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Old 10-01-2010, 12:09 AM   #1
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sexually Confused wife or husband

Hi,

I'm in need of a bit of advice my husband and i got married a year ago and have 3 children. A few months ago I found a few things which suprised, my husband has a lot of anal sex toys and frequently visists transexual porn sites and gay porn etc there has never been any porn of him looking at actual females. I never new he had any of these toys he had them locked up and left it open one day, everytime he has a shower it was open and he took one in with him. He also has anal bleeching cream at home along with the instruments used to clean your anus. I got the courage and asked him about it, he said he enjoyed using the toys! He said it stemed from when he was younger and had a sexual encounter not by choice with an older male cousin in the family, he also said he has tried a few times when he was younger to have sex with a man but could never get an erection, so brushed it off and thought he must not be gay.
I explained that i felt uncomfortable about this but would just learn to deal with it. He was extremly embarrased and i felt awful for asking him but i had to know. These things still go on, however whenver he has used the pc now he always deletes this history, also sometimes at night he gets texts and then when i look at his phone later on or in the morning he has deleted the message so i dont know what it said etc. He still wants to have sex with me however he always wants to do it from behind and i feel he prefers that way so he could fantasies about it been with a man, but we never have anal sex im just not into it. Also im not sure if he thinks he can tell anyone he is gay as his father is a priest and would be extremly upset at him.
I dont know what to think about the situation and opinions would be appreciated, sorry if ive gone on and on.

Last edited by worrie; 10-01-2010 at 12:22 AM.

 
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Old 10-01-2010, 07:44 PM   #2
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Re: sexually Confussed wife or husband

It sounds like you have a very confused husband.

The first thing I would do is decide how you feel and what you want to do if he says he is gay (or bisexual). If he admits he is gay are you willing to support him emotionally if he decides to come out to the family? Would you be friends or would this totally ruin your relationship?

He may be in deep denial because it is easier for him to be straight and not deal with the problems that will arise if he comes out as gay. If he admits he is gay then he will need some support as it does not sound like his family will be there for him.

Once you have figured out how you feel, then have a talk. Explain about the pictures and text messages. Tell him you are okay with him being gay and you are willing to support him and whatever he decides to do or give him other opitions such as going to a marriage therapist or getting a divorce if he denies he is gay (or bisexual). If therapy is an option than make sure the therapist is experienced with dealing with sexuality issues.

There may also be more to the story of the male cousin that are causing some of these problems that may be helped with therapy and may also help your relationship.

What I am trying to say is consider all your options then talk to him. Either he needs help (and I don't mean in a bad way) or your marriage needs help.

I hope this helps you.

 
Old 10-04-2010, 01:22 PM   #3
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Re: sexually Confused wife or husband

He may not necessarily be gay or confused. He may enjoy anal play but was too embarrassed to tell you. Personally, I enjoy being on the receiving end of anal play. It initially freaked my wife out and she had some of the same thoughts as you but once I reassured her that I was in no way gay or confused, she embraced it. She knows I enjoy it and will incorporate some aspect of it into our sex life. It's not all the time but every so often she will. My recommendation would be to talk to him openly about it.

 
Old 10-05-2010, 12:34 PM   #4
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Re: sexually Confused wife or husband

Quote:
Originally Posted by JumperOK View Post
He may not necessarily be gay or confused. He may enjoy anal play but was too embarrassed to tell you. Personally, I enjoy being on the receiving end of anal play. It initially freaked my wife out and she had some of the same thoughts as you but once I reassured her that I was in no way gay or confused, she embraced it. She knows I enjoy it and will incorporate some aspect of it into our sex life. It's not all the time but every so often she will. My recommendation would be to talk to him openly about it.
I agree with JumperOk. It is not for you to jump to any conclusion about your husband's sexuality. Sexuality is always, but always a complex issue. I for one know that many men enjoy anal stimulation without necessarily being attracted to other men. I don't know what the case is for your husband, but please primarily try not to look at this as a problem or a deviation. Talking to him would be helpful, but you may need a third party (a counsellor or therapist) to hear both of you and address your concerns. I think it would be a good idea for you to suggest to him other positions for intercourse and then ask him if he would like you to incorporate any of his toys into your sexual plays. Please try to take this as lightly as possible (I know it may be hard for you) and don't judge him too severely. We all have our fantasies, after all.

 
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