It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Sexual Health - General Message Board
Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 11-01-2007, 06:25 AM   #1
Junior Member
(male)
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Mass
Posts: 14
jstar07 HB User
Newlywed Sexual Problems

Hello All,

I just married my wife about a month ago. Our sex life was decent for the first 6 months or so of our relationship while we were dating, but it slowly dwindled away. She slowly began to have painful sex issues as we started to get her on birth control (first tried the patch, now on the nuvaring). She also started to complain about yeast infections and urinary tract infections often. Now it seems like she has less infections, but she still worries she has them/is going to get them. Shortly before we got married, we thought some of the problem was vaginismus, since she feels alot of insertion pain with intercourse. We purchased a vaginismus kit, and she kinda-sorta went through the program, but it didn't help very much. We saw a gynaecologist, and he said she had no physical problems (other than being very tight), but suggested with "practice" having sex 2-3 times a week. My wife doesn't really like practicing, because she fears the pain. She also now complains of a burning/stinging sensation even when entering a finger inside her (even her own). She also worries about the "feeling to pee" when anything goes on in her vaginal area. This has frustrated me very much, as I haven't really had any enjoyable intimacy with my wife, and progress has been an uphill battle. I have suggested a sexual therapist, but she is shy and hardly talks to me about our sexual dysfunction -- and she doesn't believe she can talk with a sexual therapist. Another note is my wife never really masterbated with her finger inside her, so she isn't that familiar with her insides or what feels good. Anyway, she has many worries and fears, and sexual behavior has become a chore for her. Any suggestions? Anyone else have to deal with this?

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 11-01-2007, 06:36 AM   #2
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 4,202
happymom28 HB User
Re: Newlywed Sexual Problems

You could try making your "intimate times" less about the actual act of sex and focus more on pleasuring her. Perhaps with a lot of love and attention she will ease up. Remember, women are not always ready to go like you men are. Sometimes (well, a lot of times) we need a little something more to get us going. The more aroused she is the less she will be worrying about the pain and the less painful it will be. Even if the fooling around doesn't lead to sex for a while, help her to feel comfortable.

 
Old 11-01-2007, 06:44 AM   #3
Junior Member
(male)
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Mass
Posts: 14
jstar07 HB User
Re: Newlywed Sexual Problems

Quote:
Originally Posted by happymom28 View Post
You could try making your "intimate times" less about the actual act of sex and focus more on pleasuring her. Perhaps with a lot of love and attention she will ease up. Remember, women are not always ready to go like you men are. Sometimes (well, a lot of times) we need a little something more to get us going. The more aroused she is the less she will be worrying about the pain and the less painful it will be. Even if the fooling around doesn't lead to sex for a while, help her to feel comfortable.
Yeah, that is more recently what I believe we have been trying to do. However, I'm not sure how to pleasure her, as she feels pain with even a finger insertion and I haven't been able to find out how (or even if) she can feel pleasure from her clitoris alone (I've tried praciticing with it, while her giving me feedback, but nothing really felt that good for her ). Sometimes she likes her nipples being played with, but others she says her boobs are "blah", whatever that means.

We haven't had sex in awhile, and I am accepting we won't.. I just want her to "want" intimacy with me again, or at least be really motivated to try :-\

 
Old 11-01-2007, 08:23 AM   #4
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: California, CA, USA
Posts: 1,117
Destea HB User
Re: Newlywed Sexual Problems

This may be better suited for the sex board - but I'm actually a woman in a very similar place to your wifes, diagnosed by my doctor w/ the same thing. The problem is, there are zero researches/studies that go into explaining how this pain starts, why, or how to rid yourself of it.

It's miserable. Imagine feeling like sandpaper is rubbing the inside of your belly button (as a man, since you can't imagine the other) every single time something rubs there. It is NOT a pleasant feeling and it's frustrating because almost no matter what you do you can't seem to prevent it! It's difficult to deal with when after enough times you know perfectly well anything being inserted down there is GOING to hurt - period. It's not even the fear of pain, there have been many times I've tried to loosen up to avoid the 'fear' factor w/ a few glasses of wine and unfortunately it doesn't help a bit.

