It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Sexual Health - General Message Board
Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 08-24-2003, 05:54 PM   #1
Newbie
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Mass Usa
Posts: 9
Frosty HB User
Post Any married couples bring another woman in......


To your "bedroom"?

My wife is currently dealing with issues in therapy relating to sexual abuse as a child, recently in therapy she has been diagnosed as "multiple personality" and also they are working on the possible scenario that she is a lesbian or bi-sexual (to be determined).

If she is a lesbian, obviously it will be over between us, but what if she is bi-sexual? I am not sure how I feel about it, yes I have fantasized about it, but have never been involved. I have told her I would consider it if she is bi-sexual.

Anyone have any advice from experience?

Thanks
__________________
It doesnt get any better than this!

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 08-25-2003, 05:46 AM   #2
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Australia
Posts: 3,987
Audrey-B HB UserAudrey-B HB UserAudrey-B HB UserAudrey-B HB UserAudrey-B HB User
Post

I've not been in your situation, but i'm very curious how these therapists "diagnose" a person to be bi or lesbian?

You say if she is lesbian that it will be over between the two of you. Does that mean the therapist will say your wife is lesbian and your wife will just accept that fact that she must be lesbian due to the therapist's say so? I'm just a little confused and worried that a person would have no idea of what they are and after some sessions with a therapist they walk out the door "knowing" they are something other than what they thought they were. Kind of scary actually, unless your wife had prior doubts about her sexuality.

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 08-25-2003, 04:00 PM   #3
Newbie
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Mass Usa
Posts: 9
Frosty HB User
Post

No, it really is not up to the therapist to "diagnose" being a lesbian, my wife is feeling attraction towards women (which she has at times before) but as they have worked on some issues in therapy those feelings have become stronger at times. My wife is in the process of trying to find out if these feelings are emotional, sexual, or both and if she ends up "knowing" she is a lesbian for obvious reasons we will have to part ways.

She basically says she loves me, still feels attracted to me at times, and at ohter times she has been fantasizing or finding herself checking out women. We are unsure if this related to sexual abuse she suffered as a child somehow. She had felt "different" at times when she was a child but who wouldnt if you were being regularly abused.

Parts of her "multiplicity" are in mourning and these "personalities" within her may be driving these feelings. What combinations of these parts as she heals will produce what result remains to be seen?

It is up to her therapist to pose the right questions for thought and reflection, but it is up to her to sort out the details.

God I wish life was simple sometimes!
__________________
It doesnt get any better than this!

 
Old 08-26-2003, 09:35 AM   #4
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Indiana
Posts: 33
Jan 2 HB User
Post

I can relate to what you are saying about your wife. I too was sexually abused as a child and find myself "checking out" other women. I am married too. But one thing that I don't quite understand is, why do many people assume that if someone is sexually abused as a child, then they have a higher chance of being gay as an adult. I am comfortable with my sexuality and sometimes wonder. I think society has too much influence on one's sexuality. Society dictates what is right and what is wrong. Technically, there is no right or wrong. No one can tell you whether you are or are not gay. Yes, I do agree that a therapist can help you sort out your thoughts because it can be confusing, but it sounds as if you are just standing around waiting for a magic answer from the therapist. Only she knows the answers. May need to see a marriage counselor.

 
Old 09-02-2003, 08:41 AM   #5
Newbie
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Stamford Ct USA
Posts: 3
gretchenclaire HB User
Post

I am happily married to a wondefful man. I felt comfortable telling him that I am attracted to other women. we tried it we like it, I guess you can call us swingers..soft swingers though. They is nothing wrong with being open with your sexuality, I feel more confident in myself becasue of it! and believe me my hubby LOVES it!

 
Old 09-03-2003, 03:09 PM   #6
Newbie
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Mass Usa
Posts: 9
Frosty HB User
Post

Thanks again for the reply's, therapy is on-going for both of us and I will update as things become clearer.
__________________
It doesnt get any better than this!

 
Old 09-04-2003, 07:29 PM   #7
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2003
Posts: 75
toolbox HB User
Post

Quote:
Originally posted by gretchenclaire:
I am happily married to a wondefful man. I felt comfortable telling him that I am attracted to other women. we tried it we like it, I guess you can call us swingers..soft swingers though. They is nothing wrong with being open with your sexuality, I feel more confident in myself becasue of it! and believe me my hubby LOVES it!

