To my knowledge, I've never been "sexually abused". There is no re-collection of any type of encounter like this happening where I was forced to do anything like that. However, as i've been reading "women who love too much", a book recommended by my therapist, it has been brought to my attention that as a child I acted out a lot of "sexual role-play", which, from what i've read, is common in children. This probably happened around the age of I would say 4. My parents divorced when I was about 5 or 6 and my mother was physically abusive through out this time as well. My mother had a problem with cleaning, she always wanted everything clean, and if us (my brother and I) or the house weren't cleaned it caused her a lot of stress and we paid the price for it. When I was about 7 she sent me to school with a bruised eye, which, my teacher asked about and not knowing that anything was wrong i simply told her that my mother had done it. We were removed from her care and first placed in a foster home, we were only there about a week because my father quickly got custody, so we ended up staying with him for about 6 months while my mother bettered herself and regained custody. During this whole process I felt very alone and neglected, as my father was never really around and our care taker was actually his former gf, who was very nice to us btw. I've learned from my T that this is possibly the cause of my PTSD that is triggered during romantic relationships.
Since my last failed relationship, i've been on a quest to figure myself out to better understand my situation, which is where I've come upon a new troubleing thought: was I sexually abused?
I'm asking myself this question because of these events:
While in my father's care, his gf had a daughter who was about one year older than I. She and I got a long really well and spent most of the time playing together, at some point we started to play these "real life" games like the typical "mom and dad" or "doctor and patient" which probably got a little too far for 7/8 yr olds. This ended when her mother walked in one of our games and was shocked and all i remember was the shame that we both felt, after that, we never brought the subject up and it has been a closed chapter in my life. Since that day, i've pretty much tried to be as conservatice as possible, I have girl friends who are so comfortable with their bodies and they are able to show them to each other, but me? oh no.. I simply cant, it's too shameful. This doesnt mean that I'm a virgin though, i'm not, I've been with three guys but I've always been pretty conservative and havent been able to fully express myself in that way, part of me thinks I just did it because it facinates me and that's what people are suppose to do when they're in love? It has become a huge taboo for me. I mean, even my movie choices, which are usually independent films, are more appealing to me when they have high sexual content, it's like something that is so foreign to me, and of course, curiousity always takes the better of us.
I could say that around maybe 3yrs old, before the divorced we lived in apartments and I can remember that all the children that lived there would get together and play and I cant really remember but I do recall that we would engage on some of the "real life" play but I found it very confusing and wondered why the adults thought we were doing something bad.
the third things is that my father would often pat my on my leg, but it was never anything sexual or anything like that, but somehow, i always found it so uncomfortable.
The truth is, I dont recal any kind of sexual harrasment or sexual abuse in my home of any sort. There was probably mental and physical but not sexual, could my problem come from the shame of childs play? or could it be something more?
Intimate relationships with the people I have been intimite with have been what we would call "normal". I can't really engage in anything that isnt considered normal. My partners have often wanted to try new things but.. I simply cannot, I feel so dirty, so much shame.
I know that I should discuss this with my T, but really, I'm ashamed to, I havent told anyone these things, not even my friends, it's something that i've blocked out completely and haven't really wanted to remember.
but I guess since i'm attempting to let all my demonds out, this one has to as well
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