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Old 06-13-2008, 06:33 PM   #1
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benny1978 HB User
Sex life ruining relationship

Hello All,
i am new here and hope to learn a lot.
I have been dating a girl for abot 5 months now and we have been able to weather all the storms in our way but this one looks like it may tear us apart. We first had sex for the first time about 2 months ago. it took me aboy 1 1/2 hours for me to ejaculate. There about 3 stops within the 90 mins, with both of us trying to get a breather. The second break was caused by my becoming limp. After the first time, she cried and she said I was not interested. She said if I was I would not have gone limp. She said I did not find her attractive and could not satisfy me in bed. She also asked why I would stay with her if I could not ejaculte with her. I tried to explain to her that it was not her but me. I told her that I loved her and that I did not need to go to another lady for anything as she had all I wanted.
The 2nd and 3rd times, we went at it for like an hour but could not ejaculate. I lied both times that I ejaculeted inside her. The fouth time, yesterday, I could not ejaculate after like about 90 minutes. She was very sad and saying the same things she said the first time. This time though she asked if there was anyone on the side. I asked her if it was a serious question. She said yes. She also said I could ejaculate watching porn but not with her. I try to allay her fears that I love too much to have a sidekick and it was me and not her.
This evening she send me texts about how low she feels because of last night and doesn't know what I feel for her.
I am 30 years old and watched a lot of porn in my time. On the average I masturbate daily. For the past few years, I cannot masturbate more than 2 times a day. I started masturbating since I was 14 years old. She is the first girlfriend I have had. Recently, I had one night stands where I had the problem of not ejaculating and getting too tired to continue sex.
I dont know what to do. I do not know how to reassure her that I am satisfied and I will not stray from her. I dont know what I could do to have different and quicker outcome during sex.
Thanks!

 
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Old 06-13-2008, 07:06 PM   #2
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Re: Sex life ruining relationship

Just my 2 cents. From your post it sounds to me like You might want to lay off the masturbation and porn for a bit. Maybe it's that you have it easier and quicker with masturbation and that's why the difficulties during intercourse. What about you try something. Get with your girl and you two don't have intercourse but both touch each other and yourselves and climax that way together to see how it goes. If she's willing of course. It won't be a fix but it might help get some intimacy going without her feeling so bad and open the door to more things. You guys could even use masturbation until you are just almost ready and then use penetration to finish if you can get used to that. There are ways to ease into it if the two of you can work together. I think you have options if you don't get to feeling too stressed over it and she too negative. Talk to her and explain the best you can. Girls feel better if they have some understanding instead of have to use the imagination to find a reason. I may be totally off base but this is what I am getting from just the post.

 
Old 06-13-2008, 07:21 PM   #3
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Re: Sex life ruining relationship

Sometimes there are issues when people start a new physical relationship. Definitely, try going without for a couple of days before seeing her, that might help you climax more easily. I really think that your problem is just a combination of anxiety and the fact that, well, no new partner could please you physically quite as well as you can. Generally these "newbie issues" go away with practice.

It's unfortunate that she's taking it personally, perhaps she's had bad experiences in the past. Did you tell her that she was your first? That might help her be a bit more understanding.

Still, when her male partner doesn't orgasm, it can cut close to a woman's sense of attractiveness, which is unfortunately linked to her sense of personal worth. (Speaking as someone who was in a relationship with a man who struggled with this for years.) At first I wasn't upset, but after a while, when it seemed like nothing I did was good enough...

Good luck in resolving this.

 
Old 06-13-2008, 07:21 PM   #4
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benny1978 HB User
Re: Sex life ruining relationship

I have thrown away all my porn earlier today.

 
Old 06-13-2008, 07:27 PM   #5
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Re: Sex life ruining relationship

Hi janewhite1 , What happened when as you said "when it seemed like nothing I did was good enough..."
She is my first serious relationship. I have had 'not serious' relationships. I have told her that one of my previous girls could not stand that I would go on forever before climaxing.
She's told me that 15 minutes at a go is a stretch for her.

 
Old 06-13-2008, 08:39 PM   #6
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Re: Sex life ruining relationship

A little background on my experience on the other side:

We were together 4 years, and sex was not the main factor in our separation. He could orgasm through intercourse, but nothing else, and I had some medical problems that make intercourse painful for me. As I said, for quite some time I was able to view it the right way: That this was just the way he was wired. Still, we kept trying. After a while (years), I did get frustrated and upset about the whole business. It particularly hurt me when he'd say "Why did you stop, I was right on the edge?" meanwhile I'd stopped because I was exhausted and physically could not continue.

One thing we did was let him masturbate himself, that worked okay.

All right, our sex life had some issues.

I don't think it was reasonable for her to take it quite so personally the first time, though. Maybe this is just one of her "hot buttons," everyone has a few. In that case, reassurance may help. Admit, maybe, that you were nervous?

Or, it could be she's just insecure. I don't know her, I have no way to say.

Last edited by janewhite1; 06-13-2008 at 08:43 PM.

 
Old 06-14-2008, 11:28 AM   #7
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Re: Sex life ruining relationship

I think you should talk to her and reassure her that it's not her. Let her know that you did throw away all of your porn and you are vowing to no longer masterbate for a while. Then give her the idea suggested earlier about trying other ways to please eachother without intercourse that way you can get use to it all. Lets face it, masterbation was a "quick fix" for what you needed and now your body is just use to it.

All hope is not lost here. If she is willing to help you out it could be a lot of fun for the both of you. Also, don't discount the fact that you said this is your first serious relationship. Some of that anxiety and the pressure to please her may be causing some of the problem. Relax and experiment.

 
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