MiragesMom

Alright...here's my issue

I was on my b/f's computer a few months ago. I clicked the history bar to visit a site I was previously viewing. I noticed tons of porn sites. I am very conservative about certain things and sex is one of them. I find porn and other related things immoral (just my opinion). I also feel it is very close to cheating. I felt like dirt since I saw it.

I became very self-concious and won't let him touch certain parts of my body that I find imperfect. He can't even put his arm around me when we lay down. I was never like this before.

I started dieting and exercising. I actually am a bit obsessed with both. My typical day as far as exercise goes is as follows:
1. Feed, water, turnout, clean stalls, clean barn, etc. at a barn in the morning.
2. Go to my hour long riding lesson and clean their barn.
3. Go to classes and/or work
4. Do an hour of exercise videos
5. Go to the gym and do weights, cardio, etc. for anywhere from 1-2.5 hours.

I run as fast and long as I possibly can before I feel I'm going to literally pass out whether it be my asthma or my ankles are in so much pain (think I have shin splints). I just HAVE to do it!

I then get really stressed sometimes and throw my diet out the window as I visit McDonalds to feel better. If I'm with my b/f and I eat anything unhealthy be it fast food, a bag of chips, or a piece of meat I go to the bathroom and force myself to vomit.

I have lost trust in him and have become very jealous. I hate when he's not with me. I worry when he goes to work, to classes, when he's on the phone...all the time!

I even have sex with him when ever I possibly can to keep him from searching elseware. Even if I don't want it. Sometimes he just tells me no and so many words because he's not in the mood. Then I get mixed feelings about that (good he's satisfied or why...is there somebody else?).

He always asks me what's wrong and why I won't let him touch me. He's genuinely concerned, but doesn't push. When he asks my brain and body freeze and I CAN'T physically tell him.

I think I'm nervous he's going to leave me or think I'm acting stupid. Perhaps he'll think I'm being too controlling by making him choose between me and his habit? He treats me wonderfully and I know he cares a lot for me. I have just never told him how I feel about it.

Any advice is greatly appreciated! Am I overreacting?? And thank you for reading my book lol!

~MM~