Here is my story in a nutshell. Met husband at 19. He was 21. Lived together for 4 years before marriege. Sex was OK but there was a lot of partying going on so not a real good indication of what a normal sex life with him would be like. Married after 4 years. Within the first year the lack of sex became a problem and has continued to be a problem. He has little to no libido. We have talked about it so many times I am talked out. He knows it is an issue for me. We have been to counseling several times. Things get better for a short period of time and slowly revert back to the way they were. We haven't slept in the same bed for 20 years because he snores. He has put on 100 pounds since we got married. He did go to the doctor to have his hormones checked and he did have low testosterone but it was such a pain to get into the doctor's office that he didn't go back. Plus he's not that motivated. It's not a problem for him so. I have told him I feel as though he doesn't really care for me because I would think if you did you would try to accomodate that with which your partner was unhappy about. I have tried to explain to him how the lack of intimacy impacts every area of our life but he refuses to see it. I have been at the point for the last 2 1/2 years that I don't want to have sex with him. Not that he's really tried...although he did start going to counseling over a year ago and the counselor must have suggested he should but I just can't. I can not allow myself to become emotionally invested in that way. So currently we are living more as roommates raising our 14 year old daughter.
BUT...here is the thing. A couple of months ago I started looking outside my marriage. I figured I couldn't be the only one in this position. So I met this guy a couple of months ago and met him in person for the first time last week. Things progressed very rapidly and we are currently intimate. He is super super HOTT, and nice, gentle and sweet. Of course I realize I just met him and things may change but for now I am happy to be where I am. To have someone want me sexually feels amazing. I was faithful to my husband the whole time...we have been together for almost 30 years. I have no guilt about doing this. I feel like I gave him plenty of opportunity to change but he has chosen not to. And I don't want to divorce right now because of the expense, aggravation and our daughter.
So my question is has anyone else gone through this? I guess what I am hoping for is that it will allow me to be married without feeling so much bitterness. Is that possible? I have actually told my husband on several occasions that I was going to do this and he just ignores me...seems to be his favorite method of dealing with things. If he ignores it it will eventually go away. Do you think I will fall in love with this guy? I can already tell I am starting to have feelings for him and I am scared as hell.
hi tiger lily,
i can relate to what you are going through... yes there are side effects to such a situation...
1) if discovered by the society,it will be considered as socially not acceptable... which means in event the secrets fly out of the closet, you will be marked as the wrong doer.whatever the circumstance. key word here is infidelity.
2) yes you could fall in love... so could your sexual partner.
In my opinion, all the above is worth it, if you are unafraid of the consequences. i know how it feels to be in a relationship and expect a certain level of intimacy. cos this is the only way, the physical and emotional side of me feels wanted.
yes the above arrangement as you mentioned in your post makes sense. you suddenly feel like a human, you suddenly feel special and yes it would lead to the feeling of being in love. Now the tricky bit, you might end up falling so strongly in love that you would end up initiating a divorce and end up causing all the things to happen that you wouldnt want in the first place. or your sexual partner could end up strongly in love with you and initiate the same.
what can be done. keep telling yourself that is a no strings attached sexual relationship. if you want to invest emotions into it, the threshold should be defined by you. a sexual relationship is incomplete without emotional investment, yet you have to define the amount of investment, as sometimes you may end up loosing more than you expected to gain.
how do you do this? set bench marks. do you feel you want to call him at odd hours. do you feel jealous when he talks about his spouse.
you will have to some rule between the both to avoid caught by your respective spouses. do you get tempted to break those rules. if u feel such emotions. set them as parameters / speed bumps, to correct yourself or alert your sexual partner. take a breather and start over again. it requires a lot of patience and rational thinking from both ends.
it is nice and great in the beginning when you find intimacy outside of your marriage, but in time naturally we end up investing too much emotions, and one point a little too much, that side effects like jealous, loneliness come into play.
Just be careful not to make this a one way route. talk to your sexual partner, gauge is rational thought as well as yours.
