How to repair the past... A failed attempt left in ruins? - Sexual Health - General Message Board

KaOsTheOry12 · 09-08-2003, 08:45 PM

Well, I never thought I'd be posting something like this, but I've kinda hit my wits-end, so to speak.

Okay, so here's the situation. I'm 21, my girlfriend is 19, just recently turned. In my past, I've had sex with two other women, so I'd consider myself FAIRLY versed in the world of exploration, women, and whatnot. However, she has never been with anyone before.

So, I played up the whole romance thing, and made it the perfect atmosphere. It was absolutly perfect... or so I thought.

For some reason, when we first tried to commit to intercourse (both consentful, of course), she was in intense pain. We inevitably never managed to even get started cause I was too busy comforting her. I swear I did everything I could to make her ready, and I KNOW she was, she even told me she was.

So, things went bad. I figured, hey, what the hell, it's no big deal.

But now, about four months later, she's constantly pushed away any attempts to try again. When I finally asked her why she's so... " unreceptive ", her response was that she was scared. She didn't give me anymore details than that, but I can't blame her.

Anyways, I can't think of what to do now. How can I repair the past, and try to convince her to try again? We've managed some forms of regular foreplay/masterbation experiences, one of which she actually PASSED OUT before she finished. ( I didn't even notice until she told me she was going to, which caught me offguard. ) So now she's getting scared of THAT, she thinks she's a freak or has some huge physical problem and it's eating her up, in turn biting my arse because I don't like seeing her so depressed about it.

-KAOS; The ONLY Theory worth considering

Meg28 · 09-09-2003, 12:21 AM

Hmm...this is tough.
She's young and scared and that isn't out of the ordinary. It hurt the first time and her brain is telling her not to do it again. Makes sense right? By the way, you sound like a very understanding boyfriend. With your patience she may in time want to try again, maybe she just needs time. Don't even bring it up. If she never brings it up again then there's a problem. Are you sure she wanted to have sex in the first place?
Some women have very tight and tough hymens to break through and some have actually had to have their doctor cut it for them becuase it hurt so bad trying to have sex. Suggest she go to the doctor. She should be going now for annual check ups anyway and especially now that she wants to be sexually active.
Who knows if it's pysical or psychological? No one but her. Give her some time and then talk to her. Just don't pressure her. That would be the worst thing to do. You sound like you're a sweetheart and she's lucky to have you.

Now, on the subject of her passing out when she's masturbating or you're masturbating her - that is completely normal! Lot's of men and women have this happen to them. Basically it's because there is so much blood going down to your sexual organs that there isn't a whole lot left in your brain so you get woozy and pass out. It's kind of funny. It just means that she's really turned on. It won't hurt her.

Good luck with all of this, sorry for the rambling!
Meg

Rikimaru · 09-09-2003, 11:20 AM

I have to concur with Meg on this. If she's not ready, for whatever reason, DON'T PRESSURE HER. Sex is something an individual has to when they're ready for (assuming it's on the basis of solid logic, not "everyone else is doing it".. hear that kiddies?). If you try and pressure her, she'll only resent you for it.

If you really care for her enough to pursue the relationship outside of any sex life right now, then simply let her know that you'll be there when she's ready... no pressure.

I also have to agree that she should regularly be seeing a gynecologist now if she's not already.

KaOsTheOry12 · 09-09-2003, 11:58 AM

Hmm.. I'll do that. Can I maybe get a little more information on the processes involved (generally) with a gynecologist(sp?)?

Oh, and to answer another question.. Well, she SAID she wanted to. She told me distinctly, I wouldn't have tried any other way with her.

I suggested the doctor to her long after the first time went bad, because since I hadn't ever encountered this kind of problem, I went searching for answers. I was pretty sure I wasn't doing anything WRONG persay. So I thought maybe that would help her.

But she's really worried about seeing a gynecologist. Maybe someone could post some relatively detailed information on what a gynecologist does, how a standard check-up goes, etc...? I can't say offhand I've looked it up. If I find that out here, I'll most likely show her what I've found, so she knows I'm trying to help her.

One last question, about the passing out. If, for some reason, we should end up in the same situation, is it logical for a couple to continue even though the girl's about to pass out? I kinda slowed down and stopped after she told me that, in fear that it might hurt her.

-KaOs : The only theory worth mentioning.

[This message has been edited by KaOsTheOry12 (edited 09-09-2003).]

Rikimaru · 09-10-2003, 12:19 PM

I would imagine her issues with a gynecologist aren't fear of the actual check-up, but the feelings it generates. Many women are brought up with the idea that to go to a gynecologist is an admission that you're having sex. Many women think a gynecologist is simply someone you go to when you have problems or are pregnant, rather than for regular visits in the interest of maintaining your health. To put it terms of automotive repair, a gynecologist is someone a woman should go to for "routine inspection and maintenance."

It's like a guy having his prostate checked... it's not pleasant, but it's important to do, regardless.