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Old 09-27-2009, 06:52 AM   #1
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How often do married couples have sex?

What is an average amount that a newly married couple in their early 30s has sex? (for the first couple years of the marriage)?

 
Old 09-27-2009, 10:03 AM   #2
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Re: How often do married couples have sex?

We were married in our early 20s & had sex every day. By the early 30s it slowed down to 3 or 4 times a week.

It depends a lot on your testosterone levels. High Testosterone, high sex drive.

 
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Old 09-30-2009, 08:07 PM   #3
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Re: How often do married couples have sex?

Everyone is soooo different when it comes to frequency & sex (varies from normalcy once a week to once a day, sometimes more if you are younger), as long as you & your partner wants the same frequency, you have it made--and life will go smoothly without anyone getting frustrated. It gets tough when one has a higher sex drive than the other. Me & my husband are in our 40's and we are doing it WAY more (4-5 times a week) than we ever did even in our 20's & 30's, but that is just cause my sex drive increased & he is readily taking advantage of that. When his drive was higher, he didn't push, but more so suffered in silence. I regret I was not there for him the way he needed.

 
Old 10-01-2009, 05:24 AM   #4
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Re: How often do married couples have sex?

Quote:
Originally Posted by JinL View Post
...

It depends a lot on your testosterone levels. High Testosterone, high sex drive.
Yes, but it also depends on whether you have kids or not. When you have kids, you usually have less sex.

 
Old 10-01-2009, 06:29 AM   #5
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Re: How often do married couples have sex?

1) Why would you have less sex when you have kids? Is it purely because it's less convenient?

2) If the woman isn't in the mood for sex but once a week, would it be reasonable to hope that she would be agreeable to giving oral sex when not in the mood for real sex? Given that she receives 5-10 mins of oral sex as foreplay before every single time we have sex (and given that she has not minded providing oral in the past but never volunteers to do it). She is just always tired or aching and never in the mood for sex, and I'm constantly sexually frustrated.

 
Old 10-01-2009, 08:37 AM   #6
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Re: How often do married couples have sex?

Kids make no difference at all- at least not for us, we have 6 ranging from age 2-18, as long as you have a door on your bedroom, and are in the mood, sex can -and for us, does, become a priority--or I would be frustrated and nobody in the house needs that. I have noticed though, that less things get done around the house in comparison to before when we had less sex. I feel bad for all men who are not getting what they need, this is why there is so much adultery out there, why it is so hard to resist. I am reading a book called "Kosher Adultery" written by a Rabbi, what a eye opener --all about having an affair with your spouse. If anyone is even thinking about an affair, get this book. It could change your marraige. I did not buy it for that reason, more so to KEEP the passion & fire going as we age & things slow down.

 
Old 10-01-2009, 02:14 PM   #7
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Re: How often do married couples have sex?

2) If the woman isn't in the mood for sex but once a week, would it be reasonable to hope that she would be agreeable to giving oral sex when not in the mood for real sex? Given that she receives 5-10 mins of oral sex as foreplay before every single time we have sex (and given that she has not minded providing oral in the past but never volunteers to do it). She is just always tired or aching and never in the mood for sex, and I'm constantly sexually frustrated.[/QUOTE]

Why would or should she be agreeable for one-sided oral sex when she isn't in the mood for sex? Not being in the mood means she's not in the mood to participate or be your personal prostitiute because you have frustrations! Have you considered what you can do to help make her less "aching", "tired" and more "in the mood"? How do you know she doesn't mind, if she really didn't mind, she would offer on her own now wouldn't she! Surely there are things that you could offer to do for her that may incite some interest on her part. For the record, I never offer oral sex unless I really want to be with my husband and I CAN"T have intercourse. Oral whether it's on me or on him is not the most pleasurable thing for me to recieve or give and frankly I'd be hard pressed to put him on the couch should he ever make such a request of me when I'm "not in the mood". Instead of being sexually frustrated, employ the use of palmer left and right to accomadate your needs when your partner isn't in the mood for you.
You can't compare the frequency you have with your partner with the frequencny of other couples. There are so many variables and we are not your partner, she is. You need to learn how to negotiate and bargain, without whining and threatening as most men tend to do. If you want more sex, you need to find ways to please and satisfy her both in and out of the bedroom. Usually if you make your partner happy, they are more than willing to try to accomadate reasonable requests. Chances are, you are not meeting some needs she has so she's less in the mood and allot less willing to make concessions on your behalf. Once you figure out what she needs and do your best to meet those needs, you'll probubly find that your own will be meet with allot more passion and enthusiasm.