My b/f and I flirt with the "virtual" aspect of having a threesome through video and talk, but I can't imagine actually bringing another woman into "our" bed... by "soft swingers"... what exactly do you mean? I guess that's my confusion here... a woman touching him, or me, in the utmost sensual setting, in reality really would never happen. I've done it before w/ men who I "dated", simply to entertain, but the thought of doing it with someone I truely love sickens me.. although I know it happens more often than I think P.S. I'm really trying to understand if I've curbed his (my b/f) desire, or if he still desires it and is just being quiet because I won't comply

 
Old 09-11-2003, 11:16 PM   #8
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: sc
Posts: 22
big boy HB User
Post

if you bring another women into your relationship, you will regreat it.

 
Old 09-12-2003, 03:16 PM   #9
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: uk
Posts: 119
little_miss HB User
Post

not everyone regrets it but u have to keep it seperate from u and ur husbands relationship and only agree to it if u feel comfortable with it not evryone does and yes sometimes it does break ppl up but if u both want it and both agree its up to u.


janice

------------------
janice
__________________
janice

 
Old 06-10-2004, 06:51 PM   #10
Junior Member
 
Join Date: May 2004
Posts: 38
Dreamer3866 HB User
Re: Any married couples bring another woman in......

As someone who is in therapy with D.I.D as a possible diagnosis I too share feelings for the same sex although I'm not too sure it's actually 'me' that feels this or a female 'alter' which is a personality that harbours this desire.
Bringing another woman into your relationship would NOT be a good idea and I wonder at a therapist that would advise such a thing. If your lady is dissociative and she 'switches' during this all hell could break loose and her pysche will be (if she was abused as a young child) damaged enough that to put her through this is NOT advisable.
Feelings like this should be worked through the theraputic relationship and expressed there (verbally) as to not destroy your relationship.
Does she hear internal voices?
Does she not understand how time works?
Is she moody at times?
Is her memory patchy?
Does she suffer physical symptoms that have no medical answer/
One has to be so careful before diagnosing this and that's why my diagnosis is 'tentative!
You have to be sure she has D.I.D before disrupting anything as multiple peronality(Dissociative Identity Disorder) people crave routine and dislike change.
Maybe you could see the therapist with her and talk about this as this disoder is highly unstable and can be dangerous as so many suicides come about through people with D.I.D.
One personality or alter may be Lesbian whereas the one in executive control that loves you may be heterosexual.
Caution is needed.

Peace to you both.

 
Old 06-11-2004, 07:57 AM   #11
Senior Member
(male)
 
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: NYC, USA
Posts: 144
jamie17 HB User
Re: Any married couples bring another woman in......

It sounds to me like your wife has a plate full of issues to deal with at the moment, and I don't think bringing in a third person is such a good idea right now --- why muddy things when they are already not completely clear to begin with?

But since you asked for people to share their thoughts based on their experiences, here's my thoughts on three-ways.

I have been on both sides of a three-way: as a third person being brought into an existing relationship, and as one half of an existing relationship bringing in a third person. (I have also been part of three-ways involving people where no one was in a realtionship, but that's not relevant here, I guess.) So my perspective encompasses, I would say, all the variations, just so you know where I'm coming from.

Three-ways can work out just fine, or they can be a disaster. It all depends on the people involved and their attitude towards sex and fidelity and life in general, and how their energies and attitudes combine. Basically, it can only be successful if everyone is very honest and up-front about their expectations --- and this includes being honest with yourself, which sometimes is the hardest thing. Everyone has to be ready, willing and able, and everyone has to be on the same page (sorry for the cliches) or the whole thing will fall apart very quickly. It's hard to know --- if not impossible to know --- what's really on someone's mind, or how someone really feels about something --- they might not even know themselves. So sometimes you think everyone is ok with what's happening, and really, someone isn't. Sometimes you don't discover this until days or weeks afterwards, so your committment to being open and honest has to extend beyond the event in question. Follow-up and communication is key. There really isn't anything that can't be worked out or overcome --- if "problems" arise during or after --- if all of you are operating from a place of caring and love and respect for each other. But that doesn't mean that it's going to be easy to work things out, that there won't be some hurt feelings in the meantime.

