It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Sexual Health - General Message Board
Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 05-03-2007, 03:01 PM   #1
Newbie
(female)
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Seattle
Posts: 7
redmariposawa HB User
Unhappy I found his porn *stash*, I'm so hurt.

Recently while searching for my toothbrush that I am certain my husband hid from me, I opened the nightstand and the drawer fell out. What I found made me shake and burst into tears and then rage. My dh had a collection op magazines, video, an anal vibrator toy & very used lubricant (with near dead batteries and very used) and a sheet of numbers to call for phone sex (which he told me he wasn't into when I offered) and to meet up with people in your area for sex (I also found 800 & 866 numbers that were to sex chat lines on his cell phone, one of which says girls will call you back from a local number for x amount of $, which he swore he didn't do, and a prepaid credit card in his wallet). My heart sank. This is just not my husband, however, this collection went back as far as 2003 and one of the magazines was a $40 'Gold' edition. I am so sick to my stomach, I haven't eaten since my discovery. My husband goes out of town for business frequently and the last time he came back acting very 'weird'...sexually. He didn't want to have sex with me, he had every excuse, yet he woudl lock himself in the bedroom and say he was on a call, etc, but I woudl find his laptop with the headphones still attached either on the nightstand or the floor next to the bed and the room would have that 'smell', and he even ejaculated on the wall and left it there, and the stain got bigger. I can't think, work, eat, sleep, I can't function. I just keep going over all the lies he has told me and how stupid I am. When he came back from his trip to vegas in November (when the weird bahavior began), I asked him if there were guys handing out those cards to call girls for sex and he said 'no', yet I found a huge stack of them in his work stuff, he also didn't call me for almost 24hrs, no goodnight, no text, nothing, and that is not like him. That was the night he blew money at the strip club, a lot of it. He said he was buying his friend's lap dances and one friend he bought a private dance for...I wasn't born yesterday, he thinks I am dumb. He kept talking about all the naughty things his married friends were doing (leaving with girls, etc), when I know that was done to overshadow what he did, as is why most people do that. I don't mind him going there with friends, but paying women to rub on him when I look far better than any of them is painful to swallow. I am very fit, tall, attractive, 34D, red hair, green eyes, I was January on a Motorcycle Calendar in 2006, I am more than easy on the eyes and I am NOT dumb like he thinks. I know porn is normal for a man to enjoy, but this is different. We watch porn together and have magazines we look at together, this is a secret stash I never knew about, his secret. That is why this is different. The recent requests to watch me masturbate (after 11 years I am just now hearing this), new 'moves' he wants me to try and now all this. I know he cheated on me, I know it. I am not a jealous woman, never ever would I assume that, but I had a very weird feeling about what occurred in vegas, the weird kind that eats away at you. And him chosing masturbation over making love to me is like stabbing me in the heart and wiggling the knife around. Recently my sister was lost on her way to a new job as a waitress at a strip club and he gave her very clear directions on where to find it, leading me to believe this is where the money he couldn;t account for went, and that place, according to my sister who quit after that night, is just one big ***** house as she witnessed girls having sex, giving head and hand jobs to guys for as little as $20. One morning he was masturbating in the shower (which he still swears he NEVER does) with my shower oil, I heard him orgasm loudly, so I went in the bathroom to shower with him as is common for us to do together and he grabbed the door and said 'Don't come in here' and was frantic. I said I'm dirty and I need cleaned (sexy voice) and sure enough he was still dispensing ejaculate, yet he lied to me about it and said I was crazy, he told me it was pre-*** cause he was horny for me and then began sexual advances which are few and far between. I just want him to want to make love to me which he doesn't want to do, or when we do, he doesn't orgasm and has gone soft. I can't stop crying, writing this has me crying more, but I think i needed to talk to someone since my counseling appointment isn't until tomorrow and it has been a few days since this happened. He won't talk to me either, he avoids me, treats me like I do not exhist making the hurt so much worse and tells me I am crazy. I love him, well, I love the man I married, and this man is clearly not the same guy. I just want to be over this, but after this secret, I ache at the thought of what else he is hiding from me, what is making him treat me like crap, he really is mean to me, and I can never understand why. He said there are some things he is harbouring that do make him an a**hole towards me and promised to see someone about it, yet 3 months later he hasn't and apparently according to him, I am the crazy one who needs to see someone. I just want to talk to him about everything. I want to know everything he has done. I would really feel better knowing and working through it then living with a liar. I can deal with a weak man who has made a few mistakes, but a liar I cannot love. I can't always wonder if he is telling the truth or a lie, but I can't see myself with anyone else (especially not sexually, the offers have been there from other men, I could never go that far), I am so confused.
I don't want to feel like this. We have two wonderful kids together and I am finding life hard to enjoy and that's not fair to them, I just want my hudband to love me and to want me and ONLY me.