 
Old 10-05-2009, 02:42 PM   #8
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Re: How often do married couples have sex?

"just tell me" - I disagree with several of the points you made:

1) Why would or should she be agreeable for one-sided oral sex when she isn't in the mood for sex?

Because that's what has happened in many of my past relationships. The woman wasn't in the mood for sex but she wanted to please her man anyway, and she went out of the way to do it.

Furthermore, it's the responsibility that I live by in every relationship I'm in. My woman wants something, whether oral sex, a backrub, or me to get her a drink of water when she's tired - I oblige and do what is necessary to keep her happy. I have an excellent track record of that in bed & out of bed, so what's wrong with hoping to get the same consideration in return?

2) Have you considered what you can do to help make her less "aching", "tired" and more "in the mood"?

Of course I've considered, in fact making her happy inside and outside the bedroom is my primary concern.

3) Oral whether it's on me or on him is not the most pleasurable thing for me to recieve or give...

Likewise for me, I used to HATE giving oral to a woman for many years, when women would volunteer to give unrequested oral sex on me which was I never returned the favor.

That changed with a previous ex who loved giving it, and I realized just how much she loved receiving it. She would always make sure she was squeaky clean beforehand, and when I saw how much it turned her on, that made me love to give it even more, since oral sex may sound one sided, but in reality her pleasure became my pleasure.

4) Instead of being sexually frustrated, employ the use of palmer left and right to accomadate your needs when your partner isn't in the mood for you.

I must disagree with this. Masturbation as a substitute for physical intimacy is not recommended by most marriage experts (In fact Mark Gungor explicitely recommends against masturbation in the book "Laugh your way to a better marriage")

What do you think guys masturbate to? Generally porn involving other women. Much healthier to save your sexual desires for your spouse.

5) Usually if you make your partner happy, they are more than willing to try to accomadate reasonable requests.

I wish that were the case, but a low libido is not always able to be cured with motivating your partner in other ways. I've tried. My issue is how to make my partner place more of an emphasis on the importance of sex in a marriage - if it is too much trouble to have sex or even provide oral enjoyment, that often dooms the marriage to instability and risk of infidelities at some point.

Just my opinion....

 
Old 10-05-2009, 07:18 PM   #9
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Re: How often do married couples have sex?

Draca: As a wife & a woman, I most 100% agree with your responses, VERY well worded, Intimacy in marraige is Sooooooooo important, infact vital for it's survival & happiness, you realize going off to take care of yourself when you wife refuses you is not good for the marraige, it hurts you, it puts your mind places it should not be. No man gets married with the intention of living anywhere close to a celibate lifestyle or having to resort to rosy palms on a continuing basis. It sounds as though you go out of your way to please your wife when she needs you in ways in & out of bed. I read alot of books by Sex therapists, you understand of what you speak of. You really need to talk to her , and let her know of your frustration, your hurt, your everything , and hopefully she will meet you half way to accomadate you when you are in need. A great book to get is called "When Your Sex Drives Don't Match" by Sandra Pertot, it has 10 different libito types and helps to understand the other types, it might help your wife understand YOU as well. Your quote "her pleasure became my pleasure" is how we all should feel about the ones we love, wives included.

 
Old 10-06-2009, 02:16 PM   #10
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Re: How often do married couples have sex?

Quote:
Originally Posted by draca View Post
"just tell me" - I disagree with several of the points you made:
That's certainly your perogative and I don't want to argue, but there is more than one point of view when you are in a relationship, it's more than just about you!

1) Why would or should she be agreeable for one-sided oral sex when she isn't in the mood for sex?

Because that's what has happened in many of my past relationships. The woman wasn't in the mood for sex but she wanted to please her man anyway, and she went out of the way to do it.
** again, that's another person entirely and not your currant partner. If sex with them was so great and they were so self-less in their persuit of your satifaction, why aren't you with any of them. They sound so perfect!

Furthermore, it's the responsibility that I live by in every relationship I'm in. My woman wants something, whether oral sex, a backrub, or me to get her a drink of water when she's tired - I oblige and do what is necessary to keep her happy. I have an excellent track record of that in bed & out of bed, so what's wrong with hoping to get the same consideration in return?
** Nothing if you and this partner are on the same page, she obviously isn't and oral may be one of her limits. The only person you have any control over is yourself. Everyone has there limits and boundaries and I think it's pretty selfish to "expect" someone to do something just because past partners did something. That's comparing and next you'll be comparing and finding fault because she doesn't act or look like a porn actress.

