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Old 02-25-2009, 01:50 PM   #1
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Wife never initiates sex, what to do?

I understand that this problem is not uncommon. In fact a couple of years ago, on another site, of which the name escapes me now, I posted nearly the same thing and got a lot of different advice. Not too long after that, our sexual relationship got better... BUT, that I now suspect was not on the up and up either. To explain, I had made it clear to my wife that I was open to having another child, but that it was her decision. I could tell she was avoiding it for one reason, whe worried about her work too much. She loves being a mom.

I say this because with my first child we were actively "trying" to have a child. It was no secret. With the second, I was told the same day as our other child that my wife was pregnant. She had taken pregnancy tests, more than one, scheduled an appointment and still not told me. I hold absolutely no grudge about this. I always sort of wanted another child but refused to think it was my place to urge my wife to put her body through that. I was ecstatic.

So now we have two children, many years apart. Things are really quite well between us. But it is quite obvious why my wife was keeping the pregnancy from me. It was not some scheme of hers. She was just putting it off perhaps in the hope that I wouldn't notice how it coincided with her increased libido.

Sex was infrequent during pregnancy, but I put my expectations on hold given the changes a woman can feel during this time. Although sex was infrequent we probably had it more than we have been in previous years though. I decided that even through the first few months after that I would not even think of it in normal sexual terms. If she wanted to have sex then that would be great, but it was not my place given all she put her body through. On top of that she is a wonderful mother.

Lately, I have initiated sex a couple of times. It went relatively well. Now however we are back to where we always end up. This lack of initiative on my wife's part stretches back many years. With very few exceptions it defines out sexual relationship. Oh sure, prior to marriage it did not. The honeymoon period also provided more opportuniy (although there were signs even then). The odd thing is that our sex is so infrequent that we are not bored with each other when it does happen.

This issue has been addressed in counseling in the past with the two of us. I have addressed this issue with my wife directly in the past. There are some issues in my wife's past which go back to a few years before I even met her. Those issues are now more than two decades old. I have known about them for a long time, within the first or second year of our relationship.

I have been giving my wife subtle clues lately that I want her to initiate. I can tell that she understands these clues. too. Yet, despite her understanding, nothing. That is the most disappointing thing. Once again it falls upon me to correct this. She never does. It is not only that my wife never initiates sex, she never initiaties anything. Ok, that is a slight overstatement, but only slight. She will force me to drop the subtle clues and address the situation again. She will force me to address to her directly and perhaps more.

But, to be frank, I don't want to. We have been down this road, over and over and over. Measures have been taken. We have had the talks. I almost feel like a co-dependent if that makes sense. I am always the one having to deal with and correct the situation. The reason I don't want to anymore is because I feel like the remedy will only be temporary. It will slide right back into the same pattern again until my wife decides she wants to deal with it.

The other thing is that my wife always responds better to outside influence. The first time we had a child a number of other women at her work were having children. If there is a health issue or dietary issue or even excersize issue that she ever responds to it is from friends or from a doctor. I don't even bother anymore. I have been slowly squeezed into the role of professional hint dropper. But I know those don't help entirely. If ever I try to motivate, I get a strong pushback. So I just don't do it anymore.

I am a faithful guy, but I no longer judge people anymore. Life and sexuality are way too complex to do that. If someone cheated, another got divorced, I assume nothing, I judge no one. I don't know what that relationship was truly like. I don't know those people's history. Honestly, I don't think my wife would care if I cheated sexually. I think she practically wants it to happen so that she doesn't have to worry about that part of our life anymore. But I don't want it to happen. We have a good life. We love each other. We have a great family life.

I don't even know that I am seeking advice right now. This may be more of, for lack of a better term, venting. I don't think there is a right answer. I don't know that my wife will ever change. But increasingly I feel like one part of my life is racing by. That I will go through life with one of the all time least active and least interesting sex lives for a happily married man.

