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Old 06-05-2001, 06:49 PM   #1
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Kista HB User
So what is the best way to handle

What is the best way to handle the situation when the guy can't get hard? I mean, I want detailed information. What do you say? or is it best not to mention it out loud? Is it patronizing to quit trying to get it in and go on to something else...what about if he can't deal, and gets all distant. Try to reassure him it's okay? cuddle up to him? Go to the kitchen and make a sandwich?

What should we not do or say?

Personally, I don't consider it a reflection on the guy's masculinity or his sexual abilities, or anything. Won't get hard? Can't get it in? Let's do some thing else then. Personally one my most favorite things is when my bf is soft and I get it all in my mouth...all soft and bulky and chewy. hehehe

but that's just me.

 
Old 06-05-2001, 08:21 PM   #2
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Jude29 HB User
Re: So what is the best way to handle

On the occasions this has happened to me I just want to be left alone. I would hate it if I were having trouble getting an erection and my wife kept playing with it. It just seems to make the situation worse that no matter what she does it doesn't cooperate. Luckily we have figured out what is the cause of my little problem.

I think this is one of those situations where every guy is different and you just have to deal with it in the way he feels comfortable.

While on an intellectual level we know that this will occasionalally happen I don't think any guy takes it too well. So on an emotional level it's quite devestating. Guys are taught from an early age how important the penis is. Both for our pleasure and yours. If it's not working we feel like we are failing the both of us.

 
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Old 06-05-2001, 10:56 PM   #3
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dylon8000 HB User
Re: So what is the best way to handle

I would just ignore it, don't make a big deal about it. Do what you want; obviously you can't have sex without an erection.

 
Old 06-06-2001, 01:01 AM   #4
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Re: So what is the best way to handle

so, generally speaking, it's not likely that he could get into just getting her off? It sounds like it cuts in deep. What mood is that?

 
Old 06-06-2001, 04:26 AM   #5
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Re: So what is the best way to handle

On the occasions it has happened to me I have usually already been taking care of her needs <IMG SRC="http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif">. Usually though if I am not erect after extended foreplay it's a lost cause.

More important than dealing with it though is figuring out why it happened. Being tired, stressed, or depressed are all big contributors. If you can figure out the cause you can work your way though it or around it. In my case the problem was purly psychological concerning the loss of our son. I was afraid of her getting pregnant again. I eventually just got over it.

 
Old 06-06-2001, 10:57 AM   #6
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Re: So what is the best way to handle

Luckily we have figured out what is the cause of my little problem.
Jude29, if you don't mind my asking what was the cause??
is it normal for guys to not get as hard as they used to as they get older? If so what age ??

 
Old 06-06-2001, 03:10 PM   #7
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Re: So what is the best way to handle

My wife and I lost a child just over a year ago. The only times I really had a problem attaining erection was when I knew she was ovulating. We do want to have children but the miscarriage bothered me more than I would let on. The whole idea of her getting pregnant and having to endure that pain a third time was more than I was willing to do. As long as I knew she wasn't ovulating or we were partaking in a sex act that couldn't lead to pregnancy I had no problems with my erections.

I haven't had a problem in several months. She stopped announcing when she was ovulating and we worked on having sex for pleasure not for procreation. We both want children very much but for now we have just decided to go with it.

 
Old 06-07-2001, 05:09 AM   #8
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Re: So what is the best way to handle

Jude,
glad to hear things are better for you now.I totally can relate,we went thru sometihng similiar when i had my miscarriage also.good Luck w/ makin'babies while u r having fun!!

 
Old 06-07-2001, 12:25 PM   #9
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Roger100 HB User
Re: So what is the best way to handle

Kista I think if you playing with him like you do is possibly a very good thing to do.
Just don't do it with the attitude we got to get it up again. That is a lost case.