My doctor once prescribed a lotion that you can put on (local anesthetic) about 5 - 10 minutes prior to intercourse to numb the area, which did help - however it felt so clinical each time we were going to do the deed. Most times I'll suck it up now and then for my DH's benefit - but sex is far from enjoyable and unfortunately there doesn't seem to be much either he or I can do about it despite multiple attempts with therpies/medications etc. It's just, simply, painful. Why wouldn't it feel like a chore if that was the case?

I feel bad for you, and horrible for her. It's not a fun situation for any couple to be in... and until the doctors of the world really start investigating the causes and possible fixes for this problem (outside of surgery which seems extreme... - they remove the troubled cells inside for some reason around the opening to avoid them getting enlarged and painful)... we're kind of stuck.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this, but trust me when I say on her behalf it's no walk in the park for us. I used to love being intimate with my husband - now it just hurts and it's beyond frustrating to be unable to get an answer for a medical professional as to WHY and how to fix it.

I think the best she can do is try to focus very hard on relaxing the muscles (reflex after having so much pain is to tighten/cringe/squeeze muscles as it is w/ any painful feeling) and use lots of warming up techniques.

As for UTI's, I had a stint about 2 years ago where I suffered from 8 in 10 months. It was HORRID. She should stock up on cranberry pills, and take them every single day with a large glass of water (even after you two have intercourse this is recommended). She should always go to the bathroom afterwards, as well. That's the #1 cause for most of the UTI's I've experienced. Cranberry helps concentrate the PH levels in the urinary tract and is a great help...

 
Old 11-01-2007, 08:25 AM   #5
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: California, CA, USA
Posts: 1,117
Destea HB User
Re: Newlywed Sexual Problems

Quote:
Originally Posted by jstar07 View Post
We haven't had sex in awhile, and I am accepting we won't.. I just want her to "want" intimacy with me again, or at least be really motivated to try :-\

And on one other note in regard to this... I really do feel for you, just as I do for my husband.

But if every time you reached for something you liked you felt a sharp pain in your head - would you be motivated to keep trying it? It's a hard fact. She needs to make an effort, I think, just as a wife to still do her best to offer intimacy or accept it once in a while (we're still on a pretty normal schedule, but as for me being motivated or pursuing him for it? Not likely. No one chases pain or looks forward to it, even if it's attached to something else we really like).

Good luck :\

 
Old 11-01-2007, 08:47 AM   #6
Newbie
(female)
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 1
jb10719 HB User
Re: Newlywed Sexual Problems

Quote:
Originally Posted by Destea View Post
It's miserable. Imagine feeling like sandpaper is rubbing the inside of your belly button (as a man, since you can't imagine the other) every single time something rubs there. It is NOT a pleasant feeling and it's frustrating because almost no matter what you do you can't seem to prevent it! It's difficult to deal with when after enough times you know perfectly well anything being inserted down there is GOING to hurt - period. It's not even the fear of pain, there have been many times I've tried to loosen up to avoid the 'fear' factor w/ a few glasses of wine and unfortunately it doesn't help a bit.
Wow! Your description is exactly how I've been feeling for the last 4 years. Unfortunately, I haven't found any help either. I've been diagnosed with fibromyalgia and interstitial cystitis. I've tried physical therapy and myofacial release, but neither have really helped.

Luckily, I have a very understanding husband, that has stuck with me for the last 12 years. I know it's not easy for him, but it's not easy for me either. The need to urinate and the sandpapery feeling are so painful. We maybe have intercourse once every couple of months. I've tried to do other things for him, but I haven't wanted any reciprocation. My pain seems to get worse after an orgasm and from the stimulation.

I guess I can't really offer any solutions, but I just wanted you too know that you're not the only ones. I love my husband very much and we're happy with every other aspect of our lives. I can't envision living my life with anyone else.