What motivated me to post here is that this is starting to affect me in other parts of my life, specifically work. The daily pervading feeling of rejection is piercing my being. I assume that I will at some point break down and tackle the issue head on with my wife, again. But I no longer hold out any hope that it will be lasting. I am pretty much resigned to the fact that this is the way it will always be.

 
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Old 02-25-2009, 02:34 PM   #2
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Re: Wife never initiates sex, what to do?

Wow - what a story you have there. It sounds like you've tried everything - I can't offer you any advice, I was hoping I could. I can say that I understand, I do. I've been there too - I'm female too.

My only advice? If even that's what you're looking for...perhaps print out what you wrote and give it to her? I don't know.

Wish you well - you aren't alone.

 
Old 02-25-2009, 05:21 PM   #3
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Re: Wife never initiates sex, what to do?

Well, this is how she is, you know this is how she is, you have tried to get her to change but for whatever reason she won't or can't, sooooo why do you keep dwelling on it? It isn't helping you and it isn't helping her. If you want sex, then YOU initiate it. Is it really that big a deal? Now, if she starts turning you down, there may be an issue to deal with, but really, you can't get someone to change unless they want to change, and you know she doesn't want to change, so either accept it and make your lives easier, or keep harping about it and continue to be miserable.

 
Old 02-26-2009, 08:30 AM   #4
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Re: Wife never initiates sex, what to do?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Run262 View Post
Wow - what a story you have there. It sounds like you've tried everything - I can't offer you any advice, I was hoping I could. I can say that I understand, I do. I've been there too - I'm female too.

My only advice? If even that's what you're looking for...perhaps print out what you wrote and give it to her? I don't know.

Wish you well - you aren't alone.
My wife was joking the other day and said "Yeah there is only one thing on men's mind."

"Sure," I thought, "You initiate sex once every couple of years. That seems normal to you."

But I just said, "Yeah, right," with a mildly sarcastic tone. She laughed at that uncomfortably, because I could tell by her expression that she knew the gist of what I was thinking. Believe me when you have known each other as long as we have you sense these things.

I have noticed some women who have the same problem on these message boards. This is how warped my sensibilities have become- I almost have a hard time believing them. My wife has told me for years how most women don't desire sex that often. That it is just a fundamental difference between men and women. It's gotten to the point where my subconcious sort of believes this.

Then I find myself wondering about having encounters outside my marriage. "Why shouldn't people match up based on their desire for sex and perhaps each other?" I often wonder. My wife seems as if she could not care less about this. But I have seen how these things spiral out of control. Lives are ruined and blown up.

I also fantasize about an agreement with my wife to confront her and make an agreement. We will never ever split up, but we will see other people. But it is just not realistic. Besides the risk of one or the other of us getting attached to another which is always there I would have to hide this part of me from everyone else I know. No one would understand that. I am not even sure I want to be that person. It would just blow up, and that is the last thing I want to happen.

So I just compartamentalize those fantasies. I never tell my wife. Who tells their wife they want to go and have sex with other people because she lacks the desire? I guess some people do.

Someone else posted that I should just get over it. I know how it is and I should just stop complaining. But the truth must be that I am seeking answers. Why else would I post here? To vent? which is what I said. That is probably not true. Sometimes I think I am doing it so that someone will give me the go ahead to just cheat (is it cheating if your wife doesn't care?). But deep down she probably does care.

If someone posted that I posted what I posted to try to make a very good argument that cheating is ok in my case I wouldn't argue with them. That is how I would have read it.

But, I am not going to. I don't know that I have it in me. There was this Seinfeld episode where George and Jerry talk about the male fantasy of a threesome. Low and behold it presents itself, but neither of them can imagine actually doing it. The desire to do it as a fantasy seems compelling, but when it comes right down to it they both decide that they are just not that person. They are not the type to be a part of a threesome.

