I've been married for 16 years, most of the time my husband and I have really had very little relationship but were so busy with other things it was okay. I have 2 kids from a previous marriage who are now grown and out on their own. So the house is empty and too quiet. My husband and I have not had sex since January. This is not unusual. He has had very little interest in sex for many years now and we have gone for six to eight months without sex before, which is okay with me because when we do have sex it has become down right boring. Foreplay is pretty mechanical, there's no kissing, the only touching is only what's necessary. Not what I would call making love. There's no passion, no feeling, certainly no romance. Yeah, I have tried talking to him over the years about this. His responses have been to get angry or to ignore me. Why am I still here? Because I have recently become unemployed and I am having difficulty finding a real job. I don't have any friends/family to talk to. My neighbors all think he's such a wonderful guy. He has all the time in the world to talk to them, but we barely speak. Most days our only conversation consists of "do you need anything from the store" - seriously. So I sit on the couch and watch old movies day after day. What else is there to do? Please do not suggest I go volunteer some place, been there/done that.
Maybe you could take a class, or both find a new hobby by yourselves, then you'd have something new to talk about with each other. Or both get out of the house and start a new routine of going on walks together. Or maybe go on a vacation together and get a change of scenery which might spark some new feelings. I dunno. I guess I'd say try to make yourself happy instead of expecting him to give you passion, or join a gym or start a new exercise routine and that might make you feel more energized and alive and less bored in general. I think if your nest is recently empty, what you're feeling is probably normal.
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I'm wondering what you have done besides talking to him about the problems with your sex life. You know, if you find it boring, he probably does too. But when you try to talk to a man about any kind of problem in the bedroom, they automatically get defensive and angry.
So stop talking and start doing. There's all those old corny plots such as meeting him at the door in nothing but a bow but I think that goes a little too far and most of us women simply would not feel comfortable doing that. But there's a lot of others things you can do. When you kiss him good-bye in the morning, make it a french kiss rather than a peck on the cheek. Let him think about that all day. Or, instead of watching TV at night, give yourself a long, hot and luxurious bubble bath then put on your sexiest nightie, turn on some music and invite him to dance. A slow dance with a scantily clad woman smelling fresh and clean will turn on most any man. Or, instead of serving a normal supper, try having a picnic on the living room floor. Last, but not least, write a fantasy down on a piece of paper, fold it up tightly and put it in a glass jar. Tell him that once he writes down one of his and enters it, he can read yours. Most men will be curious enough about what you're thinking that they will gladly do so.
When you act loving, you tend to feel loving. And when you feel loving, it comes out in everything you do, including bedroom activities. You probably will have to be the one to get this train moving AND the one to keep it moving for awhile. For one thing, you have the time to make the plans; two, women simply tend to be more creative. Yes, it takes two to tango but only one to ask the other to dance.
TMWINDY, I appreciate your offer of advice, but when I leave in the morning for work my husband is sleeping. I have a temp. seasonal job and work 7a-4p and he works 3p-11:30 p. by the time he gets home most nights I'm already sound asleep and have been for a while.
I think my husband is very happy with our sex life just as it is. This is not a new situation but one that we have returned to many times. He would not spend all day "thinking" about a french kiss and it would not turn him on. The last few times we had sex we didn't french kiss. I don't think he likes it. I have asked him to dance with me at home and he just laughs and walks away. He just has no interest in making a connection on any level whatsoever. When we are going to be in the car for any extended period he always asks if I have stuff to do so that I don't spend the entire time talking to him. He prefers quiet.
So, yes, I'm bored. I'm home alone with nothing to do. My children are not recently out of the house but have been out on their own for a while now and thankfully are both doing well.
Just to see where you are, I have to ask that if you were to have a steady job that paid well, you'd leave the marriage?
No disrespect or judgement here, but this doesn't sound much like a marriage to me. How long has it been like this? And how was your relationship in the beginning?
You said you were ok with the sex life you two have because when you have it, its boring anyway, but how do you feel about sex in general?
I ask because, I'm a very sexual person, but I wouldn't want it either if my partner didn't display any emotion while doing it. It would, however, have a negative impact on me.
Have you asked him why he still wants to be married?
All these feelings aren't gonna go away if you don't communicate them. And the issues you two are having aren't gonna go away just because you find something to occupy your time with. Is this the kind of marriage you want? Is this what you signed up for? It sounds like you two are roommates.
