Where did the love and attraction go? and when did it leave?
At one point we all were attracted to our mates [physically] so much so that holding, touching, kissing, and generally being in the presence of them were a turn on. I mean what straight guy would not want to be snuggled up to some sexually attractive woman, or what straight woman would not want to kiss and be in the arms of a sexually attractive man?
At some point this attraction faded, to the point where deep kisses that made the juices flow [literally] turned into meaningless pecks. Being held, touching, exploring and physical foreplay has become a thing of the past and hardly gets to the holding hands part.
Why does it seem strange for a couple of some years to be affectionate towards each other like they did when they first met? Why is it accepted as normal and why don't people do something about it when it fades away?
Last edited by Mod-S4; 05-21-2008 at 07:07 PM.
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I think that when it gets to that point of kissing, and holding hands don't matter it just means that people change, as life does.
If me and my boyfriend were to be really affectionate one day, and then the next day it didn't matter it would be a huge blow to me and I would be extremely upset because time hadn't gone by, there was no change..
However, if we happen to be together 10-20-30 years from now and we get to that point of affection doesn't matter anymore we would probably be so used to it because we were changing over time/years. Some times when life changes we don't really notice it, we just go with it without ever batting an eye.
That's just my opinion.
But if it is something that someone misses and wants back and there doing nothing about, to me that means laziness. or lack of wanting it enough. Or it's a one sided thing.
I think that when it gets to that point of kissing, and holding hands don't matter it just means that people change, as life does.
Thats a cop out.
Life = Change
Change does not have to = degradation
Because you accept, and worse yet expect less over time, it just erodes the meaning and value of the relationship.
Because I get old I have an excuse to get dumber and dumber because life changes over time, if I got dumb in one day then that would be a problem, but if it happened over time its ok???????? Somehow that logic just doesnt sound right.
How about the motto.....If you know better, DO BETTER.
Dynobot, I have to somewhat agree with Nicole27 about life and changing over time.
My DH and I have been married going on 23 years. He is 43 and I am 41. In the beginning, our sex life was great. We were young and free to do when and what we wanted.
Over time and having kids, priorities change. Life takes over.
My DH can and would have sex 3 and 4 times a day if he could, but I cannot. For one, I work a full time job, come home and start me 2nd job looking after our 6 year old and doing all of the house chores. By the time a finally get all my stuff done, I want to go to sleep, not feel like I have one more chore to do.
I do not always feel that way. There are times when I will want to and he will not. I accept that, but heaven forbid, I refuse, and it's like I become this cold prude or something like that.
I'm not saying that a busy life is an excuse to ignore your sex life, but it tends to hinder it just a bit.
Do you have children at home? Do you help your wife with chores, etc...?
All the above is just my honest opinion. The love has not left, it maybe just changed forms. Just because she doesn't want sex as much as you or doesn't enjoy it as much as you does not mean the love is gone.
I have read some of your other posts and it also made me wonder if your wife might have been sexually abused at some point in her life. I was and I really believe that has made me some of how I am. Just a thought.
Last edited by tlhalabama; 05-22-2008 at 10:19 AM.
Reason: spelling
Dynobot, I have to somewhat agree with Nicole27 about life and changing over time.
My DH and I have been married going on 23 years. He is 43 and I am 41. In the beginning, our sex life was great. We were young and free to do when and what we wanted.
Over time and having kids, priorities change. Life takes over.
My DH can and would have sex 3 and 4 times a day if he could, but I cannot. For one, I work a full time job, come home and start me 2nd job looking after our 6 year old and doing all of the house chores. By the time a finally get all my stuff done, I want to go to sleep, not feel like I have one more chore to do.
I do not always feel that way. There are times when I will want to and he will not. I accept that, but heaven forbid, I refuse, and it's like I become this cold prude or something like that.
I'm not saying that a busy life is an excuse to ignore your sex life, but it tends to hinder it just a bit.
Do you have children at home? Do you help your wife with chores, etc...?
All the above is just my honest opinion. The love has not left, it maybe just changed forms. Just because she doesn't want sex as much as you or doesn't enjoy it as much as you does not mean the love is gone.
I have read some of your other posts and it also made me wonder if your wife might have been sexually abused at some point in her life. I was and I really believe that has made me some of how I am. Just a thought.
I appreciate your answer.
