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Old 02-05-2010, 05:57 PM   #1
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Why does he masterbate Instead of having sex with me?

OK I am not one of those gals that doesn't believe in masturbation. But I am also not one of those gals that has a low libido. I would prefer to have sex every day if given the choice, but my partner and I only have sex a couple times a week.

Sometimes, when I leave for work and forget something and go back in, the front door will be locked. another example when he takes a shower in the morning you can see it still erect. I know what this means — when I check his dirty laundry pile, I am guaranteed to find boxers freshly "christened" by him. I get so angry and irritated that I've grown completely obsessed by this. Why in the world is he choosing to masturbate instead of waiting to have sex with me? The sex we do have is really, really good, don't get me wrong, but I hate the fact that I want sex more and he masturbates instead! I'm trying to be logical, But there are always excuses. he's totally exhausted, I have a headach . when i try to get intamate he turns over and goes to sleep. I know he loves and cares about me. I know he isnt cheating.

Oh, and I can't talk with him about it — he goes berserk if I so much as bring it up! Should I just be grateful for the fact that we do have great sex a couple times a week and let it go for the health of our relationship and my sanity? Cause it's driving me insain. It makes me cry and feel unattrative and it's hurting our relationship! Does anyone else have this problem?

 
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Old 02-06-2010, 01:20 PM   #2
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Re: Why does he masterbate Instead of having sex with me?

i'd be bothered that he "does it" into his shorts instead of a tissue or something...gross! lol

If he knows you don't want him to do it, he's going to a) make a bigger deal out of doing it in secret and 2) it's going to become more of a "treat" for him

I would say, don't complain about him masturbating, but let him know that you're also interested in having sex more. Treat it as two separate issues, because they really are two separate isues. Don't focus on getting him to stop...he won't. But try to fix the sex issue without blaming it on the masturbation.

Last edited by redsoxgirl2418; 02-06-2010 at 01:23 PM.

 
Old 02-07-2010, 09:23 AM   #3
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Re: Why does he masterbate Instead of having sex with me?

I had the same problem in my younger years of marriage. I had a low self esteem, which we came to find out 30 some years latter, that I have been Bipolar all my life. I am not saying everyone is like me, but only mention it lift the curtain a little and shed some light on the fact, that my wife as you are fine. I was the one carrying the problem. Then I went the opposite way for many years where I could not get enough do to my Bipolar. Now we are in a place where we wear the carpet out getting to the bedroom. That's my two cents. I could talk this one till the cows don't come home!

Case

 
Old 02-10-2010, 05:15 AM   #4
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Re: Why does he masterbate Instead of having sex with me?

Hey,

I think every man wants to enjoy some freedom and by relieving himself in the same way (as in sex with one partner) he is probably feeling restricted. So instead of cheating on you with someone else, he will masturbate to another person etc just to uphold that sense of manhood independence and drive from his youth days- this is just my opinion and personally how I feel as well. It just means that the sex with you is so great because he is, in his mind, having sex with a different person from before, so I wouldn't be worried.

He probably gets angry because this is hard to explain and maybe feels that again you may be trying to restrict his freedom.

I would suggest you find out what he's into and what he masturbates to, then try to role-play, etc to be that different person then you'll see he'll be begging you 4 more!!!

Hope this helps.

Last edited by deejay11; 02-10-2010 at 05:16 AM.

 
Old 02-10-2010, 03:44 PM   #5
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Re: Why does he masterbate Instead of having sex with me?

I don't think she should have to pretend to be "that different person" to get him sexually interested in her. That's implying that she isn't good enough the way she is and can only keep a man interested in her by pretending to be something she's not. I don't think every male feels his freedom impinged upon in this way. I think he probably has emotional issues and porn is easier to deal with - no emotions, no rejections, just simple release and he gets to call all the shots.

 
Old 02-10-2010, 03:55 PM   #6
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Re: Why does he masterbate Instead of having sex with me?

Quote:
Originally Posted by digmusic View Post
porn is easier to deal with - no emotions, no rejections, just simple release and he gets to call all the shots.
That is what I was thinking as well. Sometmes the guy just needs to get quick release with the need to please someone. Sex with the girlfriend involves the need to connect and be intimate (usually). And he does that with you. But sometimes he wants to not have to feel and please.. thats just my thought on it. I would allow him that, he shouldnt have to feel guilty about it. Unless of course it was tothe point of denying you sex altogether. that would be a problem.

