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Old 03-30-2009, 08:52 AM   #1
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question for men re: porn... sort of long post

I have been with my bf for 7 months now. In the beginning we had a decent amount of sex, or I would atleast service him. He's 41, I'm 30. Prior to me he dated someone younger and it's my understanding they had sex all the time. After they broke up, he bought a bunch of porn and got off atleast everyday, some times twice a day. He threw them all away for me because I HATE porn. I saw once in his computer history that he was looking at it online and completely freaked out. He supposedly quit the website he subscribed to as well, but I can't be sure because I've snooped around so much I'm not allowed on it anymore.

Around Christmas time, he got very depressed and completely shut down emotionally and sexually. Since then we've had alot of problems because for me, sex is how I feel really close to him. And when he's emotionally distant I'm always assuming it's something I've done. So I tweak out on him almost nightly. Lots of fights. Lots of nights I haven't been with him because of me tweaking. The depression has improved since, but our sex life hasn't.

Other than a mutual masterbation session 2 weeks ago, it's been nothing for 3 months. This weekend his daughter was with her mom. I got the chance last night to check his browser history while he was in the bathroom and it was completely empty. That seems a little fishy and I'm tweaking out right now, like I always do when his daughter isn't home, assuming that he watched porn. Something he promised me he wouldn't do anymore.

So....question:
How is it that he was so sexually active only 7 months ago, but not anymore? He says he loves me...and that it's nothing that I've done.

Is it really possible the guy has gone 3 months without any sexual anything? If he masturbates fine...we all do it. It's the porn part that I hate. I'd ask him to end the tweaking, but I am so sick of having the same conversation over and over. He knows how I feel about it. I just don't want to be lied to...I'm no chump.

I do want to add that I never orgasm with intercourse which I know frustrates him. But I've reassured him that just because I'm "an outtie", it still feels really good. And also that he has told me if I want to do it, just take it. But I'm not the type who is comfortable initiating. I don't want to make him do something he doesn't want to.

This is nuts...I'm aroused almost all the time lately. I feel like a teenage boy! It would be really nice to feel desireable and wanted again.
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Old 03-30-2009, 11:52 AM   #2
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Re: question for men re: porn... sort of long post

Let me start by saying I don't really approve of porn, either. My ex-H became addicted to it, so I have a definite issue with it.

However, I have to say that the way you check up on him constantly has made him feel inadequate and that you are treating him like a child. This would affect having sex with you. It would affect how he feels about you, and I would not be surprised if he has lost interest and wants to end the relationship. No one should ever have to check up on another person continually. You either trust him or you don't. And if you don't trust him, then there is no loving relationship.

 
Old 03-30-2009, 02:48 PM   #3
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Re: question for men re: porn... sort of long post

We've discussed that. He doesn't want to end it with me. Infact he talks about us getting a place together when our leases are up. And last night was the first time in over a month that I checked on anything with him.

Overall I trust him...but, I will never trust any man when it comes to that subject. I got burned badly in the past.
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Old 03-31-2009, 02:03 PM   #4
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Re: question for men re: porn... sort of long post

I think you need to stop worrying so much about what occupies his mind and start concentrating on your own sexuality. All of this bottled up concern and worry about how often he's had sex during this time or not had sex during that time or how many times a day he climaxed during this phase of his life ... yikes!!! It's no wonder you can't orgasm with him.

 
Old 04-01-2009, 11:27 AM   #5
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Re: question for men re: porn... sort of long post

Like everyone else said that snoopong around made him feel untrusted, and depression is nasty trust me it is...perhaps he needs to talk to someone about that

 
Old 04-01-2009, 04:07 PM   #6
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Re: question for men re: porn... sort of long post

Do you see the pattern? The more you have bugged him and interfered in his personal life, the more distant he has become. If you liked your sex life when he had access to porn, and you don't like it after you have attempted to dictate to him how to conduct his life, I don't see you have a lot to be complaining about. Your controlling what he looks at is the same as you controlling his life. If his porn viewing is not impacting your relationship in a negative way (other you simply not liking it), then why make a huge deal out of it?

