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Old 05-25-2008, 01:43 AM   #1
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Girlfriend can't orgasm

I've been with my girlfriend about three months, she's almost 20 and I just turned 24. Our relationship is really good all around, she's going to the college I recently graduated from, she's smart, intelligent, funny, all that great stuff. The only quasi-problem with our relationship is the sex. Not so much in the amount or quality (for me anyways), but in that I cannot get her to reach orgasm no matter what I try. She was a virgin before we had sex about a couple weeks ago, and she claims that she's never had an orgasm in her life and has never even attempted to masturbate. She had a long term boyfriend for a little over a year, but he was a religious guy and wanted to wait until marriage so it never happened for them.

I'm a bit more sexually experienced than her (to say the least) and have had about 5-6 partners, all of whom I could make orgasm consistently. I have more of a giving/nurturing personality than most guys I guess you could say, so its important for me to have my partner be pleased during sex. I know that all women are different and I've tried all different kinds of vaginal and clitoral stimulation, but to no avail. I've even had her guide my tongue/fingers to the right spot just incase I was being overconfident and was actually totally off the mark, but the only reaction I really get is that it "feels good" but nothing spectacular.

I know it's only been a few months and that it might be premature to jump to conclusions, but I'm kind of at a loss. Part of the excitement to me with sex is getting off on how turned on my partner is and by how much they are pleased. Knowing that she is not feeling what I'm feeling and that she won't reach orgasm is actually slowly becoming a turn-off for me. She assures me that it still feels good and that she highly enjoys herself regardless, but I figure that's because she doesn't know what she's missing. I don't even bring up the word orgasm anymore because I'm afraid I am making her think too much about it rather than just enjoying the moment and letting herself go, but it's kind of a catch-22 because not talking about it isn't going to make things any better in that regard.

Can some women just not reach orgasm? Is she not comfortable enough with me sexually yet to just relax and let herself go? It makes me feel a little better to know that it isn't me and that I'm doing everything humanly possible to please her, but it always eats at me just a little bit. I've mentioned that she should try to masturbate when she's alone or in the mood to see if anything good happens, but she almost scoffs at the idea and kind of sees herself masturbating as weird or odd. Any ideas to improve or work out the kinks?

 
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Old 05-25-2008, 02:17 AM   #2
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Re: Girlfriend can't orgasm

so she never had an orgasm with her previous partner? I mean even if he wanted to wait until he was married they could have still had oral sex or reaced orgasm through other ways...??
If there was no sexual pleasure at all in her past relationship then my guess is that she is just not used to it, its definetly not you. Keep trying, she probably just needs to feel more comfortable with you til she can fully let herself go (i know i am like that). It sounds like its only psychological. Does she get into it and seem like she wants to reach orgasm but just 'cant' .. I think a good idea would be just to keep reasurring her that she is pleasing you and tell her how much you like it, and keep trying with her and eventually im sure she will.
Yeah good not to keep mentioning it to her, because this will just put pressure on her and then all she will be thinking during sex is that she has to orgasm and she wont be able to.
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Old 05-25-2008, 04:50 AM   #3
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Re: Girlfriend can't orgasm

Quote:
Originally Posted by CyberNick View Post
I've been with my girlfriend about three months, she's almost 20 and I just turned 24....The only quasi-problem with our relationship is the sex. Not so much in the amount or quality (for me anyways), but in that I cannot get her to reach orgasm no matter what I try.
Dont worry about it, stop talking about it and just enjoy the experience. It will happen sooner or later. The purpose of having sex is NOT to have an orgasm in the first place, if it happens it happens. 99% of the enjoyment of having sex is everything that leads up to the orgasm. Have a bit more foreplay, take the time to explore each others bodies, kiss deeply, let yourselves get rapped up in the experience without thinking about having an orgasm and just let things happen.

Most of the time I dont have an orgasm myself, I dont really care because I can be totally satisfied without one. Think of it this way, if having sex where like eating a good meal and an orgasm like the end result of getting full. You dont have to get full every time you eat, just enjoy and savor the meal without thinking about when it will be over or if your going to get full. Treat sex like eating chocolate, getting full is not the goal but enjoying the flavor is....

 
Old 05-25-2008, 06:55 PM   #4
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Re: Girlfriend can't orgasm

Wow. I feel very much like the original poster. But, that was so well worded, and there was so much truth in it. It took me a long time to learn it.
The way you expressed it was lovely, Dynobot.

 
Old 05-26-2008, 04:24 AM   #5
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Re: Girlfriend can't orgasm

Quote:
Originally Posted by tommy124 View Post
Wow. I feel very much like the original poster. But, that was so well worded, and there was so much truth in it. It took me a long time to learn it.
The way you expressed it was lovely, Dynobot.
Thank You Tommy,

A long time ago I started to learn about Tantra, I just love to learn about new things. But my goal was to become better at giving, receiving, and experiencing sex. I was lucky enough in my life to have one partner whom I was able to actually enjoy the full sexual experience with and because of the normal male refractory period after an orgasm my experience was cut short a few times. It was then that I saw clearly how much the total experience of sex can easily out weigh an orgasm. There were times that I actually had real male orgasms, which were similar to a womans orgasm....no semen but just a huge entire body experience of wave upon wave of orgasmic pleasure. I didn't believe it was possible.

Anyways, as life would have it the irony of the world kicked in and now I have no hopes of ever living that type of sexual life again in my marriage.

I always encourage people to learn more about the things in life they take for granted, sex and relationships being two of the more important ones. Very few people take the time to actually learn about sex or relationships, they just hit the ground running as if the knowledge required for excellent results is somehow automatically built into their minds.

