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Old 02-16-2008, 08:41 PM   #1
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My husband doesn't sleep in the same bed with me, help!

I'm 37 years old. My husband and I started dating at 19, he asked me to marry him before I turned 20, but I wasn't ready for that. He was extremely in love with me and we did everything together, and went everywhere together. We were together for 6 years, then broke up for 2 and 1/2 years and dated other people. We broke up becasue I left to another college and was gone for a couple of years, and I thought he was probably seeing other people, so I suggested we should. The problem is...I dated several other people during our break up, he dated one for a couple of years! But he was the one who chased me down to get back together. We've been back together 10 years now.

It seemed great at first, just like long ago. We decided to move in, get married and have a child. But things took a wrong turn early on. His mother had passed away not long before we got back together. He kept blaming mean behavior on her death. A few months after our child was born, I thought I overheard him telling his father, "he wished he could have made it work", and then I heard his father saying, "it bother's me too, but you have your son now, "it's" in the past". That's all I heard and they were on the porch. What was "its', his mom or the girl?

And, after I got pregnant he STOPPED sleeping in the same bed with me (and our child is 9 now) and has never done it again sinse, except on rare occasion about 6or 7 years ago! He doesn't hold me after sex or anything! He makes up excuses:

---he says my bed is uncomfortable, he needs the TV blasting while he sleeps, he's not comfortable anywhere except the couch. He's nice sometimes, but he's never been the totally "in love" guy ever again. He never wants to talk either.

Not only that, he NEVER goes anywhere with me, he makes up excuses that he doesn't want to go. We've gone to a couple of family things at xmas, and once a year family barbecue, and several years ago we used to go to a couple of friend's parties but that's it. Never out to eat, no movies, no dates, no grocery store trips together, no shopping, no vacations. And no sleeping in the same bed. Not only that, most of the time he bluntly acts like he doesn't want me to go places with him. "I take too long to get ready". He doesn't feel like "waiting on me at the store to look at what I want". He was NEVER this way before when we were together.

He says he wants to buy me a new car, and a house soon. He thinks business is picking up with his small company. That's great, right? Then why do I want to find another man after all these years together because I don't want to live this way anymore? Why do I think he cared about that other girl, and never cared for me again. The "wished he could have made it work", that I heard still haunts me because of his behavior. Did he only want me back 10 years ago because the other girl he dated dumped him? He says he was talking about his mother then, but how with a statement like that? He says "he" was the one who left the girl he dated.

A lot of guys were chasing me when we got back together, I never expected this. Am I an idealist? Is this the way it gets? Is life supposed to be like the show "Married With Children"? Am I wrong to want to leave? Was he dumped 10 years ago, and ONLY wanted me back for that reason? Is this why he treats me this way? I think I made a terrible mistake. Some people make comments I should be lucky to have someone (who are single) Am I giving up a good thing? Please help! I need all the opinions I can get, don't be afraid to be blunt! Please be very blunt, I need to hear it all.

Last edited by UnluckyInLove; 02-16-2008 at 09:57 PM.

 
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Old 02-16-2008, 11:03 PM   #2
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Re: My husband doesn't sleep in the same bed with me, help!

Unlucky, I am really sorry that your marriage has become so unbearable. I was married for 11 years and my marriage became a little bit like yours. However, my husband was an alcoholic, but it got to the point where we never slept in the same bed. We did go places, though and spent time together when he wasn't drunk.

As for your question about marriage getting this way, I don't know. My mom and step dad never sleep in the same room and my husband's parents don't either. I think it's sad, but I think it has a lot to do with couples that stop trying. A lot of people get into a comfort zone when they're married and they feel they don't have to work at it. In your case, have you discussed your worries with your husband about this woman from the past? Have you also told him that it bothers you that you don't have a very close relationship?

If you have and he refuses to do anything (go to counseling, etc) then I think you need to decide if this is the kind of life that you want. I made the decision to file for divorce because I was tired of being a part time wife--I only got affection and attention when he wasn't drinking and on his terms and that wasn't enough for me. I don't think that there is such a thing as a perfect marriage, but I do know that both people have to at least try to make things work. Hope this helps. Good luck!