2) Have you considered what you can do to help make her less "aching", "tired" and more "in the mood"?

Of course I've considered, in fact making her happy inside and outside the bedroom is my primary concern.
** It's obviously not working or you are performing tasks tit for tat and she's unaware that there is a price for your favors that she's not paying for it. You clearly need some open and honest communication regarding expectations vs reality so you both know the deal, not just you doing things for her and expecting favors.

3) Oral whether it's on me or on him is not the most pleasurable thing for me to recieve or give...

Likewise for me, I used to HATE giving oral to a woman for many years, when women would volunteer to give unrequested oral sex on me which was I never returned the favor.

That changed with a previous ex who loved giving it, and I realized just how much she loved receiving it. She would always make sure she was squeaky clean beforehand, and when I saw how much it turned her on, that made me love to give it even more, since oral sex may sound one sided, but in reality her pleasure became my pleasure.
** did you know that most women need oral or similar stimulation in order to reach orgasm, not providing oral sex is like withholding an orgasm and release but I still don't see what that has to do with it. Not every woman on the planet lives to suck it nor does evey woman on the planet like having hers licked either, I'm sorry for being blunt. You want a BJ just for yourself, not in a reciprocal fashion. That's onesided and selffish.

4) Instead of being sexually frustrated, employ the use of palmer left and right to accomadate your needs when your partner isn't in the mood for you.

I must disagree with this. Masturbation as a substitute for physical intimacy is not recommended by most marriage experts (In fact Mark Gungor explicitely recommends against masturbation in the book "Laugh your way to a better marriage").
** Masterbation should never take the place of sexual intimacy within a marriage, but sometimes libido's and schedules are out of sync, it's the perfect equalizer only you have to do it for yourself and not expect your partner to blow you just because it's hard. My partner and I mutually do it a couple of times a month because I want nothing to do with a partner and it's a way to enhance intimacy when I'm untouchable ( my preferance and I mean I don't want to be touched nor do I want to touch him either!!!)

What do you think guys masturbate to? Generally porn involving other women. Much healthier to save your sexual desires for your spouse.
** That's an ADHD problem, my imagination as well as past experiences with my partner is considerably hotter and more erotic than anything I've ever seen in porn and it's not in our house. Period!!! But we make good use of our palms without it!

5) Usually if you make your partner happy, they are more than willing to try to accomadate reasonable requests.

I wish that were the case, but a low libido is not always able to be cured with motivating your partner in other ways. I've tried. My issue is how to make my partner place more of an emphasis on the importance of sex in a marriage - if it is too much trouble to have sex or even provide oral enjoyment, that often dooms the marriage to instability and risk of infidelities at some point.
** that's a cop out and it doesn't give you liscence to cheat. If your partner isn't adaquate for your needs and her boundaries or too confining, that's incompatibilty and there are no answers for that, especially if she sees no problem or feels that it isn't a priority for her life over all.
Maybe you should try the 5 languages of love and attempt to figure out how to speak in the love langauge she recognizes.

Just my opinion....
Just my opinion also!

 
Old 10-07-2009, 08:31 AM   #11
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Re: How often do married couples have sex?

First post,

Maybe I'm old school (or maybe just old) but I tend to think that sex for the sake of sex (i.e. having sex when the other partner is not in the mood) should really be the exception instead of the rule. For those who follow the Dr. Oz philosophy, he advocates sex 4-5 times a week as a way to maintain a healthy relationship. I'm not so sure I'd agree with that. Intimacy and affection are not the same as sex. It took me a long time to come to that understanding.

In my case, my libido and sex drive are much higher than my wife's. That wasn't always the case. Within the last 2 years she has started perimenopause (even though she won't admit it) and that is generally (although not always) one of the things that hormones affect most. She has virtually lost all interest in sex. Is it fair to ask of her just to be a warm body for your sake? In the beginning of this transition the frustration that builds can be overbearing and if I was asked that question, I might have said yes. I would have said that my needs are just as important and that since we are in this together that I should have some of my needs met also. If that's the warm body you want then that's ok. I don't really agree but it's only my opinion.