 
Old 05-27-2008, 02:37 PM   #6
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Re: Girlfriend can't orgasm

Many (some studies say most) women have first orgasms in their twenties or later. Give it time, keep experimenting, having fun, it'll probably happen sooner or later. And if it doesn't, it was still fun, wasn't it.

 
Old 05-27-2008, 07:42 PM   #7
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Re: Girlfriend can't orgasm

I understand that sex isn't all about having an orgasm. And I know that in the beginning it's all about that connection, the excitement of experiencing someone sexually for the first time, hearts racing, etc. Not that sex isn't always exciting, being a male and not having to worry about "getting off" I guess you could say.

I guess I just feel that in time if this doesn't improve for her then she will start to see sex as more of a chore to please me rather than a good and fulfilling experience. Maybe it's just something I'm overthinking since every other aspect of our relationship is really good, but we've already discussed the fact that neither of us are really the type to enter into a relationship sporadically or without the intentions of it turning into something meaningful and long-term. I know she is young, but she is emotionally mature way beyond her years, and way more than I was at 20 years old.

I guess I'll just wait it out and try not to worry about things so much. I have an overanalytical personality so it's hard to just relax sometimes.

 
Old 05-27-2008, 08:59 PM   #8
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Re: Girlfriend can't orgasm

I became sexually active at 18, and had my first orgasm at 24. Was I having fun in those six years? You betcha I was.

So, yes, pre-orgasmic women can have enjoyable sexual experiences.

Oh, one more thing. Ever try a vibrator? Some women like those.

 
Old 07-03-2008, 08:12 AM   #9
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Smile Re: Girlfriend can't orgasm

[You] sound like a sweet guy and i wish my boyfriend was as giving as u lol by the sounds of it [your] gf is very very very very lucky i lnow with my boyfriend ive been with him nearly 3 years the sex is great however i have only ever had an orgasim about 8 times in the 3 years i have been with him i dont know why as every time we have sex its wnderful howevr i dont reach an orgasim. Even if [you] dont want her to think about having an orgasim she will anyway as during sex she will be wondering why she hasnt had one even when it feels so good howver as she has never experienced one she mite of had one but not realised it. The first time i had one i didnt even kno i had untill i asked one of my friends what is should feel like at the time i jsut felt that it was better than usuall but i expected fireworks however the truth is they arnt allways like that sometimes they are not that intense. i hope this helps [deleted]. make sure she knows she is loved and dont even mention sex just let it come natuarally. The build up of all this will be very intense for her listen to her breathing. Another trick which is quite good is [deleted] this helps good luck xxx p.s. have a couple of drink swith her first she will relax and it will be easier jsut not that many for [you] as [you] dont want to be too drunk lol x

Last edited by Mod-S4; 07-03-2008 at 08:19 AM. Reason: How-to/ TMI. Please type using full words.

 
Old 07-05-2008, 06:33 AM   #10
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Re: Girlfriend can't orgasm

I definitely think you are a great boyfriend for caring so much! I was in her situation when I first became sexually active. I LOVED having sex, but it did bum me out that I knew there was this thing out there called an orgasm that wasn't happening to me. I had my first one by myself with a vibrator, a very simple, external one, the "pocket rocket." It takes one AA battery and costs about $25. I HIGHLY suggest your girlfriend try it, both with you and alone. I really urge her to try it a few times and let us know if it works!!
Oh, and I would stay away from much alcohol before hand...it makes me take longer!

Last edited by Mod-S4; 07-05-2008 at 06:46 AM. Reason: How-to removed. Please read the Special Rules sticky at the top of the board.

 
Old 07-08-2008, 05:25 PM   #11
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Re: Girlfriend can't orgasm

Quote:
Originally Posted by Danielle777 View Post
I had my first one by myself with a vibrator, a very simple, external one, the "pocket rocket."
juuuust be careful with that.. something that is not waterbased CAN cause yeast infections or bacteria.. the rocket pocket does heighten senses but there are also warming oils (KY makes these and you can get them at grocery stores) and other lubes that are safer to use and just as sensational..

remember that most girls need clitorial stimulation.

are none of her girlfriends sexually active? having other girls to talk about sex with and reading magz (Cosmo for isntance) really helped me open my mind about trying new things and being sexually comfortable with myself.. it sounds like she just isn't relaxed enough with the idea that she is a sexy lady. She DOES have some control over this whol orgasm thing.. she just doesn't know it yet. Give her time and keep showing her how fun sex can be and remember what I warned you about anything not water-based! if anything, pocket rocket is ok to use on the outside in small amounts and make sure she and you wash up real well.

Last edited by Mod-S4; 07-09-2008 at 02:36 PM. Reason: How-to removed.

 
Old 07-08-2008, 06:57 PM   #12
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Re: Girlfriend can't orgasm

I agree with much of what the last poster said, but I would like to reiterate my recommendation of some kind of external vibrator. I have been using one regularly as part of my intimate encounters for the past 10 years and have never had any sort of problem. Never had a yeast infection in my life.

Last edited by Danielle777; 07-08-2008 at 06:58 PM.

 
Old 07-09-2008, 02:11 PM   #13
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Re: Girlfriend can't orgasm

It's not unusual for it to take women a while to learn about their body and let go enough to have an orgasm. Very few women are orgasmic right off the bat....It will happen....Just give it time. Most women are completely different sexual creatures @ 25 vs late teens. Changes happen again in the early 30s....Women "evolve" over time.

Just relax and enjoy the moment....It will happen....Eventually.

Ex

 
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