Really need some imput - Sexual Health - General Message Board

SilentStar1 · 03-19-2003, 09:47 AM

I went looking for a support group that might be able to help me with something that is literally causing me great saddness and frustration. It is difficult to come to strangers and tell them such a personel part of me but I have no choice, I really need help. My significant other and I have been together for two years, I love him very much. For the most part we have a great relationship except for one very disturbing part. When we first met what attracted him to me was my very sexual nature, and my love of the "kinky" side of sex. My problem is that after about two months of us being together our sexual habits started changing, all my "toys" and kinky stuff was put away, sex was getting less and less frequent. No matter how much I try to discuss this with him I always got the answer it was because he was tired or stressed. Keep in mind that my partner was very sexual before me, even made movies with all his other girlfriends. With me however things have changed to the point that I am lucky if we have sex once every 3 weeks. I have asked him if it was me, if I have done something to cause this, he swears that is not the case. However his actions do not meet his words. Every night I cry myself to sleep from frustration to feeling like a nobody. As much as I know I shouldn't let this affect me in such a way, it is killing my self esteem. I realize I am a little over weight, but I excercise and play tennis almost everyday, I am just a big girl. I do not consider myself fat, more like a amazon warrior type, but I am no differnet than when he first met me. In fact I lost some weight..This is seriously affecting my happiness and I have tried in the most emphathetic way i know to talk to him about this. He only gets mad and we end in an argument. Please if anyone can give me some advice or has gone through the same problem I would love some input. I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror without tears in my eyes and like who I see. Deep down I know I am very smart, loving, and have a great soul...But I guess for now I am so lost...

DanaJ · 03-19-2003, 03:16 PM

First off, don't ever let someone make you feel bad about yourself. You are who you are

I'm so sorry to hear this has caused you to such stress and sadness. That shouldn't be the case.
If he isn't willing to tell you, or discuss the problem, then that should also tell you something. What you described seems strange. How long after you met, did the sexual aspect hit such a low? If it was after quite some time, maybe he's jsut tired of it all the time. Sex is usually at a high peak in the beginning etc. It starts to die down as time goes on(in some cases), or just not as frequent etc.
It's really hard to suggest something, when you mentioned that an arguement pursues after the issue is adressed or brought up. That right there could be a warning sign of something. Maybe he's insecure, maybe he's developed some problems with sexual function, maybe he's just lost interest, maybe he's becoming more distant for a variety of reasons. I can't say, nor jump to conclusions, being that I don't know you guys or your situation.

wrin · 03-20-2003, 05:09 PM

Sexual compatibility is a huge issue for relationships.

A lot of people write it off.

This is a bad idea.

Consider whether you love him enough to accept the fact that he can't meet your sexual needs, and moreover, doesn't care that he can't meet your sexual needs.

smithemj · 03-23-2003, 03:32 PM

Hello!! I just read your post and was wondering if his personality has changed in other aspects of your relationship? Or his other behavior maybe something at work or some kind of personal crisis like depression. Depression can make you not as interested in sex as you might have been. I know I suffer from depression and some days there is nothing you want to do but sleep or rest. Don't take it as a insult to you. Talk about how he is feeling in a calm rational matter and if he starts to get angry or frustrated just stop and calmly say I did not want to argue with you over this I care about you and just want to know if there is somthing bothering you. If he still is upset with you about it you may want to consider where this relationship may be going if there is more going on than you know about. Best of luck to you!!!