 
Old 11-01-2007, 10:06 AM   #7
Junior Member
(male)
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Mass
Posts: 14
jstar07 HB User
Re: Newlywed Sexual Problems

You say it is hard on the woman, but I believe it is only hard on the woman because I need sexual contact. My wife has lost much interest in sex (for good reason, I understand), so another week or month without sex is no problem for her. However, I feel empty and frustrated without that connection, it is depressing. Thank you for your input, but I think you and my wife don't understand how hard it is on the man -- I try so hard to find ways why the pain exists and fix it, yet you have the attitude that this is some unsolvable problem. My wife unfortunately shares this same idea. Am I suppose to forcefully suppress my sexual drive and accept a life of sexual dissatisfaction? The lack of sexual contact is just as frustrating as the mentality that "I'm broke, don't try and fix me, because I can't be fixed."

I'm not sure if can accept that.

 
Old 11-01-2007, 10:19 AM   #8
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: California, CA, USA
Posts: 1,117
Destea HB User
Re: Newlywed Sexual Problems

No actually, I feel very badly for my husband. I understand that sex for him is not simply some carnal desire that he enjoys because it's simply what he wants. It's important for him to have a connection with me and intimacy with me is what helps provide that - keeping us close, keeping his feelings strong and overall feelings satisfied. It's not just sex.

My husband and I still have sex weekly, at least once a week, but my pain could be slightly less than the next womans.

The problem is, you're assuming there is some fix that she can just go do. What I'm telling you through my year of research and working very closely with my medical professionals - is that literally THERE IS NO FIX right now. There is no easy answer, there's no hard answer. Outside of the suggested surgery (which would effect future child bearing/rearing possibilities) to remove the cells around the inside opening of her vagina, there is no cure. That's not to say there won't be, and that we shouldn't keep trying, but it's frustrating for a woman, too, to believe she's broken and there isn't a way she's been show to 'fix' her.

I don't just 'assume' there is no fix, you know? I want this gone, I want it completely out of my life - unfortunately no doctor can seem to give me an answer as to how to get there. My husband has been involved in these discussions, too.

It's hard on the woman because we very strongly feel it is our job to keep our husbands happy. To satisfy them, and to be intimate with them in a way a romantic relationship should be. When we know we're disappointing them, AND we have physical issues that are preventing us from getting where we'd like to be for us and for them, it's 10x more frustrating. We want to fix it - but do we want to hurt physically all of the time and ignore how it feels to us and only put our husbands desires first all of the time, too...?

It's a hard balance. A very hard balance. I want my husband to feel our marriage is fulfilling in every way, and it hurts me in more ways than one to know I can't completely get where I'd like to be.

I think you are right that we could easily go without sex. When something hurts you'd happily do without it or avoid it all costs if there were no ramifications.

There is a marriage to consider, though, and ramifications could be great if you ignore a pivital part (intimacy) due to this issue. So I see where you're coming from... I just don't know what answer to give you. She can try therapy, but from my experience unless she's coming from some sort of tramatic sexual experience and it's effecting how her body reacts to sexual encounters - it isn't going to do much for this issue. Until doctors realize this is an issue plaguing up to 10% of females and deem it worthy of real research... I feel like we're half out of luck.

 
Old 11-01-2007, 10:20 AM   #9
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 3,326
Blastoff9600 HB UserBlastoff9600 HB User
Re: Newlywed Sexual Problems

First step back and remember your wedding vows. In sickness and in health are the key ones Im thinking of. If you do truly love your wife you can put your sexual desires on the back burner for a bit and foucs on her. I know it isnt easy and I couldnt imagine being in your wife's shoes let alone yours. The reason I brought up the vows is you made promises to her. To stand by her in the bad and good times. Just happens you drew the short straw and the bad times are now with this issue. You also could look at it this way make it through this and your marriage will be stronger and you may not face any more bad times.
Sex isnt just inserting your penis or fingers in her vagina. For women sexual acts can involve our whole body. Massages,light touching, hugging, kissing, holding, and so on can help relax your wife. Dont focus on the act of intercourse(finger or penis) but focus on your wife's whole body. By focusing on that you can build up intimacy that doesnt involve actual intercourse. That kind of intimacy doesnt compare to intercourse intimacy. Granted intimacy from intercourse it great but mental intimacy is a whole other ballgame. Forget about her vagina and focus the rest of her body. Explore and learn that and once you have done that then start working toward actual intercourse again. There are plenty of books that can help you.
As for your wife's problem she is going to have to keep pushing her dr into finding out what is going on. If that dr cant help move on to another dr. Do research online to maybe find dr who are working on similiar issues. It wont be easy because like it has been said not many drs are working on this or similiar issues.
You should always remember the greatest sexual organ we have is our mind.
__________________
Married 3/25/95
DS 13 yr
DS 8 yr (3+ yrs ttc)
TTC #3 since 01/02

Last edited by Blastoff9600; 11-01-2007 at 10:25 AM.

