We've been having trouble with our young teenage daughter. We have made an appointment with our OB-GYN for her to have an exam. My question is . . . Can the doctor tell if she is a virgin or not? I know this sounds dumb, but she wears tampons and I didn't know if that made a difference or not? Curious. Please advise. Thanks.
So you are marching her off to the gynecologist for the most embarrassing of intimate examinations? The way you write it sounds almost as if you are punishing her. She will only rebel more and you will perceive her as more troublesome, and it will be years before you are good friends!
Your question about can the doctor tell intimates that you want to know this answer, cos clearly your daughter will know this. So why do you want to be so invasive in her life? Can she not get through her difficult teen years without extra problems and humiliation?
Ok perhaps I have laid it on a bit thick, but this was how I read your post. Ease up and maybe she will start to trust you and not rebel against you. As she gets older and maturer you will see the adult in her if you let her prove she is responsible. But of course I understand chicken and egg. Try talking.
The doctor's office said in order for them to talk to me, she must sign a release form.
I also must clarify. I'm praying that she has not. However, she is relentlessly being accused at school. I do not know how she would handle this, but she has said she would love to shove some kind of proof in some of their faces that she has not done anything. I know this is confusing but there is soooo many facets to this whole situation it would be impossible to go into detail.
Sorry there is no way to tell if your daughter is a virgin or not unless she says so. A doctor cant tell especailly since she uses tampons. I was a virgin with my first exam and the dr couldnt tell if I was or wasnt. She even asked me if I was sexually active. I told her no that I had never had sex and that was why I was there to be put on BC so I could be active.
Chances are since your daughter uses tampons her hymen was broken then or if she was an active child(horeback riding,bike riding or such) then her hymen broke then.
DS 13 yr
DS 8 yr (3+ yrs ttc)
TTC #3 since 01/02
Last edited by Mod-S4; 05-14-2007 at 08:09 PM.
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Hopefully you will get her tested for STD's just in case she has been sexually active. I know this must be horribly difficult for you as her protector and parent. I was an 18 year old virgin at the time of my first exam and the doctor basically called me a liar until she did the exam....she was very quick to apologize. And yes, I had been wearing tampons for years. I would imagine the doctor may have an idea whether or not she has been having sex, but I would also assume that it would not be conclusive without confirmation by your daughter. If she has been having sex, I would suggest you get try to get some professional help as a child that young should not be having sex in the first place. I hope you get some answers soon so you will know how to help your daughter.
Only if it was recent sexual activity and in those cases they look for tears,irratation,and semen,or spermicide residue. When they go to that lenght it is normally in a rape kit. They arent going to do that through of an exam just to tell if a girl is a virgin or not.
DS 13 yr
DS 8 yr (3+ yrs ttc)
TTC #3 since 01/02
No, a doctor cannot tell if a woman is a virgin. Very occasionally, if a woman has a perfectly intact hymen, it MIGHT be possible for a doctor to say that she is a virgin. This, however, would be quite rare. Many, many things can stretch and tear the hymen, and women are born with varying degress of hymen anyway (some have no hymen at all).
I would not advise trying to get a "doctor's note" to show the bullies at school. That's only likely to provoke more teasing, and teens move on to the next piece of gossip before too long anyway. If, as I hope, you are taking your daughter to the gyn because you are concerned for her health, you may want to NOT have her sign the slip, so she knows she can speak freely and confidentially to the doctor.
I agree with what most of the ladies said before me.
I also wanted to put out there as something for you to think about. This could quite possibly be her way of gaining access to a doctor, without you asking any question. I'm sure that she is aware doctors cannot disclose to you personal information regarding her sex life, and so whatever she says in the examination room, won't reach your ears. I am not saying that this is for sure the case, but it is something you need to think about.
Your best bet is to sit down and talk to her. Explain to her that you will honestly believe her if she tells you the truth, because there isn't much more you can say other than that without pushing her away. Then go on to tell her the consequences of having sex, unprotected and protected. Tell her that you are always there if she needs someone to talk to, and that if she does confide in you, you won't be mad. This is very key, because most of the time a child doesn't confide in their parents for fear of retribution. She will be more willing to talk if she knows that you aren't going to get upset with her and start not trusting her and do other various things.
Regardless of what she ends up telling you, if she still is insisting on the doctors exam, knowing that he cannot fully tell whether or not she is a virgin, I would let her go. If she is having sex, she needs to be on birth control pills, or at least be educated on the subject.
I agree with Jenna. I think it's important for you to allow your daughter to feel free to speak in confidence with the doctor to help her work out whatever is going on with herself. If you take that away from her, she may rebel even more or have additional problems.
I understand you're concerned and you don't know what to do. But try to remember what it was like when you were younger and how your privacy was something you really valued at her age. Once a parent steps over that line, it's hard for the relationship to be anything but strained from that point forward. That's a fact.
Please try to be more understanding with your daughter. I agree that getting the doctor's note to prove whatever you're trying to prove to some outside party is a really bad idea. That's actually kind of lame. You're better off just taking her to the doctor so that she knows where she's at from a health standpoint, and then allowing her to have the privacy to address any questions she may have with the doctor at that time.
And you never know, if you reiterate to her that her discussion with the doctor will be kept just between the two of them, then she might actually respect you a lot more for allowing her to keep that privacy intact. And I think that at this age, a teen needs to feel like their privacy is being respected, or else they tend to get really rebellious and mean and all hell breaks loose.