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 05-03-2007, 05:00 PM   #2
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Florida
Posts: 224
Bluesy HB User
Re: I found his porn *stash*, I'm so hurt.

First of all you should make him sit down with you and let him know what's up. If he doesn't like it and wants to be immature then let him go. There are too many people out there that I'm sure would love you and treat you right. He should not choose maturbation over sex with you. And he shouldn't hide all the "stash" from you either. That's what a relationship is supposed to be based on.. Trust and Honesty! If you don't have that, you don't have a relationship.

Now, like I said if he doesn't want to talk then fine. Be a woman and get a divorce from him. You need someone that is going to be honest with you no matter what. Obviously he has no guilt or he wouldn't keep doing it. And I'm sure on these "business" trips I'm sure he's doing more then business.. Seeing as what you have described is true.

If I were you I'd stand up for myself. You know what's right from wrong.. Go with your heart. Best wishes.

 
Old 05-04-2007, 07:01 AM   #3
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
rosequartz's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Chicago,IL
Posts: 10,303
rosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB User
Re: I found his porn *stash*, I'm so hurt.

wow that was long.....my answer will be shorter....LOL
you don't need him, you can do much better. If you were January on a motorcycle calender, I'm sure you could have guys lining up for you.......guys that would appreciate you.....
he sounds like he has an addiction to porn and an addiction to sex.....you say you know he cheated on you......why are you still with him?
and please come up with something better than "I love him"
love does NOT conquer all.....contrary to popular belief

 
Old 05-04-2007, 07:37 AM   #4
Newbie
(female)
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Seattle
Posts: 7
redmariposawa HB User
Re: I found his porn *stash*, I'm so hurt.

getting a real honest and genuine answer from him is not an option. He tells me one lie after another. I can't believe one word he says, especially now after this.
At least I have my counseling appointment tonight to help me understand why he is doing this to me. And this is the worst week to have this happen. If he respected me, he would never have had that stuff here. I am sure that if I had a vibrator and magazines and movies that I hid so I could masturbate to other men, he woudl be devestated. The propblem with my marriage is that it is always okay for him to do it, not me (this is anything) and I am always overreacting.
I really don't want a divorce, but I don't want to be married to a liar. And I honestly do not know if I can trust men anymore.

 
Old 05-04-2007, 07:52 AM   #5
Newbie
(female)
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Seattle
Posts: 7
redmariposawa HB User
Re: I found his porn *stash*, I'm so hurt.

Last night he still swore up and down he didn't cheat, but I can no longer believe a word that comes out of his mouth.
The unfortunate part about my appearance is that I ALWAYS attract the bad boys, and they seem to treat me like ****. EVERY DAMN ONE OF THEM. I only ever had one guy treat me like a princess, and it was great, but he was too clingy and wanted ALL of my attention. I wish I knew better then.
I was fascinated with my husband when I met him. I was 16, him too, and I must just like be treated like crap, because he was the same way back then.
Ugh, well hopefully I will get some insight from the therapist this evening. I just really want to understand what causes a guy to do this to his wife of over a decade, one who has always been supportive, never been jealous and likes enjoying the *goog* stuff with him.

 
Old 05-04-2007, 08:22 AM   #6
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: NC
Posts: 617
tarheel247 HB User
Re: I found his porn *stash*, I'm so hurt.

i couldn't get past the fact that he has an anal toy and used lube. guess he was using that on himself? has he ever wanted to do a threesome? or has he ever mentioned joining a swinger group? maybe he's going through a mid-life thing. how is your counselor gonna tell you why he's doing this stuff? thats something he needs to tell you. she will not know. she can only guess which is what we are doing. marriage counseling would prob be better. did you tell him about the stuff you found? couldn't get that from your post. i hear stories from male co-workers about trips to vegas and such. the married ones like to watch the single ones make a fool of themselves. i think they get off on it. some prob live our their fantasies through those guys. not that they don't love their wives. just being men i guess.
__________________
This is your life and it's ending one minute at a time.
Those who forget the past are destined to repeat it.

 
Old 05-04-2007, 08:23 AM   #7
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
rosequartz's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Chicago,IL
Posts: 10,303
rosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB User
Re: I found his porn *stash*, I'm so hurt.

Quote:
Originally Posted by redmariposawa View Post
Last night he still swore up and down he didn't cheat, but I can no longer believe a word that comes out of his mouth.
The unfortunate part about my appearance is that I ALWAYS attract the bad boys, and they seem to treat me like ****. EVERY DAMN ONE OF THEM. I only ever had one guy treat me like a princess, and it was great, but he was too clingy and wanted ALL of my attention. I wish I knew better then.
I was fascinated with my husband when I met him. I was 16, him too, and I must just like be treated like crap, because he was the same way back then.
Ugh, well hopefully I will get some insight from the therapist this evening. I just really want to understand what causes a guy to do this to his wife of over a decade, one who has always been supportive, never been jealous and likes enjoying the *goog* stuff with him.

so it sounds like what you're saying is that you're staying with him no matter what.......no matter if he's a liar or a cheater, right?

