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Old 07-10-2011, 12:17 AM   #1
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Exclamation My wife doesn't like to kiss, touch my penis, give oral, or let me see her nude

I am lost... I feel like I made a mistake and don't know what to do. I met my wife 3 years ago. She had only been with one man before me. She was 22 and I was 28. She is very beautiful and just being around her turned me on. She didn't want to kiss in the beginning, more than pecks that is. She also didn't want sex before marriage. So I dated her, kissed her lightly, and just felt horny all the time. Then we got married 2 years ago. The first time we had sex was on our wedding night, but she had to be pushed to even do that. I ask her if she's horny and she says no, she's never horny. She doesn't want my tounge in her mouth, she freaks out if her hand accidentally touches my penis, and she always wants the light off when having sex, oh and the blankets up over us. So no intimate kissing anywhere, anytime, no oral sex on me, not much seeing her nude, never sex anywhere except in the bed, no shower or fun places. Basically, we just have regular sex and pecks on the lips here and there. That's it, no making out ever, not one time, no her touching my penis, not once ever, no her jumping on me and wanting sex from me or wanting me sexually or even wanting me to sexually please her. Maybe that's enough for some people... I don't know if I'm wrong. It's not that she's self concious though... She is slim and very sexy. She's so hot, that she was a model at one time. She is so hot that she keeps a photo of herself on her cell phone and in the photo slot in her wallet. Not me and her, but just a photo of her. I have told her of my unhappiness about these things many times and she says that she doesn't like it and I'm being selfish and always thinking of myself and not her feelings. Another thing that is starting to seem odd is, before we have sex which is about twice per week, she insists that I give her a massage first. I then procede with oral on her, and then have sex. It's not bad, pretty good, but something is missing. I don't feel connected to her. I want to kiss her without sex. I want her to touch me sexually. I feel like I need her to behave like she wants me. She is good about giving me sex at least twice a week because she knows it is a "duty" of some kind for a wife. That's how she explains it. She thinks it's important for us do have sex. But the problem is that I think it's important to be more intimate like kissing, touching, foreplay... I just feel like she is doing the absolute bare minimum and I feel like I shouldn't have to live my life this way. I have one life. Our sex life is scheduled. The other day she said "ok honey, we'll do it Monday and Thursday because she has off work those days". It's just a scheduled duty that she knows is important. She does enjoy it she said, she has orgasms because I make sure she does. Oh, I'm also very good looking and have women chasing me all the time, btw I love her and I believe totally, that she loves me. At least she does the only way she knows how. She is very clear that she loves me and want to be with me forever, but she just doesn't care about these things. Problem is that I do, very much. I am not happy most of the time. I am depressed inside and it's starting to show more and more. I am also fantasizing and dreaming about ex girlfriends and the intimacy I had in the past. I don't know what to do. I would feel terrible leaving her. She depends on me and loves me and is happy, but I'm not. She would be very hurt if I told her it had to end and it is sooo hard to do that. I wish we could fix it, but she says "this is who she is" and she does a alot for me. She feels like she does a lot by letting me see her naked a little in the low lit room and things like that. But it's not a lot to me. I wouldn't be posting this if It wasn't serious. I have seriously been unhappy in this relationship since we got married and I realized nothing was changing and getting better. I thought it would get better after we got married and started having sex, but it's not. It may seem like I'm lucky to have what I have. I am lucky in ways, but I just can't stop wanting intimacy other than just intercourse. I don't know if I'm weird that I need more that just intercourse, but I just can't get over it and I keep trying week after weekl. I am lost and need input.... Thank you for your advice, men and women....

Last edited by jlover; 07-10-2011 at 12:31 AM.

 
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Old 07-10-2011, 12:40 AM   #2
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Re: My wife doesn't like to kiss, touch my penis, give oral, or let me see her nude

Hello Jman, and welcome to the HealthBoards... I hope we can help.

This is a very delicate but important issue that needs to be addressed before it starts to manifest itself in other places in your marriage. If this is not resolved it will find it's way to undermine your relationship, whether she wants to admit it or not, it has to be addressed.

