Can't move past the BIG mistake
I apologize if this is the wrong board, but it deals mainly with my performance anxiety affecting relationships. Please let me know if I am in the wrong place.
The one big, humiliating mistake and it is mentally wearing down every fiber of my being. To keep it as short as possible, I hadn't dated or slept with anyone for over 2 years before I met my ex. Same with her. She was great. Beautiful, outgoing, great job, confident, it took about 5 seconds for people she met to really like her. I'm 27 now been broken up for 11 months. When we first started to have sex there were times where I couldn't keep it up or wouldn't feel anything. Since it wasn't a problem in other areas I took that as I just need to relax and get my confidence up. I did that a few times, but every once in a while that would happen again.
Being already self-conscious, it really took a hit on me. I shyed away from intimacy. No matter how bad I wanted her, I would work around it because I was afraid it would happen again and ruin the mood. For many months we just messed around without the actual intercourse. Months past and I final brought it up. She was COMPLETELY supportive and gave her ideas what could be wrong, mainly i just needed to "get out of my own head" She offered to even go to the doctors with me. Well I was so embarrased and self conscious I didnt even want to tell a doctor. Just the thought of how embarrassing not being able to keep an erection was, but also knew it would hurt our relationship and my head was just spinning. I put it off even more until finally I saw it wearing on her. I went to the Dr. The days leading up I was a mess because I was afraid to bring it up. I had another small condition at the time and thought he was going to refer me to someone, which I was going to tell THAT doctor about it, not my PCP. Well he didnt, and I didnt bring it up to him. My ex was sooo hurt. She couldn't begin to think how I can see it hurting her and hurting our relationship and not push the issue with my doc.
I made another appt a month later and he gave me some pills to use. He said he was certain it was all mental, as was I. But by then, my girl was so frustrated she was almost gone. I never even got to use them with her. Because of my self esteem issues, I shy'ed away from sex, our chemistry suffered and she no longer felt the same.
Now I have to live with this embarrassing regret. We didnt fight. I wasn't cheated on. I was left because I couldnt have sex with a hot girl with a great body. She didnt date for like 6 months after we broke up. So it wasnt like she screwed me over or something. I messed this up. Now the next guy she sleeps with, or has, will always be better and more fun than I was. Thats humiliating. Everytime I see a ED drug commercial or my friends mention something about having sex with their gf's I want to cry, because I couldn't do that. I am miserable now. I wake up EVERY single morning thinking if I had just swallowed my self-esteem issues, as tough as it would be, we'd be celebrating 2 years togther now. I feel like I just handed her over to the next guy. Now he's traveling the world with her instead of me. He's apart of her great family. And I'm alone and absolutely miserable. All because of sex.
I never had that problem before. In college I dated a girl for almost 3 years and the sex was great. I was creative, fun, good in the bedroom. I have no idea what happend to me with my ex. No idea. Now this girl who once was absolutely crazy about me, will look back as the guy she dated for a year, and our relationship was awkward due to not having alot of sex. I could kill myself for being so embarrassed. She was SO SUPPORTIVE. Why couldn't I just relax and lean on her support? I've read on here and other sites how guys had my performance problems, got the pill and it saved their relationship. I dont know why I wasn't willing to do whatever it took to save mine. I wake up everyday with the same thought, If I had only gone to the doctor, she'd be here as I wake up. This is so, so difficult to get past