There is someone I work with. She is fantastic. Married with a child too. I dreamed last night that we were in the office and for some reason she was sort of hugging me. I think I may have hurt myself and she was just checking to see if I was ok. So as she was hugging me I kissed her a little bit. She kissed me back only slightly and then pulled away. I then had all the feelings that one might have if this really happened but crammed into about the remaining 20 seconds of my dream which is, "Wow, I so wanted that to happen very much, but now, everything is ruined... I mean she is married, I am married... we have children... and we work together. Where does our relationship go from here... nowhere... it is over which makes me more sad." Then I woke up.

It is a relatively tame dream when one thinks about it. Should I feel guilty about a dream. I don't know.

Some might say I should just confront her again, which I understand. It seems the only path for us given what I have said. And yet, it will ultimate lead to defeat again. It always does. I don't know if I can handle that.

Some might say I should just stop being a chicken **** and go cheat. Go get a massage or something. Pursue someone else and try to keep it hidden. Or even tell my wife and then do it.

I am worried that if I confront my wife again and it slips into the same pattern that I will finally crack. That I won't care anymore. That I will take the pain that life deals me.

For what? for some sex? Then I think that is crazy. But that is my worry. That is why I won't confront her. That is why I need her to read the signs and want to change herself. That would tell me that it is worth my time and energy to pursue reparing this.

If I initiate the process of getting her past this once again, I will never truly believe in a lasting outcome. If she initiated it I would jump all in. But I can't just print these things out and hand it to her.

That sort of says to her fix this or other things will occur. My greatest fear is that she looks at that and doesn't really care. There will be tears at first as well. I fear that letting her know all of this will break her heart. Maybe send her into a depression. That she will feel, "I can't change. This is who I am and you don't love me anymore. Why can't you just love me for me?"

I don't know. I am so distraught. My mind is racing about this. I feel as though I am overthinking this, overanalyzing this. Maybe sex and love have nothing to do with one another. Maybe sex is a desire and need that should be fulfilled by those who want to. Maybe love is about something else altogether. It's about friendship and laughter and getting through life and the the bad times together. It is about companionship most of all. Maybe sex is a purely physical need. Maybe society makes a mistake by insisting that the two of them are linked. Maybe we are not even supposed to be monogamous. Maybe biologically we are not programmed to do so.

No call today. Ususally she calls me. She can tell I am not happy lately. She knows the signs I am giving her. In our relationship it is not a secret what it means. Still, this time I have actually tried to fake it more than ususal. To engage in conversation without throwing off the hints that I am not happy. The last day and a half I have been terrible at faking this.

Also I think that by throwing those hints but then later I seem fine sends her a dual message. One is that I am truly not happy, and she knows what that relates to. The other message is that even though I am not happy I am trying. I am hoping that will make her want to try to. That isn't working. Talking to her sparingly isn't working.

Going to bed exactly when she does isn't working. Taking a shower and laying in my towel next to her isn't working. Doing a little extra housework didn't work. Making suggestions that we do fool around when the kids aren't around regardless of the time of day isn't working.

Sometimes she refuses to start kissing. This almost always gets her in the mood (no for real). She knows this and actively tells me that she doesn't want to kiss me because she knows where it will end up. I kid you not.

One of her quasi-rules is that sex really is only supposed to happen at night. Of course by the time that it becomes an acceptable time for her she is really really tired. I mean sleep within seconds tired.

Kids out of the house in the middle of the day on a Saturday or Sunday. Nope, not going to happen. Nothing. Shower, housework, let's start kissing.

I hate to admit this but I will. I won't give her a massage anymore. I won't try very hard at it if I do. Imagine giving a message to someone you love and are attracted to and haven't had sex with in weeks. I have done it in the past. Nope, so sex allowed. She is being massaged because she is sore. Sex will only excacerbate the problem of being sore. Or the end result of the massage is sleep. If I try to interject sex into any massage I make a grave mistake.