I think it is important for the guy to know that he is still liked and repected despite his problem. So if you say something like
" Why don't we try again when you feel better"
and if you dare maybe add:
"in the meanwhile if you feel like it why don't you touch me right there <IMG SRC="http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif"> - just too bad you are not going to have any fun tonight".
This kind of attitude shows the guy that you can still have fun with him. Then he feels like he is not letting you down but only himself.
If he does not feel like it immediately, so be it, but maybe he will accept your invitation a little while later . Then you can teach him a lesson on how you like to be touched and licked.

 
Old 06-07-2001, 05:50 PM   #10
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Re: So what is the best way to handle

You know, when I give my bf a bj, I get so so turned on. I literally have to stop to get tissues because I get so wet.

Roger you said "just too bad you are not going to have any fun tonight"

Interesting, and a train of thought that I've noticed throughout the posts here. I know that guys are more goal oriented when it comes to sex (orgasms) and I know that, generally speaking, it is not a requirement for women to have an orgasm each time.
How much does it really detract from the sexual experience for you men, if you know you won't finish with an orgasm? Does it seem pointless?
Also, although I know that you guys do a lot of the foreplay, etc. for our sake, (which I think is sweet) is but isn't it fun to you? At the end of the night, knowing you wouldn't be able to reach your peak and deciding instead to focus on your girl...after you've foreplayed, teased and made your her have a mind-blowing O, would you still feel that it was incomplete?
Dont' be defensive, it's not a bad thing. I really would like to know.

Taking that train of thought one step further, It would make sense. Maybe that's why guys never really believe us when we say we won't get an orgasm this time, but it's okay and still very much of a turn on and just as much fun. Alternatively maybe it's why women don't see why it's such a big deal when a guy can't get hard. It honestly wouldn't bother me. Maybe that's why guys get such a sour attitude when they cant get it up, because the girl appears to make light of it...even to the point of making jokes about it.

Wow, look at that. I'm figuring this right out. &lt;grin&gt;

disclaimer: I know these feelings don't apply across the board. I am generalizing based on what I have read, heard and experienced first hand. So don't yell at me! &lt;duck&gt;

 
Old 06-07-2001, 07:09 PM   #11
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Jude29 HB User
Re: So what is the best way to handle

Kista aren't there times when you just want to pleasure your boyfriend by giving him a mind blowing blow job? I know my wife does that sometimes. Sometimes I just enjoy going down on her because I can. I don't expect or want anything in return, other than the experience of giving her an orgasm. She seems to sometimes have a hard time accepting this. IMHO sex is not about making myself feel good it's about making her feel good. Yes there are times when it seems we are both using each other for pleasure and those times can be a lot of fun. I still prefer to take care of her needs.

Something I mentioned above and a question I have is why does it seem that women have such a hard time just laying back and receiving pleasure, without trying to reciprocate immediatly? Sometimes I just want to go down on her like she goes down on me without any need or desire for her to do the same to me. Am I the only guy who feels this way, or is the whole male species made of selfish pigs <IMG SRC="http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/biggrin.gif">

I have learned that when my wife says she isn't going to orgasm she isn't going to orgasm. Practically nothing I do is going to get her there.

 
Old 06-07-2001, 08:12 PM   #12
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Re: So what is the best way to handle

I will start off by saying I have never had the situation 'arise' (sorry for the pun) that the guy I was with couldn't get it up. I guess since I've never had the experience, it might freak me out a little but it would definately be handled with kid gloves. I am very sensitive to hubby's masculinity and would never, ever do anything that would be detremental to it. I guess it would sorta be up there with someone who was a premie-it is something that can be helped and worked through so there is no need to run the other way or make the problem worse by dwelling on it. I have had experience in that area. The only way you can handle it is to blow it off because the bigger deal that is made of it the worse it is.