I think the biggest problem is that it is almost impossible for the "action" to be 100% equal all the way around. Someone is going to be the exciting "new" person, and someone is going to be the (by contrast) familiar "old" partner; someone is going to get a lot of attention from two people and someone is going to feel slighted. Even if the three of you somehow miraculously manage to pay equal attention to each other and no one ends up feeling ignored or second-choice, people will find themselves wondering if one of you prefers another of you for something, if some part of one of you is more attractive than some part of yours, etc. People will not be able to help themselves from wondering if one of the other people is preferred for whatever reason to one or both of the other partners. Deep inside, everyone wants to be the "star" --- the one whom both other people prefer, either physically or for technique or whatever. But someone has to be the "third choice" person in the three way. It's never fun to imagine that that person could be you, but it might be. Or what if that slighted person turns out to be your wife, and she develops issues around that that continue to surface for years afterwards? You could be opening a can of worms, and it seems like you both already have alot to deal with.

But it can also be a really wonderful experience, if everyone knows what they are getting into and is aware of the possible outcomes and is up for dealing with them.

 
Old 06-13-2004, 08:11 AM   #12
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2004
Posts: 139
uchimama HB User
Re: Any married couples bring another woman in......

most women think about being with another woman at some point. it's the tenderness, softness, and the fact that another woman doesn't pose a threat (relating back to the abuse). I don't think it makes a person a lesbian. I think it makes them normal.

 
Old 06-14-2004, 06:28 AM   #13
Senior Veteran
 
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: USA
Posts: 1,075
devastated HB User
Re: Any married couples bring another woman in......

Quote:
Originally Posted by big boy
if you bring another women into your relationship, you will regreat it.
This weekend my fiance and I brought in another female, and afterwards, I felt oddly un-freaked out by it. It was alot of fun, and I have no bad feelings about it, and hope to have more "experiences" with her. I am bi-sexual, and having a 3-some had been somthing we had talked about, but were undecided about it because we didn't want it to hurt our relationship at all....it's impossible to truly know how you will feel about it until after the fact. I know it's not for everyone, but this type of sexual activity does work for some couples, with no regrets.

 
Old 06-14-2004, 02:49 PM   #14
Senior Veteran
(male)
 
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Rocking IN. USA
Posts: 1,051
Hoop HB UserHoop HB User
Re: Any married couples bring another woman in......

Quote:
Originally Posted by devastated
This weekend my fiance and I brought in another female, and afterwards, I felt oddly un-freaked out by it. It was alot of fun, and I have no bad feelings about it, and hope to have more "experiences" with her. I am bi-sexual, and having a 3-some had been somthing we had talked about, but were undecided about it because we didn't want it to hurt our relationship at all....it's impossible to truly know how you will feel about it until after the fact. I know it's not for everyone, but this type of sexual activity does work for some couples, with no regrets.

As Gomer Pyle would say:

"Well, shame, shame shame!"

"Surprise, surprise, surprise!"

 
Old 06-16-2004, 03:59 PM   #15
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Posts: 123
verylongday HB User
Re: Any married couples bring another woman in......

I had a huge post prepared but jamie17 pretty much said it all before I did.

I think that before you even consider bringing in a thrid person that your wife needs more fully recognize her issues and learn to cope, and hopefully heal. Disorders such as those you mention can manifest in more ways than your already seen - and this might bring in additional trauma.

WHEN/IF your wife finds her "place" and brings this up to you, you should both mull it over and decide if its something you BOTH want.

In the interim, I wouldnt try to give her a nice surprise by bringing home a GF for her one night ;-)

Personally, I am bi. I've had both good and bad expereinces with 3somes, but the good, thus far, outweigh the bad because there is ALOT of trust and openness and willingness to talk :-)

 
Closed Thread

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
How often do married couples have sex? draca Sexual Health - General 23 11-10-2009 03:56 PM
Am I being silly? ? for long-time married couples thinkoutloud Relationship Health 2 12-30-2006 10:02 AM
In love with a married woman... Please help. hopelessinlove Relationship Health 18 10-27-2006 07:13 PM
Married w children but found another pmaapl Relationship Health 75 07-29-2006 06:00 AM
I've sorta been dating the married woman -CvC- Relationship Health 18 07-05-2006 10:56 PM




Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Sign Up Today!

Ask our community of thousands of members your health questions, and learn from others experiences. Join the conversation!

I want my free account

All times are GMT -7. The time now is 06:05 AM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.comô
Terms of Use © 1998-2014 HealthBoards.comô All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!