And so I don't give massages. Maybe that makes me an insensitive *******. I wouldn't argue with that. But I can't do that. I can't give massages to someone who I love and who I am attracted to and when we haven't had sex for many many weeks and just leave it at that, everytime. I can't do it. I even feel like a **** by ignoring her request for a massage. I tell her to ice things down. That the massage might make it worse. (Wow, I just noticed the irony in me giving that advice to her and not the other way around.)

Anyway, I will try to make an update if anything happens. Maybe I should confront her a little. Maybe I should ask her to get counseling, or us. Mabe I shouldn't. I don't know anymore. Maybe I should give her as many sexless massages as she wants.

But it is at the point where I feel like a L.A. Clippers fan or something. No matter what I try it will never get better. It may get a little better for a while and then it will just go back. ****** outlook I know.

Thanks for responding.

 
Old 02-26-2009, 08:55 AM   #5
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Re: Wife never initiates sex, what to do?

I just read a simular post, but it was a women in the same situation with her husband not wanting sex unless she initiated it. That being said, I understand your situation. I have a simular one myself. I also understand how tirering you get with initiating sex with your wife, not know if she really are into having sex with you. You wonder, are you pleasing her? Of course she says that you are, but it's such a chore to get her in the mood. Once in the mood, she appears to enjoy, but unless you initiate having sex again, she can go week with out it. Hey, if you don't mention it, maybe months.lol. Now, my wife will let me know if it's been a couple of weeks, or a month. But, with in that time she has given me suttle reasons hint to why she can't. Such as I've had a long day, I'm not feeling well, I really need to finish this booK! Have you heard any of these excuses? I'm sure you have. Just wanted to let you know you're not alone. Our situations or a bit different, but if you're not having sex on a regular bases for what ever reason, you're not! End of story. My wife is going through menopause, so now she finally has a good reason for the mood swings and all. Meds are complicated, so what works for one women doesn't work for another. Sooo, until her harmones are balanced again, patience and understanding is in order. Oh yeah, and self pleasuring.lol..THANK GOD WE LEARNED TO PLEASURE OURSELVES YEARS AGO! If not, we would all be sad.lol..
If I'm hearing right, you're just venting.
This is a good thing! We men need to do more of that. It will keep us sane. No judging, or giving advise. Sometime a listening ear will help us to come up with the answer ourselves. Let's trust that things will get better. For all of us.

 
Old 02-26-2009, 12:26 PM   #6
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Re: Wife never initiates sex, what to do?

Quote:
Originally Posted by cleansweap View Post
I just read a simular post, but it was a women in the same situation with her husband not wanting sex unless she initiated it. That being said, I understand your situation. I have a simular one myself.

Small opportunity is opening up today. Kids will be away leaving about a one hour window. We shall see what develops. My expectations could not be lower. Perhaps after waiting a good amount of time I will drop more and more hints. Likely. But here is my prediction. Get home, maybe drop a subtle hint of a look. See if anything happens. If rebuffed, stop dropping hints for a little bit. As that makes me more frustrated I will drop less subtle hints. Then nothing will happen again and the hour will run out with me feeling quite down about it. Now, here is to hoping that I am totally wrong. Fat chance.

 
Old 02-27-2009, 08:24 AM   #7
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Re: Wife never initiates sex, what to do?

Opportunity passed. It was there. Perhaps I didn't handle it perfectly either but it definitely presented itself. Don't know what to do know but wait and keep presenting opportunites and see if anything pans out. For some reason I am not feeling so hurt by it today. That sometimes changes quickly. Any ways I can give hints without looking like I am giving hints would be appreciated. Yes giving hints means I am initiating to a degree but then again, she can clearly tell from my demenor lately that things are not right. She even asked me last night, "What's the matter with you?" She wants to pretend that something else is the cause and that way she does not have to deal with it. I responded "nothing's wrong." Later at bed time I tried to throw more hints. To no avail.