As for the question you posed, Jude...my hubby always accuses me of being stingy with the BJs. I guess I am a little selfish because if I give one, like Kista, I get turned on and very wet. I know it would be easy to give a BJ and then roll over and break out the 'Rabbit', but to me it isn't the same. I give them, but only when I'm feeling very unselfish. <IMG SRC="http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif"> As for him going down on me and leaving it at that. I have had only one orgasm - by current hubby - through oral. It takes a long time, I start feeling guilty for him having to work so hard, and the orgasm for me is - although good - not the same as through intercourse. ALSO, I find it hard to imagine him going down on me and then NOT needing to 'go in' afterwards and relieve himself as he is very hard and turned on from the act himself.

Ok, so now I know I am sounding very selfish, but I am not the kind of woman who believes she needs to have an orgasm everytime we have sex. I do however have them fairly easily and feel like that the effort should at least be made for both of us to be able to get off if we are wanting to...which for me is most of the time, same as him. I would say that you are a rare breed, Jude, if you can enter into the act of oral sex on your wife, but don't expect anything in return. Not even to be able to have intercourse afterwards and get off. I guess it is possible though because like I said, there are times when I give hubby a BJ just because I'm feeling extra giving that day. Also, I guess a lot of this would depend on the amount of sex you have weekly. For those of us women who feel like we don't get enough (1-2 times weekly) then there is a tendency to be a little more selfish. I make hubby promise me that we'll make love the next day so I can 'have fun' too. <IMG SRC="http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif"> I do get pleasure from pleasing him though. Just a little more than I can handle sometimes. LOL!

Sherri.

 
Old 06-08-2001, 02:42 PM   #13
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Roger100 HB User
Re: So what is the best way to handle

Kista.
I was suggesting the women would say the folllowing in a teasing way:
"in the meanwhile if you feel like it why don't you touch me right there <IMG SRC="http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif"> - just too bad you are not going to have any fun tonight".
Of course the guy will have fun. What I ment is for the women to let the guy know that SHE will still have fun. If she said, don't worry 'I will still have fun', he might not believe her.

I was never concerned about my own orgasms and really love having sex without ejaculating . Then I know I will be even more horny in a few hours and when I do orgasm it will be even better. For this reason I was also not worried about her having an orgasm because I thought it was the same for women as for me. The only thing I am worried about is a woman faking it. I would really be o.k. if she only orgasms every other time or even less.


<p>[This message has been edited by Roger100 (edited 06-08-2001).]

 
Old 06-09-2001, 08:01 AM   #14
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Re: So what is the best way to handle

Jude- That is very insightful. Thinking about it now, you're right. I'm much more of a giver than a receiver. I love love love to give him mind-blowing orgasms.

But when he is doing oral on me, I do the same thing as Eweejoe. I start worrying about his neck hurting, if his tongue's getting tired, then I start thinking it's taking too long and once that train of thought starts, it's hard to concentrate. Also sometimes I wonder if actually he doesn't like doing it, but is only doing it because it's his duty as the bf.

Personally, I am extremely oral. So much so that he was starting to feel neglected, saying that all I wanted him to come over for was for bj's. I have other parts, you know~!

I told him that I don't separate one from the other. I love to do it because I like to see how much he enjoys it, especially when I give him the hundred dollar bj! (hehe private joke) I love the sounds he makes.

One of my favorite things is when we're watching tv or going to sleep and I snuggle up in between his legs, and lay my head on him and suckle. This obviously can only be done successfully -after- he's had an orgasm. <IMG SRC="http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/wink.gif"><p>[This message has been edited by Kista (edited 06-09-2001).]

 
Old 06-09-2001, 08:59 PM   #15
 
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flynntodd HB User
Re: So what is the best way to handle

The lighter the touch, the better. Don't treat it as a serious issue, and don't let on that you're frustrated, even if you are. Exactly what you say, and how, will naturally depend on your personality and the guy's, and the particular relationship you have. A good reaction might be to use a touch of humor and say something like "Well, if Big Boy isn't in the mood [doesn't wanna play], let's find somebody ELSE to play with! Besides,I have to go to the bathroom!"

 
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