 
Old 02-17-2008, 09:10 AM   #3
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Re: My husband doesn't sleep in the same bed with me, help!

I don't think what you over heard had anything to do with his mother. Why would his father bring up your son in relation to his mother? sounds to me like he was either talking about his relationship with this other woman, or with you. In any case, a relationship that he couldn't make work.

It sounds to me like your husband doesn't enjoy being married to you very much. I tend to think you get what you settle for in life. If him buying you things like a car and a house is all there is to being a good husband or having a good marriage, then Id' say you don't have a problem, but obviously there is more to a happy marriage than having a husband who's willing to buy you stuff.

I'd say figure out what you want out of marriage, out of life, and then sit down and have a long talk with your husband, and even perhaps counseling will help you. If he's unwilling to meet you halfway, then you have a choice to make. Go on living a miserable life of quiet desperation, or go for something more. A difficult choice, I know. It just depends on where your priorities are.

 
Old 02-17-2008, 09:40 AM   #4
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Re: My husband doesn't sleep in the same bed with me, help!

What you overheard should not be the issue. It is his attitude that is inexcusable. I know it is hard to have an open discussion about it. I suppose you feel too proud to ask him? Yet if you plan to leave, which I hope you do if he had no reason to treat you as such, then probably a heart-to-heart IS necessary. The reason why I am suggesting this is he might be depressed about his mum's death? Are there other signs of him wanting that other girl except for that one call? If not I would not dwell on it because you are only speculating.
Yes don't waste your life unloved. You deserve to be fully appreciated and treasured. Do what it takes to resolve these issues.

 
Old 02-17-2008, 10:44 AM   #5
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Re: My husband doesn't sleep in the same bed with me, help!

Wow!!! and you have stayed together all these years for what? I suspect he would of done the same thing to the 'other one' but you got the luck of the draw and married him. There are some guys/gals that only like the chase but not the catch. You are still young so if it were me I would be gone so fast and if you work and can support yourself and your son go to a divorce lawyer now and find out your rights in your state and then leave. If you don't work then get a job or go back to school so you can get a job to support yourself. I suspect you will not even feel the difference except you will be free of your current 'roommate'. I can't imagine how anyone could be content to live as you two have and call it a marriage or to even call him your husband. What you describe is a roommate situation. I'm not really sure why you would of stayed with him all these years but perhaps you need to just be by yourself in your own place and realize you have something to offer in a good relationship. I don't really see any hope now for any marriage counseling...since I suspect your 'husband' hasn't mentioned wanting to make a better marriage. I think he has his perfect life. So maybe now it is your turn? Good luck!

 
Old 02-17-2008, 09:54 PM   #6
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Re: My husband doesn't sleep in the same bed with me, help!

Thanks for everyone's input. I appreciate it. I have asked him about all of these things. He gets defensive, makes up excuses. I guess it's just been so hard to believe for me, because we were together so long before, and he was so in love with me and he acted very different.

It was so hard to believe he would chase me down, have a child with me, and then say those things I overhead. I thought he was extremely grateful to get back togehter. He had told me if he could have me back it would feel like he'd won the lottery! So how could he say what he did, two years later after our child was born? I don't know. I wasn't sure what I heard at the time, so I didn't try and deal with it. It seems like I've only thought of it again with feelings that I want to leave now, and with the realization that I've been lying to myself.

It's like it finally hit me that he will never be that person again from long ago, and that I've been living on past memories. That's how and why I stayed in it so long. Again, thanks for everyone's opinions. I can definately use all I can get.

 
Old 02-18-2008, 03:54 AM   #7
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Re: My husband doesn't sleep in the same bed with me, help!

Goodness, you want and deserve a partner, friend and lover in marriage. I think life is too short to be married to someone like this. I am curious, how does he treat your son? Is he a good father?

Your son is learning how to treat his future wife by how he sees your husband treating you. I think it is so important for children to see love and affection between two parents.

