How to tell when OUT is OUT - Sexual Health - General Message Board

notamonk · 09-05-2003, 10:36 AM

I have other post about my coming to terms with my sexuality and have a question.
Several people that responded to my posts stated that outing yourself to friends, etc. will make you feel better about yourself since you are being truthful - well I have told (over the years) several people and I never feel better and instead feel more unsure of what I am doing - does this mean that I am maybe not really gay - I have not been with another guy in over 20 years and the guy I was supposed to start a relationship with recently has changed his mind I guess because that's not happening anymore either - so I guess I'm not sure why I am even bothering to come out since it is making things more difficult for me - does this always happen?

fairiegoddess · 09-05-2003, 10:42 AM

oh please dont let one man change ur mind...when one door closes another one opens. embrace ur sexuality and whom u are as a person! so let this one man change his mind...maybe then u will have the chance to be with someone better or someone who u are truly meant for. and if coming out makes u feel better then by all means come out. im not one of those who belive that gay/lesbianism is wrong. and those that truly care about u wont care either. but most of all do it for urself so u dont feel trapped! i know easier said than done..i can understand. either way i wish u luck!

Tigrazhia · 09-05-2003, 06:55 PM

I think you need to come to terms with what you want for yourself. I have several gay & lesbian friends that are out & I know that they were in your situation at one point during their life, and I know for sure that once they came out, they all wondered why they hadn't done it much sooner :-)

I know it is a very big step to take and I applaud any that take it & start living their lives based on what they want themselves, not according to howpeople around them think it should be lived, & you'll probably be surprised at how supporting people will be, altho some may be wary at first because it'll be new to them.

Good luck with coming out & finding yourself.

orion · 09-05-2003, 11:04 PM

Coming out is about accepting yourself, not about telling the world. Once you accept who you are, then telling others close to you is just natural and something you want to do. I would say you need more gay friends, not necessarily telling them you are gay, but just being with them and learning that being gay is ok, but it's just one aspect of your life. You will always be way more than just gay.

As far as being gay, what turns you on determines that. If you like looking at guys, and you like thinking about them and you can imagine loving a guy then your pretty gay. Sometimes people push their feelings away and turn themselves off to sexual feelings in the hopes of hiding their identify from themselves. If you have done that, then you might need some therapy to help overcome that habit.

grubb26 · 09-07-2003, 09:44 AM

I have a brother who is gay. He is 1 1/2 years older than me, so we grew up together, doing everything together. My entire family knew he was gay from a very early age. I have 8 brothers, one of which is gay, and my mother told me that she knew he was gay when he was about 2 years old. As he got older and was trying to figure out his sexuality, he dated the most beautiful girls in town, and all the straight guys hated him. He was trying to figure out what his sexual orientation was, and I believe he was really trying to be hetero. He moved away from home, and shortly thereafter, he was forced to come out of the closet. (which is a whole 'nother story.) At any rate, my brother was able to come out at a younger age than you, and he is at peace with his lifestyle now. The only point I am trying to make is that my brother was extremely tormented until he finally came out. He battled with depression and drug addiction before coming out. It seemed that he was searching for something-or maybe trying to fill a void he felt in his life. Although my brother was much younger than you, and we all figured that he was gay, (we are all convinced that he was born that way), he still found his sexual orientation to be disturbing. It was really hard for him until he came out. He still has struggles of sorts, and of course, gets discriminated against occasionally, but-he is way more at peace with himself. He has finally accepted the cross that he has to bear, and he is fine with it...I feel from your posts, that although, you express that you don't feel the need to "come out", you seem to be tormented to a point because you haven't completely come out yet...Coming out may not be your "magic pill" to make your life all better-however, you seem like that is what you want to do. You seem to feel like you don't really have a group of peers that you can relate to. You seem like you are unsure of how to deal with all of these things you are feeling. That is understandable. Everyone goes through things like this. You need to just figure out what will work for you. Are there gay clubs in your area that you can go and meet people who are close to you geographically? I think that to meet people who are gay in your community, would be a great help. Meeting people online is fine, but, you need to hang out with real live people who are similar to you....If you can find a place where you live to meet other gay folks, I think they would help you too...It would also give you an opportunity to explore your sexuality because that seems to be another problem. You don't seem convinced that you are gay...Either way, what I hear from you is nothing but torment. Coming out may make you feel liberated, or like you don't have to hide behind a facade. Right now is a great time in history to come out. People are more accepting, and the gay community has grown, made themselves noticed and have more rights than ever before. I would say, do some soul searching. I feel that this may not be your only issue. You seem to be a hermit of sorts...But, I am sure that you will figure out the best way to deal with this...It may seem hard and unbearable for you right now-but remember-this too shall pass....good luck, you are not alone....