Whoever does this to another do they not care what the other person does? Are they content if the other person seeks any other way to satisfy their desires so long as it doesn't inconvenience them?

I don't get it. She'd rather spend time watching how a candy gets made in the factory. No seriously. Or any gameshow at all. Or the food network for hours.

Ah well

 
Old 02-27-2009, 03:00 PM   #8
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Re: Wife never initiates sex, what to do?

All this "subtle hints" and "dropping clues" sounds extremely childish to me. Why play the games?

Is the problem she never initiates or that you two hardly ever have sex because it's always up to you to initiate? Do the two of you eventually enjoy sex if you just suck it up and initiate?

I can maybe understand you throwing around the cheating threat if you have no sex life to speak of, but to talk of cheating simply because your wife won't initiate? Yikes.

I'm sure I don't have to tell you that with married life, there are certain things that one half of the team sort of commandeers. Sex could just be one of those things in your relationship, you know? If sex is great for you two once the ball is rolling (no matter how the ball gets rolling to start with), why make such a fuss?

FWIW, DH & I have been together for 19 years, and we've gone through stages where he always initiates, where I always initiate or where neither of us are really all that sexual. Same goes for other aspects of our life, too, as far as things like chores and really being motivated to get things done or undertake projects or routines. I thought this was pretty normal in long-term relationships

But if your sex life is just gone, I can understand your frustrations.

 
Old 02-28-2009, 02:43 AM   #9
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Re: Wife never initiates sex, what to do?

Maybe your wife doesn't feel attractive anymore and can't understand why you or anyone would want sex with her. Maybe she feels that being a man you only care about getting off and it wouldn't matter to you if she was an old grubby washer woman; she's just an object for your penis. If she feels like that, can you imagine what sex with you feels like to her?

Maybe, instead of initiating sex and talking about wanting sex, you should initiate romance and excitement. Maybe you should set a goal of being loving instead of being loving so you can get sex. (I'm not saying your some horrible person, I'm just saying just maybe she has some warped sense of you or herself for some reason.)

So, for instance, make it a habit to hug your wife, and kiss her gently several times a day with absolutely no indication you want sex; you just want to be touched and held. Watch a movie together and just cuddle and watch. If she initiates sex, reject it, and say not now, you really want the fun togetheness you use to have.

Bring a rose home for no reason at least once a week. Send her a card in the mail that says how much you love her and how great the memories have been, remind her of a fun time. Offer her time off at a spa, you will deal with the kids. Bring home her favorite desert/fruit/chocolate; when she asks why, you say because I was thinking about you and I wanted too. She's worth thinking about, and she's worth spending time on, she's a good person that you love.

Book a hotel weekend for two in your own city, and get grandma to baby sit. The object of the hotel is to have fun, no sex, no pressure, just holding hands, talking, seeing fun things, kissing, cuddling, looking into each others eyes, touching. If you get erections you can always head to the bathroom and take care of it fast and get back to the business of meeting your wife again. She's not who you thought she was, she's changed, so romance her all over again. It's not going to be easy to change your thinking about the situation, but you know what they say: if you don't like something, change it, if you can't change it, then change your thinking about it. Maybe you can show that you aren't who she thinks you are, out for selfish things, not caring about her feelings and needs.


Maybe when she finds out, you love HER for her and not for her vagina she may see you as more romatic and interesting and worth initiating a kiss. Meantime, no sex, masturbate if you have to, keep it sensual, loving and try to show you do care about HER and you want most of all to be together.

Sorry if I made you seem like a typical guy with sex on the brain. It sounds like that's what she feels...and feelings are never wrong, they just exist. It takes time to change them.

It's also possible she is feeling distinctly unsexual, perhaps you should suggest a visit to the doctor, with you, to explain your concern that she isn't enjoying sexual interest like she maybe should. But do that after the first attempts fail to make her more willing to be your partner and not just your wife. Do not mention the medical stuff at first or you will just reinforce the idea that you want her back in the bed ASAP.

