It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Sexual Health - General Message Board
Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 09-18-2011, 11:40 AM   #1
Newbie
(male)
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Schuylkill County, PA, USA
Posts: 1
outofideasinpa HB User
My Wife Won't Have Sex With Me!

Hey All,

Me and my wife are both 34, we have been together for 10 years. We have two little girls, a 5 and 6 year old. Since before the birth of our first child, my wife will rarely have sex with me, maybe once every 2 to 3 months. This is not for lack of trying on my part. I am a good husband, a great father, I don't go out, I don't drink, I pitch in around the house. Other then sex our relationship is fair, we get along, but I can never have any deep conversations with my wife about anything (bills, future, work, etc.) without her ending up getting mad at me and starting an argument. When we first met, we would have sex 3 times a day, and she was open to anything, (anal, oral, whatever), then after our relationship became serious it converted into only regular sex, I will give her oral, but she hasn't gone down on me in years. After we were engaged I found out my wife was very very sexually active with many many partners before me. This was something that disgusted me to the point that I almost didn't want to be with her. I tried talking to her about it, but she would never have a conversation with me about it. I went to counseling on my own to deal with it since she wouldn't talk about it, and I eventually got over it. I love my wife, and all I want to do is be with her, but she don't seem to care about my needs or wants at all.

A few month ago I found she had a vibrator and used it very often, she denied she used it and said it was from a bachelorette party she was at. She has it in her nightstand drawer on top and it smelled like her, so I know she used it. The one time we were finally having sex, I brought it out and tried to use it with her and she said it was stupid and she didn't like it. While we were using it, the vibrator broke and I felt bad, so I bought her 2 new sex toys, thinking this might make her want me. Since I bought them, she is using them all the time, but she says she hasn't used them at all (again by the night stand and they smell like her). I don't care if she masturbates 10 times a day if she was having sex with me.

There is nothing wrong with me, I am a little chubby but not fat by any standards, my wife gained a lot of weight since we met, but it doesn't bother me. I am a musician and I play shows regularly in local restaurants and I make a decent living. Other than playing on the weekends I drive truck, sometimes 60+ hours a week on little or no sleep, and I still have the energy to try to be with my wife. Her on the other hand is always tired (she works part time), has a headache, doesn't feel good, and every other excuse in the book.

I have been very patient, but I am at my witts end. I don't want to live the rest of my life without having sex. I am not the kind of guy that would ever cheat, and the thought of leaving her and having my kids grow up in a broken household makes me sick to my stomach. I have tried talking to her about this many times and she basically doesn't care about my needs. I told her I have been thinking of leaving her, and she told me to go ahead. I honestly don't think she is cheating on me, but she is very secretive about her phone, and is constantly erasing text messages on it. I guess this is just a last ditch effort to try to find an alternative before I leave her. I don't even know where I would go. Any thoughts on this would be very helpful.


Thanks

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 09-19-2011, 08:32 AM   #2
Senior Member
(male)
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 194
JumperOK HB UserJumperOK HB UserJumperOK HB UserJumperOK HB UserJumperOK HB UserJumperOK HB User
Re: My Wife Won't Have Sex With Me!

I initially was going to say the stresses of maintaining a household, raise young kids, etc were prime suspects in why your relationship is faltering. However, if she is erasing text messages, is secretive about her phone, etc, it's highly plausible your wife is having an affair. May not be a physical affair and only an emotional affair, but it's an affair. And the fact she said she doesn't care if you left leads me to think she is having an affair and is looking for an "out" or a way to get out of the marriage.

To be honest, it sounds very easy for her to have a physical affair. If you're working 60+ hours a week, playing shows regularly, she may feel neglected and you only want her for sex. She probably has no emotional connection to you at all. Without that emotional connection, she may have sought that thru another person and with you out of the house so much, it would be very easy for her.

I strongly recommend you try to get her into marriage counseling to see if you two can get to the root of the problem.

 
Old 09-22-2011, 05:14 AM   #3
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Belly Kelly's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 852
Blog Entries: 1
Belly Kelly HB UserBelly Kelly HB UserBelly Kelly HB UserBelly Kelly HB UserBelly Kelly HB UserBelly Kelly HB UserBelly Kelly HB UserBelly Kelly HB UserBelly Kelly HB UserBelly Kelly HB UserBelly Kelly HB User
Re: My Wife Won't Have Sex With Me!

