friend/girlfriend - Sexual Health - General Message Board

jimi'sillegitamateson · 03-05-2003, 10:18 PM

I'm a junior in college and i have been friends with this girl since the beginning of my freshman year. After we were friends for a couple months i started dating this other girl and she started treating me differently and a few weeks later, she started dating this guy that was an alcoholic and semi-abusive. Anyway, I don't find girls that i want to date basically ever. We've been hanging out a lot lately and having 4 hour lunchs togther so i know we have a good emotional connection. So we have both been out of our relationships for a while and i told her how i felt about her and when i did, she said that she needed time to absorb it all. So i gave her time and we've started hanging out again and she hasn't said anything about it. That doesn't sound good to me, but she's the kind of girl that won't make the first move, and although it isn't technically the first move i can see how she would still consider it that. So my questions are 1. How should i handle my current situation? 2. How long if ever should i wait to confront her about this? 3. Women only-a. what are some ideas to change her mind if i am right? b. what are the kind of things that guys do that seperates them from guys you are interested in? I should also add that ever since i told her, she has made it a point to see me nearly every night she goes out and even leaves parties when no one else wants to to see me, but i don't know if that's cause she wants me to not feel like she is avoiding me. So, any help would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

wrin · 03-06-2003, 01:10 PM

1. You should be as patient and as contented with your situation as you can. Find out if you're right before you go rocking the boat horribly harshly, but a little boat-tipping is okay. (further clarified below.)

2. You should talk to her about it, but don't 'confront' her. Does that make sense? It sounds like her previous relationship was not a great one, and the last thing you need to do is put her in a situation where she feels threatened. Confrontation is not welcomed by most people at the best of times, but discussion is perfectly allowable, whenever you want. For leeway's sake, I'd give her a month or two after you've dropped the bomb, and during one of your four-hour lunches, try to strike up a discussion about what dating each other'd be like.

3a. You can't really change her mind. Her mind is set that she wants some time to get over what's happened before, and trust me, you want her to be over it before you jump in the water (and into bed) with her. What you SHOULD do is provide reassurance to her, however you feel it is appropriate. Be non-threatening, like I said before. Make offhanded comments, or unrelated comments, as in, comment about another bad relationship and how you'd make it better if you could. ("I'd never treat her that badly. To me, women are to be respected.") Most important is to be truthful and not threatening.

3b. Lots of things. Since I'm pretty sure you're asking to get a feel for why she's letting herself digest the issue, let me say that she isn't not dating you right this second because you turn her off or because she's feeling you out -- besides, the last thing you want to do (aside from physically scaring her off) is be somebody that you're not, so why change your tune because that's what another woman, not the one you're going after, wants? She will need time to get over how this other guy treated her, and to realize that she IS worth something proper, a guy who'll love her, someone like you.

The best thing you can do right now is love her and reassure her like a friend. The rest will blossom if it's meant to.