Note that this isn't just some great scheme to get her in bed in three months, if that is your goal, then no use trying, she will feel it. The goal has to be a loving and sharing relationship between you, one TINY expression of which is sex. Both of you need to work at being a couple, being together, touching and not just loving but feeling worthy of being loved. All else flows from that. I believe she doesn't feel worthy of being loved, you have to try to help give that back to her.

Last edited by orion; 02-28-2009 at 02:58 AM.

 
Old 02-28-2009, 05:29 AM   #10
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Re: Wife never initiates sex, what to do?

You are analyzing things too much. Your decisions to withhold yourself from her are not positive. She is not going to start initiating if you are like this. Be as nice to her as you can and try to make as much love with her as you can, making sure you are meeting her needs. Maybe she wants YOU to be the man and initiate as she is actually too embarassed or afraid that if she does, she won't meet these huge expectations you have. You need to show her how great love making can be. If she doesn't think it is all that great, but only a chore to keep you at bay, she will never initiate. And, if she thinks you are holding back on something as simple and basic as a massage just because she won't initiate sex, then you can totally forget it.

 
Old 02-28-2009, 05:30 AM   #11
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Re: Wife never initiates sex, what to do?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Samoh View Post
.......****** outlook I know......
I don't think you are a bad man, but I totally agree with that quote. You're a male so I don't expect you to understand females on your own. You came here for help so I hope you listen up and learn.

You are entertaining seriously destructive fantasies, that involve an innocent married woman no less, and you excuse yourself. These kinds of thoughts are probably fleetingly common in many people's minds when they are very unhappy or bored, but you choose to entertain the thoughts and nurse them along, and even ask readers to give their stamp of approval. All the while acting like you didn't really ask that...I think you do mean it. You gave big "hints".

Think about this: Would you like knowing some man was thinking that way about your wife? If not, then stop it.

I think you need to come to terms with just how self-absorbed you are, all over which one of you acts like he/she wants sex more, you or your wife. And, not only that but she has to prove it to you by initiating or you sulk and pout (or pretend to hide your sulking and pouting as if she can't see it). Here: let me clarify: you want sex more. Just own it.

Do you know manipulation is an extreme turn off to any self-respecting person? That behavior is so demeaning to you, and to your wife. You may have heard Dr. Phil ask if your plan of action is working for you...well is it? If not, then consider the hard truth that you are disrespecting your wife.

You say you know, but I don't think you do know how crappy it really is that you have made your wife first and foremost a sex object, which is a complete and utter turn off to most people, male or female. It may seem flattering for awhile, but later one can see there is no real love. My goodness, you tell her to ice her aches and can't even give a massage for her pain? She can bear your children and take care of them, but she has to woo you while you lay beside her in a towel? Oh my gosh, I would (playfully) push my husband off the bed if he acted that wimpy.

If you have all that sexual energy, then YOU help HER. Go home early from work once a week, plan some meals, cook some meals or bring "take home" food, clean the house, do the dishes, put in a load of laundry or fold it, run her a bath early in the evening and feed and put the kids to bed while she soaks. Rub her feet while she falls asleep on the couch...to seduce her? NO...to give her some relief!

You have no idea how draining kids can be to a woman, nor do you really care. All you seem to do is dwell on feeling sorry for yourself because she doesn't act like she has warm fuzzies toward you. Geez, I don't know even one woman in her position that would feel warm toward a husband that acted like you.

I think you do have a serious problem and it isn't lack of her "initiation". It's self-absorption and self-pity, and a passive aggressive pattern for getting what you want. It doesn't work on her, so you blame her. But this is your own pattern, and I am sure you had this way of getting what you want long before you married. I would not be surprised if your wife is basically an easy-going person that you never really had to woo or win from the beginning of your relationship. Am I right?

I am being straight forward with you that your wife works hard and is suffering. Rather than to look for ways to relieve her pain and tiredness so she can relax and warm up toward you, you treat her like what she goes through is unimportant, and you expect her to initiate sex?