 
Old 11-01-2007, 10:38 AM   #10
Junior Member
(male)
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Mass
Posts: 14
jstar07 HB User
Re: Newlywed Sexual Problems

This sexual problem has been ongoing for a year at least. When we got the vaginismus kit, I had to keep her on track, and she would often not do enough excersizes.. and she never finished the program (got to step 6 or 7 out of 10). It wasn't until about 2 months ago I got her to go see a doctor about the problem for the first time. When we were at the doctor, I had to do 90% of the talking because she was too shy. The doctor suggested we try out sex 2-3 times a week to work on it, because he thought her body might be "shutting down" from too little sexual action.. and we still only have sex 1-2 times a month. I suggested a sexual therapist, but she doesn't want to see one. We've had two "practice" sessions in the past 4 days, which was nice (where we didn't focus on sexual intercourse, but just trying to get comfortable with each others bodies).. but it wasn't without much frustration on my part before she decided to practice. Anyway, to sum up my rant, I feel there is a motivational problem on top of her pain to solve this (or at least find a workaround).

I don't really want to be online ragging on my wife which I do love.. but I am more sick of having to "nag" her for intimacy, which I am sure doesn't help anyway

 
Old 11-01-2007, 10:42 AM   #11
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: California, CA, USA
Posts: 1,117
Destea HB User
Re: Newlywed Sexual Problems

That definitely sounds true... she needs to want to do this for the marriage as much as for herself and for you. If she didn't follow through with the kit that's not a good sign - she should want this to be fixed. I know it's frustrating to spend $ and time doing a treatment that you feel isn't working (i've done pills, physical therapy, creams... unfortunately none of them paid off) but you have to keep trying them or at least finish the treatments before you give up

I'm not sure what to suggest in regard to her lack of motivation to help work on this... I know it can be very depressing going through this, on many levels, especially when you feel like nothing is working and it's hopeless. But... she needs to think about you and your marriage in this too. I'm sorry I can't be of more help... I don't know how to get people more motivated if they're not trying to help themselves :\

 
Old 11-01-2007, 10:48 AM   #12
Senior Veteran
(male)
 
pendulum's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Florianópolis, Brazil
Posts: 3,713
pendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB User
Re: Newlywed Sexual Problems

Quote:
Originally Posted by jstar07 View Post
...

I'm not sure if can accept that.
I was once told that a woman having had multiple c-sections was apt to experience pain with intercourse, but I am not sure if this is the same kind of pain the other posters were telling you about, and certainly it is not the very pain your wife feels. I presume she has never had a c-section before.

It is somewhat strange that you were having a decent sexual life before marriage and then after marriage, almost overnight (was it?), this problem began to affect you. I would think in the first place about the "stressful" situation of being married. I, too, had sex before my current marriage, and then it was excellent and frequent. As soon as we started to live together, there was less sex (and soon there were kids, too) and a lot more stress. But there was never any case of pain during intercourse. That is why I said your case was somewhat strange. I am trying to find a link, but I can't.

I feel for you, because you are probably a young man and you love your wife. I know it is difficult, but I would beseech you not to be too hard on her. I don't think it is an unsolvable problem, either. Maybe the best advice for you is to look for an answer elsewhere. First both of you could go through a general medical check-up just to see if everything is in order. Put the sexual concerns aside for a while. Check to see how the rest of your organs are working fine. You are not only a penis, and she is not only a vagina. Change your diets and lifestyle accordingly. Do things together. Go out together. Have fun. Focus on other areas of your life. Sex is very important in the first years - I agree - but it is not everything. If you can heal other areas first, then maybe the sexual area will heal of itself. Just my two cents.