Why don't you apologize to him about what you have done and tell him he can look at it all he wants. Maybe you should go out and buy or rent a porn video suitable for couples and do what they do in the movie? Show him you aren't going to be intimidated by porn anymore and you actually want to enjoy it with him.

Now, also, as you seem to realize, people often need to have a sexual release by themselves in private. Most men do need to have some sort of visual fantasy to do this, and most men will not be masturbating to pictures or thoughts of their wives or long-term girlfriends, as there is not much of a fantasy there anymore (though they most certainly had such fantasies early in the relationship). That said, such fantasies should not be a threat to you, as most mean understand quite well that they are just fantasies. So, let him have his fun. Most likely, he will "grow up" once it is all out in the open and is accepted and even shared by you.

 
Old 04-02-2009, 08:58 AM   #7
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Re: question for men re: porn... sort of long post

I know this may seem strange, but I used to flip out on my husband over him looking at Porn on the net also, UNTIL I got the higher sex drive and he was slowing down, then I started to become concerned why he didn't care about Porn anymore and was wishing he did ! SO now , we watch it together -quite alot in fact, we both like the softer stuff with a storyline. Candidia Royall movies (spelling probably wrong) or Playgirl stuff may appeal to you if you open yourself up to the thought. If a Man is no longer thinking about women in any way, there is something wrong, better to have him have his mind on sex in some way, a few naughty fantasies wont hurt.... As long as he saves the fun for YOU. That is how I look at it now.

 
Old 04-03-2009, 05:52 AM   #8
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Re: question for men re: porn... sort of long post

I have been in a relationship exactly the same..where at the start of the relationship everything was great, our sex life trust everything..then it all started where i was cleaning his bedroom oneday and found a stash of porn under his bed i kinda thought it was funny at first so i askd him about it and he said his mate gave it to him before we met but hasnt lookd at it since so i thought alright then and left it..then abotu a month later we was going through some old vidios of his and i noticed that there was quite a few blank ones with no cover on etc so later i watchd afew when he wasnt there and found some more porn..again he was like..yea i recorded then for a mate there not mine..so i was like alright..but they neva moved they stayd one his shelf so my snooping became more regular like alot more..then one day he was on his comp and i was upstairs but his comp use to be behind a wall, on the other side was the kitchen with a hole in the wall connecting them together as there was a breackfast bar there, i snuck downstairs to pretend to scare him.. and i peerd through the hole and saw he was on soem porn site..he didnt even notice i was standign there..so i didnt reavele myself i went back up stairs and called him. he came up i was liek so..what was you doing on the comp he lied to me said was looking at football untill i said i saw u was watching porn..he then didnt know what to say and couldnt blame anyone else so got in a big stress with me and ignored me basicly so after that i was constantly looking out for things like that and i hated being liek it so much i was always on edge waiting to find somting else..inyet after all this him knowing my hatrid of the stuff a few months later we moved into my place and oh look he had hid some porn mags and dvds under my own bed.... thinking i wouldnt find them >< so i couldnt take anymore he ovbously wasnt going to stop so we did breack up in the end..not all together becouse of that issue a few more..but i didnt like what i had become because of his additction...noone likes to be watchd 24/7 and by me doing that proberly made it all worse..so the guy im with now i have told him of this storey luckerly he isnt so into it and i knwo theres none in the house..but ofc men liek porn..so i came to a agreement that we would watch it together occasionally so theres no going behind each others back, whould that be somting u would be willing to try? sorry for the massive essay

 
Old 04-04-2009, 02:43 PM   #9
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Re: question for men re: porn... sort of long post

I realize that I am kind of on the outside here, but I actually enjoy porn. I used to think it was disgusting, but found that if you relax and allow yourself, you might actually become aroused and maybe even learn a few things. I think that porn for men is natural. It's not a direct reflection of their current relationships, it's just part of who they are like shoes are to women (I realize I am stereotyping.. but bare with me.)
If that is something that sincerely bothers you then I can't see your opinion changing. I just think you may be better off not trying to change something so inherent in most men and find a man that feels the same as you. That way you'd have no issues and no necessity to ask them NOT to do something that they enjoy. It seems so many relationships are like that now, and it's sad. It's almost as if we give up on finding our soulmate and settle on someone we can "tweak" and change to become our soul mate.