I agree with orion to an extent...the only difference is I think you need to show appreciation of the woman you married and say you love, and not at allto get her to warm up to you for sex, but because you made a vow of love to her and you have been acting in a seriously unloving way for a very long time. I hope you can stop acting out in that childish manner.

You have been extremely demanding. You don't come close to meeting your wife's needs as a woman, and have no right to make demands, not even hints of demands. It's you holding yourself off from real intimacy. Granted that intimacy can lead into sexuality, but sexuality is not intimacy nor the end result of intimacy. What you need to learn is how to be intimate with your wife. And it would help if you initiated learning what intimacy is...I can almost quaranteee you that your wife already knows what it is and that she is not getting it from you.

Orion is proof that men can think of something else than sex, but nothing you wrote indicates that sex is not your life priority...try apologizing to your wife for being a senseless oaf, and tell her you want to learn more about who she is as a woman and how to meet her needs. That you have intimacy issues and that you want to learn to stop pushing her away.

I think you damaged her self-esteem deeply, and whether she can recover her sexuality no one knows...it's very complicated for a female, and that's not about you. However, females are natural responders and most will respond to real love when freely given. This means putting her needs ahead of your own. Serving her needs will give you true satisfaction and happiness, IF you truely do love her.

If you stay on the course you set in your mind you are a train wreck about to happen to your family. The choice is yours. No one can make the change in you, but you.

 
Old 02-28-2009, 05:31 AM   #12
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Re: Wife never initiates sex, what to do?

Magnetic said it all...
(Wow, orion & Magnetic, I'm impressed.)

PS...nix on suggesting a visit to a doctor, Samoh.
Your relationship is too close to shambles to be inferring she needs to be the one to change. And, female hormones can't be fixed like Viagra. Take it from one who knows.

Last edited by friendlione; 02-28-2009 at 05:46 AM.

 
Old 02-28-2009, 10:44 PM   #13
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orion HB Userorion HB Userorion HB Userorion HB Userorion HB User
Re: Wife never initiates sex, what to do?

Quote:
Originally Posted by friend View Post
PS...nix on suggesting a visit to a doctor[/B]
I agree that implying it is her fault by suggesting a doctor might fix things is not a good way to start fixing this relationship.

However, it is possible for older women to have low testosterone/DHEA levels and several medical journal research papers demonstrate improved wellbeing and sexual response by taking low doses of these hormones for women.

If things do not improve with a change attidude from him, then a medical check up would be a next step, assuming she cares to improve things. If not, that's a completely different situation.

 
Old 03-01-2009, 09:06 PM   #14
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Re: Wife never initiates sex, what to do?

Have you ever thought of sitting down with her and having a serious one on one discussion about the sex situation, as should be done between husband and wife if there is a problem??

And the whole cheating thing, didn't you take a vow, that weant something like, "forsaking all others, till death do us part?" Do you really think you wife is going to sit patiently by while you go out and screw another woman? I mean get real, I'd kick my hubby out in a heart beat.

Has your wife been to her gyno to see if she's beginning Menopause or Peri Menopause, you don't mention your ages, but that can also mess up a woman's sex drive big time.

You talk about haveing a free and open marriage when it comes to sex and partners....well how about haveing a free and open marriage when it comes to discussing your problems and quit playing all the mind games and expecting her to know exactly how your feeling. Seems like that would be a heckofa lot easier than all this drama you're putting yourself through...My hubby and I have been married for 21 years together since we were 16, we just seperated this past October, because our communication skills went down the drain....we just stopped comunicating and expected the other to know what the problem was. Believe me that particular way of doing things doesn't work.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

kat

 
Old 03-02-2009, 10:24 AM   #15
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Re: Wife never initiates sex, what to do?

