My fiance and I are young - both in our 20's. He has suffered with erectile dysfunction for as long as I have known him and probably longer.
My question is how do I best discuss this with him? When I try to talk to him I am very careful and conscientious about time, place, manner, and making sure not to enmasculate him in any way but he always manages to find a way out of the conversation. I have tried just not speaking about it at all . . . which has left me with ZERO intimate contact for 10 months. I have offered my support in any way he may want it and I have offered to back off completely. He has been to see three doctors (two specialists) - there was about a year in between each of these trips because that is about how long it took him to recover from each one. It seems traumatizing when he returns from the doctor and from what little he will discuss of it, it seems as though the doctors are jaded by his age - they proscribe some viagra and just send him on his way. Meds have had varied results but even if it did work, he is so reluctant to go back to the doctor, he refuses to really use the pills and stock piles them - some even went missing which I tend to believe is because he is so desperate to just avoid sex all together that he disposed of them (I highly, highly doubt he is cheating mainly because even on meds, he has a very difficult time maintaining an erection and enjoying sex). The mere mention of therapy sends him into full on "brick wall mode" - he just shuts off totally.
I worry about his mental health and I worry about mine - my self esteem has all but been destroyed by this EVEN though I KNOW that it probably has nothing to do with me . . . that is little consolation. If I am suffering like this, I know it is killing him and I just want some more suggestions as to what I can possibly do. I don't want him to live life this way and I am sure he doesn't have to. Thanks for your time.
Yea, . . . still hoping someone will try and give some/any advice on this issue. I'm starting to realize more and more that it seems so many people dealing with this issue have joined a "club of silence" and must apparently just live with purple elephants in every room of their house.
I've made a couple more attempts to discuss this problem with my fiance since my last post. I've had more productive conversations with the wall. I'm sorry if I sound snarky here but this is one of the few opportunities I have to vent a bit about this issue because I certainly don't speak to him with the kind of tone I am typing with right now.
I feel for you and if you are not married yet, I would not rush into this, I understand he is soooo sensitive here, but he must have some concern for your desires/needs here, and do what HE CAN to meet you half way if you want to have a fullfilling lasting marraige. Stock piling these Erection helpers -when they do work sometimes and ignoring your needs would not be acceptable to most women. He has to do what he can to fix this. If he has a severe problem, they do give young men penile implants. There are other ways, don't marry someone you wont have intimacy with, you WILL regret it. Finances, Communication and Sex are the top 3 marraige breakers. Please sort this out before you take the plunge.
I agree that if he can't talk about something this important that you need to evaluate your relationship with him. It would be one thing if he has a real physical problem and he had tried to get better, but it seems he has given up on trying to get better and doesn't even want to think about dealing with it. He is also totally shutting you off. Is that the kind of man you want to spend the rest of your life with?
I would certainly get this resolved before you get married. I got married 30 years ago to a woman who didn't really have any interest in sex. I figured she'd change...she never did and our marriage was horrible... for that and other reasons but the lack of sexual desire was a HUGE factor.
I'm very sorry you're in such a difficult and painful situation. You're engaged to marry a man with whom you haven't had sex in 10 months, and he won't discuss it with you. Is it OK with him? If you marry, how will you feel in 5, 10, 20 years? Will you be able to be happy in a marriage without sex -- or communication?
I think you've done all you can in trying to encourage your fiance to seek medical help. He has to WANT to get help. Does he?
At this point, you need to think about yourself, your needs, and your future happiness. It's all up to you, now.
I have run into this same situation...It is terribly confusing since men are "supposed" to be sexually dominant. How could the man we love, not be the least bit interested? It brings up all kinds of weird thoughts in a womans mind, for sure. The idea of bringing it up is taboo, much less requiring a man to confront it, and "fix" it.
While women go to the doctors in the most uncomfortable possible position (literally), all throughout their lives, men act like they don't have to address anything "down there".
I did the whole "its ok with me" thing, and that left me feeling fat, old, ugly, and unavailable. What a crappy feeling.
I can relate to your problem. I am going through something rough and new with my fiance as well. I am on here really because after a talk or two with him on the subject of ED, he said he did not know what to tell me. I'm at that point where I feel like I don't even turn him on anymore. He says it's not me and to trust in him and that. He said the mind is willing but the body part is not cooperating. We once had a wonderful intimate life. I loved every minute of it, but now it's not even the semblence of what it once was. I feel so alone in this. I mean he has me to count on and talk to about this, but I on the other hand have no one. We too are a young couple and this is all new to us both and don't know how to handle it. I don't know how to handle it. I feel frustrated, alone, unattractive, unwanted, undesirable to him. He tells me he once highly enjoyed sex and now he shivers at the very thought of it because of the ED. Physically I am starving for his closeness. Mentally, it is soooooooooo draining. I don't even know what to do anymore.
You will either need to leave him to get the closeness you crave; tell him you will accept things as they are but he needs to provide you with the intimacy you need (i.e. he can still cuddle and he can still hold a vibrator!); live with it and be miserable and turn into a bitchy wife.
Yes your in a tough situation and I have to say are really being a wonderful woman by trying to stand by his side and work things out the way you are.
I think you have been more than patient and it's time for him to be a man and face this problem with you head on, that is only way it will ever get fixed. Trying to be sensitive or nice about to not offend his man hood in anyway is really sweet and great of you, but he obviously is not getting the message that way.
It's time to confront this thing head on, you are about to marry this guy and live like this for the rest of your life,. Now if you are really into having sex as alot of poeple are and your fiance just has not interest in it, this could be a major problem for you and it can turn your marriage into a living hell.
You are right and a good woman for standing by your man and doing things the way you have been, but t sounds like he has no interest in doing anything about for you or showing any kind of understanding for the way you feel.
I wonder is it possible that he takes any kind of meds such as anti depressants or pain medication (narcotic) these meds can have a huge impact on a mans sexual desire and his testosterone level.?
And even if he does not take meds he may suffer from Low testosterone anyways. He should get checked for it and if he does indeed suffer from Low T, some T therapy (Which there many helpful therapy's), Such as the Gel or a patch or even shots, can boost his T level and give him back his erection and desire for sex.
Low Testosterone is a common probelm among men, more common than people even know. And young men who usually have low sex drive have Low T. So regardless of his age (And it sounds like you guys are fairly young) it is still possible and not uncommon to have Low T for no reason. Again if he is taking meds than Low T is even more likely depending on the med he takes. But its a simple blood test, and once performed the T test along with other hormones they check can reveal alot about his situation
Beleive me I'm now on T therapy because I have low T because of pain medication that I have taken for years and there are days were my sex drive is almost that of how it was when I was a teenager. (Due to being on Therapy for Low T)
But in order to disuss the above idea you guys are going to have to confront this together with "Open Dialogue", no more being afraid to discuss it. And just tell him it's nothing for you to feel bad about with me honey and that you are there for him and the reason you want to resolve this is so you can share your love for him more intimately. And he should have you involved with him with his doctor appointments and treatments if necessary.
Again if he does not want to face this and acknowledge your feelings on this matter I would seriously consider going into a marriage with him, unless you can accept the kind of life your living now for the rest of your life. There is nothing wrong for wanting to be sexually fullfilled and nothing for you to feel guilty about for expecting that from your husband. Even bilblically a man and a woman are expected to meet there partner needs sexually.