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Old 03-09-2009, 12:07 PM   #1
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Wife and Husband Sex

Not sure how to go about this. Iím getting a little frustrated with my sex life between my wife and I. Itís been a solid two and a half months since any type of sexual activity. Iíve tried numerous approaches and all have failed. My wife will always use the same excuses: Iím tired, arenít you, I had a rough day with the girls (We have twin girls), and just plain No. She doesnít kiss me, hug me or anything like that UNLESS I initiate it first. The last couple times of sexual activity, its at 2 am when she finally makes her way up from downstairs and sayís Iím feeling frisky. Iíve been asleep now for 5 hours but I have to get up or I wonít see anything again for a few more weeks. She is on the IUD birth control and in the last 3 months has been taking Clymbalta. This has also been going on since the girls were born which has now been almost 3 years. Iím lucky to get anything a month at a time. Am I blowing this out of proportion. Iím trying to figure something out to get my wife back into it. Her doctor didnít say to much about the whole deal except that itís changes. Sheís only 28. Any input would be appreciated.

Thanks

 
Old 03-09-2009, 12:15 PM   #2
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Re: Wife and Husband Sex

Well, the Cymbalta certainly can negatively affect one's libido. About the IUD, though, does it have any hormones in it or is it the copper one (without hormones)? If it has hormones in it, that could be the problem. I'm not too familiar with IUD's, but I do know that birth control pills lower testosterone, and therefore, can lower sex drive.

 
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Old 03-09-2009, 12:59 PM   #3
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Re: Wife and Husband Sex

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Originally Posted by kittywitty View Post
Well, the Cymbalta certainly can negatively affect one's libido. About the IUD, though, does it have any hormones in it or is it the copper one (without hormones)? If it has hormones in it, that could be the problem. I'm not too familiar with IUD's, but I do know that birth control pills lower testosterone, and therefore, can lower sex drive.
I believe with the copper one but I'd have to find out. I know that Cymbalta has an effect on the libido but not sure what would explain the last two and a half years. She's only been on the Cymbalta now for a few months.

 
Old 03-09-2009, 03:43 PM   #4
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Re: Wife and Husband Sex

Well, no, I don't think it's entirely from the Cymbalta either. I'm just saying that I don't think it's helping the situation. There's ways around that, though. She could try adding Wellbutrin to it, that usually helps diffuse any sexual side effects. How long has she had the IUD, though? If it's a Mirena IUD, it has a low dose of hormones in it, but it could still possibly affect her sex drive. Just do a search over on the birth control board and you'll see alot of women that have been affected by it.

Last edited by kittywitty; 03-09-2009 at 03:53 PM.

 
Old 03-09-2009, 06:29 PM   #5
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Re: Wife and Husband Sex

What does she do late at night when you are in bed alone? That is strange, if she is so tired. I hope the kids aren't staying awake until 2 AM!

Maybe she feels you are not helping out sufficiently. You should have a heart to heart with her to find out if she is upset with you and, even subconsiously, withholding affection from you.

 
Old 03-10-2009, 09:37 AM   #6
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Re: Wife and Husband Sex

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What does she do late at night when you are in bed alone? That is strange, if she is so tired. I hope the kids aren't staying awake until 2 AM!

Maybe she feels you are not helping out sufficiently. You should have a heart to heart with her to find out if she is upset with you and, even subconsiously, withholding affection from you.

She watches TV until she falls asleep on the couch then comes upstairs. She's tired to have the sex part. The kids aren't staying up either. I've asked her if it's me and she says no it's not. Nothing to do with me.

I also help out emensely so I don't think that's the issue. I clean the house regularly, clean, bath the girls every night and get them ready for bed, cook, clean, let her go out more than regularly and I look after the girls. I think she's got it pretty good compared to some.

 
Old 03-10-2009, 02:35 PM   #7
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Re: Wife and Husband Sex

How about a romantic night out? Give her a break, show her a good time. Get away for a weekend......