Quote:
Originally Posted by friend View Post
I don't think you are a bad man, but I totally agree with that quote. You're a male so I don't expect you to understand females on your own. You came here for help so I hope you listen up and learn.

....to your family. The choice is yours. No one can make the change in you, but you.
I appreciate all of the advice. Here is what happened this weekend. Another opportunity cropped up. For those of you without children you have no idea how precious alone time is. I think you actually have to have children to fathom alone time. So I eventually said, "It is not often that we get alone time. Not often at all." She agreed. "We should cherish this." She agreed again. I invited her to lay next to me. She never did. She stayed where she was.

About an hour our so later she apologized to me for "being in a crabby mood lately." She then actually wanted to give me a couple of pecks on the lips. Of course the kids were around by now. I said, "alright" to her apology and I told her I didn't think she was being, "crabby."

Just that little bit has taken the edge off. I have read all of the responses and I understand why people are giving the advice they do or are sometimes chastising me. I do not wish to run from my responsibility.

I probably could do more. I guess I have to and I have to figure out a way. But part of the problem is that it is all up to me. I used to be more intimate with my wife. I do feel guilty that I am not as intimate now. Sometimes that initmacy would lead to sex. Many times it wouldn't.

But at some point many years ago, my wife began to interpret intimacy as my way of "getting sex." This is the same reason she does not like to kiss. It gets her in the mood and she doesn't want that. I don't know how to describe this other than to say do you ever feel like the last thing you want to do is take a shower. Say it is the middle of the winter and it is too cold. You practically refuse. Then for whatever reason you decide you must shower. Once you get in after about a minute there is that shower euphoria. You feel awesome. You don't want to get out. Even after you get out there is that post shower euphoria. Even still, you were dead set only 15 minutes earlier on not wanting to take a shower.

My wife wants to eliminate whatever that reason is to get into the shower. If it is intimacy or a prolonged kiss, she eliminates it. She then often throws it back onto me. "You are just doing that because you want to have sex." She will say. Long ago I thought this was playful sexual banter. So that I would persue her. No such luck. She meant it.

She went to great lengths to destroy the intimacy in our relationship. It has been on life support ever since. See, despite the fact that my previous posts make me seem like an a-hole at times (and I a sure I am at time at times) I am not the type of guy that ever wants to pressure someone into sex. That's why I want her to initiate. But I tried simply waiting, with no hints at all. It literally would last forever that way. You have no idea how long a stretch of no sex can last between us. She simply doesn't care and she has actually voiced that at times. Anyway, that is why i would drop subtle hints. I can't get initmate even if sex is not the ultimate goal because that is what she takes it as.

Having said that, my recent hint and her recent apology has spurred her a little bit in the intimacy department. This has happened in our relationship before. These spurts of intimacy where she allows it to happen. But everytime they go the same way. We do the intimacy thing for a couple of weeks. No sex even. After a while I can just tell that this is the end game. She wants the intimacy with no sex. I know this because once sex is introduced back into the equation by her or I the intimacy ends not long thereafter because she see it as a ploy again.

Maybe some of the advice I have gotten here is correct. Maybe I need to try to be intimate no matter what. To be intimate and not expect sex. this could go on for many months. Perhaps up to three months mind you. Also, the deeper it has gone the more I could tell she felt affirmed in her idea that sex was an unecessary part of life. Enjoyable when she has it yes, but no necessary. Unless she wants to have a child.

But here is to hope. The apology and the kiss from her might be a breakthrough. Who knows. I will assume that it is. We are coming up on at least a month of no sex, I think. To be honest I am pretty sure it is longer but I am actually not keeping track. It is somewhere between 4 to 7 weeks. That was initiated by me. The last time she actually wanted to have sex enough to approach me was about fifteen months ago. Prior to that I would say she had a ratio of once every 2 years maybe.

At one point she was in counseling. At some point we were in counseling. I want to reiterate that.

Anyway, any advice on how to proceed from the peck and the apology would be appreciated.

 
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