 
Old 02-18-2008, 04:39 AM   #8
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Re: My husband doesn't sleep in the same bed with me, help!

Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnD View Post
Wow!!! and you have stayed together all these years for what? I suspect he would of done the same thing to the 'other one' but you got the luck of the draw and married him. There are some guys/gals that only like the chase but not the catch. You are still young so if it were me I would be gone so fast and if you work and can support yourself and your son go to a divorce lawyer now and find out your rights in your state and then leave. If you don't work then get a job or go back to school so you can get a job to support yourself. I suspect you will not even feel the difference except you will be free of your current 'roommate'. I can't imagine how anyone could be content to live as you two have and call it a marriage or to even call him your husband. What you describe is a roommate situation. I'm not really sure why you would of stayed with him all these years but perhaps you need to just be by yourself in your own place and realize you have something to offer in a good relationship. I don't really see any hope now for any marriage counseling...since I suspect your 'husband' hasn't mentioned wanting to make a better marriage. I think he has his perfect life. So maybe now it is your turn? Good luck!
Hi Annd
Funny you mention the phrase the chase and not the catch My husband had several flings over our 20 year marriage and his statement to me on why was exactly it was the chase What the heck does that statement mean
He says he does not want to leave and is sorry for all of it We never had a terrible sex life so when I found out I was floored He went to a counseler for about 6 months and was a little better but stopped after we had a huge arguement about the chase issue
Still a year later I still do not really trust him or love him the way I did before I also started going to a counseler to help me through my anxiety over this whole thing I am also dealing with Lyme disease so that tops it all off
Anyway looking for another opinion on what the meaning of the chase is Is it an attention thing He has low self esteam from lots of years of perfection abuse from his father and the therapist from what he told me said it was a learned habit from seeing his parents do such things mostly his dad and I think finally his mother had enough so she found someone else before she left his dad and in his mind she was doing thew same thing so he felt this was normal from what he explained to me No excuse as far as I am concerned since I grew up with a single mom with 6 kids under the age of 9 and absolutely nothing sometimes including food and heat and I don't consider myself to have any delayed excuses for my behavior

Thanks Ryebeach

Last edited by ryebeach; 02-18-2008 at 04:44 AM. Reason: mis typing

 
Old 02-18-2008, 04:47 AM   #9
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Re: My husband doesn't sleep in the same bed with me, help!

Quote:
Originally Posted by UnluckyInLove View Post
Some people make comments I should be lucky to have someone (who are single) Am I giving up a good thing?
Clearly, those "people" to whom you're referring are morons. Please don't listen to what they are saying. The fact is, people who say that are just desperate and wish they had someone, anyone in their life because they are miserable and haven't learned how to be alone. I've been single my whole life (with the exception of some lame bfs along the way), and I'd never say that to someone who is stuck in a miserable marriage, because it's just NOT TRUE!

What they are referring to is "settling", which is the worst thing you can do for yourself. I think you should get out now while you can, and don't look back. You're definitely NOT giving up a "good thing". Because, how can anyone look at this relationship and think it's a good thing? From all of the stuff you've posted, it looks like a farce and the sooner you get out of it, the sooner you can have a normal life again.

 
Old 02-18-2008, 09:01 AM   #10
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Re: My husband doesn't sleep in the same bed with me, help!

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Originally Posted by Kszan View Post
Clearly, those "people" to whom you're referring are morons. Please don't listen to what they are saying. The fact is, people who say that are just desperate and wish they had someone, anyone in their life because they are miserable and haven't learned how to be alone. I've been single my whole life (with the exception of some lame bfs along the way), and I'd never say that to someone who is stuck in a miserable marriage, because it's just NOT TRUE!

What they are referring to is "settling", which is the worst thing you can do for yourself. I think you should get out now while you can, and don't look back. You're definitely NOT giving up a "good thing". Because, how can anyone look at this relationship and think it's a good thing? From all of the stuff you've posted, it looks like a farce and the sooner you get out of it, the sooner you can have a normal life again.
This is how I feel.

Last edited by UnluckyInLove; 02-18-2008 at 05:39 PM.

 
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