 
Old 03-11-2009, 06:22 AM   #8
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Re: Wife and Husband Sex

Streaker-

I'm really sorry you and your wife are having this issue. I included you both because believe it or not, it does affect the both of you. Being intimate with your spouse is a very healthy and important part of marriage.

Having said that, I also have to agree there are a number of factors here that seem to be going on. First- the Cymbalta. Cymbalta can and does cause this, but as you said, what about the other times before she started taking it?

Well that brings us to childbirth. Having children often totally changes a woman's hormonal balance. After having my first child, I went through the same thing, but only for about a year or so then things seemed to come back around. After having my son (who is my second child and now almost 15) I totally lost all desire for sex. The doctor put me on anti-depressants and said that would help. Well, it helped with my general well being, but not the sex drive. I'm very fortunate in that my husband was so understanding and patient with me.

I do want to give you a woman's view about this. It tore me up inside that this part of our marriage turned from being quite active to almost nonexistant for a very long time. I adore my husband, and I love being close with him. He is a wonderful lover and he is also my soul mate. I feel so guilty that he had to go without when he shouldn't have had to. I made every effort to try and be open to the closeness, but for some reason my body just did not cooperate sometimes. I literally cried at nights because of the guilt I felt over this.

I know I told my husband it's not him many times, and this is 100% true. It wasn't him, it was something in my body that changed. Talk to your wife. Not when you are trying to initiate intercourse. Try and talk with her about your feelings and her feelings when it's just the two of you. Chances are, your wife truly feels terrible about this. If she feels like I did, she just doesn't know what else to say other than to tell you it's not you.

Things have gotten better over the years and I have gotten some of my sex drive back, but it's still not back 100%. During those times when my body just won't cooperate, hubby and I find other ways to be intimate and close.

I also have to agree it's a good idea to try and make romantic time for you and your wife when the twins aren't around. Maybe get a family member to take them for the night. Or, have a family member spend the night at your house with the twins, and you get a room for the night with your wife. Make it a nice romantic night with dinner, movies, dancing- or just a walk on the beach if you live close to one. Being just husband and wife without the children is healthy for you two as well as the children.

I hope things even out for both you and your wife. It sounds like you love her so much and want to be close with her. She's very lucky because many men would not be so patient. I know I'm thankful my husband stuck through those times with me.

Last edited by ozzybug; 03-11-2009 at 06:24 AM.

 
Old 03-11-2009, 11:50 AM   #9
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Re: Wife and Husband Sex

Mild depression? She should talk to a doctor about how she feels. Could she try a different form of birth controle? maybe that will help.
I have the same problem as you with my wife, but we are much older, and with my wife it's early menopause. Getting her harmones regulated isn't as easy as it sounds. I wish you the best with your wife!

 
Old 03-12-2009, 02:05 PM   #10
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Re: Wife and Husband Sex

Quote:
Originally Posted by ozzybug View Post
Streaker-

I'm really sorry you and your wife are having this issue. I included you both because believe it or not, it does affect the both of you. Being intimate with your spouse is a very healthy and important part of marriage.

Having said that, I also have to agree there are a number of factors here that seem to be going on. First- the Cymbalta. Cymbalta can and does cause this, but as you said, what about the other times before she started taking it?

Well that brings us to childbirth. Having children often totally changes a woman's hormonal balance. After having my first child, I went through the same thing, but only for about a year or so then things seemed to come back around. After having my son (who is my second child and now almost 15) I totally lost all desire for sex. The doctor put me on anti-depressants and said that would help. Well, it helped with my general well being, but not the sex drive. I'm very fortunate in that my husband was so understanding and patient with me.

I do want to give you a woman's view about this. It tore me up inside that this part of our marriage turned from being quite active to almost nonexistant for a very long time. I adore my husband, and I love being close with him. He is a wonderful lover and he is also my soul mate. I feel so guilty that he had to go without when he shouldn't have had to. I made every effort to try and be open to the closeness, but for some reason my body just did not cooperate sometimes. I literally cried at nights because of the guilt I felt over this.

