Help With Understanding Wife and Sex - Sexual Health - General Message Board

8102 · 08-05-2009, 12:23 PM

I am confused/perplexed and need some advice.

Here is the story,

Wife and I have been married 2 yrs. We are both 50 this year. 2nd. marriage for me, 5th. for her. I love her very much.

Our sex life is confusing to me and I don't know whether I need to just suck it up and accept things as they are or what.

As well, she says she was touched inappropiately many many years ago, she was a child and I suspect that this is also affecting her but she says she is fine and does not need to discuss it with anyone including me.

The Rules:

We are not allowed to be intimate when any of our kids (2 of mine, 1 of hers from previous marriages) are staying with us, we are not allowed to be intimate when guests or parents are staying with us, we are not allowed to be intimate when we are staying at her parents house out of town (They are older, we go there a lot). We are not allowed to be intimate when she has her period. And we are not allowed to be intimate during the day on weekends because one of the kids might come over to the house. None of our kids live with us. She is not into spontaneity.

When we are intimate I always pleasure her with massages, kissing, touching, cuddling, and oral stimulation, which she seems to enjoy. With me I am offered plain straight intercourse, she does not seem to be interested in reciprocating at all. And there is no cuddling afterwards, she gets up, goes to the bathroom, and that is it.

She did reciprocate very early in our relationship though, she wore costumes (on her own, I did not ask her to) that she said she had from previous relationships (she told me this) and she would occasionally do other things to/for me.

We have talked about how to make our intimate time together more inclusive but she gets mad very quickly and said that if I want romance, I should take her away like her boyfriends use to. She then said she would return the attention I show her and that is where the discussion ended. We do go away, Europe, Carribean, local trips - things are not so different away.

I have never forced any of the above stuff with her, and I will not. I am thinking this whole thing has to be my fault, but I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I should stop trying, just do the straight act, but I want more, I want cuddling, kissing, holding etc. and I don't want to turn into a selfish person who is only concerned about their own pleasure, i just don't think that is the way to be.

Like I said earlier, I love my wife very much, I want to be with her, and if I have to give up stuff to do it I will, but I am not sure whether it is me (I turn her off for example) or she is just not interested - period.

Anyone have an idea what I am doing wrong?

Lily2005 · 08-05-2009, 03:46 PM

I'm sorry that you're going through this but I doubt it is your fault. If I read your post correctly, your wife has had four previous husbands along with boyfriends. There must be some reason all those relationships ended. Could it be this intimacy factor?

Apparently, if you take her away on trips, she'll be more affectionate. Has that worked?
Did you know any of this before you married her?

Since she's 50 years old, perhaps hormonal fluctuations are an issue. Supplemental bioidentical hormone therapy might help -- if your wife WANTS anything to be better. Is sex painful for her in any way?

Would your wife agree to marriage counseling? Would you be willing to live this way forever if nothing changes?

AnnD · 08-05-2009, 04:13 PM

We all bring baggage to a second, third,forth,fifth marriages and her baggage is sex...she doesn't really like it much in fact if she told the truth she hates sex. I understand all of her complaints except the one about maybe kids might stop over...I would hope you have locks on your house and I would also expect the older kids to knock/ring door bell or something rather than just walking in. That is only fair to you both. It might be different if you two were all the kids parents but you are not so everyone should have to wait at the door until you let them in. I suspect she has told them they can just walk in? The bottom line is she doesn't like sex and I don't think that will ever change so you have the burden of deciding if what you do get in the way of sex is enough or not. Good luck.

pendulum · 08-05-2009, 06:44 PM

I don't know that you are doing anything wrong, but just a thought...

Don't get me wrong, I am not saying you are not virile enough, but any man can try and become a little more virile and give his partner longer and more intense orgasms.

Why not?

Just Tell Me · 08-06-2009, 05:35 AM

She doesn't appear to be a sexual person and if she's used the bait and switch techniques with past partners that she's used on you, it's easy to see why she hasn't been able to maintain a lengthy long term relationship. Her past husbands aren't dead are they? She's also probubly set in her ways, I'm 45 and pretty set in mine too. Instead of hinting at being romanced in order to get her to do "other things" she needs to tell you clearly what she means by that. Men, no offence, don't take hints very well and need more details.
I'm not saying that you should disrespect her boundaries but you should definately clear the air about how you feel about her rules, what you expect in your relationship and your hopes for continued sexual intimacy with her. She doesn't have to do anything she doesn't want to do of course, but she owes it to you to hear you out. I think she has misled you to some degree and she needs to be called out on that. Would you have married her had you known in advance how she responds sexually?