If she is not cheating, then there is something missing between the two of you mentally. What men don't seem to understand is that 90% of sex for women is mental. We are not visual creatures. We cannot just look at you and get turned on. We are tired from caring for the kids, working, cleaning, cooking, paying bills, and making sure everyone is alive and well. At the end of the day, we can't just turn on a switch and feel sexy and ready to go at it. The foreplay must start before all of that.

Additionally, your wife is probably feeling depressed. If she has gained a lot of weight, this is a sure sign of her depression.

My advice is to plan a weekend away or even a week away without the kids. I know this can be very hard, but perhaps you can surprise her. I always find that I am so much more relaxed when I am away and don't have to worry about the kids and house.
__________________
"There's a big difference in playing the victim than in causing your own personal drama." -BK

 
Old 09-22-2011, 08:47 AM   #4
Veteran
(male)
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 422
Whoopee HB UserWhoopee HB UserWhoopee HB UserWhoopee HB UserWhoopee HB UserWhoopee HB UserWhoopee HB UserWhoopee HB UserWhoopee HB UserWhoopee HB UserWhoopee HB User
Re: My Wife Won't Have Sex With Me!

I hate to have to say this, but you're in deep doo doo. As I see it, you're unhappy with sex frequency, you tell her, she doesn't care, you threaten to leave her and she says, go ahead and leave! Are you kidding me? You have no bargaining chips as I see it. Where's the leaverage when she says, go ahead and leave? I'm afraid as long as you're in the household, she will call the shots and if you don't like it, you can leave (and btw, she doesn't care). I'm sorry to be so harsh but you really are in a pickle. I honestly do wish you the Best though!

 
Old 12-26-2011, 09:55 AM   #5
Junior Member
(male)
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Houston,TX
Posts: 15
Bob in Texas HB User
Re: My Wife Won't Have Sex With Me!

It sounds like there is something else going on here. She needs to understand that whats not done at home will be done elsewhere.

 
Old 12-28-2011, 10:34 AM   #6
Veteran
(male)
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 422
Whoopee HB UserWhoopee HB UserWhoopee HB UserWhoopee HB UserWhoopee HB UserWhoopee HB UserWhoopee HB UserWhoopee HB UserWhoopee HB UserWhoopee HB UserWhoopee HB User
Re: My Wife Won't Have Sex With Me!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bob in Texas View Post
It sounds like there is something else going on here. She needs to understand that whats not done at home will be done elsewhere.
That would all be good and well if she "cared" but she made it pretty clear, she doesn't care what you do, period! Obviously, she's not invested in this relationship and has made it clear she doesn't give a hoo haa one way or another about you. My opinion, that's no way to live and it's high time to "take off"!

Last edited by Mod-S4; 12-28-2011 at 08:40 PM. Reason: Please respond to the original poster, not other replies. Thanks.

 
Old 12-28-2011, 11:06 AM   #7
Junior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: United States
Posts: 27
pianoprincesse HB User
Re: My Wife Won't Have Sex With Me!

If you are still together with your wife:

I have plenty of suggestions on what could be the problem as well as what could help. I know I am young but I have been with the same man for 8 years. My heart goes out to all struggling marriages..

Last edited by Mod-S4; 12-28-2011 at 08:40 PM.

 
Closed Thread

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
Wife has very low sex drive johnnydickens Sexual Health - General 4 07-25-2011 05:15 PM
Wife and Husband Sex Streaker76 Sexual Health - General 14 03-21-2011 12:00 AM
Wife's lost interest Js1976 Sexual Health - General 40 03-08-2010 08:19 AM
Wife never initiates sex, what to do? Samoh Sexual Health - General 24 03-25-2009 12:28 PM
Deployed in Iraq questions about wife at home. vikings3 Sexual Health - General 7 06-20-2007 04:51 AM

Tags
lack of sex, married sex, wife sex



Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Join Our Newsletter

Stay healthy through tips curated by our health experts.

Whoops,

There was a problem adding your email Try again

Thank You

Your email has been added








TOP THANKED CONTRIBUTORS



lenvegas (12), rosequartz (8), writeleft (6), Kszan (5), Tivo123 (4), ladybud (4), Titchou (4), Kali333 (4), solofelix (4), captjane (4)

Site Wide Totals

teteri66 (1164), MSJayhawk (997), Apollo123 (898), Titchou (833), janewhite1 (823), Gabriel (758), ladybud (745), sammy64 (666), midwest1 (665), BlueSkies14 (610)



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 02:58 AM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.comô
Terms of Use © 1998-2014 HealthBoards.comô All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!