I know I told my husband it's not him many times, and this is 100% true. It wasn't him, it was something in my body that changed. Talk to your wife. Not when you are trying to initiate intercourse. Try and talk with her about your feelings and her feelings when it's just the two of you. Chances are, your wife truly feels terrible about this. If she feels like I did, she just doesn't know what else to say other than to tell you it's not you.

Things have gotten better over the years and I have gotten some of my sex drive back, but it's still not back 100%. During those times when my body just won't cooperate, hubby and I find other ways to be intimate and close.

I also have to agree it's a good idea to try and make romantic time for you and your wife when the twins aren't around. Maybe get a family member to take them for the night. Or, have a family member spend the night at your house with the twins, and you get a room for the night with your wife. Make it a nice romantic night with dinner, movies, dancing- or just a walk on the beach if you live close to one. Being just husband and wife without the children is healthy for you two as well as the children.

I hope things even out for both you and your wife. It sounds like you love her so much and want to be close with her. She's very lucky because many men would not be so patient. I know I'm thankful my husband stuck through those times with me.
Thank you very much for you input. I've tried numerous things by taking my girls to my mom's for the night, Dinner, Flowers and still nothing. I've been very patient but running out of options. I've talked to her about how she's feeling and she tells me she's fine. I've asked her if it's me and nope all is good. Not sure.

 
Old 03-13-2009, 11:19 AM   #11
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Re: Wife and Husband Sex

Wow- It really does sound like you are trying so very hard to make things good for your wife. It sounds like you are doing everything in your power to "set the mood", all the while being so patient. First, I applaud you for being so patient. Many men wouldn't be. I know you are at your wits end and just want things to be back to normal. Having a close intimate relationship is very important in a marriage.

I just don't have any other suggestions except to turn to the medical field. She may need to see her GYN and have some tests run. Her hormone levels could be the issue here, and if so, it can usually be treated. If she is on the Cymbalta for depression, then maybe she can be switched to something with less occurrance of "loss of libido" side effects. Unfortunately, many of them carry this side effect.

Also, you might consider her seeing an endochrinologist. There are certain conditions such as slow thyroid that can cause loss of libido as well. (As a side note, it causes depression too)

This could also be as simple as your wife not being at all happy with her body since carrying twins. A woman who isn't happy with how her body looks will, many times, go out of her way to avoid sexual relations with her husband. I gained 48 pounds when I was pregnant with my son, and after having him I wouldn't allow my husband to even see me in the shower for a very long time. Thank goodness I was able to get back to pre-pregnancy weight.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I know my husband must have felt the same way when I was going through my loss of libido. I wish there were more options I could suggest, but again, sounds like you are trying to cover all the bases so to speak.

This might become an issue where the two of you may need counseling. It's obviously bothering you, and when all she can say is, "it isn't you.", then there has to be something going on if it's not medically related. Maybe a counselor can get to the root of it?

Best wishes, and again, I hope this improves for you two.

Last edited by ozzybug; 03-13-2009 at 11:21 AM. Reason: Spelling...as usual

 
Old 03-27-2009, 10:09 AM   #12
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Re: Wife and Husband Sex

I have a copper non-hormonal IUD & a huge sex drive, much more so than in earlier years of marraige , so it isn't the IUD. Maybe the drug you mention. Surely they can perscribe something else, and hopefully she is more than willing to do this for you-- for your marraige. I am the wife with the higher sex drive, so I feel for you. It is so easy to take care of a man, I really dont understand why women don't do what they need to do to please their men, if they struggle with this. Physical intimacy is so vital in a happy marraige. An excellent book to read and possibly help is "Passionate Marraige". You have been patiently waiting over 2 months to be with your wife, You are a Saint. But you shouldnt be required to remain one. She needs to KNOW how you are feeling.

Last edited by Tenacious; 03-27-2009 at 10:15 AM. Reason: added another sentence.