 
Old 04-05-2009, 03:05 AM   #10
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Re: question for men re: porn... sort of long post

Quote:
Originally Posted by im1here View Post
Overall I trust him...but, I will never trust any man when it comes to that subject. I got burned badly in the past.
The simple fact that you have written off an entire sex because of your past is close minded and selfish. I can only hope you change because there is nothing more satisfying than being able to trust someone.
It looks like you have some serious trust issues with your man and that alone sets off all kinds of bells and whistles.

I can only hope for the best but you cant force a person to change and if you think otherwise then you are living in a dream world. If the guy likes porn and doesn't want to put it down then I suggest growing up or moving on.

Cheers

Cellar Door.

Last edited by Mod-S4; 04-05-2009 at 04:20 AM. Reason: Please remember these are support boards. Rude comment removed.

 
Old 04-06-2009, 08:36 AM   #11
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Re: question for men re: porn... sort of long post

If the fact that I was raped by an ex while he watched the stuff isn't helpful in explaining why I don't like it, then that's fine you think I'm immature and selfish. He doesn't know this, but the last guy I was with did and it didn't change a thing. He watched it daily, and while our children were around, and he lied about it.

Thanks all for your help
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Last edited by im1here; 04-06-2009 at 08:37 AM.

 
Old 04-06-2009, 12:36 PM   #12
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Re: question for men re: porn... sort of long post

Quote:
Originally Posted by im1here View Post
If the fact that I was raped by an ex while he watched the stuff isn't helpful in explaining why I don't like it, then that's fine you think I'm immature and selfish. He doesn't know this, but the last guy I was with did and it didn't change a thing. He watched it daily, and while our children were around, and he lied about it.

Thanks all for your help
It's understandable why you don't like it. However, two things. 1) You cannot exptect him to understand unless you tell him the whole story and 2) I think you may have deeper emotional issues that should be addresssed instead of trying to bury them and hope you never have to deal with porn again.

I'm sorry for what you have gone through, but just as we did not have all of the information - neither does your boyfriend.

 
Old 04-06-2009, 02:59 PM   #13
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Re: question for men re: porn... sort of long post

I'm not so sure it's important for him to know. Why can't the pure simple fact that I don't like it be enough? I quit smoking and having a nightly cocktail because he didn't like it.

The whole point of this was to see if it was possible that, given his age, he could go 3 months without sexual stimulation...that's it.
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Old 04-06-2009, 10:17 PM   #14
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Re: question for men re: porn... sort of long post

Good luck, I hope he realises your values and appreciates them.



Cellar Door.

 
Old 04-08-2009, 08:56 AM   #15
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Re: question for men re: porn... sort of long post

I'm sorry to hear what happened to you, but just reading your first post and the reactions you have when you THINK he MAY have been looking at porn are just over the top. I can see where that would be driving him away- it would drive me bonkers and in fact I would not be able to stay in a relationship like that.

My ex had no problem with porn, I masturbated, she masturbated, we had sex when we were together, it was all good.

My current girlfriend has a real problem with porn, which I found out is because of her own self image issues. She said she doesn't want me looking at porn because I am lusting over the girl I'm looking at and I will hold her to those standards and etcetera. I told her that that really isn't true, it's a means of release for me when I can't be with her.

I still look at porn daily and masturbate daily (when I'm not with her or planning to be with her). I don't know if she knows that and frankly I'm not too concerned whether or not she does. As long as it doesn't interfere with our sex life (which it does not), what does it matter? I have no problem with her masturbating and in fact it would be a turn on for me to know that she did. She told me she does rarely, in the shower or whatever (she has a massaging showerhead and a rabbit).

Also, depression can have quite an impact on your sex drive. I hit a spot last year when my ex broke up with me, and I had almost zero interest in sex or masturbation for a couple weeks at least (and I'm usually mr. two-three times a day).

Last edited by ghunt; 04-08-2009 at 09:08 AM.

 
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