I suggest you make an appointment with a relationship counselor for some couples therapy. With the help of a therapist, you can find a way to share you feelings with her and make her aware of how important this is to you.

While some women require marriage before intimacy, to be left out in the cold after marriage is not fair to you. Sexual compatibility is a necessary part of marriage, and without it marriages fail all the time. If she needs someone trained to tell her that, so be it.

Have you ever really sat down with her for a heart to heart talk over this, or does she shoot you down before you can get the words out? During this talk, you can let her know that you would rather work this out together, but it is going to take both of you to make this work. She cannot simply say no, I don't do that!

Perhaps she has some trauma in her past that has kept her in this frame of mind, that she needs help in working through. She may wish she could enjoy sex with you very much but just does not know how to deal with her conflicting feelings. Counseling can help you both work through this.

Whatever the reasons are, she needs to understand how important this is, to both of you. I hope you can find a happy medium, and have a long and happy life together.

 
Old 07-10-2011, 01:08 AM   #3
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Re: My wife doesn't like to kiss, touch my penis, give oral, or let me see her nude

Hello Writeleft,
thank you for your reply! I have asked her about 40 times to go to couples therapy or read a book about the needs of men and relationships. She refuses all of it. She thinks that she "is who she is" and continues to proclaim her progress. Her progress is allowing some light in the room and letting me go down on her for example. In the begginning it was lights off, covers up and no oral. So yes it's progress, but I can't get to the point where I am actually "happy". Happy for me would be kissing without sex, and maybe kissing leading into sex and her able to touch me and actually want to. If I feel wanted sexually, I feel good and can accomplish anything.

I have had many heart to hearts with her. It creates some progress, as I stated, but doesn't resolve the issue because she just can't like "kissing" for example. She's only able to progress in areas that don't really involve her "doing" somthing, i.e. me giving her oral, and being able to see her. Those things result in our heart to hearts, but nothing that she had to actually do, i.e. touching me, french kissing. She refuses to change no matter how I feel. Sometimes we end up saying, "I guess this just isn't going to work", and then I just accept it the way it is because of the bad feelings of losing each other. I "settle" over and over after our heart to hearts. Usually when I try to have a heart to heart, she says "oh my, here we go again, I'm so tired of this". She is tired of hearing me tell her that I am unhappy about this. She says "you can't be happy with what you have", "you have a lot and are being selfish", and I think maybe I am and let it go after awhile of talking with no results.

She says she wishes she was horny, but she's just not. She's never been horny before she says. She swears up and down she was never traumatized in any way at all. I do believe her.

Sometimes I wonder is she has a hormone problem. I've had about 2 serious relationships before this marriage and several short term in my teens and early twenties. All of them were horny. All of them liked kissing. All of them gave me oral. All of them touched me. Some of them were more "sexual" than others, but never no sexual drive at all.

Oh and last comment... a few days ago we had this conversation and I focused on the lack of kissing (complete absense of intimate kissing). She said that I make her uncomfortable. She said that it may be my fault because I don't aproach it correctly or something. If that's the case, ok I am willing to do whatever she wants. But here's the part that makes me think this is an excuse... I have had very successful kissing with girls all my life. I've probably french kissed 100 girls between 13 and 28 and I a pretty sure I'm normal. Lastly, the very first time I tried to kiss her she stopped me and said she doesn't like kissing. Since that time, she's always said this. So when she said the other day that I'm the problem, it seems like she's shifting the blame off herself. It also make me feel pretty crappy if I actually believe it.

Last edited by jlover; 07-10-2011 at 06:46 PM.

 
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Old 07-10-2011, 08:08 AM   #4
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Re: My wife doesn't like to kiss, touch my penis, give oral, or let me see her nude

Hi, Jman.
As much as I'd love to be an advocate for "no sex until marriage", I cannot in good conscience recommend such a course to anyone.
As a mom of grown children, of course I want them to be safe from disease, but I also want them to be happy in their marriages, and I frankly do not think that abstinence until marriage is a recipe for marital bliss. If it works out occasionally, that's probably just dumb luck.