 
Old 05-04-2007, 09:11 AM   #8
Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Arizona, USA
Posts: 78
colleen617 HB User
Re: I found his porn *stash*, I'm so hurt.

After reading your original post, I felt for you. It must have been devastating to find the stash and extremely upsetting to realize that you had seen some other signs of what sounds like a porn/sex addiction.

Although many people would advise you to leave him immediately, it is not always easy to do so. You share many things with this man especially your children. Your vision as a family is not something to lightly dismiss.

On the other hand, hopefully, through counseling you will be able to find your way. If eventually it means divorce, then so be it. But first, you may want to explore all options before taking this step. You might want to see about couples counseling in addition to individual counseling.

Pls. be sure to have frequent health checkups. Good luck.

 
Old 05-04-2007, 12:37 PM   #9
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
rosequartz's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Chicago,IL
Posts: 10,303
rosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB User
Re: I found his porn *stash*, I'm so hurt.

I have a couple questions.....somethings just don't make sense.....why would he have hidden a toothbrush from you? why would you think he hid it in the nightstand? do you ever open the drawer of your nightstand? To me if something was in the drawer of my nightstand in my own bedroom I wouldn't really consider that "hidden", unless of course he taped it to the top of the drawer or something like that.....
it didn't seem like he was really trying to "hide" it.

 
Old 05-04-2007, 03:06 PM   #10
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Florida
Posts: 224
Bluesy HB User
Re: I found his porn *stash*, I'm so hurt.

Quote:
Originally Posted by redmariposawa View Post
getting a real honest and genuine answer from him is not an option. He tells me one lie after another. I can't believe one word he says, especially now after this.
At least I have my counseling appointment tonight to help me understand why he is doing this to me. And this is the worst week to have this happen. If he respected me, he would never have had that stuff here. I am sure that if I had a vibrator and magazines and movies that I hid so I could masturbate to other men, he woudl be devestated. The propblem with my marriage is that it is always okay for him to do it, not me (this is anything) and I am always overreacting.
I really don't want a divorce, but I don't want to be married to a liar. And I honestly do not know if I can trust men anymore.
Look, like you said you don't want to be with a liar right? Then don't. You have the right to stand up for yourself and get away from him. It's like when people say, "What's good for the goose is good for the gander" and like you said he would be angry if he found out that you were doing the same things... That's not right. You need to be in a HEALTHY relationship where there's no hiding or lying.

Do you honestly think he's going to change? You might never know why he does this to you, and personally I don't think I would want to know. I'm telling you the best thing is to GET OUT! I'm sorry if this seems harsh, but [ I ] won't lie to you. You know what's right and what's wrong. Why not get out and be with someone that will treat you right? And if for any reason you think you won't find anything better.. YOU WILL. I wish you the best of luck with whatever decision you make.

Last edited by Mod-S4; 05-05-2007 at 06:43 AM. Reason: Please speak on behalf of yourself only, not Healthboards. Thanks.

 
Old 05-07-2007, 03:04 PM   #11
Newbie
(female)
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Seattle
Posts: 7
redmariposawa HB User
Re: I found his porn *stash*, I'm so hurt.

Well, I talked to him. It wasn't easy because he was being very defensive and mean until I started crying. I don't think he has a porn addiction, but I still believe he has a problem with intimacy and control. The therapist said he has control issues and that is why he was doing all of this, he confirmed it. He promised to stop. I told him there is nothing I wouldn't do for him but he has to respect me, and I shall do the same.
I do still feel like he is telling me a lie about the vegas strip club trip, but he won't talk about it so at this point I just feel like letting that go in knowing that what he did in teh strip club is something that he will have to live with and hopefully will feel regret and pain for hurting and telling me fabricated truths. If I was to even sit on another man's lap my dh would FREAK out, so he should understand my anger for PAYING a woman to rub on his. Spectating is one thing, participating because your freinds are is BS. Like I said, if all my friends were sitting on guys laps or dancing dirty with them, I am woman enough to respect my husband and do my own thing. But again, he has to live with that.
Anyhow, I feel some relief but still feel hurt and lied to. Like my therapist said, the devil you know is better than the devil you don't know and for now, for this issues, we will just work though it and see where that leads.

 
Old 05-07-2007, 03:27 PM   #12
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 111
Bonitagirl HB User
Re: I found his porn *stash*, I'm so hurt.