During all this, the one constant that I have come to learn and understand is that no matter how much you do to (or try to do) to make someone happy, you can't. Happiness is a personal qualifier that only they can determine. I could spen the next hour typing and telling the board all the things I do around the house and for her to make her life easier which I would hope would make her happy which would make her want to reciprocate. But she has to be happy with herself and her self esteem. No matter how hard you try, you can't force that upon anyone.

 
Old 10-07-2009, 09:12 AM   #12
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Re: How often do married couples have sex?

@Pretzel146,
Wow, that sounds hard, but you seem very accepting that your wife has lost all interest in sex, but may I ask, how have you addressed your own sexual needs? Are you expected to just masturbate? And how often do you two have sex at this point, and if you don't mind sharing, how old are you & your wife? Also, I looked but couldn't find on the internet where Dr. Oz advocates sex 4-5 times a week, did you you hear that on a tv show? If I understand you correctly, you are saying that making your wife happy (by doing things around the house, etc) would have little effect on her libido. This presents a very interesting dilemma... what if you are young (30s), and your wife had an early menopause, does that mean your sex life is over? I am so perplexed over the possibility that it is likely happen to me

 
Old 10-07-2009, 09:50 AM   #13
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Re: How often do married couples have sex?

draca,

To answer some of your questions. I'm 50 and my wife's 46. My first wife and I divorced about 6 years ago and she too was in peri when we divorced (although there was not connection between the two). I've been with my now current wife for 5 years (married almost 3) and pretty much have been dealing with women in this stage of their lives for the better part of the last 10 years in one way or another.

To answer some of the more specific questions. At this point, sex is pretty much a very irregular item. I could count on my hands the number of times we've had sex this year. In the interim, you do what you have to do to releive the stress and frustration. But I'd rather be able to look into my wife's eyes and see the pleasure she's having than a blank stare any day so you learn to cope. Peri and full menopause may feel like forever, but it's only a stage and I know eventually she'll overcome it. I'm hoping that she'll come to this realization soon and see her doctor, but I know enough of the signs of perimenopause and menopause itself not to be able to figure it out.

As for Dr. Oz, I don't have it on the top of my head right now what book it was in which he advocates this position. I believe it's in his book on female hormone balancing and general female health. I'm not at home this minute so I don't have the exact reference.

As to the last part of your questions, in my circumstance, it's not having any effect. That's not to say I'm not stopping what I do for her, I'd do it anyway because that's the type of person I am.

As for me, is my sex life over. Probably in the sense that it'll never be the way it was before nor will it be the way I'd like it to be. Is it over completely, no. And I doubt that if you and your wife are in their 30s yours isn't either. Marriages are ebbs and flows (at least mine have been). Many times outside influences play a greater part in ones happiness and sexuality in one partner than it does the other. I just have come to learn that it is something that's part of life and in the long term scheme of things are alot less important that being in love with the person who makes you the happiest is the greater goal.

 
Old 10-14-2009, 03:21 PM   #14
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Re: How often do married couples have sex?

Pretzel146,
I'm still kinda bothered by your predicament, I mean it sounds like your wife is in denial that she is in perimenopause. But if you sit down and talk with her about the lack of sex, what is her expectation of you - does she expect you to stay monogamous while she refuses to admit she is in peri, yet is unable to perform or enjoy sex? I've read your email over & over and am still bothered by it, although it sounds like you've answered my questions already. I just don't know how I'd be able to stay in something that continually tempted me and let me down. If that Dr. Oz book comes to mind, I'd love to find out what it is. Thank you.

 
Old 10-15-2009, 06:42 AM   #15
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Re: How often do married couples have sex?

Hi draca,

The book is called You:Being Beautiful and is pretty much a self help for women. Naturally I had gotten it for my wife a while ago and got the reaction I expected.

There's alot going on right now with her. Denial is big part of it. I also think there's a big interconnection between her physical and emotional well being that she's not dealing with. I'm now of the opinion that in addition to this, there's personal issues that are starting to make me believe that I'm in a no win situation with her. Things happened during the course of the week that are starting to have me question her commitment to the marriage.

The one thing that I won't do is go outside the marriage. I have too much respect for her and myself to allow that. The breaking point will be the end of the marriage, not infidelity on my part.

Two years running in my attempts to help her in any way I can. But as it's been said, you can't help someone who won't help themselves. Believe me, she knows things aren't right but she won't seek help. I can't do everything for her. The best I can do is talk to her, find information for her and be as supportive as I can.

 
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