm just venting, but if anyone has any advice, I'd appreciate it.
wow you're a strong man! I don't think my husband would be my husband if I told him some of the stuff I did before we met. The only thing you could probably do is ask her if she wants to experiment with anything. Don't ask her if she likes this or that at least not frequently! I hate being asked! Ask her to tell you when something is good or have her show you. Don't worry about people in her past. sex is usually more emotional for women, so I'm sure your fiance ejoys sex, maybe now it's more love and less lust. Try to switch things up, maybe she's waiting for you to initiate intercourse. Have fun with it!!!
I think you do not need to worry. The difference between her now and her then, is love! What she had with him was lust, and this quickly burns out, despite how passionate it might be. They say lust only lasts for about 3 months then fizzles out. She is with you because she wanted more than that.
With you she loves you, and that lusty stage naturally wanes away to a more comfortable stage and those mad passionate sessions seem to change to more deeper lovemaking.
I know becasue this happened to me and my friends. I sometimes do miss those mad nights but would never swap the intimacy for those 5 mins of fun so do not worry, she is lucky to have you! Try injecting some spark by trying new things and having quickies, sending sexy texts etc, going away for the night. She may miss the unpredictable nature so would appreciate it,
Before it wasn't love, now it is. She's grown up and wants to settle down with one guy she loves, and it's you! If she was a self-proclaimed drug addict before she met you, would you want her to still be that way too? The past is the past.
THanks all. I do understand that it's love now and never was with him. But what's so difficult for me as a man is the simple fact that he did something for her that I will NEVER be able to do. I'm not sure if I can ever get past that, so skitz, I'm not as strong as you might think!
Microwave, I don't think your analogy of a drug addict is the same since that's obviously a bad thing whereas I'd LOVE her to be the nympho that I first met again!
She too says the past is the past and the mature, sensical side of me knows this is true, but unfortunately, that doesn't change the feelings that keep popping up constantly.....
In all honesty I believe whatever this guy did (which I assure you is nothing you can't do) it's mostly contributed to a set of circumstances, a lot of hype, worked up emotion, and mostly on your wife's behalf. Think about it, the element of danger and excitement are probably a huge part of the phone closet sex. When a woman like your wife, a nymphomaniac, is really into things like that, 9/10ths of the excitement is probably in her head, so try not to compete with that guy. I bet all he did was sneak in there and pop it to her, that's all. Maybe something else, nothing out of the ordinary. I still believe from what you've described, the intense enjoyment she recieved is because she was so worked up, not because the guy was some super stud or overly talented lover.
Remember, she said she was a professed nymphomaniac. Most of her intense enjoyment comes from the fact that she's just what she said, a nymphomaniac. If she weren't I bet her sex life wouldn't be quite as intense. If you haven't already, please look up the word nymphomaniac in Webster's dictionary and really think on the words uncontrollable and abnormal. Abnormal in this case is a tremendous word. I'm not trying to say your wife is a bad woman, but when it comes to sex and desire maybe you should really ponder those two words.
If I were you I wouldn't compare myself to that guy anymore. It wasn't him, it is her..
Best of luck my friend.
Last edited by hairier yet..; 03-10-2007 at 10:04 AM.
Hairier is right........and don't forget that the best sex involves the brain and the imagination.
Sure there might be a few things she'd like which the two of you haven't done yet but there is lots of time to do it all in. If your sex life is based on the bedroom or the house in general, take it out of the house. Stop the car on the way home one night somewhere safe or better still on the way to dinner one night and have a little foreplay/makeout session, no need to have full sex and that might be dangerous these days b/c you never know what kind of creep is lurking about, but just something simple to get things going. You could even remove a certain article of underclothing (if you know what i mean) and tell her she wont be needing it. There is nothing wrong in going out to dinner with no knickers. That would be you taking initiative and more or less taking control of the situation. It's also something naughty and unpredictable and would have her wondering 'i wonder what he'll do next' (this is where your imagination has to kick in and think up other things to say or do which she would be unprepared for).
This is only one scenario, but there are lots like this. It simply involves thinking outside of what the pair of you might regularly do. There have been lots of posts on this board about people wanting to change their sex lives around or wanting to spice things up. Perhaps you can do a search and read up on some old posts. I don't know how much we can help you on here as i dont want to get into trouble with the moderators for giving "how to's".
Just remember, she is with you and you have taken the first step by asking for help on the boards. The next step is thinking up some ideas and trying them on her, which is a lot better than sitting at home deperessed about some guy in her past. Best of luck
Just as an observation, the internal, philosophical, and emotional dilemma Skarn faces is a practical example of why the past does matter. We can want it to not be so, we can make judgement on that perspective as unfair, but we cannot deny that for a very large percentage of average people, how we internalize over our partners past actions and choices were, can prove to be a difficult, and often painful exercise.
The choices we make today accumulate over time to paint a picture of who we are. Value based choices can and do stay with us and serve to sometimes make future relationships challenging.
Some might say that if he lets it bother him too much, it would be his loss. No doubt it might. But it may well be her loss just as much. I make no value judgment on whatever his fiancé may have done in her past, but it is not only reasonable, it is normal that someone you may fall in love with in your future will have the same challenging and normal reaction Skarn is having,
There is ample proof in day to day real life example that the past is relevant in new relationships and the choices we make today have lasting impact on our personal lives tomorrow. However unfair we may think that is, it will not change the reality that that is often how it is.
Audrey: Thank you for the tips! The problem though is she doesn't seem to ever be in the mood anymore....I've tried to get her to "christen my hummer", I've tried the different locations in the house, but with 3 kids, that's a tough one! I've even tried to "replicate" her past lover by trying to talk her into the phone closet with me! I know, prob a bad move, but she wanted none of it! That made me even more insecure.
But the bottom line is I love her and she loves me. We will get through this, and I will never give up trying to "add spice" to our sex lives! I just wish she would have never told me about the past lover....or I could get that part of my memory zapped!
Music4All: I agree! I also want to point out that even though I value complete honesty in a relationship, that this one part of her life might better have been left out! But the dilemma is that I asked! We were sharing what we've done in the past and I flat out asked "have you ever done it at work...". So I'm not sure if it would have been better for her to lie about it!
I'm sure this woman loves you, but she sounds really immature in the sensativity and maturity department. I'm really just wondering how she would feel if the tables were turned and she was told she could never measure up to someone in your past. Or maybe that doesn't bother her? If she loves you so much she needs to start caring about your feelings. If I were in your shoes I think I would have bounced already. Good luck
Everybody has a past of some description, but not everybody is totally honest about their past. She decided to be honest with you. When we speak of our past we do not know at the time that the person we are telling wants us to lie about one thing and be honest about another. A lot of people have lied and their partner house found out the truth from someone else and then challenged the partner on what actually happened. Then when their partner is being honest they still doubt the honestly, thinking that bits of it could be lies and then they spend forever wondering and wondering until it becomes mental torture.
You also mention that there are 3 children. I don't have kids myself, but most people i know who do have kids find it difficult finding time for quality and quantity of sex after they have dealt with the kids, cooked, cleaned and in most cases holding down a 9-5 job. I know myself when i get home from work on a lot of occasions i think "what would i do now if i had 2 or 3 screaming kids in the house". I don't think i'd feel up to regular sex and my libido would likely take a long vacation.