men's sexuality - Sexual Health - General Message Board

janeylane · 04-01-2003, 12:44 AM

Hi everybody.

I have an odd question:
If a guy looks at loooots of straight (and lesbian) porn, but occasionally looks at men having sex together, or looks at "shemales" (transgendered people - men who have taken hormones and have breasts...), do you think it's really weird?
I am a woman, and I sometimes look at or fantasize about pretty weird stuff myself, but I always thought that men either prefer men, or are grossed out by anything gay.
Is that true? Or is that just society's attitude?

Also, if this same man tried some gay sex when he was very young, I feel that should be okay. I know a lot of girls get curious, especially when they are young and single, so why not men?
It should in fact be a good sign, given the porn, because it means he's not curious about what he might be missing. He knows what it's like and has not chosen to keep doing it.

What do you all think? Men out there - have any of you looked at or tried this sort of thing even if you consider yourself straight (or bisexual with a preference for women, however you choose to define it)?
Women - if this man were the man you loved, would you think it was cause for worry, or would you think it's great that a man can be so comfortable with his sexuality in spite of society's taboos?

Let me just add that our sex life is fabulous and intimate, that he is totally honest with me, that he insists that this sort of thing to him is just like my various occasional fantasies - some of which might be considered weird by some.
So, there are no signs of anything being wrong, and it feels wrong of me to judge him just because he's a man. Why should women be allowed curiosirty but not men? We all know men are usually so much more sex-obsessed than women...

) Yet I feel like we're not normal somehow just because of these things.

Thanks

)

[This message has been edited by janeylane (edited 04-01-2003).]

DonnaD · 04-01-2003, 04:32 AM

It sounds like you don't really believe what you're saying; you're just trying to rationalize his behavior. If you really believed it, you wouldn't have even brought up the subject :-)

No straight guy I've ever known has experimented with other men and continues to look at gay porn. Sorry, no! You've got yourself a bisexual man. If you're okay with that, then there is no problem. Personally, I'd run as far away as I could. I believe people can have any sexual orientation they wish; this doesn't mean I have to date them, though!

You don't have to act cool and worldy and mature about stuff you don't like. While it's nice to say, "I should be accepting of people and not judge them," sometimes that is just bull! You don't have to accept things that don't sit right with you. If his bisexual nature bothers you, it is ok to admit it.

Good luck!

janeylane · 04-01-2003, 04:41 AM

Hi.

Thanks for replying.
Well, I see what you're saying, but accordind to your definition, many women (including myself) could be considered bisexual.

So, maybe you yourself don't have "weird" fantasies, maybe you don't look at kinky porn, maybe you never ever get turned on by other women.
In that case, a guy like I described would not be a good match for you.

But for me, isn't it stupid for me to run from a guy who's really no more "weird" than myself? If I dump this perfectly good relationship and find myself a more conservative guy, won't HE look at ME just like you look at men who try/look at gay sex?

Or, do you just think it's quite different for men?

I'd appreciate any more opnions on this.
Thanks

)

DonnaD · 04-01-2003, 06:41 AM

I still say that the fact that you're here asking the question indicates that you're not entirely comfortable with your boyfriend's sexuality. It bothers you, even though you think that it shouldn't.

As for me being "conservative"... let's just say "nope" LOL I grew up in NYC, where the gay culture is pretty much "out there." Heck, every kind of culture is "out there." Whatever your kink is, you can find like-minded individuals wherever you go. BUT.. I've never met a straight guy who has had homosexual experiences and still looks at gay porn. But as I said before, if you're ok with this, then it is not a problem. Myself, I want (and have) a nice straight guy. He can have his kinks, but any kinks that extend to other men is a turn-off for me.

Is there a double standard for men and women? Yup. Many guys would think a woman being with another woman is a pretty hot idea. These same people would not think two men together is hot at all. Right or wrong, that's just the way it is.

You have to decide for yourself what is acceptable and what is not. You don't have to be "fair." You can say it's ok for you to have been with other women, but it's not ok for your boyfriend to have been with other men, if that's what you really feel.

coaned · 04-01-2003, 07:40 AM

Well, I am going to have to disagree with DonnaD. I have a very good friend that used to engage in sex with other men. I live outside of NYC, and years back my friend worked at a very well known night club where this was very common. My friend will even say that he enjoyed it, but definitely prefers women.

He has been dating this girl now for about 3 years, and is head over heals in love with her. May he be into watching gay porn? Maybe...but who cares? I watch porn with 2 girls getting it on...and i'm not a lesbian. Do I think that he'd ever be with a man again? I highly doubt it. He had his fun, did his thing, and now knows what he prefers. If he prefered being with a man, he would be.

janeylane...to each his own. I know it is possible to be into watching the same sex get it on...as I mentioned before, I watch girl-on-girl porn, and I am straight. To pass judgement on a man for watching man-on-man porn would be very hypocritical. I would have to say that if he says that it's in his past, why not believe him?

Our society is so backwards when it comes to this. Why is it so much more accepted for a girl to be curious than a guy. I know a bunch of girls that have been with girls in the past, and if they brought it up to their boyfriends, I bet their boyfriends would think that it's cool, not question if they are really gay or bisexual.

Am I alone here?