I agree with you, like everyone has appetite for food, it is the same for sex and we cant expect everyone to understand this concept.
you have to find someone who is in exactly similar situation where they cannot compromise on their current life, yet want to explore their sexuality outside their marriage.
I can relate to you even when you say that even when if you want to help your husband you cannot activate your sexuality towards him, because somewhere down the line, you lost that chemistry and got used to it. it is only fair as everyone naturally change in time.
enjoy your moments at the moment, make the best of it, but keep reminding yourself that you want to protect your current family status, and take necessary precautions physically and emotionally. you will be fine
WOW thank you indoubt. You put a lot of thouht into your response and I appreciate that. I agree with everything you said. So far my "friend" and I are on the same page. He is very up front about what he wants or doesn't want. He has no intention of leaving his wife. I appreciate his candor. I would rather have it all layed out on the table than to be guessing what someone is thinking. I am OK with this because I really do not want a divorce at this point. We will see where it leads.
Hi shelly. I think our situations are a little different in that my husband has never had a sex drive. I have been with him for almost 30 years and I can remember 3 times that he initiated sex. So it is not like he was interested and recently lost interest which is what sounds like happened in your case. Has he had his hormones checked? Men's testosterone tends to decline as they age. And no we have never tried any of those products...one has to have a genuine interest in sex to even consider trying them and unfortuanately mine doesn't. Nothing has changed with my situation as far as how my husband is and I know it never will but I am continuing to see my friend and that is going fantastic.
Hi Shelly, please accept my sympathies...
I can sense the feeling of being unwanted and not desired for, it is a painful feeling, where we can feel lonely even in the crowd. I have been through the same, but i am a little different in this forum, i am a guy
I wouldnt agree that guys are insensitive, lack emotional or are selfish, there maybe a few but it is not the same all the time. yes men are hardwired differently for affection, physical intimacy or making love / sex.
yes your situation seems clearly different from tigerlilly but if you would like a different perspective from us folks, it would help if you could put up more details out here... we are no experts, but we be our and a different perspective, it could help but it will be your choice to accept our advice.
a few questions:
how was sex life before marriage and during the early years of marriage?
when did you notice a recognizable change in his libido?
if you can remember the time when you felt there has been a considerable drop in his libido, go back a year or two till the time you noticed the change in him, and highlight the high points and low points in that year?
About him, that you really like and donot? vice versa, the same you think he likes / does not like about you...
men are different there are so many factors that effect them, they can be a time bomb, with so much going on their head and primitive ego avoiding them from talking about it. there could be something in his younger days that effect his view point on physical intimacy, talk to his family and learn about how he was in his childhood, was he comfortable with women then, did he have gfs... if he didnt, why not, if he did, then when did he stop having gfs and what happened then that caused him to distant him from the opposite sex...
Shelly, there are so many things that one can feel is the reason, but it makes sense if you can question yourself deep into his past to figure out his mind... set yourself a time line and level of effort to find the lost answers and when you reach your threshold, it would make sense to look outward... because time flies and never returns, and it would be sad to look back and see how many years you have lost being yourself...
but taking the route of tigerlilly isnt easy and it needs a lot of patience and a partner with the patience to match... both ends require to give each other their space and above all respect each other when it comes down to their respective families which for each of you should come first... or in your quest for affection, you might end up destroying 2 families, wherein ideally both of you should be able to find a balance in each of your family life and with each other... instead of rocking both families out of control...
i am sure you can find the answers and i am sure you can find a way... ask the right question and think objectively when you are evaluating the answers... be careful when you are asking questions to his family and friends, they shouldnt sense a problem between you and your hubby (make it sound like you are asking out curious), if they do it may back fire and you might have a really angry man at home wondering why are you digging into his past...best of luck...
I can really relate to this.I am married 5 years and my husband is just not EVER interested in sex.We have cupboard full of viagra and he never takes any.
I have let myself go.I feel unattractive,undesired and have struggled with what is the right thing to do? I love him but can't remain unloved, it is killing me.So I too will have to get my act together and find a freind,to feel human again.