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Old 12-21-2011, 10:27 AM   #1
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I'm pretty sure I'm being used.

I'm dating this guy who is almost 11 years older then me. We met because I would watch his now 10 year old daughter. He had just gotten threw a divorce because his ex wife had cheated on him. I don't really go into anything without weighing the crap out of the pros and cons, so when I started to date him I thought I had everything under control. The only person who wasn't happy with my division was my God mother who also happen to be his sister. But she has no basis in reality what so ever. For example she really does think there is love at first site. She met her husband from this dating program called the people store and apparently thinks it's safer for me to internet date then to meet actual people in person and meet them that way. I have tried internet dating sites and all the men just wanted sex. But I guess that is all that men want anyway.
Anyways, when we first dated my guy would take me out to eat, or we would go to the bars or we would just walk around to see and be seen. He would also buy me lots of stupid things like flowers, I never asked for them but they made me feel special and loved so I started to think that we would be together for a while. But then he would tell me all the time that he was trying to control him self and get a little heavy with the petting. He would tell me he wanted to wait to have sex so it would be special, but then he would tease him self by doing things that would get him riled up. He kept on wanting me to spend the night because he never wanted to be a way from me, but I knew the real reason why. He said that his intentions were pure and that he wouldn't do anything i didn't want him too. I felt bad that I didn't give him the benefit of the doubt so one night I spent the night at his house, It's a good thing I had the foresight to bring condoms because when he got into bed he would not get off me. he kept on saying how he didn't want us to change and how special tonight was. It didn't feel special to me, it was just a necessary evil. I am not a virgin but he hurt really bad . The next week we went to the bar, at first everything was so much fun until he started to get drunk then he put his hand down my shirt. I tried to move his hand and he told me he just wanted to feel my heart beat. Then he stared at me like a creeper and told me that I was his. Later on I started my period so i told him repeatably I didn't want to do anything sexual, but he still wanted to, he even when on a rant talking about how if we moved in together I would have to have sex with him even if I had a headache or something stupid like that. So even though I was on my period he kept on trying to put his hands in my pants and had me get on top of him. Eventually I just did what he wanted so he would let me sleep. It was really gross.
The next week he told me that his daughter wanted to go over to a friends house and so I could spend the night at his. Again this time I brought the condoms, he bought lube. He told me it was a present. It was more a present for him though on account of I didn't feel any pleasure by having sex with him and he hurt. Later I found out that he had lied about his daughter coming over, he in realty had told her not to com because he needed to catch up on his sleep. I was abandoned as a child by my mother for a boy so I told him that was unacceptable. It was our first little tiff, after that things changed.
He has a job installing satilights so he works a lot and all over the place, which is fine. But he used to text me all the time. Now he never does, he used to text me first thing in the mourning and last thing at night now he doesn't. I have to text him. I try to make plans with him and he says he'll be there and then he'll leave me hanging. Or he will text me and tell he surprisingly got more jobs in and that he will be home real late. And then after I tell him forget it or go to where ever we planned to go all y myself suddenly he doesn't have to work that job again. This has happened at least 6 times and my patients is growing thin. He's blown both me and his daughter off twice. And the only time he has met any of my friends was when I brought one over to a Christmas party he went to too. He assures me he wants to meet my friends but every time we make plans for that too he cant go. But heaven forbid if he can actually text or call before time so I can have a heads up. I do everything by myself, I bought Christmas presents by myself. It's like I'm single but I can't even flirt with anyone. I am so lonely. And the thing is though if I told him I wanted to spend the night suddenly he would have all the time in the world. I want to break up with him but I don't know if I'm being crazy. We haven't had sex with each other for a while mostly because I haven't spent the night. and I don't want to either, their is nothing to gain from having sex with him. It would be like rewarding bad behavior. I feel trapped I don't know what to do. If I leave him I'll be alone, but I'm already alone.
So what do you think? If you have other questions just ask.

 
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Old 12-21-2011, 09:38 PM   #2
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Re: I'm pretty sure I'm being used.

There is little if anything healthy about this relationship.
You mentioned the age gap but what are your ages?
This guy sounds like a real jerk.

 
Old 12-21-2011, 10:23 PM   #3
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Re: I'm pretty sure I'm being used.

He just turned 33 and I'll be 23 in February. I understand there is a large age gap, but I thought that if I dated an older guy I would be able to get past all the ******** so to speak. Is this my fault?

 
Old 12-22-2011, 02:09 AM   #4
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Re: I'm pretty sure I'm being used.

All is revealed in the subject heading you chose.

The way you describe it, this guy
  • pressures you to have sex
  • hurts you when you have sex
  • lies to you
  • ignores you
  • never communicates meaningfully or thoughtfully with you
Why are you continuing this relationship? Surely you don't want to be abused any more than you have been already.

Quote:
I have tried internet dating sites and all the men just wanted sex. But I guess that is all that men want anyway.
That is a cynical attitude. The majority of men are not like that.
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I hear the beat of a different drummer

 
Old 12-22-2011, 08:10 AM   #5
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Re: I'm pretty sure I'm being used.

Well I talked to him yesterday. He mostly talked about work and how the reason he couldn't see me was becuase he was busy all the time. He told me to wait until after he got back from this big project he has to do in Tennesee. He'll be gone for about a month. After that he's supost to have more time for me. As far as not all guys being the way i described, I understand that. However, I have never seen anything diffrent. Men act like that in my family, the boys I talk to act like that, ,my freinds husbands act like that. So in way I've never known anything diffrent then having to play games all the time. I really do like this guy and last night he said he would change. He said he would take me out to eat and a movie. I would love for that to be true. I can't just break up with him, it would make him feel bad and then I would have to give a good reason as to why I wanted to break it off, and I don't even think my reasons are good ones.

 
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Old 12-22-2011, 10:02 AM   #6
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Re: I'm pretty sure I'm being used.

He is a terrible, terrible person and he treats you very badly. He ignores you and he forces you to have sex with him and then he hurts you while having sex. This is a very unhealthy and dangerous relationship and all of the reasons you listed are good enough reasons to break up with him. As for hurting his feelings. Why should you care? Since he never cares about your feelings, why do you care so much about his?

 
Old 12-22-2011, 10:47 AM   #7
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Re: I'm pretty sure I'm being used.

you don't need to ever justify anything to anyone......
if you want to break up with him, you break up with him......
he's not treating you right, that's reason enough

 
Old 12-23-2011, 08:55 AM   #8
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Re: I'm pretty sure I'm being used.

This is very sad! Please Google Dear Abby's "15 Signs of an Abuser." I think you would benefit greatly by talking to a therapist about yourself, your family history, your "boyfriend," and your future goals.

 
Old 12-23-2011, 09:20 AM   #9
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Re: I'm pretty sure I'm being used.

I really hope that you figure out how bad this guy is and get away from him soon. You should not be putting up with this kind of treatment from anyone.

 
Old 12-23-2011, 11:58 AM   #10
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Re: I'm pretty sure I'm being used.

Wow, it really is a shame that your self-esteem is so low that you feel like you have justify why you should dump this t*rd. What are you "really" getting out of this relationship? I didn't see much from what I read. Honestly, you should make a clean break from this guy and stay single for some time and work on loving yourself more. Once you get to a place where you truly love yourself, you will attract a mate who will treat you better and also respect you. You deserve that! Good Luck!

 
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