I've been with my girlfriend 4 years, and I want to make her my wife. Right now I'm helping to put her through medical school. She's my best friend and the most beautiful girl (inside and outside) that I've ever known, but behind closed doors, our relationship is on the brink.
When I was pursuing her in college I'd look at her and want her constantly. The sexual attraction was intense. It was a looong courtship and it honestly took a year or 2 of "I don't care about you" / "I miss you" back and forth nonsense before we finally gave in to the inevitable.
At some point along the way the physical impulse died down, but the mutual love and caring grew deeper. I've never been a hugely hormonal guy. I didn't lose my virginity till I was 19. I only did then because it was 4 days before my 20th birthday and I decided I didn't want to be a 20 year old virgin. My issue was not that I didn't attract girls, it's that no girls were good enough. Physical imperfections / flawed personalities, you name it. I had a Seinfeldian philosophy about the opposite sex. I've had ~10 sexual partners, but there are only 1 or 2 (current girlfriend included) that I've had sex with multiple times. So with my girlfriend we'd have sex, but it wasn't as frequent and inpromptu-passionate as she would have liked (I found out later).
At the base of my issues are the fact since ~15 I found my sexuality on the computer, mouse in hand (you know what in the other). I'm not proud of it, but that's how it happened. For an inquiring teenager that's where my impulses lead me.
Fast forward to my late 20's and I find I'm royally ******. I've had an addiction to online porn since 15. I've tried to stop using the computer to "get off" and it may last weeks or months, but one day I'll get an over powering urge (always when I'm alone or I see something that triggers it) and I'll need the immediate gratification that only I can provide. It doesn't help my situation that I work from home on the computer (all day every day), temptation is just around the bend. My relationship with my girlfriend of 4 years is about to end unless I can fix my sexuality.
She
is the perfect girl. She can be a stubborn Irish girl, but she passed through all of my girl-hangups and she actually
loved me back!
Right now we haven't had sex for 6+mo and she's really getting frustrated (me too). The problem is w/ our past history of problems - we've been to sex therapy, I've had a needle stabbed in my dick to test make sure everything "works", I've spoken to a shrink, etc. It's hard to jump-start the passion after such things. That she's stuck it out with me this long is a testament in itself.
I'm at a loss of what to do to save my relationship. She is a pure and passionate person. Even when I come on to her to try to spark SOMETHING into happening she doesn't reciprocate. As it stands I feel like she wants me to be this insatiable hornball of desire and I can't even muster up an erection without Cialis.
I'd do anything to save this relationship. It means the world to me. Sorry for the length of this post but I wanted to get it all out there. I've got to make her feel desired, I want to desire her, but it's not happening currently no matter how much I want it to.
How can I save this relationship??
She's everything to me.