 
Old 03-29-2009, 08:47 PM   #13
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Re: Wife and Husband Sex

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I have a copper non-hormonal IUD & a huge sex drive, much more so than in earlier years of marraige , so it isn't the IUD. Maybe the drug you mention. Surely they can perscribe something else, and hopefully she is more than willing to do this for you-- for your marraige. I am the wife with the higher sex drive, so I feel for you. It is so easy to take care of a man, I really dont understand why women don't do what they need to do to please their men, if they struggle with this. Physical intimacy is so vital in a happy marraige. An excellent book to read and possibly help is "Passionate Marraige". You have been patiently waiting over 2 months to be with your wife, You are a Saint. But you shouldnt be required to remain one. She needs to KNOW how you are feeling.

I do appriciate everyone for their input. I helps to put some ease at all this. I'm trying to convince my wife to go and speak with the doctor. I'm really hoping she considers speaking to her. I know that if things don't change I'm going to have to thing about some type of marriage councelling. I think it would be my last resort. I told her how I've felt and how frustrating it can be, but she not letting it sink in. It's like water off a ducks back......

 
Old 06-15-2009, 01:18 PM   #14
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Re: Wife and Husband Sex

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Originally Posted by Streaker76 View Post
I do appriciate everyone for their input. I helps to put some ease at all this. I'm trying to convince my wife to go and speak with the doctor. I'm really hoping she considers speaking to her. I know that if things don't change I'm going to have to thing about some type of marriage councelling. I think it would be my last resort. I told her how I've felt and how frustrating it can be, but she not letting it sink in. It's like water off a ducks back......

"like water off a ducks back" is the perfect analogy for my wifes issues. It's like she is in denial. The problem is this isn't just a minor problem that will go away.

It's funny, my wife will tell me how tired she is but when we lay down she can watch tv or read for hours. Im about to throw the tv in the bedroom out in the front yard!

 
Old 03-21-2011, 12:00 AM   #15
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Re: Wife and Husband Sex

Of course it's not you, she's had two children at the same time, not feeling like herself pre babies. Has she gained any weight from her pre pregnancy days? That might be a factor. She might feel like she is not sexy anymore, women who are not confident don't enjoy sex as much as a woman who is confident with her body. Maybe she feels like it wouldnt satisfy you. I recommend signing her up for yoga classes, most preferably somewhere with child care services. Exercising has been proven to greatly enhance a person's self esteem and mental outlook, helps reduce stress and anxiety and women who exercise report being happier than those who do not exercise. Now I might be wrong and your wife might be in great shape and works out or doesnt work out, or in okay shape and works out or doesnt work out. But if she doesnt work out regardless of her physic working out will make her less depressed, more confident. Now you cannot tell her that she should sign up at the gym, then u will make her more depressed. So suggest yoga as a way to help her feel more relaxed. This way she is getting a work out that helps her relax, or tell her to sign up for zumba classes, which is really fun, it's a type of latin dance workout, provides a fun and enjoyable social environment, enhances self esteem and general well being, enhances relaxation, reduces depression, stress and anxiety. Sometimes females feel they do not look "the same" down there after giving birth, regardless the working out will make her forget this insecurity if it exists. Add to these insecurities the effects of the medicine she is taking, with the stress of two children and a husband she might feel she is not satisfying and u might begin to see that she is not denying u sex because of u, but because she has some things she needs to sort out with herself. Be patient and supportive. She is 28, almost 30. I am a 23 yr old female unwed, with no children and society makes it seem like once a female hits 25 yrs old she is considered "old". So be patient, don't cheat. Give her a gift card to victoria secret or something, dont pick something out for her she might not be comfortable wearing it for you. I suggested the self esteem thing because all of the females that I know that have had children have suffered a sort of depression like state even a few yrs after giving birth. But once they started working out, even though most of them were already in shape, they began to return to their old selves again (personality wise). So when she says its not you, trust her its not you, don't ask her if its you because then she will feel like her problem is pushing you away and that will make her feel more depressed. Compliment her just because she is a mother now doesnt mean she is just a mother. She's still a woman, mother, wife and so on.... And don't ask her for sex, initiate it. If she doesnt go with it then let her know its okay and kiss her.

 
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