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Old 08-22-2011, 03:47 PM   #1
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sex identity/need help please!

Hi there. I am a man, married with kids and I'm in my late 30s. I love my wife and love being with her and my family. I am very attracted to women and enjoy sex with my wife.

I've always fantasized, though, since the start of puberty, about being with another man sexually. OK, everyone has fantasies. BUT the problem is, with each passing year, the idea of being with a man has become almost an obsession. Every sex fantasy I have entails being with a man. I now secretly look at gay porn, I think about being with a guy when I'm with my wife and I'm having really vivid sex dreams, and they all are with men. I have no problem with homosexuality, and if I was gay I think I'd embrace it. But I have no big urge to ever date a man or be in a relationship with a man etc. I wouldn't mind doing so if I was single, but I'm not. I truly LOVE being in a relationship with my wife. So am I bisexual? If so, fine, but why the almost compulsion now. Is this early onset mid-life crisis? If so, why these attractions?

I am suffering from depression to the point I have gone on meds and I sometimes wake up at 3 a.m. and think, 'I can't live like this.' This is all I can think about. It is hurting my family life. My wife knows something is wrong, but she would be shocked to know this. I don't feel I can share this because, my guess is that, once something like this is said, especially by a guy, you are never looked at the same. My wife loves me, but I fear this would forever change how she looks at me.

Any help, thoughts, suggestions?

 
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Old 08-23-2011, 02:01 AM   #2
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Re: sex identity/need help please!

I am 19 years old. I'm barely beginning my life and definitely don't have as experience in living as you do, but this is what I think. If you really love your wife and children don't allow yourself to suffer like this. You seem to be really emotionally suffering because of this confusion and shame you feel about expressing it to your wife. You need to tell her. She married you and devoted herself to you in way that transcends all other bonds. She obviously loves you and respects you. You need to get this weight off your chest and let her know exactly how your feeling and why your feeling it. Like you have here. It's not worth your marriage going south and your kids receiving an unstable environment. Because if that were to happen it would spiral even worse because you might even feel guilty and responsible for it. not only that, but just for your own mental health and stability. You need to level with your wife and depend on her. This is us being typical men losing an idea of masculinity and maybe even being afraid of judgment, but shes your wife and loves you. I think exactly what you said here, you need to tell her. Gather your courage and talk to her, depend on her, and trust in the bonds and experiences that you two have shared. I may be young and idealistic, but I don't think this is the wrong decision for you to make. That's my piece.

 
Old 08-23-2011, 12:13 PM   #3
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Re: sex identity/need help please!

Try not to worry about it. If you think it's affecting your relationship and family, please talk someone (professional). I have feeling that everything will be ok. There's nothing wrong with the feelings and thoughts you're having.

 
Old 08-23-2011, 02:16 PM   #4
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Re: sex identity/need help please!

There are times when I sometimes wonder what it would be like. Not to the extreme you're at but I do wonder sometimes. Personally I enjoy anal play. When I first broached the subject with my wife she was extremely hesitant to the point she wondered out loud if I were a secret gay. I assured her I was not gay but I did enjoy receiving anal play.

I'm not sure if this is an option in your relationship but maybe suggest to your wife you want to experiment with anal play where you're on the receiving end. My wife and I have a strap-on that we use every so often. Nothing large but it works and is comfortable. If she's up to it, maybe you and your wife could consider trying this route.

 
Old 08-24-2011, 09:58 AM   #5
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Re: sex identity/need help please!

I'm with Jumper. I enjoy a little anal play. Haven't tried the strap-on yet. But have tried fellatio with the SO vibrator while masturbating.

 
Old 09-17-2011, 09:10 AM   #6
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Re: sex identity/need help please!

coming from a woman, i say that if my husband came to me and told me about this and had such feeling i would understand that its something subconscious and the only way to get through it would be to help him. I would ask what i could do to help him. seeing as you obviously love your wife and children very much i would say once again as a woman that as long as the love and commitment to your family was untouched that there would be no reason for her to panic. i say start the conversation off with a positive note, for instance, tell her you love her and your children very much but you are struggling with... your problem... just be very understanding to her and realize that this will jar her a bit. but she should react well to the situation if she is reassured that your relationship with her is on stable ground and you love her very much. just please make sure she knows that this has nothing to do with your sex life with her, woman tend to think in situations like this that they caused whatever the problem may be. if she loves you she will understand. be patient. hope this helps.
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