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Old 02-09-2011, 06:12 AM   #1
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Premature ejaculation affecting marriage

Hello,
My husband has an ongoing issue with premature ejaculation. Prior to being married, we were together only with a condom, which made intercourse last between 2 - 5 minutes. That was fine with me. I had read that this was average for most males. I also assumed that over time, things could even improve, and he kept telling me it was because I was so "tight" and sexy, etc. He may have meant this as a compliment, but it eventually felt like blaming me and avoiding responsibility for our shared sexual relationship.

After six years of sex getting shorter and shorter, now, even with a condom, sex lasts about 15-30 seconds. At first, it was very demeaning to me. I had been looking forward to a married sexual relationship, thinking it could be so uninhibited and finally condom-free. Instead, I felt like a receptacle. He was in denial about there being an issue at all, and everything I read said to tread lightly with my suggestions that things were not okay for me. I was as careful and kind as I could be. Each time I would mention it, he would read an article or two about PE, then ignore the problem.

After years of having my prompting generally ignored, I said I would have to end our marriage unless he addresses the issue. Since then, he has been to two urologists and two general practitioners to rule out a physical problem. We have also tried the following:
* all of the Masters and Johnson suggestions (start/stop method, squeeze method, etc)
* acupuncture (6 times) + homeopathic herbs
* hypnosis
* relationship and sex therapy (5 sessions to rule out underlying psychological issues, received training in tantric breathing, etc)
*SSRI therapy (Paxil 20mg daily)

None of the above helped, so we went back to trying condoms to dull sensitivity. Even a condom + two months of 20mg SSRI daily did nothing to improve the 15-30 second timeframe. I have played the role of the supportive cheerleader for over six years am now at a loss. Is there anything that can be done?

P.S. Those who say we can sustain our relationship by "being sexual in other ways" have perhaps not been unable to have intercourse for over six years, so thank you in advance but I am in need of help specifically with intercourse.

Thanks for all well-intentioned advice.

 
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Old 02-09-2011, 11:12 AM   #2
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Re: Premature ejaculation affecting marriage

I think there's some kind of desensitizing lotion/cream on the market that might help. Also, maybe an extra condom might do the trick, don't know. Best of Luck!
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Old 02-10-2011, 06:36 PM   #3
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Re: Premature ejaculation affecting marriage

Wonder,
You did a magnificent job describing your predicament.
Have never really had PE except maybe wayyyyyy back in the exciting first few times.
And what I often did then (because when you are young you CAN) is to just keep on going after the first climax. But, that might not always be possible when you get older, although it seems like you two are probably still pretty young.

At any rate or age, if your husband is able to orgasm in a mere 30 seconds he is surely also easily stimulatable, yes?

My idea would be to have his uro give him some cialis or viagra or levitra free samples and see if they can keep him at a usable state, even after that first quick orgasm (or with stimulation making a very short refractory period) and just keep on going. No one ever said intercourse had to be a one bang and your are done situation. With a little chemical help he may be able to keep going for hours while you have as many as you need and he can have an extra one or two or ten also.

If you've never used any of the Big-3 before it is kinda fun experimenting. With age there can be an unperceived drop off in performance that can be brought back to a 17yr old level. Viagra is also known for making really rock hard conditions -- it might even hamper PE due to that, but if not may just turn your hubster into an energizer bunny -- going and going.

So maybe give that a try. What do you think? Be sure to report back any good results.

Last edited by rbbb; 02-10-2011 at 06:39 PM.

 
Old 02-10-2011, 07:27 PM   #4
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Re: Premature ejaculation affecting marriage

Thank you for your responses. mju58, I should have mentioned that I am loath to try any desensitizing creams because they are known to adversely affect the female partner. rbbb, my husband has asked his physicians for Viagra, even going so far as to write a letter to one pleading his case, but they repeatedly declined to write a script, saying that since the problem was not arousal it was not appropriate. I can definitely appreciate the idea that sex should not be over when he has an orgasm, becoming a multi-orgasmic male would be a good goal but we are a little too old for that to happen on its own. Do you have any advice for where we can get Viagra or Cialis that doesn't involve shady internet ordering? Or maybe it is just a matter of finding a more liberally prescriptive doctor?

Thanks again to you both for taking the time to respond.

