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Old 02-21-2012, 10:38 AM   #1
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Married for 2 1/2 years.. need advice

I am hoping that someone has some helpful articles that they can advise my wife and I to read regarding the effects and causes of the lack of sex drive.

To keep it simple, her sex drive has changed from mutually initiating sex 3-5 times a week to now once every two weeks on a Saturday or Sunday only. What that means is I find myself having to initiate sex probably 90% of the time now, regardless if I am successful in my attempts or not. It may be conceded but we both are very attractive people and in the nearly 8 years we have been together, we both agree that we have become more attractive with our maturing of age (we are both 26 years old).

We are both successful at our careers and work hard at them. But she seems to not have the ability to "turn off work" after she gets home like I can, so when I try to talk to her about my frustrations sexually she will generally say she is tired from work mentally and physically. Now I do get frustrated with this because currently I wake up and an hour before she does and I work 4 hours more a each day as well as weekends which consists of office work and physical labor (Only while working a big project once a month for 2 months, other than that I work 10 hours a day). To me, coming home from a hard day of work and expressing my love emotionally and physically with sex is best stress relief that I could hope for. But that is only my opinion. Thinking of her while at work only makes more excited and anxious about getting home to her. So to me, it is very frustrating to hear that she is too tired for me. It hurts my feelings and makes me feel unwanted. And part of it is my fault too because I falsely give myself expectations which often are let down.

Don't get me wrong, my wife is very affectionate and loving towards me. But that usually stops at the bedroom. I love my wife very much and we are super happy together. We have a great relationship and I cannot live without her. I would never step outside of my marriage and she wouldn't either so please don't assume that is happening. There is not enough space for me here to express how deep our relationship is. There is not a single doubt in my mind regarding that.

What I am hoping to get out of this is some great info that we could read together that might express better than I can about the effect this situation can have on a husband, as well as information that can help me better understand her side of things. We have discussed this many times, but I do not think she really understands how much this effects me and the way it can effect a mans confidence level in both a relationship as well as at work/professional world.

Sorry for the long read, but thank you in advance for any advice.

 
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Old 02-21-2012, 11:55 AM   #2
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Re: Married for 2 1/2 years.. need advice

I recommend two books. One is called For Women Only:What You Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men by Shaunti Feldhahn and the other is called For Men Only, by the same author. You might be able to read the first chapters of these books on one of the major bookstore websites....we are not allowed to mention those names on this site.

 
Old 04-18-2012, 08:17 AM   #3
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Re: Married for 2 1/2 years.. need advice

She very well may be to tired. Working, taking care of a home, and social interactions are draining. the weekends may be the only time she feels she has the time or energy. Perhaps she should try yoga, martial arts, or meditation in order to help her shed work each day. Maybe she needs a weekly date with her girlfriends to vent as a way to de-stress. I know it sounds crazy to send a tired person to a gym or to get active in a sport but studies show that it often gets the juices flowing. Expect that any change will have an adjustment time. It's even better if you offer to do any of these activities with her, however respect her choice to do them solo.
I know you said you two are deeply bonded and I'm sure you are, but make sure she knows she can open up to you. Perhaps there is a want or a need that isn't being met. She may not want to hurt your feelings or may be scared of being judged. If she does open up about something, you do not get to respond negatively if you want to maintain her trust. Nothing is a mood killer like stress and pressure is. Don't make her feel guilty or uncomfortable unless you want to ruin your sex life.
Lastly, keep in mind, hormone and energy levels change as we age. Sure she is only 26 but she is still chemically different than she was at 19, 21, or even 25. All relationships have their highs and lows. Continue to be loving, fun, romantic, and supportive. Be patient, and try not to take it too personally. You will both continue to change. So tonight, give her a full body rub down with no expectations. This week buy her flowers just because you appreciate her. And take the pressure away from both of you. The reason for her lack of desire may have little to nothing to do with you, but you sure can hurt or help your cause.
Best wishes to both of you.

 
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