The thing is, until you've had sex with someone, you have no idea whether you're sexually compatible. And until you've lived with someone, you have no idea whether you're compatible at all. I would never agree to spend the rest of my life with someone until I'd lived with them- and been intimate with them- for at least a year or so.
In fact, my current husband and I lived together for over a decade before marrying... I just wasn't sure I wanted to make the commitment again; my first marriage was such an expensive pain in the butt to get out of.
But we finally did get married and we're very happy, and now I'm expecting a child (twenty years after my last one was born, I might add!).

Anyway, I think you went into this marriage with your eyes shut, unfortunately, and now you've found that you're married to someone you aren't compatible with.
Perhaps some marital counseling might be in order. Maybe the relationship can still be salvaged if you can manage to communicate your needs and desires effectively. A counselor may be able to help with that. If your wife is indifferent to your needs and desires, however, then I doubt there's much future in this relationship.

Best of luck.

Last edited by Kali333; 07-10-2011 at 08:09 AM.

 
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Old 07-10-2011, 09:39 AM   #5
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Re: My wife doesn't like to kiss, touch my penis, give oral, or let me see her nude

Hi from me too!
Let's try to see the positive side of things.
She has made some progress albeit small after your "heart to heart". That means she is not indifferent to you and in her own way she loves you. However, it is an oversimplification to say that she has no sexual drive and no hormones.
I think there is a deeper psychological issue here, which ALSO shows up in the fact that she has a picture of herself in her purse! I do not know of anyone who does that! Sorry!
But we must say that apart from digging in her past, with the help of a professional there isn't much hope for the marriage, unless you are prepared to be a martyr. Some people can do this. See if you are one of those.
On the other hand, if she has never received any kind of intimacy from her parents, like cuddling, kissing, praising, hugging etc. etc how is she expected to be able to give it?
There are families, especially in the old days in puritanical societies, who thought that cuddling children was interfering with their discipline. So, what I am getting at is that you have a lot of layers to unravel and you need a lot of patience.
You have to really have a "heart to heart" with yourself first. Are you really willing to live like this for the rest of your life , even if you find her hot? How long are going to be finding her hot, if she continues like this?
Once you decide for yourself that this is NOT what you want for the rest of your life, then tell her. Do not let her sidestep your arguments by telling you that you are being selfish. You are simply emotionally healthy. Tell her that unless she is willing to uderstand what is going on with her, you are really going to end it. If you mean it, it will shake her up. But you must mean it. If you dont, then do not play this card, because she will simply call your bluff.
Good luck and God bless!

 
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Old 07-10-2011, 09:51 AM   #6
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Re: My wife doesn't like to kiss, touch my penis, give oral, or let me see her nude

Quote:
She has made some progress albeit small after your "heart to heart". That means she is not indifferent to you and in her own way she loves you.
Her so-called "progress" is entirely selfish.
She now allows you to perform oral sex on her. Whoop-de-doo.
She still won't touch you, kiss you, reciprocate with oral, initiate sex, or even pretend to be interested in sex when she does permit it.
If I had a lover this selfish, I'd give him the boot.
Actually, I never would've allowed him into my bed or my life in the first place, regardless of how "hot" he was. There's nothing "hot" about a self-centered prude with a possible hormone problem, who claims never to have wanted sex in her entire life.

Last edited by Mod-S4; 07-10-2011 at 02:16 PM. Reason: Please respond to the original poster, not other comments. Thanks.

 
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Old 07-10-2011, 10:55 AM   #7
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Re: My wife doesn't like to kiss, touch my penis, give oral, or let me see her nude

I think you need to tell her in a very serious way that this problem is a deal breaker. You can understand her anting to wait till after marriage to have sex. That's fine. And you can understand that there is a learning curve. That's fine. But living like this for the rest of your life is not fine. Either she comes to counseling - couples or on her own, or you will have move on. This is not how a marriage should be - esp when she knows that this is not normal and that you are not happy.

My very best for your future....