You deserve to be as happy as you want to be. Voice your concerns to him. You're in a marriage. No one partner is superior to the other. Your wants and needs should be considered and met just as much as his.
Last edited by SimplyBroken; 06-25-2011 at 09:55 AM.
Simply Broke, What I was trying to say was I'm okay with not having any sex since it has become empty, unemotional and downright boring. For maybe the first five years we had a pretty good sexual relationship. Nothing great, but good.
Yeah, I used to really enjoy sex, kissing, passion, touching, cuddling. I can remember kissing that drove me crazy and sex that made my toes tingle, but that was a long time ago and long before I met my husband.
One way he enjoys sex is for us to masturbate each other to climax and that's it. No kissing, no other touching, just go to sleep. No thank you. I just would rather not be bothered. I have told him that I do not enjoy sex where I feel like I am all alone. That it makes me feel dirty and that I am doing something wrong. I also told him that there is something really wrong with my husband being so far away from me during sex that he didn't even notice I was crying. His usual response is to just look at me. If I ask him don't you have anything to say, he says I'm thinking. That's it.
If I had a job that paid enough for me to support myself would I leave, yes. But right now I am broke and working only a temp job, so I'm soon to be unemployed again and I need the health insurance. No, it's not much of a marriage at all. We share the house, sleep in the same bed and on weekends we eat super together and really that's it.
Yeah, I have tried talking with him at different times about being roommates more than a married couple, and asking him what he wants from marriage and if he was happy or content and at different times he gives different answers or no real answers at all but will go off on some other thing and keep off the real subject or start an argument about something else.
I'm so sorry for the situation you're in, as it sounds so empty and lonely.
As one person to another, let me just say you deserve so much better in your life.
This is not a way to live. The reason we get married is to have a life long campanionship with the person we love and want to be with. A life of compassion, communication, respect, trust and love. You two seem to have fallen into something deeper and bigger than just a rut. I can't imaging the feelings you must be feeling.
You say you can't leave because of financial reasons. Ok, can you go to a friends house for a while or to one of your kids' house? Maybe the thought of losing you and seeing some action from you might kick him in the a$$ and wake him up. Or maybe it won't matter to him. Either way, you'd get the answer you need and you can move forward in your life. You dont have to settle. I don't know how old you are, but even that doesn't matter. It's never too late to be happy. It's never too late to enjoy the things you do. It's never too late to get up and walk away from a situation that makes you miserable.
You owe it to yourself to be happy. It's not a privilege to be happy, its a right.
Sorry, I think I'm getting too emotional myself!
I can suggest a class to take up or a new hobby to occupy your time, but the truth is, nothing's going to mask what emptiness you feel. Live your life to the fullest. Sometimes you just have to realize that its better to be alone, than in a miserable relationship.
My problem is a lack of connection and any type emotional intimacy or connection. There's no friendship in my marriage. My husband seems to be okay with things as they are right now. His way of dealing with anything is to run around the house and fix stuff that he's ignored for months rather than pay any attention to his wife. Maybe that works for him but it doesn't work for me. After 16 years of telling him this and he just doesn't hear me or believe me or whatever his problem is, I just don't WANT to try to seduce him or trick him or beg him or anything else. He knows where I am if he's ever interested in having any type of relationship with his wife.
I believe Viagra is for men who want to have sex but have difficulty with the process. Perhaps if you read what I actually wrote you would have seen that that is not my husband's problem.
He knows where I am if he's ever interested in having any type of relationship with his wife.
Why do you feel it's up to him to decide when your marriage "gets" to have any type of relationship? You need to give yourself more validation than that. People will do to you only what you allow them to.
Originally Posted by MsSandy
Maybe that works for him but it doesn't work for me.
What have you done to show him that it doesn't work for you other than talk to him?
Maybe you need to start taking some action so he can take you seriously because talking doesn't seem to be working.
"Be the change that you want to see in the world"-Gandhi
I love this quote..use this in your relationship. If you wait around for things to change, before you know it, 16 yrs are going to pass you by. Make the changes yourself. Make changes within yourself. Don't let this marriage define you. This isn't who you are. Do things that make you happy. Exercise regularly. Take a kickboxing class or a self defense class. Something that will make you feel empowered physically and mentally. Take a dance class. Hell, take a pole dancing class! Buy a sexy new dress or some sexy pumps. Get your hair done. Go out with girlfriends. Whatever makes you feel like a woman. But while doing whatever you like, don't go in with the mentality that you're doing it for him, but for yourself. You'll be surprised at how things like these can boost your confidence level. Maybe he'll notice, maybe he won't.