 
Old 02-11-2010, 01:39 PM   #7
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Re: Why does he masterbate Instead of having sex with me?

yeah that is a pretty crappy feeling if i know he is thinking about someone else while having sex with me (( WOW . I really dont want to pretend" to be another person if thats the case ill just leave him.

 
Old 02-11-2010, 02:16 PM   #8
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Re: Why does he masterbate Instead of having sex with me?

I've left men for this very reason......

 
Old 02-21-2010, 10:05 AM   #9
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Re: Why does he masterbate Instead of having sex with me?

I'm so sorry goldenbronzer, and rosequarz, and all women who have been affected by this. Men do not get it, and women who've not been affected by their partners obsession with porn this do not get it, but this distroys a persons self esteem. Because of how negetively this affected my life, I made it my new years resolution to talk about Porn addiction more. I belong to a website called [DELETED]. Long term this will distroy relationships, and leave everyone feeling dissatisfied and lonely. It IS a big deal.

Last edited by Mod-S4; 02-22-2010 at 07:05 AM. Reason: Disallowed web site.

 
Old 02-21-2010, 10:19 AM   #10
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Re: Why does he masterbate Instead of having sex with me?

May I ask how long this relationship has been going on? I personally would not dance around this issue, because it will undermine your self esteem and eventually your relationship. If he is not man enough to discuss this, or anything with you, that affects your relationship so deeply, then I would move on. Sexual problems that are not resolved have a way about biting you both in the butt. So nip this in the bud, or move on. Not all men are serial masturbaters....and it is NOT you.

 
Old 02-21-2010, 11:01 AM   #11
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Re: Why does he masterbate Instead of having sex with me?

Quote:
Originally Posted by writeleft View Post
May I ask how long this relationship has been going on?
Yes, it would be helpful to know the nature of your relationship...Married? Live together? Also, how long have you been together? Your approximate ages? I have a lot I can offer, but wanted some basic info first, if that's ok.

Regards,

Ex

 
Old 02-24-2010, 02:57 PM   #12
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Re: Why does he masterbate Instead of having sex with me?

I am not sure about the problem, but he might masturbate since it is easier, less effort and just enjoy it. I see nothing wrong with it as long as he is faithful to you but of course try to talk to him when he is in a good mood. Love is patient, love is kind.......

 
Old 02-26-2010, 12:56 PM   #13
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Re: Why does he masterbate Instead of having sex with me?

What about the good old..."we need to talk. Sit down, and calmly explain all the things that you explained to us. Use the "I" rather than the "you" statements. Tell him how your feel and give him a chance to soak it in, then ask him to respond.

If he chooses not to respond, you then choose what the lack of a response means to you. This would be a deal breaker for me, I wish you the best.

 
Old 02-26-2010, 02:18 PM   #14
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Re: Why does he masterbate Instead of having sex with me?

Erections in the morning may or may not collapse. Erections are often involuntary. An erection before or after a shower isn't proof of masturbation or even sexual interest.

Soiled underwear may be the result of nocturnal emissions that are involuntary, not a proof of masturbation.

It is easy for a woman to open the legs and ask for more sex, but man cannot get an erection at will, and keep it up. Nature controls this, not the man. You might want tp try not embarrssing him with accusations. Telling a man he is deliberately failing you sexually never solves the problem.

Accusations, squabbling, and suspicions won't make the relationship or the sex better. A lot of women supplement their sex with masturbation too, and you have that option as well. No one should be guilted for masturbating or to supply a certain amount of sexual experience.

Nice matches in sexual drives are a rarity; most couples just tolerate or accept the limits of their partner. Unfortunately, sex is not an Equal Opportunity, Equal Performance, and Equal Sustaining Power field where everybody gets his Equal Satisfaction.

Last edited by Administrator; 03-07-2010 at 05:13 PM. Reason: edited off comments against members

 
Old 03-07-2010, 10:56 PM   #15
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Re: Why does he masterbate Instead of having sex with me?

I'd say try different things, for variety. different fantasies or whatever. he's probably doing it without you because it got monotonous (no offense!). just an idea

 
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