 
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Old 07-10-2011, 12:00 PM   #8
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Re: My wife doesn't like to kiss, touch my penis, give oral, or let me see her nude

The "no smell" issue, I find a little interesting. It sounds like her hormones might be off. Maybe the testosterone level is extremely low. Women are supposed to have some sort of testosterone hormone level which helps to bring on being "horny". I wish there was a way she would get herself checked out, it could very well be something so simple that could solve all of your big problems here.
Is she at all interested in trying to better the situation? It seems that if she loved you she would care about what you are going through and how you feel.

But yeah, the no scent thing she has....there must be a reason for that.
I wonder, does she show signs of depression? There are so many things that can help and be done for women who's hormones are off. I've been there, done that. And through experience, I have found many things that have helped me through my ups and downs.
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Old 07-10-2011, 02:46 PM   #9
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Re: My wife doesn't like to kiss, touch my penis, give oral, or let me see her nude

I agree with the others in the fact that her "progress" is not enough! You do not deserve to be treated this way, especially allowing the blame to constantly be shifted to you. This woman needs a big wake up call. Do you know how many lovely women would love to have a man who is so generous in the love department, and would like nothing better that giving and receiving intimacy from an man?

If she has some hormonal issue that she has chosen not to explore, then she is the selfish one, and she is the one who will be at fault for losing her loving man.

Do not let this go on, it will damage your self esteem in ways that could affect you the rest of your life. Life is too short to spend with a wife that is simply laying there in the dark waiting for her orgasms under the covers. Sorry to sound harsh, but reality is speaking...

 
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Old 07-10-2011, 04:07 PM   #10
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Re: My wife doesn't like to kiss, touch my penis, give oral, or let me see her nude

Ok, I've got some good news I hope for you. I was just like her. I was scared. I couldn't 'let go'. I was so uptight you couldn't pull a needle out of my butt with a tractor trailor. hehehe I would ask her if she would be offended if you bought her a private box just for her. Buy her a few porn movies, men and woman and woman on woman, a vibrator, a playgirl magazine to examine the penis. Maybe a book about sex.

You could turn off the lights and tell her you just want her to lay there and not move and tell her you are going to explore her body in the dark. Ask her if she would like to do the same. Let her know you will how hard or soft she can touch you.

I was scared of a penis, seriously. I didn't like kissing until someone who was awesome showed me how. I had to learn to please myself before anyone else could please me.
I've mastered it and I am uninhibited but I was sooooooooooo scared. I didn't let loose until my early thirties.

You can also have her talk to her gyno. Some woman do not get aroused and need help.
If you are her first and you have patience then this can be so erotic and sensual. Be slow with her. Constantly tell her while she is naked that she is so beautiful and if you have oral how sweet she tastes. You have to compliment her to she feel totally comfortable. She doesn't know how to touch you. Let her know what you like and compliment her on that.

Woman need emotions to feel sexual and men need sex to feel emotions.

Good luck.

 
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Old 07-10-2011, 07:03 PM   #11
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Re: My wife doesn't like to kiss, touch my penis, give oral, or let me see her nude

Have to think about the replies and read them twice.... then I'll respond. You girls are very helpful! thank you!

Last edited by jlover; 07-10-2011 at 07:14 PM.

 
Old 07-10-2011, 07:45 PM   #12
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Re: My wife doesn't like to kiss, touch my penis, give oral, or let me see her nude

Well, I see that most of you agree that this is not normal and not ok. That's good to know because I was pretty sure that it's not normal considering the bad feelings I continue to have because of it. So I'm pretty certain my feelings are justified, thank you for that. No one said I was being too needy or selfish, that's good to know from outsiders. I didn't feel I was being too needy in my heart or "gut", but hey maybe I was wrong... I don't think I was wrong after reading your replies. Even after reading "Walkingtall's" comment, she agrees this behavior is not the norm a shouldn't continue forever.

So, this leaves me at this point with a couple options... 1. Tell her that I must have the intimacy that I need or 2. I cannot continue 3. or work on it more, give it more time. What I can't do is just let it go, which I've considered. Based on the feedback, you all agree that it cannot be left go. I agree and felt that way, but if you all said that it was normal for many women and I should just slowly try to progress, maybe I would let it go.