Yes I do have children, 2 in fact. I am just about 42 years old myself and I know the whole full time job/child raising/take care of the house routine. I work full time, go to school part time nights, cook dinner on most nights [at least 4 times a week], grocery shop, mop, vacuum, do yard work etc. etc. Being mentally tired is an everyday occurrence and there is often so much on my plate that I don't know what to do next. My wife is 40 and she also works full time and does her share of the house work. I cant say that I get so tired that I don't enjoy affection though. Lets put having sex aside for the moment. Affection itself doesn't take much energy and does wonders for the relationship as well as self esteem, I mean who doesn't feel better after a real heart felt kiss and some warm affection? Busy day or not 60 seconds of exchanging affection is a small price to pay and amounts to very very little maintenance. After all, your car and your health aren't the only things that need regular maintenance....we tend to forget about our relationships and assume or take for granted that once married and strapped with obligations no maintenance is required. I guess maybe not, if all you want is to satisfy the goal of saying your married and having someone there to fix things. I on the other hand like continuous improvement or at the very least a sustained level of performance. So sure I expect and want affection today and hope I will when I am 50, 60 an so on... It boggles my mind that people will put so little effort and learning into something that "should" be so important. I mean we spend years in college taking class after class, but the average person has not read any more than a article in a paper on how to keep a good growing relationship. In fact I have seen people put more time into learning how to make a meal, than what is spent on learning how to maintain a relationship. Now, sex...sure it takes a bit longer and requires more effort but still life goes on, the bill will still be in the mail box, the kid will still need something, work will always require a certain amount of time and effort for some part of the week. But sex to me is like maybe a hot soaking bath to some, its my time to unwind and let the troubles of the world go on without me. To each his/her own I guess, I for one would rather put some time and effort into maintaining my relationship and encouraging it to grow continuously instead of putting it to the side like an old potted plant [giving it some occasional water but otherwise ignoring it].
Dynobot, I too enjoy affection. I think I enjoy that more than sex itself. I believe that you need the affection to build up to other things. The affection is the glue in the relationship in my opinion.
My DH and I are still affectionate to one another. We hold hands, kiss, etc.. quite often, but a woman wants to be flattered and complimented not treated like apiece of meat.
My DH is a good man and treats me pretty well. We do have some issues that we are dealing with and the sex department seems to be getting a little busier.
Good luck to you. Maybe by reading your posts, I can gather information to help my DH. He sounds a lot like you.
I do realize I my sound passionate about relationships and affection but I didnt mean to come across as hostile or angry.
But I don't resent you or anyone else...if your lifestyle works for you then great. I just dont think its healthy.
I'm not talking about you in particular.....just love in general.....
if resentment is allowed to build up, it kills love....
I don't understand your comment about my lifestyle not being healthy.....would you like to elaborate?
Dynobot, I too enjoy affection. I think I enjoy that more than sex itself. I believe that you need the affection to build up to other things. The affection is the glue in the relationship in my opinion.
My DH and I are still affectionate to one another. We hold hands, kiss, etc.. quite often, but a woman wants to be flattered and complimented not treated like apiece of meat.
My DH is a good man and treats me pretty well. We do have some issues that we are dealing with and the sex department seems to be getting a little busier.
Good luck to you. Maybe by reading your posts, I can gather information to help my DH. He sounds a lot like you.
Hi, I too will try to acquire some insight from your posts and way of thinking. I hope I didnt come across as saying men should treat women as meat, I was speaking of mutual affection.
I wouldnt go as far as to say me and your DH are similar, I'm sure he is a unique individual, though we may have some small aspect of common interest.
One reason some women do not show affection more is because a man takes that to mean she is ready for a romp in the sack!! Women are human too and need to rest at end of the day.
Many women have another 8 hrs. work when they get home from work. Men come home, prop up their feet, watch TV or play on the computer waiting for their supper to be served and kids put to bed.
It is not only women that seem to change but men also do. That is referred to as growing old together. Many times men slow down initiating affection just as much as women do.
One reason some women do not show affection more is because a man takes that to mean she is ready for a romp in the sack!! Women are human too and need to rest at end of the day.
Many women have another 8 hrs. work when they get home from work. Men come home, prop up their feet, watch TV or play on the computer waiting for their supper to be served and kids put to bed.
It is not only women that seem to change but men also do. That is referred to as growing old together. Many times men slow down initiating affection just as much as women do.
Really...I can honestly say I dont know any man at work or otherwise who comes home and does nothing but watch TV and/or play on the computer.
But its nice to read the comments....Thanks for your input!
To all those who have responded to this thread....I Thank You for your input and opinion on the topic. I realize that I may sound idealistic and opinionated concerning this issue, but it is not to put anyone off or meant to be offensive.
I would like to ask a question related to "Things Changing". First off I take it that those who responded are either married or in a long term relationship. So I would like to ask, if you found yourself single would/could feelings of passion or arousal be rekendaled from your emotions or have things changed so much that not even a new relationship at this point in your life would resemble one of your youth....ie, regular affection [hugging, kissing, touching, etc]
I'm not talking about you in particular.....just love in general.....
if resentment is allowed to build up, it kills love....