Thats a chance in itself.
I'm almost certain he'll notice. It's hard to ignore a woman who oozes self-confidence. And with that self-confidence comes self-esteem which then brings realization of what your worth and what you deserve. What you're willing to accept in your life.
You are woman! Make him hear your roar!
I would like to offer my support for your realization, I can see how easily things could end up this way after 16 years of raising children and keeping the household running. I can also see how easily it would be to find ourselves just where you have...The question then becomes what do you want to do with it?
Let's just take the "leaving" out of the picture, as it is not realistic at this point. I imaging you are financially comfortable if you stay as you are? If you can have enough time for yourself, as well as keeping a part time job for some pocket money, that may be a great position for you to "re-launch" yourself from.
What is your first choice, if you could have any scenario happen between yourself and your husband? If you can imagine that, then I bet you could make it happen! The first step being becoming the woman you want for yourself to be, at this phase of life...the empty nest years. Do you and your husband have any picture of what that was supposed to look like? Did you picture yourselves traveling, taking care of grandkids, relaxing somewhere? Have you asked your husband what he wants to do with his golden years? If there is any connection there, good place to start. I would look ahead for the next 3-5 years, and see what that looks like.
It could be very revealing when you both answer that question,.. No pressure, but food for thought. He may surprise you with his answer, if he gives you one. If he has none, then you know your answer....No matter what his outlook is on this, it is a good place for you to start your planning.
I am looking forward to hearing your reply before going any further... We are all behind you, however this goes.
ps. I did not mention anything about the sex part, as that would likely work itself out, when you get your feelings in order...it usually does.
"Be the change that you want to see in the world"-Gandhi
I love that quote too, MsSandy. But I have gotten the idea that you are quite simply over it. You feel that it is his turn to make the effort for you and you don't wish to make any more.
I know how that feels. Sometimes it's a real blow to one's ego to feel that they have to make up to the man ... but when people get sideways in their lives, it's usually necessary for their partner to carry way more than their fair share for awhile.
I read the things this post has to say and many like it and can't help but think back to my 20 year marriage. Ultimately that ended because he had a choice to give up me or the bottle and he chose to stay with the bottle. But before it got to that point, I often felt the way way these folks did. Now, I've been single for 14 years and feel that I've got a good perspective on it.
There are some situations that it is simply better to be away from ... like abuse of any kind, alcoholism, drug use, etc. but short of those things, I think anything can be worked on and fixed. It is the goal of just about every single person to find someone to share their lives with. But in dating, you find that it's very difficult to find someone you can imagine spending 30 minutes with, let alone 30 years. Rather than going out hoping to find someone to start all over with ... why not start all over again in the relationship you're already in?
Last edited by Mod-S4; 06-27-2011 at 06:32 AM.
Reason: Please talk to the original poster, not about her. Thanks.
What's your husbands medical background history? Is he taking any meds? When was the last time he had a full-up physical or seen a doctor for that matter? Judging by your comment that your kids are grown and the house is empty, I'm guessing your husband may be in his late 40's to early 50's. It could be your husband is experiencing low testosterone. The only way to figure that out is to convince him to get tested.
I'm really sorry for the situation you find yourself in. I can relate though. I have remarried and our sex life was great for a couple years and then stuff started happening. She gained some weight and lost some self confidence in her appearance, even though I continue to tell how much I love her and how she turns me on. No matter, she doesn't want to hear it. Like you, our sex life slowly started to happen less and less as the static of life picked up. And the less often one has sex, the less they want/need it and the opposite is just as true. I call it "inertia". My first marriage became irreparably damaged in this respect to the point it could not be saved. I will fight for this marriage but sometimes it's really work.
I could help but relate to so many of your points, especially where you said that if wants it he knows where I am. Since I was always ready to go, I put it on the table that if she ever wanted it, just say the word. Obviously since that marriage ended in divorce, I don't think that method works so well. No one wants to always be the one to initiate things. I got that once it was too late.
I'm sorry if I'm rambling a bit but there are so many points I can relate to, I'm sort of stuck on what to say. Hopefully the two of you can find some resolution but if not, hopefully you can find it alone. Best of Luck to you!