So for the short term, I will be honest with you all. I will go with number 3... Which is work on it more. Giver her the opportunity to be what I need. That seems to be the upstanding thing to do for the short term. I do love her and am willing to give her a chance (obviously). Plus we're married and it's a bit more complicated that dating.

So, now that you know what I plan to do for the short term. I am looking straight forward advice on -how to bring her to an acceptable level of intimacy?- I saw a few suggestion,i.e., the box of porn and toys. I'll do that, no problem. Give me a few weeks to gather the items. I also saw that I should just tell her and be serious without backing down. That could backfire and maybe she would quit, so I'll do that after I give this one last try.

Any more suggestions on how to get her to open up? We are actually planning on having sex tonight, but I know the routine. We're having sex on an off day because I'm leaving for business travel until Friday. So she knows it's "appropriate" to have sex with her husband before he leave and when he returns. This is a good thing about her that I would never complain about. But, it is a duty and that's the problem. I would love to do something more this evening, but I don't want to ruin the night and try something that causes nothing to happen.

Thank you all so much!
I have no idea if you are interested in me posting my progress. If you are let me know. I don't want to post my progress if it's kinda uninteresting for everyone. I'm not a poster, so I don't know what you normally do here.
ps. as I said, I'm traveling til Friday, so you may not hear from me this week. I will try to check in on WiFi though.

Last edited by jlover; 07-10-2011 at 07:49 PM.

 
Old 07-10-2011, 09:18 PM   #13
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Re: My wife doesn't like to kiss, touch my penis, give oral, or let me see her nude

We are interested in your progress, and do like to follow though with all our members. Most of us are here for the long term, and will certainly be here to help for as long as you feel the need to ask. We all hope the very best for you and your wife, and we understand that this is not a quick fix. I personally give you a lot of credit for your honesty and your desire to make things between you and your wife work. It sounds as if you did need some feedback just to see if your feelings were on track, and they are. Feel free to share anything you would like to, and as long as you feel the need for a bit of support and understanding.

Janet

 
Old 07-11-2011, 11:44 AM   #14
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Re: My wife doesn't like to kiss, touch my penis, give oral, or let me see her nude

Hi there,

I have had a similar experience. The girl I was with was beautiful as well. Our marriage ended 3 years ago and lasted like 6 months. She would never admit it, only hint at it, and I had to pay attention closely...She was sexually abused though. In a developmental stage of a young womens life this can scar their sexuality forever. Unfortunately, men that do this target pretty girls. I am not saying this is something that happened to your wife but it is a possibility. I wish you the best of luck my friend. Marriage is hard. I hope you can work through it

Last edited by Administrator; 07-11-2011 at 04:10 PM.

 
Old 07-13-2011, 12:49 PM   #15
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Re: My wife doesn't like to kiss, touch my penis, give oral, or let me see her nude

Hi Jman,
I'm Biofreak, and I wanted to give my input seeing as im youre wife's age. I'm not sure why she wouldn't want sex most woman at that age usually want some type of sexual contact. I know when i started to have sex it was hard for me because I had been raped before i got with my current boyfriend. I thought by me getting with him, maybe things would be okay, but i still struggle even now and we've been together for almost 3 months (trust me that's a record for me). I know there is somethings that my boyfriend will do that does make me nervous when we start becoming intimate with each other, but he brings me back in and makes me feel okay again. I didnt want to kiss him at first either, but was very shy. He does this thing, where its like he's slowly coming in for a snuggle to my face, where you rub noses together, but then i get kiss. He's says it's his way of keeping me on my toes. Why not try little things like that? It just seems to me that she feels uncomfortable about sex and maybe her upbringing has something to do with that?
I would say, because my boyfriend was sweet enough to do this for me, gradually guide her to the idea. Remind her that things will be okay and that you love her. I know my Maynard is an understanding guy, but you seem to be too. Just try little gestures, see if that helps any.

Sincerely,
BioFreak

 
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