 
Old 02-11-2011, 03:57 PM   #5
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Re: Premature ejaculation affecting marriage

Wonder,

I am glad you replied. And that is great that you already had that idea. Too bad the docs were not open to a unique solution. I wish I could advise you more specifically on a good internet option for Viagra .. but they are very anal strict here about giving even a hint of a website. I will look around and see if you have posted on some less strict websites. We are not even allowed to tell you to search for 'so and so' for anything. But i suppose I can say that yes there are some reputable sites out there and not all require a prescription. Good luck and don't give up!

 
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Old 02-26-2011, 10:27 PM   #6
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Re: Premature ejaculation affecting marriage

mir409

Very sorry to know about your situation, I happen to join this forum today.
In most cases PE is very much cure able.
Hope both of you will be able to keep patience for some more and shell be able to save your marriage.
God bless you with success.

Last edited by Mod-S4; 02-27-2011 at 06:11 AM. Reason: Please read and follow the Posting Policy of this board.

 
Old 03-08-2011, 01:23 PM   #7
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Re: Premature ejaculation affecting marriage

I think most men suffer from what could be classified as "PE". There are a few things you can try. One would be, if you know you and your husband are going to be intimate that night, consider manually stimulating him to orgasm earlier that day (or have him masturbate to orgasm). I've used this technique several times with good success. If the timing is right, my wife will peter out long before I orgasm during intercourse. If the timing is off, too soon for instance, he may experience PE regardless. Conversely, if it's done to late in the date, obtaining a second erection may difficult.

Another tactic would be to manually/orally stimulate him just to the point you and him can sense he's nearing orgasm. At that very point, stop whatever it is you're doing and let the feelings subside. It's imperative there be no stimulation at all until he's ready. Do this several times. This helps train his body and his mind to delay ejaculation. Something my wife and I do when having sex is when I find myself nearing that point, I pull out completely and just sit there for a little bit. And I may go down on her orally to keep her pleasure ride going. We'll do this a few times.

I've used the desensitizing creams and gel and they do work but as was mentioned it can desensitize the woman as well. I think the key with those is to make sure you're not using them as a lube (which I suspect is the main culprit most of the time) but as an applicant. Apply just enough to do the work without leaving any excess on the penis. In other words, rub it all the way in

 
Old 03-09-2011, 06:21 AM   #8
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Re: Premature ejaculation affecting marriage

My husband has a bit of this problem too. We just make sure that I orgasm through him giving me oral before he even thinks about intercourse.

 
Old 04-11-2011, 02:34 PM   #9
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Re: Premature ejaculation affecting marriage

You may also try shopping for thicker condoms. Such as the ones recomended for Anal.

 
Old 04-11-2011, 06:39 PM   #10
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Re: Premature ejaculation affecting marriage

What finally worked was finding a doctor who understood that it indeed was an arousal problem if you consider that after the initial, very fast orgasm, he could not get aroused again. Now we are using Viagra as a "crutch". He stimulates himself to that first fast orgasm while waiting for it to take effect and then we are able to be together. He even was able to forgo the Viagra the last two times and while it wasn't what we would consider great without it, he was able to last longer than before. The Viagra effect seems to be giving him the opportunity to train his mind and body and we hope he can eventually do without it altogether. Finding a physician who would listen and resolve to find a solution with him made all the difference. It is literally saving our marriage. Thanks to all for the suggestions and support.

 
Old 04-12-2011, 08:44 AM   #11
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Re: Premature ejaculation affecting marriage

It sounds like you have found a solution. I was going to suggest a position where you straddle him. At least for me that position stimulates my wife more than me and I can last a lot longer.

 
Old 06-12-2011, 10:37 PM   #12
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Re: Premature ejaculation affecting marriage

I am in the exact same boat!!! We have tired Viagra, etc.... Plus countless other drugs for anything and everything and No Luck. Now my husband has given up on fixing the problem and I am now left to "deal with it." We have a sad sexless marriage which now seems to be destroying everything after 14 years of marriage. Six years of premature ejaculation (maybe last 30-35 seconds), I spend the first three being careful of what I said and how I said it and hopeful things would change but never have. I hate to say it but I have given up and try to fill my time with kids and work. It's hard to accept that I just turned forty and this has been the state of things for the past six years. It's not easy and depressing.

 
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