Well, during this chaste period, both of you may need a kind of release, probably you will need it more. If masturbation is somehow impossible or if it feels inadequate for you, then proceed to have sex, but make it as long as possible with lots of foreplay, and don't feed on the obsessive objective of reaching an orgasm. Just accept your limitations, if any. If your frustration persists after some time, then maybe your wife should be convinced to enter therapy. It could be sex-oriented therapy. Since a prophet is not without honour except in his own country, it is not up to you to convince her, but a third party, maybe her doctor.

Good luck to you, and don't give in yet.

 
Old 11-01-2007, 01:12 PM   #13
Junior Member
(male)
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Mass
Posts: 14
jstar07 HB User
Re: Newlywed Sexual Problems

The problem didn't happen overnight... its been generally getting worse. Sex just keeps slowly but consistantly drifting away. At first, we would drive off into the woods to have sex in the backseat of her car, stopping at the store to pickup lube just for this one moment. Now, it doesn't take much to not even try to practice in our own bed on a night we have nothing really better to do

These past few days, I've been making it a point to really put an effort into working on this problem. We've discussed this before, and we would have an OK sex session (some pain, some pleasure...), and we would go back to normal until the next sexual frustrating event -- and it didn't seem like we were making any progress at a decent sex life. So now I am posting this online, and I think its starting to hit home with my wife just as much as it has been hitting me... for better or worse. :-\

 
Old 11-01-2007, 01:36 PM   #14
Senior Veteran
(male)
 
pendulum's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Florianópolis, Brazil
Posts: 3,713
pendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB User
Re: Newlywed Sexual Problems

Quote:
Originally Posted by jstar07 View Post
... and I think its starting to hit home with my wife just as much as it has been hitting me... for better or worse. :-\
Just my gut feeling: it is probably something psychological, not physical. As if each of you were going in a different direction, diverging, so to say. You want sex for sex, and she wants sex for... wait a minute! What did you marry in the first place? Has she never expressed her desire to have children?

 
Old 11-01-2007, 01:44 PM   #15
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: California, CA, USA
Posts: 1,117
Destea HB User
Re: Newlywed Sexual Problems

Hehe... pyschological? That's an interesting theory, but because there are thousands of women a year that out of the blue have this reaction after some infection and suddenly have constant intercourse pain I'd say the odds of it being pyschological are slim at best.

My husband and I had a very very active 2 years sexually during the beginning our relationship, it tapered off a little around year 3, though not a WHOLE lot, and then about 3 months before we were married I was diagnosed with my issue after finally looking into the painful intercourse thing.

I'm guessing the problem has gotten worse just because as she had more time to experience the pain she's gotten more hesitant to really get into it That is definitely a bummer, I really hope she's going to work with you on trying to keep fighting this. It's not easy but I'm still making an effort - honestly 3 times a week would be rough for me, the idea of being in pain for nearly 50% of the weeks evenings is not appealing, but one or two nights? That doesn't seem unreasonable... maybe there's hope if you're right and she is starting to realize that this is a real problem.

She's got to get over this shy thing - if she doesn't at least try to talk about it with a doctor they have no way of trying to find a way to help her properly. Only she knows how it feels, you know?

 
Closed Thread

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
Male sexual problems. Way too young! DeadSynapse Sexual Health - Men 17 07-10-2010 08:14 PM
newlywed no interest Chubbycheeks Sexual Health - General 5 05-20-2009 07:17 PM
How do you handle Sexual Side Effects anytwo Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) 9 11-28-2006 01:05 AM
Sexual Abuse vieuphoria_girl Rape / Sexual Abuse 7 04-14-2006 12:49 PM
Sexual problems. GSudo Sexual Health - Men 0 07-06-2005 12:12 PM




Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Sign Up Today!

Ask our community of thousands of members your health questions, and learn from others experiences. Join the conversation!

I want my free account

All times are GMT -7. The time now is 10:52 PM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.com™
Terms of Use © 1998-2014 HealthBoards.com™ All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!