I don't understand your comment about my lifestyle not being healthy.....would you like to elaborate?
Sorry mine was a general statement too....I just meant that a healthy relationship/lifestyle is one that has ongoing mutual displays of affection which includes sex. I really dont buy into the life/time changes things, we all have brains which allows us to evaluate and improve any situation regardless of natural change.
Some of what I was tryng to say is reflected in the words of misty800's reply.
My DH also works a full time job (self employed), but it seems that when he gets home, his day is done.
That is where my resentment comes in. I feel that I am doing everything when I get home while he watches TV or goes to hangout with his friends. Don't come up to wanting some loving while I'm doing chores and you've been doing whatever you want.
And as far as the affection part goes, it's sad to say, but yes that would all be rekindled with a new relationship.
I know I must sound like a very bitter lady, but honestly, I am not. I am a very loving person. I love compliments and the right kind of attention. I want time spent on me and helping me. I love my DH dearly and am not looking for a "new" relationship. I am willing to work at the one I have as we have so much time invested. If you read some of my other posts, it may show you why I am the way I am.
This topic so fits where my H and I are in our marriage......
We have been married 20 yrs--dated for 10, so together for 30 yrs! (ack) We have fell into a a heartbreaking slump for the past 5-6 yrs sad to say. Our sex is great when we have it--2-3 times a month We never do ANYTHING together, never go out on dates, we have nothing in common at all. He sleeps on the couch infront of his big screen tv, while I sleep in our marital bed alone 5 x's out of the week, hoping everynight will be the night he comes to bed. Our bond has been broken, I beleive it can not be repaired. We just coexist together for the sake of our children 16/14. I am so ready to move on, there has got to be a more exciting life out there than this. I am fairly attractive, not heavy--I can find someone out there that can share the rest of my life doing things together that we both have in common. I feel very stuck and I don't know what to do---should I stay or should I go---life is too short to wait for his affection and attention. Just putting my laundry out there---thanks for reading. Good Luck all.....
Some of what I was tryng to say is reflected in the words of misty800's reply.
.....
If you read some of my other posts, it may show you why I am the way I am.
tlhalabama, I appreciate your honesty and your comments!
Funny how life goes...this is actually my second marriage, the first lasting 13 years, this marriage now is on year 5. In my first marriage my wife worked part time and I worked full time. But still I did most of everything around the house and with the kids [including ALL the kids homework with them] and made dinner each and everyday as well as breakfast and lunch on weekends. On top of everything I still had a very strong sex drive and was and still am very affectionate. It seems though, as life would have it, the more I did and the more affectionate I became the more she resented me and pushed away my affection. It got so bad that I honestly could not even touch her in any way, hug , kiss or otherwise without being totally rejected. Of course I could not live like that and "I" found a marriage counselor and put us through counseling, but she still would not have anything to do with improving the relationship or marriage in any way shape or form....so of course it ended.
You see, not all men put forth minimal to no effort and not all men who do put forth effort get rewarded with in kind effort. Now with nearly 20 years of marriage and relationship experience under my belt and yes reading books [whole entire books] about relationships and marriage and one that I am sure it hard to believe....taking a college course on the "Psychology of Women" to help me understand to female mind. So at the other end of the spectrum, I stand as a man who does way more than his share and rarely gets equal returns. Even now, in this marriage I am the lead and the stability...which frankly I am getting tired of.
This topic so fits where my H and I are in our marriage......
Just putting my laundry out there---thanks for reading. Good Luck all.....
Angie, thanks for sharing.
I understand where you are coming from BELIEVE me! And what I really don't understand is how people can accept living like that....obviously you can not and seek a warm growing relationship. And no, the length of time together is not an excuse for a dead lifeless, loveless, emotionless relationship with no affection. Sharing love and affection is and should be a normal part of any human beings life. I just dont understand how people can settle for a co-habitation life style.
) We have fell into a a heartbreaking slump for the past 5-6 yrs sad to say. Our sex is great when we have it--2-3 times a month 
We never do ANYTHING together, never go out on dates, we have nothing in common at all. He sleeps on the couch infront of his big screen tv, while I sleep in our marital bed alone 5 x's out of the week, hoping everynight will be the night he comes to bed. Our bond has been broken, I beleive it can not be repaired. We just coexist together for the sake of our children 16/14. I am so ready to move on, there has got to be a more exciting life out there than this. I am fairly attractive, not heavy--I can find someone out there that can share the rest of my life doing things together that we both have in common. I feel very stuck and I don't know what to do---should I stay or should I go---life is too short to wait for his affection and attention. Just putting my laundry out there---thanks for reading. Good Luck all.....