I dont understand how you dont think that your husband is a porn addict! I a person that spends lots of money on drugs and will go out of thier way to get it, lie, cheat and hurt someone for drugs, does that mean that they are not a drug addict? Replace the word drug with porn my dear and youve got it!! Its normal to be hurt, someone that you have comitted to is lying to you and posibally going out side of your marriage for sex, ( sex doesnt always mean intercourse). You would have to be inhuman to not be hurt. I think that he needs the help and counseling. And if you have two children together, what will they think, what if your daughter found his stash and thinks it is normal? Kids pick up on a lot more than what adults want to believe. He has proven to be untrustworthy and unless he commits to changing, then your relationship will always be untrustworthy. Love your man, but you have to love yourself and kids too.

Last edited by Bonitagirl; 05-07-2007 at 03:30 PM.

 
Old 05-07-2007, 08:59 PM   #13
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Posts: 5,485
tUrRrRa HB UsertUrRrRa HB UsertUrRrRa HB UsertUrRrRa HB UsertUrRrRa HB UsertUrRrRa HB UsertUrRrRa HB UsertUrRrRa HB UsertUrRrRa HB UsertUrRrRa HB User
Re: I found his porn *stash*, I'm so hurt.

Wow I am so sorry to hear this! I felt horrible about myself and felt very sad after I caught my boyfriend looking at porn on my computer (which I am VERY protective about because my old laptop got ruined with viruses) and masturbating as I was asleep in the same room. And wow if he did what your man did to you.. I don't even know what I would do! I don't think I COULD stay with somebody like that. I would just feel way too hurt. I know I am not you and don't know him, but I probably would not engage in any sexual activity if you suspect he cheated. You never know who has STD's if he did, and he needs to get everything under control before he is having sex with you again. I hope the therapy works.. I mean there is really only so much you can do on your side if he isn't willing to try as well. He needs to open up to you and be honest about everything. Maybe you two can talk about what you consider to be cheating or what would hurt you, so he understands in detail. Seems like a lot of men ASSUME things are okay when they might not be to the woman. Good luck.. and please remember that it isn't YOUR fault! This is something he needs to work on and fix.

 
Old 05-10-2007, 07:45 AM   #14
Newbie
(female)
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Seattle
Posts: 7
redmariposawa HB User
Re: I found his porn *stash*, I'm so hurt.

We did talk and I told him how hurt he made me. I view making love just as that, expressing your love for eachother and while he was withholding that from me to please himself, well that really hurt me to the bone. I know masturbation feels good, I do it too in addition to our lovemaking, but would never substitute it for the real thing even though it can feel 100x better.
I removed all the porn I could find from our house and things have been great, he has been making love to me, to the finish line, so I am certain his porn was taking away from us and hurting our relationship, now I feel happier, I want to do [nice] things for him, enjoy life and my self esteem, while still hurt, is improving.
I really am hoping that things stay this way. I don't want to go back to how I felt last week. I cried in the shower for over an hour, I didn't eat for almost 4 days, I cried everytime I thought about it, I actually threw up several times, all in the same week my grandfather whom I was close to passed away.
Ugh, yes, it is certain that last week was the worst week of my life.

 
Old 05-11-2007, 06:28 PM   #15
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Posts: 5,485
tUrRrRa HB UsertUrRrRa HB UsertUrRrRa HB UsertUrRrRa HB UsertUrRrRa HB UsertUrRrRa HB UsertUrRrRa HB UsertUrRrRa HB UsertUrRrRa HB UsertUrRrRa HB User
Re: I found his porn *stash*, I'm so hurt.

I hope things stay better for you!! What a tough time to go through. Hopefully he finally gets it through his head how much it hurts you and he can stop being obsessed with it.

 
Closed Thread

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
Men & Women & Porn Laye Relationship Health 11 01-08-2010 01:08 PM
what to do about husbands who watch too much porn shortye24 Sexual Health - General 7 08-09-2008 12:35 AM
GF giving me grief about porn. J S Machine Relationship Health 25 12-30-2007 03:37 PM
Just found out Friend OD'ed on OXY'S ms.christy Addiction & Recovery 7 02-28-2006 08:26 PM
porn AllLovedUp Sexual Health - General 8 11-09-2005 11:16 AM




Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Join Our Newsletter

Stay healthy through tips curated by our health experts.

Whoops,

There was a problem adding your email Try again

Thank You

Your email has been added








TOP THANKED CONTRIBUTORS



lenvegas (12), rosequartz (8), writeleft (6), Kszan (5), Tivo123 (4), ladybud (4), Titchou (4), Kali333 (4), solofelix (4), captjane (4)

Site Wide Totals

teteri66 (1164), MSJayhawk (997), Apollo123 (896), Titchou (832), janewhite1 (823), Gabriel (757), ladybud (745), sammy64 (666), midwest1 (665), BlueSkies14 (610)



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 02:32 AM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.comô
Terms of Use © 1998-2014 HealthBoards.comô All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!